Living as a woman

Will it be dark?

What you said about work and 'will it be dark?' brought back a memory. This happened in the late 80s.

In my late 20s and was a new assistant restaurant manager and hadn't long been at the restaurant I worked in. Some new ovens had been delivered which were in a large basement and an area manager - male, mid-40s - had turned up to look at them. We had to go down to the basement together and were looking at the ovens when the lights went off and we were in pitch dark. I'd never been down there before and didn't know where anything was, didn't know where the light switches were or if they were on a timer or what. Fortunately the area manager was a very decent man as we had to hold hands so we didn't lose each other in the dark while we tried to find our way to the door. He was probably as freaked out about it all as I was but it made my hair stand on end for the next few days.

I'm in my late 50s -

Always being given less food as a child than my brothers, despite being older than them.

From about the age of 10 being made to feel that unwanted male attention was somehow my fault. I should have known to stay away from "that dirty old man", to have dodged the wandering hands, the blokes who leer, the gropers, the flashers, the one who looked up my skirt by crouching down on an escalator behind me, the driving instructor who kept stroking my thighs, the 50 year old CEO of a well-known company who told the barman to put vodka in my orange juice when I was about 12 and tried to get me to sit on his lap.

Being the first person from my family to go to university and a relative saying: Why are you doing that? A pretty little thing like you, you'll be married in no time.

When I didn't want sex, being told that I was a c*ck-tease, or frigid, or what was wrong with me?

In my first job as a graduate in a male-dominated industry and my boss saying I should cut my hair because no-one would take me seriously with long hair. Another time he said I should wear shorter skirts and tighter tops to "show off my good points". Another time he said I really should get my teeth fixed. But the main problem was that he didn't value anything I said or any work I did; he was only interested in how I looked.

...So, I changed teams and my new boss, completely unexpectedly, made a pass at me when we were working late alone in the office.

...So, I changed teams again and this time my new boss said he really didn't agree with employing female graduates. What was the point when I would leave in a few years to have babies anyway?

...So, I changed industries to one which is more female-dominated. Whilst I've enjoyed it, it has meant that I've earned a huge amount less over my career than I would have done if I'd been able to stay.

The agony of childbirth and being told by a group of male students to lie still on the bed because they were doing a study and they wouldn't be able to get the readings they wanted from me if I moved.

Constantly risk-assessing any new situation. Will I be on my own? Where is the exit? Will it be dark?

Good points:

The completely overwhelming sense of love for your own children. Stronger than any other feeling and knowing that without a doubt you'd take a bullet for them.

The solidarity of other women and being blessed with lots of female friends who I can talk to about anything. Knowing they've got my back. Laughing hysterically together. I'm not sure that men really have that deep, human connection with friends that women can have.

Being of an age now where I can be fully myself. I've done too much biting my tongue and keeping the peace. If I see something that's wrong, I call it out.

Sitting, standing, walking or running whilst minding my own business and getting stared at, smirked at, heckled at, followed, groped, given unwanted advice and sexually assaulted by men. Again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.........because I am female.

I had a similar experience in Manchester in the late 70s. Went into a pub with my BF and we sat in the snug. There was a power cut when we went in so one saw me in the dim candle light, but then the power came back on and I was told to leave because no women were allowed in there. It felt really weird.

In the late ‘70’s - going to NE England and being told I wasn’t allowed in the local pub because I was a woman and then, again, in the ‘80’s!

I really don't think there was any difference @tripleginandtonic . DS likes to explore, and on the occasion when my DH was there it was busier so probably harder to accommodate.

I know there is a lot of irritation when people feel inconvenienced by a wheelchair user (that's a whole different thread), but the point here is that they much more readily express that irritation to me than they would to my DH.

When our wee one was a newborn (first time parents) my husband asked me a question about something (can't remember what - babies feeding or sleeping) and when I said that I didn't know, expressed surprise that I didn't know the answer off the top of my head. I said that I didn't have a manual which I hadn't felt like showing him - I knew as much as he did!

Javelin arse

I think your ds probably didn't get in the way because there were two adults there when dh was with you.

But we’re disgusting! We’re talking about women, not centring men. That’s very upsetting for User-whatever. I expect we’ve literally killed him.

Not being able to use the free weights area at the gym because the groups of sweaty, grunting men have spread themselves out across the whole space

So many bad things 😪. I'll stick with good things:

Breastfeeding. I loved it.

The, frankly unwarranted, high esteem in which I am held by my children 😎 just because I was there when their dad was not. (Don't get me wrong; they really love him, in a 🙄 sort of way.)

Talking to other women on the Internet. (And yes, I know you're all really a burly docker called Dave, or six sock-puppets....)

Not being able to do the lab project at uni I wanted because the supervisor didn't teach female students. It was accepted it was a shit situation but he literally couldn't speak in front of women so the solution was to only give him male students.

Being told in private by a member of the hiring committee that 'while I'm on the selection board we won't hire another woman for the role'. The first had been considered a trouble maker after filing a complaint for sexual harassment.

Being told I was being 'aggressive and emotional' after politely reporting a serious pay discrepancy to the relevant people thought the appropriate channels.

Being sexual assaulted countless times from the age of 14.

Working until the day I gave birth to one child and the Friday before I gave birth on the Monday to the second because statutory maternity pay is so terrible.

But also, as others have said:

Being pregnant - bubbles, then kicks, then the later stages of breastfeeding (when the painful bit is over).

Multiple orgasms.

Never having to deal with testosterone.

Being able to use cleaner public toilets. Especially at tech conferences/lectures where there are no queues for the women's loos and the men are queueing out the door.

Being able to talk to my friends about how I'm feeling

I had to explain to DP why speeding up behind a lone woman on a pavement at night in order to overtake so she didn't worry was not in fact kind and thoughtful, but actually could be perceived as threatening. And to cross the road instead. He hadn't realised and now does the right thing. Men just don't think about this sort of stuff until it's pointed out.

Oh yeah! Stage 3 dyskariosis of the cervix showing up on a smear, having a cervical biopsy. Ok I'm done. 😆

Having abdominal pain in week 3 of cycle every month now because of post ectopic surgery adhesions. Having a transvaginal scan to try and see whether there are any other causes of the pain. Being told more surgery is not the answer. (Lol lol lol... if only more people were denied unnecessary, harmful surgeries.) Being told there's not really anything that can be done to help. Having a C section birth years ago which probably caused the 3 ectopics I've had since. Having PTSD post birth. Giving birth. Being told I needed antidepressants after telling a medical professional the pill was making me feel shit. I could go on... But I'm having a decent Saturday perusing fragrantica and appreciating the fact that my antihistamines have kicked in, and I've got some liquorice to munch on, so I'll not dwell.

AHH yes when people asked for the MD and I said I'll put you through to Clare it was only men who ever said no I don't want to talk to his secretary (Clare was the MD).

Having your boss say 'while you are down there....' every time you bend down to reach the lower shelf. And because you are young and it's your first job being too afraid to call him out for his harassment.

Having a third of my inner and outer labia removed because of a pre cancerous condition.

Thank you! It was one of those 'oh hell no!' moments

I think you were brilliant not to let that one go! Well done.

Getting drinks bought for me by other blokes in pubs and bars 😁

Sitting in a community meeting where the two men absolutely dominated the conversation, completely ignoring the (many) women on the Committee who wished to make a point. I finally managed to indicate that I wished to speak to be told by the chairperson (male) that 'we've discussed this long enough - we should really move on'. I had had enough by this point and said that I (and other women) had been trying to join the discussion for some time and that I was going to say what I wanted to say.

I found this timer later and wished I had had it at the meeting!

http://arementalkingtoomuch.com/

Yes, yes, yes to all of these. And knowing that even your best male friends don’t have a clue …

Enduring periods so painful that I had to stand at my desk at work, because sitting felt as if a spike was being driven up into my abdomen.
Thinking I was just “getting used to the contraceptive coil” until, after several months, I went back to the doctor and discovered I had pelvic inflammatory disease.
ETA: I didn’t seek help sooner because, hey, painful periods, that’s just life isn’t it?