Daughter (ftm) has just come out as trans

Hello. My heart goes out to you. My own daughter said she wanted to be a boy. She too has ASD and anxiety and is waiting for an ADHD assessment. She struggles at school socially and academically. She has always felt different, she has never fitted in and she has been severely bullied. Then she suddenly got a fix. She believes if she transitions it will be the end to all her problems. This idea appeals to her autistic mind. The school encouraged her to change her name and pronouns. (social transitioning). I now really regret having allowed the school to do this and the decision to socially transition will be very difficult for our family to walk back. I have since discovered that if a child is socially transitioned, it is like putting them on a non-stop train and it will lead to medical transitioning. My daughter has been doing her GCSEs so I didn’t want to upset her but I am going to have to address the issue in the summer and I can foresee conflict and heartache. I am in a predicament as I do not want her new school in September to continue with affirmation yet I am dreading the anguish she will go through when she finds out. At the moment she still trusts me and the lines of communication are still open but I am fearful of estrangement and a plumet in her mental health. What a mess we have got into. Like you, I felt that something was wrong and that, although she is not a stereotypical girl, she is not boy either. I would recommend the book When Kids Say They're Trans by Sasha Ayed. It will give you the confidence to trust your instincts as a mother. I would also recommend you join The Bayswater Parents Support Group where you can meet people in the same situation. They also have a good website with Top Tips, no. 1 being listen to your child. When you talk to your daughter, make sure she knows you are talking to her from a position of love. She cannot become a man. Gently preparing her for the fact that other people may not see her in the way that she would like them to - and that there is no way of enforcing them to. Help her to accept herself as she. Let her know that you understand that her pain is real. Explain to her that she must not rush into anything. It is a huge decision and she might change her mind. She might want children in the future. The human brain does not fully develop until the age of 25. Tell her you will support her but not until she is 25.

You’ve known your daughter since she was born and you know the difficulties she’s faced, growing up with ASD, anxiety and possibly ADHD. It’s well documented (see the Cass Report) that children and young people who identify as “trans” have a high incidence of co-morbidities such as those you’ve listed and it’s crucial that these conditions are not ignored. You describe your daughter’s request to affirm her male gender identity as a “bombshell”. Indeed, it is, because once those around her begin to treat her like a boy, using a male name and male pronouns, she may begin to make other demands eg. wearing stereotypical male clothing, using male toilets, wearing a binder, hormones, etc. You also said “Something is not right”….this is your mother’s instinct telling you that something is fundamentally wrong here, because, of course she’s not a boy, nor will she ever be one. Can you discuss with your daughter, without criticising or judging her, why she’s taken this decision? Why is she unhappy being female? Can you explore this with her? I’d recommend joining Bayswater Support Group for more advice and keep talking with your daughter. Good luck…this is a difficult path for her as it is for you.

It’s a cult. Read every book you can about cults and how to deprogramme someone caught in one. This is going to hurt. Take care of yourself and try not to let this destroy you. Keep loving and supporting your DD but reconsider affirming the male identity. Don’t celebrate it, but also, don’t ignore it completely. Just gently keep reminding your DD that her ideas about herself will always be changing as she goes through life but that this will never change the fact that you love her and are always there for her.

I didn’t want to read and run, so:

First off, breathe. You are in for — I’m sorry to say — a marathon not a sprint. Pace yourself, give yourself time and space to scream and cry (I recommend the car), find people (online if necessary) to talk to. Do things for yourself, to maintain your own mental health.

Second, do not feel that you must keep to your decision to agree to a male name and pronouns if, after reading and thinking, you actually don’t think that’s the right choice for your child. You are an adult and a parent, you are allowed to say, actually, I’m sorry, we made a mistake when we agreed to that, and we are changing our mind. The Cass report indicates that using wrong-sex pronouns is not a neutral act.

Third, go have a watch of the Gender, a Wider Lens podcast. And maybe a read of the book that they put out “When Kids Say They’re Trans” — it is very helpful.

Sending hugs. I would not wish this on anyone, but there are a lot of good people out there who can help.