Page 3 | Daughter (ftm) has just come out as trans

Brainworm · 17/06/2025 09:18

They world, and even your daughter’s internal world, if far bigger than her gender identity. It’s important that you and your family hold on to that.

Psychologists refer to risks and protective factors for wellbeing. Finishing college, gaining employment, maintaining her relationships with her boyfriend, having her holiday to look forward to need to be your focus. I recommend you amplify these, alongside other interests that you share.

AloeVeraAloeFred · 17/06/2025 09:12

AidaP · 16/06/2025 16:52

First, congratulations that your son trusts you enough to actually come out to you BEFORE they had an escape plan fully set. That means he does trust you to at least some notable degree, as general advice for underage trans people is to first prepare financial independence before coming out to family on which they depend.

Just reality how often money is then used as a way to "force the trans away", and why it often "comes as complete surprise".

I recommend asking that on reddits /asktransgender if you want an actually helpful answer also - this type of question comes around very often. Here you will just mostly find people who will tell you how to "cure him" and reinforce never resitting your views on transgender people.

And it is a lot, it is a lot for your son too, you will both be learning together. The best you can do is be genuinely willing to learn and adjust, pretend will not get you far.

Remember that he showed tremendous amount of trust and it was extremely hard for them to come out to you, this is never easy, do not fail that trust. If you do, it's nearly impossible to rebuild later.

Shame on you

Original poster

TheMask · 17/06/2025 09:11

First of all thank you for all of your support and insight. I’ve found it very interesting reading through different opinions. I’m a very open minded person, the word trans doesn’t scare me at all. My concern is for my daughter who is extremely vulnerable being ND. That in itself along with some of the repeated behaviours of those online, have made me concerned. She has repeated word for word what I have read on Reddit for example.
This coupled with the fact that at no point during her childhood has she ever mentioned feeling male, wanting to transition to male or had any what you would probably call male interests. I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think I’d be doing the “right” thing just saying “ok, let’s go for it” with no prior knowledge of what is actually happening. Surely no one would have that view if it was any other major life altering event. And I’m flabbergasted that no one who has suggested I call my DD “him” and to go with because I will lose her (wow, very threatening) has taken into consideration we’re talking about a young vulnerable person. Being autistic makes an individual extremely vulnerable. It’s just not the same as a neurotypical person going through the same thing.

I’m out of my depth here, that’s the truth. Like many other parents going through the same thing.
In regards to her boyfriend, they are on a “break.” It seems, as far as my DD and he has told me, that he is a straight male and loves her very deeply but would not be able to stay with her if she was to transition. He is heartbroken but has told me this isn’t her fault and that he doesn’t want to be the person holding her back from happiness in life. I see it as quite the opposite. He makes her happy in every way.
I have to say, this does seem to be a “trend.” From what I’ve read, including Reddit, the sheer amount of young people wanting to do this, especially before adulthood and before giving themselves a chance to even try to accept and love themselves is quite frightening. And I find it quite frightening how quick some parents just accept it and go with it. This said, I will support DD no matter what. The whole reason she was able to come to me is because she knows I wouldn’t ever shoot her or her emotions down. I’ll love and be there for her no matter what decisions she makes in life. Yesterday she was mostly locked away in her room, I barely saw her. I checked in a few times and she said she wasn’t doing well mentally and she wanted to be alone. She was drawing and then later playing Roblox with her cousin. The day before we had a lot of tears (me included) about her future and at one point she said “what is wrong with me.” She is currently under CAHMS and has a support worker who she has come out to. This concern me a little, but it’s early days and I’m trying desperately to take one day at a time. I haven’t yet spoken to her about using “he/him” and the name we chose. When the time feels right and I will speak to her about it. I’m just trying to keep all lines of communication as open as possible and trying now to let me emotions get the better of me. Thank you all again.

OP posts:

javyd · 17/06/2025 09:11

Ereshkigalangcleg · 17/06/2025 08:38

It’s not about what “MN believes”. The OP chose to come to the feminist board of MN to get support.

although to be fair, even if they'd gone to chat or another forum, they’d have received a very similar response. The overwhelming majority of people are now extremely concerned about ROGD and trans ideology in general and although they might not speak up in public, as we all know how violent and misogynistic TRAs can be, they’re more confident to speak truth on an anonymous forum.

SortthisoutpleaseJesus · 17/06/2025 09:06

do not indulge this nonsense. 'that's nice dear' is a good response. Use her own name and appropriate gender pronouns.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 17/06/2025 08:39

Bobbymoore123 · 17/06/2025 08:10

This board will do everything it can to alienate your child from you, to make it seem impossible for you to maintain a healthy relationship with them, to make them and their being seem completely incomprehensible to you. This is not true. I suggest you talk openly to your child about the things you have read and the things that are making you doubt and fear. Do not let these people separate you from them.

Show quote history

DARVO.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 17/06/2025 08:38

It’s not about what “MN believes”. The OP chose to come to the feminist board of MN to get support.

THEP0PE · 17/06/2025 08:29

I agree with PP. you can still be close, support them and love them. MN will have you believe it’s the worst thing in the world

KnowYourCustomer · 17/06/2025 08:28

Bobbymoore123 · 17/06/2025 08:15

Wow you sound so close with your child! 🙄

What makes you think that this sounds like good advice to this poster?

Show quote history

I thought it sounded like really good advice actually

THEP0PE · 17/06/2025 08:27

My daughter uses a male name and ‘they’. I just want to say that some of these comments are rather alarmist. I don’t really like that this is happening but I keep very low key about it and watch and wait. I have far more difficult things going on in my life than this. As long as they’re not taking hormones and cutting their breasts off just ride it out. It will be okay.

Fluffyholeysocks · 17/06/2025 08:19

Bobbymoore123 · 17/06/2025 08:15

Wow you sound so close with your child! 🙄

What makes you think that this sounds like good advice to this poster?

Show quote history

Sounds like the approach worked for the poster ? May not work for everyone, but obviously @marsal knows her child better than you?

Bobbymoore123 · 17/06/2025 08:15

marsal · 16/06/2025 17:02

pretend will not get you far.

Oh the irony of this sentence.

OP I wish you the very best of luck. It's a very tricky path. We managed to navigate it by largely ignoring it and saying "oh ok darling, we love you however you're feeling and whatever you want to wear." We didn't change names/pronouns or anything like that - we simply said "oh ok". Its surprising actually how infrequently you need to use pronouns and my top tip is to switch to just calling them by an existing nickname - never ever a "new name"

Wow you sound so close with your child! 🙄

What makes you think that this sounds like good advice to this poster?

Bobbymoore123 · 17/06/2025 08:10

TheMask · 16/06/2025 09:06

Hi all,

I know there are quite a few threads with some parents going through the same thing as me, but I really need some guidance and advice.
Bit of background before we begin : DD is 17 (18 in a couple of months) She has a diagnosis of ASD, severe anxiety disorder is waiting for a referral for an ADHD assessment.
She has been in a relationship with her boyfriend since she was 14. Seemed extremely happy together, he’s been on holidays with us, is basically part of our family at this point. They even booked their first solo trip away together 2 months ago for this coming December. Had countless future plans together. DD has been attending college (signed off last week) she has had her struggles but absolutely smashed it and was planning to get a job (within the childcare setting) once she turned 18.
Then comes the bombshell last week. She has a best friend who is also trans (previously ftm and has recently now said they are asexual?) and another friend who is ftm trans. Other than that, no other social circles.
She asked me to affirm her gender identity and choose a name for her. I chose something gender neutral and her Dad and I said we would refer to her has “he.” But I cannot get my head around this. Something is not right. How do I go about this in a way where I don’t let me emotions get the better of me? I’ve had a look at the Bayswater and transgender trend websites, I just feel so confused and lost right now.

This board will do everything it can to alienate your child from you, to make it seem impossible for you to maintain a healthy relationship with them, to make them and their being seem completely incomprehensible to you. This is not true. I suggest you talk openly to your child about the things you have read and the things that are making you doubt and fear. Do not let these people separate you from them.

Stopiwantotgetoff · 16/06/2025 23:52

I’m in the same boat, OP. My 14 year old AuDHD told us a couple of weeks ago that she was trans. She initially said she was NB then said ‘I don’t know, maybe I’m a boy’. And my idiot husband asked her what her pronouns were.
Shes very clever and usually has a highly inquisitive mind, questions everything so it’s surprising how deeply she’s fallen for this.

There is a strong LGBT group at her school, there’s a trans flag in one of the social areas so obviously teacher-approved. I think she’s just wants to belong somewhere. She doesn’t like the popular girls at school, has always struggled socially.

She asked tonight if she could got to Pride. I think absolutely not, it’s for adults not young ND teenage girls. Idiot husband thinks we should because next year, she might not ask us.

I know this isn’t very helpful in terms of advice but I’m in the same boat and I hope things work out ok for your daughter and you.

Letmeuseanywordiwant · 16/06/2025 23:39

Read everything before you do anything. Speak to other parents.
genspect.org/support/support-for-parents-and-relatives/

Ereshkigalangcleg · 16/06/2025 23:07

WaffleParty · 16/06/2025 17:37

Be thankful that your child is talking to you and including you in what’s going on for him. How does the boyfriend fit in to all this?

it is fine to ask for time to adjust and explain that you want to be supportive, but may need a bit of time to get your head round the changes.

Keep asking questions, be supportive and show your love.

Don’t listen to the people who dismiss what’s going on a talk about cults.

The way you fell over yourself to use he/him when the OP came onto the feminist board to ask for advice and support with her daughter doesn’t really dispel the cult accusation, tbh.

emilysquest · 16/06/2025 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wetoldyousaurus · 16/06/2025 20:04

Beware of the ‘congratulations’, ‘relax’, ‘be kind’ people. They are offering you an ‘easy’ and very tempting escape. ‘Give us your daughter and we will look after her. Resist and you will get hell.’ Like pimps, drug dealers, coercive partners or religious clergy. You know that something is not right about this movement and what this could do to your daughter. Lifelong, debilitating medicalisation, self isolation from loved ones in favour of unstable, cultist ‘found family’ peer groups and lack of support for her other conditions. As parents, we are at the coal face on this trying desperately, against many odds to protect our kids. Stay strong. There is much support to be found for you and your daughter.

Leafstamp · 16/06/2025 20:01

There is sensible, caring, evidence based advice here - you can join as a member too:

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips/

Top Ten Tips – Bayswater Support

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips/

BackToLurk · 16/06/2025 19:53

ArmySurplusHamster · 16/06/2025 17:16

What utter, virtue-signalling tosh. The OP does not have a ‘son’. It’s very easy to be accepting when the person involved a complete stranger, isn’t it, for cheap #bekind points.

Show quote history

It’s not virtue signalling, it’s predation

WaffleParty · 16/06/2025 17:37

Be thankful that your child is talking to you and including you in what’s going on for him. How does the boyfriend fit in to all this?

it is fine to ask for time to adjust and explain that you want to be supportive, but may need a bit of time to get your head round the changes.

Keep asking questions, be supportive and show your love.

Don’t listen to the people who dismiss what’s going on a talk about cults.

DragonRunor · 16/06/2025 17:36

i really hope this thread might be able to help you TheMask

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womensrights/5355146-gender-clinic-backs-off-after-family-successfully-challenges-direct-contact-with-adult-daughter

Edited because I pressed post too soon

i realise you’re not quite here yet, but v useful to have this in place just in case

Gender clinic backs off after family successfully challenges direct contact with adult daughter | Mumsnet

I don't think there is a thread on this article yet. Please do correct me if I'm wrong and I'll delete this one. This feels like a HUGE watershed mom...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5355146-gender-clinic-backs-off-after-family-successfully-challenges-direct-contact-with-adult-daughter

ArmySurplusHamster · 16/06/2025 17:16

AidaP · 16/06/2025 16:52

First, congratulations that your son trusts you enough to actually come out to you BEFORE they had an escape plan fully set. That means he does trust you to at least some notable degree, as general advice for underage trans people is to first prepare financial independence before coming out to family on which they depend.

Just reality how often money is then used as a way to "force the trans away", and why it often "comes as complete surprise".

I recommend asking that on reddits /asktransgender if you want an actually helpful answer also - this type of question comes around very often. Here you will just mostly find people who will tell you how to "cure him" and reinforce never resitting your views on transgender people.

And it is a lot, it is a lot for your son too, you will both be learning together. The best you can do is be genuinely willing to learn and adjust, pretend will not get you far.

Remember that he showed tremendous amount of trust and it was extremely hard for them to come out to you, this is never easy, do not fail that trust. If you do, it's nearly impossible to rebuild later.

What utter, virtue-signalling tosh. The OP does not have a ‘son’. It’s very easy to be accepting when the person involved a complete stranger, isn’t it, for cheap #bekind points.

marsal · 16/06/2025 17:02

pretend will not get you far.

Oh the irony of this sentence.

OP I wish you the very best of luck. It's a very tricky path. We managed to navigate it by largely ignoring it and saying "oh ok darling, we love you however you're feeling and whatever you want to wear." We didn't change names/pronouns or anything like that - we simply said "oh ok". Its surprising actually how infrequently you need to use pronouns and my top tip is to switch to just calling them by an existing nickname - never ever a "new name"

AidaP · 16/06/2025 16:52

First, congratulations that your son trusts you enough to actually come out to you BEFORE they had an escape plan fully set. That means he does trust you to at least some notable degree, as general advice for underage trans people is to first prepare financial independence before coming out to family on which they depend.

Just reality how often money is then used as a way to "force the trans away", and why it often "comes as complete surprise".

I recommend asking that on reddits /asktransgender if you want an actually helpful answer also - this type of question comes around very often. Here you will just mostly find people who will tell you how to "cure him" and reinforce never resitting your views on transgender people.

And it is a lot, it is a lot for your son too, you will both be learning together. The best you can do is be genuinely willing to learn and adjust, pretend will not get you far.

Remember that he showed tremendous amount of trust and it was extremely hard for them to come out to you, this is never easy, do not fail that trust. If you do, it's nearly impossible to rebuild later.