Trans sibling in law

I don't know what the op said to make you think she has 'hate' towards trans people. That is a very odd take on her post - are you looking to be offended? OP this poster is showing the performative gaslighting that you get in transgenderism. Do exactly what I want or I'll cut you out of my life. It's sickening that they do this but it's an example of what to expect if you don't bow down to the cult. Your poor sil is probably on Reddit right now being told that everyone who isn't delighted she's going to cut herself and take damaging hormones, anyone who voices concern about her mental health is an evil transphobic bigot and she must cut them out of her life and be embraced by her new LGBTQI+ family. Sadly, they won't be there if she ever decides that she's not actually a man. Many detransitioners are hounded and ostracised if they ever voice regret. Please be there for your sil whatever she choses to do.

We don’t identify as anything we just ARE women and couldn’t give two hoots about your insistence on any topic.

We understand that people can’t change sex, it’s binary and immutable, but we can have sympathy for vulnerable young people, especially those with autism, who are easily exploited by this insidious, misogynistic, regressive and homophobic ideology.

Transgenderism is seen by many to be an explosion of social contagion. In addition, I’m always surprised when someone who’s been convicted of a sex crime like rape suddenly decides they're actually trans and please could they go to a women's prison. Its a really odd phenomenon!

Not anti-trans. Pro-women @FancyAnxiety

But agree that this seems staged. Possibly coordinated. Seemed interesting how the first reply was yes they're you’re BiL now and a whole load of new posters using the opportunity to repeat twaw/tmam along with a couple of #bekinders. Never mind. As always, I enjoy the FWR logical and thoughtful replies.

Edited to acknowledge return of Op. So new posters just indication of how frequently these boards are policed fgs.

I think I’d just nod and smile and wait for reality to bite.

How is this person going to move to Germany? It is not easy post-Brexit. How are they going to access the German healthcare system never having lived there, and deal with everything in German.

This sounds like a very isolated individual. I would try to support them as a person without cheerleading the trans stuff. When they realise transitioning isn’t the magic bullet they are hoping for, they will need support.

Ah you mean pro-women.

It's part of the narrative. Quite important to maintain the myth that all 'gender critical' feminists are full of hate and anger. Any disagreement is 'hate'.

It's 'hate' to not pretend you believe someone has changed sex.

Absolute nonsense, of course, but some people like martyrdom.

It's not kind to the GC person who is having to lie about their beliefs, that pronouns are a part of language, that males are he and females are she.

If you've been on here long enough you'll have heard, "Pronouns are Rohypnol."

https://fairplayforwomen.com/pronouns/

1984

I'm trying to find the quote, but there are many!

'You will learn by degrees, Winston. There is nothing that we could not do. Invisibility, levitation -- anything. I could float off this floor like a soap bubble if I wish to. I do not wish to, because the Party does not wish it. You must get rid of those nineteenth-century ideas about the laws of Nature. We make the laws of Nature.'

'Already we are breaking down the habits of thought which have survived from before the Revolution. We have cut the links between child and parent, and between man and man, and between man and woman. No one dares trust a wife or a child or a friend any longer. But in the future there will be no wives and no friends. Children will be taken from their mothers at birth, as one takes eggs from a hen. The sex instinct will be eradicated. Procreation will be an annual formality like the renewal of a ration card. We shall abolish the orgasm. Our neurologists are at work upon it now. '

“‘Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thoughtcrime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it.’”

“Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows.”

'I tell you, Winston, that reality is not external. Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. Not in the individual mind, which can make mistakes, and in any case soon perishes: only in the mind of the Party, which is collective and immortal. Whatever the Party holds to be the truth, is truth. It is impossible to see reality except by looking through the eyes of the Party. '

I agree with you totally

It isn't kind to tell a person with a deluded belief that they are right, and to help them do harm to themselves as a consequence.

Exactly this. I don’t want other people’s fantasies foisted upon me and I would tell her straight that she is not a man, will never be a man and I will only acknowledge her as being a woman.

These sort of posts are so ridiculous.
I am totally gender critical and do not believe in transgender ideology one bit, I think it’s extremely damaging. BUT. I do not hate anyone who buys into it, same as I don’t hate Christians for believing in a god that I don’t believe in.
The persecution complex is real.

Yeah, she could go around telling people they're ugly, stupid, fat etc. Any of which could be true but most of us have tact and treat people with respect and kindness.

Hey, OP. I haven't read the whole thread. I just want to share a few things.

"DH's sibling has just come out as a man."

I hope that's not how they are presenting things. They are not a man; they'll never be a man. They are a transman, which is a different thing from a man. If they don't accept this difference, they are going to get hurt when they reach the limits of what they can achieve.

"How should I react to all this."

My first question is how is your husband reacting to this? Is he okay with this? Does he struggle? Is he asking for your support or your counsel?

"What usually happens after people come out. I assume they progress to hormones and surgery"

Hormones, often. Surgery, less often. More specifically in the case of transmen: top surgery, quite often, but bottom surgery, very rarely.

"Are people really happy identifying as another gender when they wouldn't look like the other gender?"

Not necessarily, but still happier than identifying as our sex. That's the whole point of being out as trans.

@Primrose86 what are your own feelings? How would you feel most comfortable responding? What was your first instinct and where has that come from?

Exactly so.

Anyone can make whatever declaration they please, and we are free to agree to do as they ask, or not.

I think there is a difference between how I engage with someone, particularly a family member, and what I believe or support them to be able to do. I saw an interview where Helen Joyce said she would call someone by their preferred pronouns, while understanding that was a kindness, but also being clear this did not require them to have access to unsuitable spaces.

This

Therefore the OP (who has never been back) is also an adult and can do what they like, too.

You respect his wishes and address him as he wishes to be addressed. You support him and continue to treat him as a valued part of the family. He is an adult who can do what he likes.

I guess my position would be to check that SiL has access to neutral counselling and support before doing anything - and that the family are aware of the risks of surgery (and regret rates afterwards) and understand that immediately affirming without encouraging her to explore what underpins her feelings is unwise given her autism. I’d want DH to check that she doesn’t have any other co-morbid issues such as depression, anxiety etc that may be feeding this. And then I’d want to support my DH as this has seismic impacts on him. He loves his sibling and will just want what’s best for her so supporting him as his partner is important. Unless you have regular contact with SiL, you don’t need to engage at all other than to make sure your DH’s MH remains in a good place.

@Primrose86:
"She has plans to go overseas and transition in germany where apparently you can get surgeries on the public health system while living with her grandpa."

@BoldHedgehog :
" It will likely be an administrative battle (entirely in German) even just to access benefits/get health insurance paid in the absence of a job. "

I've been through this for a child that came to Germany from the UK (children are normally insured automatically as dependants, but this wasn't my biological child, I "only" had custody). It took me 6 months and numerous letters between me, the NHS and my German public insurer to get the child into the German system. All the while paying doctor's bills from my own pocket, because the kid wasn't insured. The German passport didn't help anything.

For an adult, the requirements will very probably be a fulltime job and payments into the system. Otherwise one has to apply to a private health insurance.

And herein lies the problem.

How much kindness and understanding are we supposed to have? Why should we as women have to make that judgement when we are already a vulnerable class? Since when did we pander to teens obsessions? Most teens grow out of these phases. The ones that are encouraged could go on to make huge changes to their bodies that they then later regret (see de-transitioning figures)

The creepy bloke next door is obviously one that sets off your protective instincts. There's a reason for that. Ditto the rapists in court that have demanded their victims call them 'she' It's wrong, and we know that 100%

Why should we bend over backwards for some in tying ourselves in knots differentiating at the risk to us as women? A man in the changing rooms demanding women undress in front of him? Men in rape centres? Men who sometimes identify as women and sometimes identify as men? Pretending that Transwomen menstruate? Where do we draw the line? In some cultures, it is forbidden for Men to mix with women. Women who have been abused by men also deserve protection from them.

People seem hellbent on saying that body dysmorphia is the absolute worst thing for a person to experience. It may be that a person may need psychological help with that rather than surgery and affirtmation of their problem (you wouldn't give a person with anorexia liposuction)

There needs to be a line, not a 'depends on the person'