Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Ask me anything about my experience as a trans man who wholeheartedly defends women’s rights

243 replies

13J · 19/04/2025 16:42

I really didn’t know how to title this.
But I’ve replied to a couple of posts over the last few days regarding trans people and the SC ruling.

For those who haven’t seen my previous posts.

i’m in my mid 30s.
i transitioned at 18, started testosterone at 20 and had full top and bottom surgery at 25. I also hold a GRC. I am told I pass extremely well, and most people are quite surprised if they learn I’m trans after having known me a while.

HOWEVER,
As much as I believe that everyone’s right are important, I do not believe eradicating women’s rights in the name of trans rights is okay.

i do not believe single sex spaces should be invaded by the opposite sex, and that people should be made to feel uncomfortable in their safe spaces.

I KNOW you cannot change your sex. I know I have not changed my biological sex.

i know I have a surgically altered female body, not a male one.

i have been rejected by most trans people and in most trans inclusive spaces for disagreeing with the loud minority on these points.

I’ve been called transphobic on many occasions because of it,

And as I have become older, I have come to a deeper understanding that gender is nothing more than a social concept, and while I am happy in my life and the choices I made.
i am not sure I would make the same ones again if I knew then what I know now.

So I just wanted to open this post up and say if anyone would like to know anything further about what I’ve experienced or my personal beliefs. Then feel free to ask, I will answer as openly and honestly as possible and no topic is off limits.

i am speaking only for myself, not for other trans people, but I suspect that many of them feel this way, they are just afraid to voice it because of the backlash they’d receive.

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 19/04/2025 18:09

Thank you so much for sharing your life experiences @13J . I really hope you have great people around you (sounds like you do) and I'd like to know who they are. I don't mean names and addresses 🙂. Speaking your truth as you are puts you in such a difficult position with potential to be attacked from all sides. I'm interested in your tribe. It's such a polarising issue, as you know very well.

ginasevern · 19/04/2025 18:08

I'm sorry, I really don't understand. How can a woman transition to be a gay man? Aren't you then basically a surgically altered straight female following her natural sexual orientation?

PooksBear · 19/04/2025 18:07

13J · 19/04/2025 17:38

@Foxgloverr

i do.
I feel society tells us how to be a man or how to be a woman and it’s all stereotypical.
When I was seeing a gender clinic to be diagnosed, I was asked what book I was currently reading because I said I like to read.

i was reading a Cecelia Ahern novel and was heavily questioned about why I was reading a book for women.

Similarly, as a gay man, me and my husband and routinely invited to hen dos. And it’s assumed we typically line my femanine things.

Because society tends to think gay = feminine. Lesbian + butch.

We all know it’s not true but the myth still persists.

I'm glad you are happy. I wish everyone to be happy!

So, you say you are gay now as you prefer men - but when you had a womans body, you didn't call yourself gay, but I assume you fancied men when you were a woman? So really you aren't gay then as you always prefer men!

Kucinghitam · 19/04/2025 17:59

OP I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry to hear of your awful childhood and adolescence, and I am glad that you are doing so much better now. I wish you a loving and happy future.

Sunwarddangledhardens · 19/04/2025 17:58

I don’t have a question but I would like to add my appreciation for your clarity, honesty and openness.

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 17:58

@Charlize43

i identify as a gay male, and am married to a man.

That being said, in my teens and early 20s I only dated women.
its not that I wasn’t attracted to men, more that I felt uncomfortable being seen sexually as a woman.

Aftwe surgery I became more comfortable to explore my sexuality and ended up dating men,

OP posts:
Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 17:55

@AgnesX
i have had extensive therapy, but not before transitioning.

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 19/04/2025 17:54

I don’t want to ask you anything I just wanted to say how sorry I am for all the trauma that you have suffered and the effect it has had on you

Sleepinggreyhounds · 19/04/2025 17:52

13J · 19/04/2025 17:45

@Sleepinggreyhounds

i would ask them why.
And i would tell them to live how they wanted to, wear what they wanted. Love and be attracted to whoever they wanted to.

And get therapy to deal with any underlying issues.

If, after that they still feel significant discomfort then hormonal/surgical transition could be considered.

Bur I suspect most people would feel comfortable as they were if they didn’t think they needed to be a certain way.

Thank you - very thoughtful and interesting

Nightmare2022 · 19/04/2025 17:52

Thank you for starting this thread.

What in your opinion in the cause of the increase in teenage girls, mainly autistic, suddenly announcing they are trans with no earlier signs? This is the phenomenon referred to as Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria.

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 17:50

@girlinabox

i’m not sure to be honest, I had never really considered this and know very little about the specific gender related rules within your faith.

It is much harder for trans women to pass. You can’t unbreak a voice so even if the body is petite and feminine the voice will likely give them away
But outside of that, I’m not sure how you’d know.

its certainly something I will keep in mind myself tho, to make sure I don’t unintentionally put someone in a difficult situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 17:45

@Sleepinggreyhounds

i would ask them why.
And i would tell them to live how they wanted to, wear what they wanted. Love and be attracted to whoever they wanted to.

And get therapy to deal with any underlying issues.

If, after that they still feel significant discomfort then hormonal/surgical transition could be considered.

Bur I suspect most people would feel comfortable as they were if they didn’t think they needed to be a certain way.

OP posts:
WeeBisom · 19/04/2025 17:45

In your experience, do you feel that the rights and interests of transmen are overlooked or sidelined by the trans community?The reason I ask is I during the Supreme Court hearing I was very shocked to hear the Scottish Government blithely saying that transmen would no longer be covered by maternity or breastfeeding protections (and it is not uncommon for transmen to give birth). It was also shocking to hear that transmen would be sent to male only prisons (which I am sure most transmen are opposed to).

spannasaurus · 19/04/2025 17:44

Are you 6 ft or taller?

postmanshere · 19/04/2025 17:44

Are most of your friends male or female? And do they know?

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 17:42

@Sleepinggreyhounds
i suspect so although I have never been diagnosed.

OP posts:
Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 17:41

@nahthatsnotforme
i have felt extremely bitter over a lot of things in my life.
But I’ve had a lot of good therapy and genuinely love my current life.

i will never know what could’ve happened. I’ll never know if it would’ve been better or worse if I hadn’t transitioned, So I’ve let the wondering go.

OP posts:
Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 17:38

@Foxgloverr

i do.
I feel society tells us how to be a man or how to be a woman and it’s all stereotypical.
When I was seeing a gender clinic to be diagnosed, I was asked what book I was currently reading because I said I like to read.

i was reading a Cecelia Ahern novel and was heavily questioned about why I was reading a book for women.

Similarly, as a gay man, me and my husband and routinely invited to hen dos. And it’s assumed we typically line my femanine things.

Because society tends to think gay = feminine. Lesbian + butch.

We all know it’s not true but the myth still persists.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 19/04/2025 17:37

Thanks for starting the thread, OP.

I’m curious as to whether you’ve ever felt unsafe/uncomfortable in male-only spaces such as toilets, and if so, what you think made you feel that way?

e.g. was it fear of being clocked as trans, feeling physically vulnerable (I should imagine that would depend on your height/build to some extent), etc?

Also, it sounds like you tend not to disclose your trans status in everyday life - is that quite stressful to maintain?

Craftysue · 19/04/2025 17:35

Thanks for your AMA - I am so sorry that you had such a dreadful childhood. Do you think if you had a happy childhood you would have been happy as a female as an adult? No judgement from me - I wish you all the best for the future

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 17:34

@spannasaurus
100% transmen are rarely mentioned. And don’t seem to flaunt themselves so much. You never heard of a trans man standing in the middle of a men’s changing room and stripping pre op do you? Because they wouldn’t, because they understand the risks.

Men don’t care if we are in their space because they don’t feel threatened.

But there’s also been some high profile trans men who have done us no favours either because they’ve done things like have children and demand to be known as the child’s mother whilst simultaneously demanding the world see them as a man, and naturally those two things don’t go together. So people tend to think they just want special treatment (which I imagine is true).

OP posts:
user101101 · 19/04/2025 17:31

Tbh i am relieved for you that you’re ok. Thanks for speaking out. The reason i find the trans movement so awful is the unnecessary and increase in suffering of vulnerable people and twisting of basic biological facts, mainly for male fetish purposes.

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 17:30

@myplace
i have a lot of acceptance in my life now, but I think that’s is more to do with finding the right people rather than my actual gender or sex.

i am also gay.
I find the LBG community accepts me as a gay man.
But before I came to an acceptance of my sexuality, I felt the community didn’t accept me as trans.

OP posts:
TransMother · 19/04/2025 17:28

@13J thank you for your engagement here. I'm so sorry to read about your childhood and trauma. You seem to have a firm grasp of this debate and I'm sorry if that has caused you difficulties too.

My daughter is autistic, has been depressed since her early teens, she identifies as male and prefers the treatment she receives in society as people perceive her to be male.

But I don't believe that her transitioning will solve all her issues, just as you've posted that you're more comfortable now but that transitioning didn't solve all your problems. How would you advise someone in my child's situation - they are legally adult but immature in some ways and very autistic as well, so they wouldn't listen to my opinions.

Charlize43 · 19/04/2025 17:28

What is your sexual partner preference?

Swipe left for the next trending thread