Ask me anything about my experience as a trans man who wholeheartedly defends women’s rights

@nbartist

i respect that that’s how they view it, but I disagree too.

i appreciate that it’s very difficult for a women who is comfortable with her breasts, and then has to have a mastectomy on medical grounds to understand why someone would voluntarily go through it.

But then, people who aren’t bothered about breast size or lip size or wrinkles don’t understand why anyone has breast enlargement, lip fillers or Botox either.

Some people would also call that mutilation. I think it’s just a personal perception. I will happy talk about my experience and why I did what I did, or why I didn’t do something.
And it’s fine if others disagree.

@Happyinarcon

Men and women are very different
The way they treat others and each other is vastly different, and I’ve been able to experience that from both sides.

To use a steriotype, I’ve been one of the women in the kitchen at parties, and I’ve been one of the men standing around the BBQ and often it does feel like there is zero overlap.

But what I’ve learnt is that both men and women, but mostly men in my experience aren’t showing you themselves, they’ll show you what they think you expect. What they think is acceptable.

Additionally, women will talk to a gay man in a way they wouldn’t to a straight man and men will be more guarded around a gay man.

it all comes down to the perception of threat.

I think if society didn’t have such rigid gender stereotypes, if little boys were taught it’s okay to cry and little girls were allowed to play in the dirt
Tbe world would be very different.

Peer pressure also adds a lot to it all. A teenage girl is a slut if she’s having sex, but a teenage boy will often lie and says he’s doing it with multiple partners even when he’s a virgin, because he’ll be laughed at otherwise.

Of course I am generalising and I know not everyone is taught that, but you get what I’m saying hopefully.

@SolielMoonSky

Thats actually a very interesting question.

Throighout my childhood I had a mental image of how I wanted to look.

Shaved head, or spiked hair, baggy T-shirts, hoodies, baggy jeans, in essence I suppose the surfer/skater look of the early 2000s.

And my appearance hasn’t really changed, to me that’s who I am. I’ve tried different styles but always revert back. I’m not sure if it’s related my my gender identity or not tho.

My dad left when I was ten and at the time he had long hair and I couldn’t tell you what he wore.

When we met up 20 years later, we look identical, in the face, shaved heads but also clothing, even down to the brands, then when I visited his house I discovered a lot of our furniture is the same!

So that’s bizarre.

i wouldn’t say I’d be upset if I didn’t feel I looked right but I would be a bit uncomfortable and I definitely feel better when I do get it right.

I didn’t do much to my appearance de for a long time besides haircuts because beauty felt like such an inherently female thing to care about

But as I’ve aged I’ve become more comfortable and do spend a little more time on how I look. I will for example get my eyebrows waxed. Which some people think is weird.

@ArabellaScott
i don’t currently.
i have had some trans friends in the past but as I said in my OP most of them lost their minds over JK Rowling and haven’t spoken to me since because I disagree that she has ‘invalidated their entire identity’.

I’m sure others like me exist but I haven’t a clue how to find them.

@bigboykitty

My dad left when I was 10, and we had minimal contact. We are in touch now and he is accepting of my life, Although he has quite old fashioned views of gender. He accepts I’m male, And will talk to me about things he considers masculine like football, but wouldn’t do the same with my sister. I do challenge him but he’s unlikely to change.

The rest of my own family were not accepting or supportive of my choices in life so I don’t speak to any of them.

My granny was incredibly supportive of everything I did in life and especially for her age, very accepting but sadly she passed away 2 years ago, which has been very tough.

My husband is very supportive in life and we mostly have a good life together although of course, he isn’t perfect. His family is also wonderful and I have a great relationship with my mother in law, brothers and sisters in law and all of their children.

Froebd wise, my best friend has been in my life for 18 years and met me just after I began my transition, and she is an I crdibme support.

My other friends are a bit of a mixture of people I just picked up along the way. From working or studying, and a couple of failed dates that went on to be amazing friends.

Don’t get me wrong there’s been a lot of rejection, and that’s been hard, but I take the view that I wouldn’t want someone like that in my life anyway.

@ginasevern

I a legally male and married to a man. So I’m considered gay.
My husband is biologically male, has never been attracted to women but views me as male and is attracted to my surgically altered body which looks more male that female although it doesn’t look ‘naturally’ male.

But I wouldn’t say I’m following my natural sexual orientation because I don’t believe there is such a thing.

Again, as with gender, it is society that assumes we will be attracted to the opposite sex, unless we ‘come out’ and say otherwise.

Sexuality is difficult for many, and in my experience moreso for trans people
Because if I had said I was a trans man, and married to a woman

It wouldn’t have confused anyone.

@PooksBear

i suppose I’m technically bisexual. And always was.

i was attracted to the women I dated, and attracted to men but choosing not to date them

Now I’m more comfortable with my body I have dated men and subsequently married a gay man.

I am still attracted to women, but I’m not dating them because I’m married.

I guess I just love who I love and I only assign the labels to myself that society expects of me.

@Nightmare2022
i believe they feel uncomfortable in the world, probably because the world is uncomfortable for ND people and particularly girls given that’s diagnosis is more complicated and often overlooked.

And the media/internet is feeding them a solution for the discomfort. Or they’re making friends, which is harder for ND people, and then the friends are trans or NB etc so they’re trying to fit in.

Tbere has always been trans people
but I don’t see any other explanation for why there’s suddenly so many

@WeeBisom
i do feel transmen are overlooked a lot, because they are typically less of a physical risk.
Although they can be very vulnerable, the issue is most trans men wouldn’t tell you they feel vulnerable because they think that to be male you can’t show any vulnerability.

It is difficult. Because trans men do get pregnant and need appropriate care, but still want to be treated as a man, and how do you treat a pregnant man when men can’t get pregnant?

Similarly with prisons.
if you put a pre op trans women in a women’s prison, they pose a risk to women, even after surgery many women still wouldn’t feel comfortable

But in a male prison, the trans women becomes vulnerable to being raped by men because they’re trans. So short of building trans prisons I don’t know the solution,

But a trans man, pre op is at risk in a man’s prison, and post op is still likely at risk.

They would be better accepted in a women’s prison but they’d feel uncomfortable
And if they were post op, or looked very masculine, women may still feel at risk and uncomfortable

The ruling hasn’t worried me personally in regard to toilets etc because I don’t use them if I can help it and am unlikely to be challenged for using the men’s.

legally the ruling means I can use the women’s, but despite the people who say they can tell. In my case, I think if I walked in to the ladies there would be issues and if I said I was a trans man it would probably be assumed I was a man trying to make a point.

So I wouldn’t do it
i do worry about being placed on a female hospital ward because neither I, nor the women on the ward will feel at all comfortable with that.

@spannasaurus
No, I’m 5’ 8”
As la my husband who was born male. Of all of the men I know, a few are taller than me, but not massively so, and some are shorter.

@postmanshere
i have a fairly equal friendship group in terms of men and women. I keep a very tight circle tho, and yes, they all know.

@LonginesPrime

i felt vulnerable before surgery and particularly before hormones because I sounded female. I was never threatened and nothing ever happened that frightened me but I was aware of what COULD happen.

I don’t feel as vulnerable now, Because I know I pass well enough to not be outed, and the only people seeing my naked know anyway. I will use disabled facilities where possible or a stall for using the toilet or changing.

But I also know that most men are so afraid of being accused of being gay or a pervert that even if they look, and see anything they won’t voice it.

Because if they voice that my penis looks weird, then they’re voicing that they were looking.

I used to always tell everyone instantly, and then if they rejected me I hadn’t lost anything.

These days, I tell potential partners, family, (such as parters family) and friends once we get close enough.

Outside of that, it’s not that I try to hide it, it just doesn’t come up.
if it does, like if someone asks about my childhood, I tell them honestly.

I was once asked about playing football at school. And it was a fairly new friend, so that was my opportunity to explain I was trans, so I had played netball with the girls.

@Craftysue
i will never really know
But I suspect so.

@user101101
i agree with you.

i am not really sure when and why trans issues and sexuality/sexual things were ever linked.

I married a man, and so many people can’t get their head around why I would become a man and then date men. Because somehow they’re linking gender and sexual preferences.

Someone once told me
‘Sexuality is who you go to bed with and gender is who you go to bed as’

And I loved that so much.
in my early transition prior to surgery a lot of men wanted to date me because I was a fetish, and women who were gay wanted to date me so they’d have a body they were attracted to but a ‘boyfriend’ so they didn’t have to come out and acknowledge their attraction to women.

If we were just allowed to love and be attracted to people, it wouldn’t be necessary.

And I’ve no clue why or how everything became so sexualised.

@TransMother
Firstly, thank you for trying to support your child. My mother hasn’t spoken to me since the day I came out as trans, which was 18 years ago.

it is very difficult to know how to help tho. I certainly wouldn’t have listened to anyone who told me I was wrong in how I felt or that transition wasn’t a solution. And often, the more you try to reason the more you push people away and make them determined to do the opposites of what you’d like.

I would say be supportive. If they want to wear boys clothing, use a different name, do typically make activities etc
let them, as long as they’re safe.
Bur be sure they understand (as far as is possible with the level of maturity and autism) the implications of hormones or surgery.

Surgeru can do irreparable damage, I was quite lucky. I healed well and everything looks pretty good.

But that’s rare, and even then. My body has limitations
it still doesn’t look or feel exactly as I’d like and doesn’t function the way I’d like either.

Id also advise if you aren’t already, monitoring carefully the online content your child is viewing. A lot of people are quick to push the ‘oh you like football and want short hair, you’re a boy’

Similarly, I’ve noticed more recently a lot of people in a friendship group will all be coming out at the same time so it’s important to know if it’s what they really feel, or if they’re just trying to fit in.

its important I think that you said they like the way they’re treated in society as a man.
There is no denying that men get a better deal in a lot of ways.

But id also point out that it’s not the case in every aspect of life. I love children and am good with them, but when I’ve wanted to work with them, it’s been assumed I must have bad intentions because it’s a ‘women’s’ job. And whilst men are generally less threatened in society. It’s also less acceptable for them to show their emotions or seek help.