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Original poster

Ask me anything about my experience as a trans man who wholeheartedly defends women’s rights

243 replies

13J · 19/04/2025 16:42

I really didn’t know how to title this.
But I’ve replied to a couple of posts over the last few days regarding trans people and the SC ruling.

For those who haven’t seen my previous posts.

i’m in my mid 30s.
i transitioned at 18, started testosterone at 20 and had full top and bottom surgery at 25. I also hold a GRC. I am told I pass extremely well, and most people are quite surprised if they learn I’m trans after having known me a while.

HOWEVER,
As much as I believe that everyone’s right are important, I do not believe eradicating women’s rights in the name of trans rights is okay.

i do not believe single sex spaces should be invaded by the opposite sex, and that people should be made to feel uncomfortable in their safe spaces.

I KNOW you cannot change your sex. I know I have not changed my biological sex.

i know I have a surgically altered female body, not a male one.

i have been rejected by most trans people and in most trans inclusive spaces for disagreeing with the loud minority on these points.

I’ve been called transphobic on many occasions because of it,

And as I have become older, I have come to a deeper understanding that gender is nothing more than a social concept, and while I am happy in my life and the choices I made.
i am not sure I would make the same ones again if I knew then what I know now.

So I just wanted to open this post up and say if anyone would like to know anything further about what I’ve experienced or my personal beliefs. Then feel free to ask, I will answer as openly and honestly as possible and no topic is off limits.

i am speaking only for myself, not for other trans people, but I suspect that many of them feel this way, they are just afraid to voice it because of the backlash they’d receive.

OP posts:
Burntt · 19/04/2025 20:06

Thank you so much for this thread. I think it’s hugely important voices like yours are heard and available to the struggling FtM trans youth. I’m so terribly sorry for your childhood.

my questions are:

do you have a brother? Or raised close to a male cousin or mums best friends kid who was a boy?

and where did you learn that transition was possible?

I had some similarities in my childhood and I’m certain that if I was a child today I would transition. we are of a similar age and I never knew transition was an option until I had realised the problem wasn’t my body and me but sex stereotypes and misogyny

Langdale3 · 19/04/2025 20:06

Thank you for making this thread.

What’s your favorite biscuit? 🍪😁

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 20:05

@AgnesX
i do think if I’d had therapy before o may have done things differently, but what, and to what extent I have no idea.

OP posts:
Silversixpenny · 19/04/2025 20:04

IDontHateRainbows · 19/04/2025 20:01

Natural= as nature intended

You think nature intended couples to be same sex, not great for evolution is it.

Disclaimer: I'm not anti gay, but it's not the evolutionary advantageous position

Edited
Show quote history

I do believe that there was research into an area of gay sex that related to a concentration of population: if there were a lot of people, and a gay person had a sibling whonhad had children, it was more likely they were happy to be open about it because "genes had been passed on" and they didn't have the social pressure to reproduce. When I find it, I'll share the link.

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 20:03

@Joystir59 To ne, I am male. I am living as a man, I am legally a man, so I’m in a gay marriage. In fact, I live in Northern Ireland and we had to wait for gay marriage to be legalised in 2020 before we could marry.

Bur If your view is that my biological sex is the defining factor, then in your eyes, I would be straight, and I respect that that’s your view.

@WarriorN
Ive been on here years, initially just to read, because I am interested in people’s views and experiences. I’ve posted a few times under various usernames and respond to posts if I feel I can help.

ive followed some of the debate, but it is hard to keep up!

OP posts:
Silversixpenny · 19/04/2025 20:02

13J · 19/04/2025 19:58

@FiveBarGate
My husband was born male, he sees me as entirely male but I was post surgery when we met, so I’m not sure if he would’ve viewed me differently had he met me before, or had I chosen not to have surgery. I know gay men have faced backlash for not wanting to date pre op trans men, likewise lesbians with trans women’s and I’ve a straight female friend who was accused of transphobia because her partner came out as trans and she ended the relationship because she wasn’t in to women. Personally I think that’s the opposite of transphobic.

if someone refused to date me because I was a man, I would t be offended, I’d be pleased they saw me that way.

it is absolutely not helpful to deny your past
I am open and honest with people if they’re going to be in my life.

I'm in a scientific field, however, thanks OP for your comment, I'm a chemist, forever being "accused" of biology (probably because I'm a woman!) and know a massive amount of physics because of my chemistry degree, masters etc. I can't go back and choose physics A level, but I can be a role model for women in STEM.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 19/04/2025 20:02

OP, thank you for your post, it is really interesting. I am sorry for your experiences but glad to hear you are in a better place now - it sounds like you have built a great life for yourself. There used to be a TED talk from someone who is a trans woman who talked about losing the male privilege they had not been aware of having growing up as a boy. There seems to be such a blind spot to the fact that people transitioning did not have similar experiences to people who dont need to transition. I dont understand why this does not seem to be understood.

IDontHateRainbows · 19/04/2025 20:01

EweSurname · 19/04/2025 19:55

What’s a natural sexual orientation?

Show quote history

Natural= as nature intended

You think nature intended couples to be same sex, not great for evolution is it.

Disclaimer: I'm not anti gay, but it's not the evolutionary advantageous position

Silversixpenny · 19/04/2025 19:59

13J · 19/04/2025 19:52

@Silversixpenny
You are exactly right.

Why not just have a wall of glasses? Why ‘for her’ and ‘for him’? All it does is reinforce those negative stereotypes.

In my case it absolutely was a huge factor and it will be for many others. Even those who aren’t trans, such as yourself.
You want was to pursue something and you were dissuaded because it was for boys, even tho it isn’t.

And then people wonder why more women don’t get in to these fields.

Reinforces stereotypes, and causes restrictions. Had the asisstant not spoken up, he may well have gone for the purple ones. We'll never know. He has always been into pink beyond primary school socialisation, and has shifted his favourite colour now to a lilac purple, which is why I pointed them out. I've worn "men's" frames before, mainly because at that particular time zero of the "women's" frames suited me within my price range and I wasn't about to fork out an extra 50 quid.

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 19:58

@FiveBarGate
My husband was born male, he sees me as entirely male but I was post surgery when we met, so I’m not sure if he would’ve viewed me differently had he met me before, or had I chosen not to have surgery. I know gay men have faced backlash for not wanting to date pre op trans men, likewise lesbians with trans women’s and I’ve a straight female friend who was accused of transphobia because her partner came out as trans and she ended the relationship because she wasn’t in to women. Personally I think that’s the opposite of transphobic.

if someone refused to date me because I was a man, I would t be offended, I’d be pleased they saw me that way.

it is absolutely not helpful to deny your past
I am open and honest with people if they’re going to be in my life.

OP posts:
JennyTals · 19/04/2025 19:57

Do you feel, safe in the UK or do you worry about being attacked?

What do you think could have prevented you from going down the surgery route ?

I also think you're very brave to open up like this, and i think real conversations where open free to be open are the way forward

Do you think schools are mainly to blame for the amount of children going down this route in this day and age ?

girlinabox · 19/04/2025 19:55

13J · 19/04/2025 17:50

@girlinabox

i’m not sure to be honest, I had never really considered this and know very little about the specific gender related rules within your faith.

It is much harder for trans women to pass. You can’t unbreak a voice so even if the body is petite and feminine the voice will likely give them away
But outside of that, I’m not sure how you’d know.

its certainly something I will keep in mind myself tho, to make sure I don’t unintentionally put someone in a difficult situation.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I wish there were more opportunities for honest and open conversations about this issue so that we can all figure out how to navigate them.

EweSurname · 19/04/2025 19:55

ginasevern · 19/04/2025 18:08

I'm sorry, I really don't understand. How can a woman transition to be a gay man? Aren't you then basically a surgically altered straight female following her natural sexual orientation?

What’s a natural sexual orientation?

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 19:52

@Silversixpenny
You are exactly right.

Why not just have a wall of glasses? Why ‘for her’ and ‘for him’? All it does is reinforce those negative stereotypes.

In my case it absolutely was a huge factor and it will be for many others. Even those who aren’t trans, such as yourself.
You want was to pursue something and you were dissuaded because it was for boys, even tho it isn’t.

And then people wonder why more women don’t get in to these fields.

OP posts:
Icanttakethisanymore · 19/04/2025 19:50

I’m a woman, I’m liberal. I have no desire to make your life more difficult, however, I am conscious that women’s rights have been hard fought and need protecting.

i guess I’m interested in whether you think men and women are inherently different? If a man and a woman has an mri, do their brains look different? If not then surely it’s just upbringing?

WarriorN · 19/04/2025 19:47

I am so sorry for what you experienced growing up. Horribly similar to the childhoods of other “rational” trans people who’ve spoken for women’s rights and against child transitioning I know of, and also many detransitioned individuals.

AgnesX · 19/04/2025 19:47

13J · 19/04/2025 17:55

@AgnesX
i have had extensive therapy, but not before transitioning.

Thank you; if you had do you think it would have influenced your decision?

Btw, thankyou for putting yourself out there.

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 19:47

@ArabellaScott

I didn’t say the male prison and female ones were comparable.

Nor can I comment on the amount of trans people in either estate, or their individual crimes. There are a lot of men who are sex offenders, some of whom will be identifying as trans women.

But it doesn’t mean that all men, or all trans women will commit sexual offences.

There are female sex offenders too, granted, nowhere near as many but they do exist.

My point way that short of building a trans prison, there is no solution that will make everyone feel happy or comfortable.

And as far as what it means to be ‘treated as a man’ it is individual to each man, just as it is to women what it means to be a women or be treated as one.

OP posts:
WarriorN · 19/04/2025 19:46

Have you been on mumsnet long and have you followed the debate here?

Joystir59 · 19/04/2025 19:43

If you are attracted to men that makes you straight surely?

FiveBarGate · 19/04/2025 19:42

Thanks for sharing your story. It's a perspective we so rarely hear.

Is your husband trans as well? Or does he see you entirely as male?

In the TWAW TMAM arguments, I always wonder how denying your past is helpful to those who are confused. I always feel the journey is an important part of what makes you you and pretending that you are just magically the opposite sex isn't helpful.

Are you open with those in your life? I don't mean every person you ever interact with but those important to you?

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 19:41

@Mischance
Honestly I don’t know.

i did feel deep down that I was a man. And I feel secure in that identity now.

I just also know that there were a lot of other issues going on and there was a lot of stereotypes I was expected to conform to.

i will never know if I would’ve still felt this way if I had lived in a happier and more open environment.

Wnat does a man feel like? Or a woman? It’s individual to everyone, and hard to define without bringing stereotypes in to it.

Bur I do feel that there are people who would be happy to remain their birth sex if they had more freedom of expression, whether I was one of them, I will never know

OP posts:
Friartruckster · 19/04/2025 19:38

I just wanted to say thank you for contributing to the discussion.

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 19:36

@JamesWebbSpaceTelescope
Not really no, they weren’t.
it was explained to me that without a hysterectomy there could be issues, but I had a hysterectomy.

i can’t say I’m particularly concerned, but then as it possibly wasn’t explained fully, perhaps I’m unaware of what should be concerning me?

OP posts:
TeatimeForTheSoul · 19/04/2025 19:35

Thank you so much for posting @13J ❤️
Your thoughtful and reasoned perspective is so helpful to hear. I am mum to a fabulous AuDHD teen who is questioning their gender (born female). I’ll be bookmarking this thread for them to read at an appropriate time.
I worry so much for them, wanting to support them through tough school experiences and towards appropriate decisions for their life going forward. This is the first balanced ‘conversation’ I’ve heard and the relief of hearing your measured opinion has really impacted. Thank you so much x

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