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Original poster

Ask me anything about my experience as a trans man who wholeheartedly defends women’s rights

243 replies

13J · 19/04/2025 16:42

I really didn’t know how to title this.
But I’ve replied to a couple of posts over the last few days regarding trans people and the SC ruling.

For those who haven’t seen my previous posts.

i’m in my mid 30s.
i transitioned at 18, started testosterone at 20 and had full top and bottom surgery at 25. I also hold a GRC. I am told I pass extremely well, and most people are quite surprised if they learn I’m trans after having known me a while.

HOWEVER,
As much as I believe that everyone’s right are important, I do not believe eradicating women’s rights in the name of trans rights is okay.

i do not believe single sex spaces should be invaded by the opposite sex, and that people should be made to feel uncomfortable in their safe spaces.

I KNOW you cannot change your sex. I know I have not changed my biological sex.

i know I have a surgically altered female body, not a male one.

i have been rejected by most trans people and in most trans inclusive spaces for disagreeing with the loud minority on these points.

I’ve been called transphobic on many occasions because of it,

And as I have become older, I have come to a deeper understanding that gender is nothing more than a social concept, and while I am happy in my life and the choices I made.
i am not sure I would make the same ones again if I knew then what I know now.

So I just wanted to open this post up and say if anyone would like to know anything further about what I’ve experienced or my personal beliefs. Then feel free to ask, I will answer as openly and honestly as possible and no topic is off limits.

i am speaking only for myself, not for other trans people, but I suspect that many of them feel this way, they are just afraid to voice it because of the backlash they’d receive.

OP posts:
Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 21:54

@mylittlekomododragon

i do yes, I am registered blind and used disabled toilets long before I transitioned.

But I assume the point you were making was that if I wasn’t disabled I shouldn’t use those facilities.

So tell me this,
if a non disabled trans man can’t use a disabled toilet because they aren’t disabled.

But legally they debt use the men’s because they’re biologically female

But they can’t use the ladies because they look and sound like a man,

Then where are they supposed to go?
When people talk about ‘third spaces’ the only third space available is a disabled facility unless you’re proposing separate facilities be built.

OP posts:
Dmsandfloatydress · 19/04/2025 21:51

Thank you for answeringmy questions. That's fascinating actually. I had no idea . I assume you will have had a full hysterectomy to prevent periods if you have sewn up your vagina. There must still be a discharge build up? Sounds very drastic and the side effects must be difficult to live with. Do you think these problems should be more widely discussed as many dysphoria young women may think it's simple.

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 21:50

@1SillySossij
Sexuality is personal and different to everyone. I describe myself as a gay transman
My biologically male husband describes himself as gay.

You are entitled to disagree but you aren’t entitled to tell me who or what I am, The law says I am a man. When I married it had to legally be a same sex marriage.
I don’t make the laws I just live within them.

Bur to answer your other question. Yes, more probably should’ve been done to get me appropriate therapy but whether that would’ve led to me not transitioning I have no idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 21:45

@Dmsandfloatydress
i do.
But it varies. A nerve is taken from the clit when connecting the artificial penis to provide some sexual sensation. But how successful this is varies widely.

I have some sensation. But although the clot is buried you can still feel it beneath the skin in what is now rhe scrotum. So you can touch it through the skin and still feel pleasure.

it’s really about trying things and finding what works for you

OP posts:
Silversixpenny · 19/04/2025 21:42

13J · 19/04/2025 21:34

@Silversixpenny
My experience is that with me, people haven’t immediately been able to tell. In fact some people have been in my life a while before I’ve told them and they genuinely had no idea.

See my previous post about ny experience with women’s aid.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, really I am. I also think uou are very brave to live as you believe you should when I, before Wed, as many women have had to, have kept my mouth shut. You're far braver than me.

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 21:41

@NImumconfused
Absolutely
I began my transition in England.and had surgery there and I now live in NI.

There’s much less acceptance here, much less medical provision and much less understanding.

in face currently there is no provision for hormone treatment or surgery in NI and hasn’t been for years.

An NI transman has surgery (has to be done in England) and wasn’t happy with the results so he sued the clinic. Which lead the NI gender clinic to suspend any dealing with the clinic and it’s been ongoing years.

im able to stay on hormones because my GP can prescribe but its not being monitored tbe way it should.
And god knows what would happen if I had a surgical complication.

OP posts:
mylittlekomododragon · 19/04/2025 21:38

You say you use disabled toilets. Do you have a disability?

1SillySossij · 19/04/2025 21:38

You are not a gay transman, you are a straight woman.

How old were you when you ' transitioned,' and do you think health professionals should havev pushed upuvdown the route of more therapy to learn to accept yourself, rather than surgery and hormones?

Burntt · 19/04/2025 21:37

Thank you for answering all these questions so openly. I feel very strongly on the woman’s rights/trans rights topic and seek information from all sides. I really can’t understate how much you doing an AMA is appreciated. Particularly with such horrible childhood experiences to disclose and intimate details of medical operations and sex life being asked about. Im glad you feel happy in your life now

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 21:34

@Silversixpenny
My experience is that with me, people haven’t immediately been able to tell. In fact some people have been in my life a while before I’ve told them and they genuinely had no idea.

See my previous post about ny experience with women’s aid.

OP posts:
Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 21:30

@Shortshriftandlethal

i suppose it’s a mental thing. I identify as male, I live and have done for half of my life as a man. I have fought hard to be viewed as a man and had to prove myself constantly to get there.

if men aren’t allowed on female wards (and I agree), then in my mind. I don’t belong there either.

And I am conscious of the comfort of the women around me.

When I was 18, prior to hormones and surgery. Very new in to my transition, I was assaulted. And police took me to a women’s aid hostel for safety.

On the way up to my room on three occasions, I was stopped by residents who wanted to know why I was there because they looked at me and saw a teenage boy.

Two days later I was moved to a mixed hostel because my presence made women in the women’s aid uncomfortable

And if that was before I had a beard, deep voice, chest and artificial penis. Then I don’t imagine they’re going to feel more comfortable now.

I know in a lot of cases you can tell, and if you could tell you wouldn’t feel threatened
But if you couldn’t tell, and everything I’ve ever heard tells me that you can’t tell with me, you’d feel very unhappy about. And rightly so.

I don’t want to put women through that.

OP posts:
TheHereticalOne · 19/04/2025 21:29

I just dropped in to say that I wish I were surprised by the backstory you describe, but sadly I'm not - I have heard a variation on this over and over.

I'm very sorry you experienced all of that - it very genuinely makes me deeply sad and angry for you and other women and girls similarly treated - and I wish you every happiness.

Arlanymor · 19/04/2025 21:29

Thanks again for sharing, it helps so much to have reasoned lived experience as part of this conversation.

Dmsandfloatydress · 19/04/2025 21:26

And thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It's very enlightening. I suspect that the reasons for transitioning as a FtoM are not related to fetishism which it often can be in men who transition.

Dmsandfloatydress · 19/04/2025 21:23

Can I ask, do you achieve orgasm? If not are you okay with not?, sorry for being so personal but if the clitorus is buried then it must be impossible?

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 21:20

@Shortshriftandlethal

i would consider myself bisexual but am in a gay relationship and have no issue with most people assuming I am gay.

I have been accepted with the gay community as a man both before and after surgery and I would describe the men I’ve dated to be typical gay men. They identify as gay.

I do have an artificial penis, there’s another reply somewhere above that goes in to a bit of detail about that, I did not have an erectile device fitted tho so that’s a consideration for any sexual partner, because I can’t perform penetrative sex without the use of a toy/strapon
But that would apply regardless of who I dated.

OP posts:
Silversixpenny · 19/04/2025 21:20

Shortshriftandlethal · 19/04/2025 21:16

There could be a separate wing within the male and female estates for trans prisoners - just as there is for other prisoners considered vulnerable. That seems like the obvious solution.

Edited
Show quote history

It's very clear to me that the barriers put in the way of reasonable suggestions like this is because there is, and always has been, the agenda of social affirmation.

Silversixpenny · 19/04/2025 21:20

Shortshriftandlethal · 19/04/2025 21:16

There could be a separate wing within the male and female estates for trans prisoners - just as there is for other prisoners considered vulnerable. That seems like the obvious solution.

Edited
Show quote history

It's very clear to me that the barriers put in the way of reasonable suggestions like this is because there is, and always has been, the agenda of social affirmation.

NImumconfused · 19/04/2025 21:20

Thanks for posting so honestly OP. Just wondering if you think there are any significant differences between attitudes to trans people between NI and the rest of the UK?

Silversixpenny · 19/04/2025 21:19

PetrovaRabbit · 19/04/2025 20:40

Why do you think nature has intentions? It’s more like chaos that looks intentional from a position in the distant future.
Evolution doesn’t happen because new adaptations are a good idea. It happens because mutations and differences are constantly being created in sexual reproduction and then sometimes a trait and an environmental factor interact and happen to be well suited so individuals with that trait survive longer and have more offspring.
Homosexual attraction is an interesting thing because obviously it doesn’t result in any offspring (assuming same sex couple rather than same gender identity opposite sex I mean) and yet it’s a fairly common behavioral trait. But arguing it’s not what nature intended is just an unjustified personification of nature.

Show quote history

To add, it's to suit the enviroment AT THAT TIME as well, which is why rapid climate change is devastating species (as well as so many other pressures) because they are failing to adapt rapidly enough. A 1°C change is enoughbto wipe out scores of insects, which then has a knock on effect to animals which predate them.

The behavioural trait from the research I read was in larger populations, being homosexual means you are not challenging any hierarchy and you are around to be another pair of eyes on the offspring of your siblings.

Shortshriftandlethal · 19/04/2025 21:16

13J · 19/04/2025 19:47

@ArabellaScott

I didn’t say the male prison and female ones were comparable.

Nor can I comment on the amount of trans people in either estate, or their individual crimes. There are a lot of men who are sex offenders, some of whom will be identifying as trans women.

But it doesn’t mean that all men, or all trans women will commit sexual offences.

There are female sex offenders too, granted, nowhere near as many but they do exist.

My point way that short of building a trans prison, there is no solution that will make everyone feel happy or comfortable.

And as far as what it means to be ‘treated as a man’ it is individual to each man, just as it is to women what it means to be a women or be treated as one.

There could be a separate wing within the male and female estates for trans prisoners - just as there is for other prisoners considered vulnerable. That seems like the obvious solution.

Original poster
13J · 19/04/2025 21:15

@londongirl12

Not a problem at all, you’re not the first to ask and I’m sure won’t be the last. In real life sometimes people ask to see it!

There are two types of surgery available for trans men.

Metoidioplasty
Which I didn’t have, but briefly. Testosterone causes clitoral growth, and definition. So it looks more like the head of a penis.

With metoidioplasty the clit is ‘released’ from under the skin to create a penis which is essentially just an enlarged clit. It can get hard etc like a penis naturally. But will be very small both in length and girth.

The urethral is then extended and routed through the enlarged clit and testicular implants are placed in the outer labia.

It will look like a very tiny penis and get erect but often isn’t big enough to perform penetration, although it does grow a little when erect. and I’d imagine it would be hard to pee through because it’s not got the length to be away from the body

But I don’t know anyone who’s had it.

I had phalloplasty
Which is done in 3 stages

Stage 1
They take a skin graft from your forearm, and roll it in to a sausage shape, and sew it on to the publc bone to create the penis.

Stage 2
They extend the urethra and route it through the new penis. You have to have a catheter for about 3 months while it all heals.
They sculpt the arm skin to look more like the head of a penis

Then you can have your clit buried under the skin of you wish (I did)
Or that can be left available for sexual stimulation.

And you can optionally have the vagina closed up (I also had this) or you can leave it open if you enjoy penetration.

Stage 3
Is having testicular implants put in to the labia, and optionally, having an erectile device inserted

An erectile device is an inflatable pump inserted in to the penis to give it rigidity for sex.

I didn’t have the erectile device fitted.

Phalloplasty offer a penis that’s a more natural size (proportionate to your body) so in my case 5.5” which is the uk average although no man I’ve ever met would admit being that small.

It’s penis shaped
But you can tell it’s not natural

I can pee standing up with no issues.
And I could have penetrative sex if I had opted for the device.

They are all very risky surgeries with a lot of issues and complications

I was incredibly lucky and all went well, I healed well and it looks decent

A lot of others can’t say the same

OP posts:
Silversixpenny · 19/04/2025 21:13

13J · 19/04/2025 20:29

@Silversixpenny
its like that riddle isn’t it?
Where the father and son are in a car crash, the father boys and the doctor says they can’t operate on the boy because he’s their son.

People sit there going ‘the doctors his stepdad, the dads gay, the sons adopted’ All round the houses before they realise women are doctors too. It explodes a subconscious bias most people don’t even realise they have.

Yes, exactly right. In our labs, we have a good proportion of women, although I do occasionally get passed over to one of the undergrads, and he just says, "Dunno why you're asking me, SilverSixPenny's the one with the Master's!' Lol!

Silversixpenny · 19/04/2025 21:11

13J · 19/04/2025 20:51

@Arlanymor
That is a tough one because I would’ve assumed the reactions to be reversed.

i am the same, just want to live my life and get on with things.

i suppose from a transman perspective particularly if surgery is recent they possibly feel like they’re being forced back in to women’s spaces, which I get, and is an uncomfortable thought.

I am concerned about being put on a female hospital ward, but not just for myself, but also for the women I know will feel uncomfortable sharing with me.

i don’t want to march about it tho
because if they reverse the ruling for trans men, then they have to do the same for trans women and that puts women in danger again

I truly think, women on a single sex ward will know you were once a girl, and know that you will have had shared, common experiences so either all will be neutral, or it will be positive. I know several transmen and I knew them before, and honestly, AOK with me in any single sex space.

Shortshriftandlethal · 19/04/2025 21:09

13J · 19/04/2025 18:45

@WeeBisom
i do feel transmen are overlooked a lot, because they are typically less of a physical risk.
Although they can be very vulnerable, the issue is most trans men wouldn’t tell you they feel vulnerable because they think that to be male you can’t show any vulnerability.

It is difficult. Because trans men do get pregnant and need appropriate care, but still want to be treated as a man, and how do you treat a pregnant man when men can’t get pregnant?

Similarly with prisons.
if you put a pre op trans women in a women’s prison, they pose a risk to women, even after surgery many women still wouldn’t feel comfortable

But in a male prison, the trans women becomes vulnerable to being raped by men because they’re trans. So short of building trans prisons I don’t know the solution,

But a trans man, pre op is at risk in a man’s prison, and post op is still likely at risk.

They would be better accepted in a women’s prison but they’d feel uncomfortable
And if they were post op, or looked very masculine, women may still feel at risk and uncomfortable

The ruling hasn’t worried me personally in regard to toilets etc because I don’t use them if I can help it and am unlikely to be challenged for using the men’s.

legally the ruling means I can use the women’s, but despite the people who say they can tell. In my case, I think if I walked in to the ladies there would be issues and if I said I was a trans man it would probably be assumed I was a man trying to make a point.

So I wouldn’t do it
i do worry about being placed on a female hospital ward because neither I, nor the women on the ward will feel at all comfortable with that.

Apart from your physical appearance, is there another reason you would not feel comfortable on a female hospital ward or in a female facility. If so, what is it?

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