Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

But they can transition to some extent.

Regarding your last couple of sentences, I believe that that's what the OP was aiming for, but her DC has distanced himself, sadly.

Agree about resilience, but I don't think that 18-year-olds who are at uni, away from home for the first time, and some of them suffering from depression, anxiety, etc. are the most resilient cohort. In fact, I think it's a real flashpoint for mental health in many young people's lives.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Bayswater Support Group provides sensible support for parents of trans identified people. They are the opposite of Mermaids so no danger of going down the medical affirmation route with them.

https://sex-matters.org/

they might indeed be much happier living as the opposite sex.

They can't "live as the opposite sex" because they are not the opposite sex, and no one really sees them as the opposite sex.

To engage with the issues on the same level as you would take far more time than I have to spend on this. I would have to spend weeks reading.

I don't think that affirmation-only is the way to go. I think that each case should be assessed individually. I said in my last post to OP that some young people might be feeling that they're trans for a variety of reasons but not actually be trans, or they might indeed be much happier living as the opposite sex.

That's a very good question, and it encapsulates the problems with the trans lobby. They won't give an inch. They are unreasonable to play women's sport and to try to get access to women's changing rooms and prisons via self-ID. In doing so, they are trampling over women's rights. The activist lobby acts like only trans people have rights. On those two subjects, it's clear to me that trans people don't have the right to do what they want to do, because what they want is unreasonable, so it's not really a conflict. A test in a court of law is whether something is reasonable, and the trans lobby is unreasonable on some issues.

Well if thats what you think of yourself...

Maybe its the case that the issue is rather complicated and that affirmation only is brain dead to this and can't be reduced to the size of comforting tweet sized comments or thought terminating cliches like 'Be Kind'. And thats the problem.

I guess people want it to be easy and simplistic to understand. Sadly its not.

Personally I'm not going to try and simplify something complex for the benefit of others who find it difficult to understand, at the expense of actually understanding the full nature of the problem. Cos that would be stupid and damaging to all concerned too.

I am so sorry for what you're going through. Unfortunately there are thousands of families who have been affected by what is essentially a social contagion. Alienation and estrangement are very common ways of separating confused children and young people from their loving and supportive parents.

As well as Bayswater Support Group mentioned above, Our Duty UK also provides excellent advice and peer support from other, similarly-affected parents: ourduty.group/united-kingdom/

I find your longer posts pretty complex. Maybe I just don't have the brainpower for them.

Edit: To put another way, I don't have the same need to intellectualise the issue as you seem to, because to me it's quite simple: Kindness, understanding, and rights for everyone. Trans people have rights but so do other people. Trans people should live free of discrimination but equally should understand that playing women's sports if born male is not fair.

This

I think everyone's rights should be protected

And what happens when those rights conflict? Whose rights take precedence, are more important?

@ChicLilacSeal, your posts suggest you feel compassion towards people with trans identities and want them to live happy and fulfilling lives.

There is a long history of psychology research and theory that suggests that psychological resilience makes a positive impact on quality of life. Psychological resilience involves being able to tolerate/navigate others holding views and opinions that differ to yours, without this impacting negatively on you. There are really successful interventions to support this. In the case of the young person this thread is about, they could enjoy the love and warmth of their family, recognising that different members have different beliefs about sex and gender but that doesn't need to get in the way of their love and positive regard for each other.

Meh. I posted at 4.30am this morning. Once again, avoidant when it suits. Excuses rather than engagement.

And strangley you had enough time to engage with others.

Hmm. Wonder why.

Always the bloody same.

No one is forced to live as the wrong sex. You just are the sex you are - male or female, and that will never change. A trans woman will always be of the male sex.

Its fascinating to watch in real time, people who don't want to see something from someone else's point of view even well they've spelt it out in detail because they are too busy projecting their own ideas and experience onto everyone else to pay attention

I actually found this statement so deeply ironic that I wasn't entirely certain which of us between myself and ND was being referred to.

If it was referring to me, then I find it unfair. I was trying to assert to a poster hellbent on framing ALL MTF kids as abusive misogynists actively trampling women's rights and demanding pronoun usage that whilst yes, this can be the case, it is not always the case and that maybe she could find some compassion for vulnerable autistic kids like mine who means no harm but have got sucked into this awful ideology.

It doesn't mean that I am affirming my kid. As I said repeatedly, it's a wholly distressing position. I have an adult child who wants to ruin his body. If I seek medical help I risk a much greater chance of finding affirmation than finding a gender critical therapist. And I can't stop him from seeking such help. All I can do is hold him steady as far as I can in an adult version of watchful waiting. I might be wrong but I believe that giving a little - accepting clothing and name change - might keep him away from the medical field and hormones for as long as possible. It's awful and it's not bloody "pandering".

I wish I could understand this all much more, but I don't/can't. I am the wrong generation. It is incredibly confusing.

My heart goes out to parents who are facing this. It must be horrendous on many levels. My heart also goes out to the young people who feel that they have been been raised as the wrong gender.

My ideas around all this are so simplistic: I wonder if we should be far more fluent in terms of the way we all dress and behave. For example, I think that I would love to experiment with dressing as a bloke sometimes (moustache/beard and all) and to, for example, go into a work as a man. I wonder what that says about me because I have no desire and have never had the desire to be a super-feminine woman and wear high heels or false lashes or even makeup. The genders are still so rigidly defined. I sometimes feel that biology is so restrictive.

I don't understand however how people would want to undergo surgery to become another gender. My mind just can't get round this. I wish someone could make me understand.

You're wrong; I wrote the below at 02:02, before the TRA accusations a few hours later around 8.30.

"I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you, OP. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to think of anything that might help close this gap between you.
It's possible you might just have to wait for the distance he's put between you to pass. It doesn't sound as if you've done anything wrong, and I'm sure he still loves you. I'd be angry as well as hurt, in your shoes. Fine if he wants to change gender, but imo there's no reason or excuse to treat his mother like this. Mine is dead and I'd give anything to have her back. I can't believe some people treat their mums like this. 💖 He'll regret it one day, OP."

My problem centres around the idea that people who are gender critical HATE or want to do harm to trans people.

The reality is that virtually everyone who posts on these thread on MN has HUGE concerns about the well being of trans people and feel that they have been sold a lie which is the thing thats harming them.

We hate the ideology and the way in which it stops us protecting vulnerable people. We don't want to see ANYONE harmed. Including those who declare themselves as trans.

Restore these frameworks of protection for all concerned and these threads would evapourate.

Its this paradox of loving someone, but not necessarily liking them because of toxic behaviour patterns, which parents are at the real sharp end of.

The problem is set by those who make it adversial and promote the idea that anyone who raises a question is an evil bigot rather than a concerned relative who can see a whole load of other unaddressed issues being neglected and actively being amplified by the affirmation only approach.

Both involve delusions about physical reality (except that one involves thinking wrongly that one is too fat, which is physically possible, and the other that one is of the opposite sex, which is impossible).
Both involve harmful practices that are encouraged by others, whether in person or online, a form of social contagion.
Both are associated with other conditions that affect one’s perception of oneself, a desire for control and obsessive thoughts, though in one case this Is generally recognised and in the other it has been (perhaps deliberately) ignored.
Both destroy relationships with family and friends, impact education and have life long implications for health, including fertility, except that in the one case it is the illness that may cause the effect on fertility, and in the other it is the treatment.

Many anorexics recover to at least some degree - some will always have to be vigilant - and are able to live happy and fulfilling lives, which may or may not include having children.
There is no evidence that transitioned people are happier, in fact the sparse evidence we have seems to show that they are less so. If they have been medicated or surgically altered, they may not be able to have children, whether they would like to or not.

The parallels are clear, though naturally there are some differences, the most glaring of which is that anorexia is seen by society as damaging and undesirable, and discouraged, whereas the delusion of transgenderism has been encouraged and promoted by many who should know better, and who are only now becoming aware of the terrible consequences of their stupidity.

I am in a similar situation with a GC, so I do understand what a delicate tightrope it is to walk.

I suspect that your child's discomfort lies on the fact that you were accepting, but not overtly supportive and affirming, which is what they were hoping for. I know exactly why you responded as you did and fully understand that. But they have taken what they regard as a massive and fundamental life decision which must leave them feeling vulnerable; and in their eyes nothing but total affirmation from family and friends will do.

Perhaps write to them saying where you stand and starting with the fact that you love them - and repeating that throughout. Tell them it is something that it is very hard for you to get your head round, and that they are mature enough to understand that. That you gave birth to them as one person and now have to try and understand what is going on and take on their new reality. That cutting off contact is not the way forward. Ask them to be precise about what it is they need from you. It is no good them accusing you of not doing it right if they cannot tell you what "right" looks like.

It is very hard for parents in this situation who recognise that their child is going through something very profound, but who also want to leave open the door for a change of heart without shame if it proves that this is something that is not permanent - if it is influenced by friends and media and their reasons for espousing this are to do with insecurity and a need for a tribe rather than something more fundamental.

I have an excellent relationship with my GC who is in this situation and. like you, I have not gone into it in any details with them. I interact with them as with anyone else - I use their new name and preferred pronoun, but have simply said that I love them dearly but I am getting on a bit and will get things wrong sometimes!

Their parents have been more pro-actively supportive (facilitating professional appointments, taking to Pride march etc.) whilst always being honest, e.g. about longed-for surgery and their opposition to that.

Your child's toys-out-of-the-pram response in wanting to cut contact (whilst still expecting your financial support) is very immature and evidence of their need for some proper counselling. Can you talk to their uni about this? - tell them of your concerns?

It is very hard indeed to get it right in this situation and we can all only do our very best - but it does feel a bit like groping in the dark. The message that you love them needs to be the one that gets across - that you do not have to fully understand it all to still love them.

Sorry, it's 5 am where I am. I couldn't remember who wrote what. I'm going to get some sleep now. I don't really have time to engage on the level you ask, and I'm not well-versed in all the issues as you are, I just think that some trans people are genuinely so, and anyone feeling that they might be trans is almost certainly suffering from some distress, so they should be handled with care, and being trans shouldn't be automatically dismissed because I do think, in many cases, it's real, and not the result of mental illness. Growing up in Brighton, I have seen and known trans people live stable, happy lives as their chosen sex, and that's what I'm basing my opinion on.

Oh so after the accusation of agenda and TRA advocate, you FINALLY, get around to offering sympathy.

Jesus. Its so bloody glaringly transparent.

• I cannot agree with the attitude on here that being trans is nothing more than either a mental illness, or, in the young, a whim that shouldn't be tolerated. I have seen and known trans people from years ago. Changing sex and then living happily ever after as that new sex, and much happier than before, is true and real and possible.

I'm not a TRA; I think everyone's rights should be protected. Trans people should have the right to live and work in peace and not experience judgement and discrimination, but I don't think that people born male should compete in sports, because it isn't fair, and I don't think self-ID is OK when it comes to changing rooms and prisons.*

The 'trans umbrella' houses a wide range of people, and if we focus on the gender non conformity aspect, there are wide ranging factors underpinning it.

I haven't come across posters on this board who think trans people don't exist. I'd also say that the majority also want everyone to live and work in peace and not experience judgement or discrimination for behaviours, beliefs and attitudes that do not harm others.

In addition to the point raised (above) about single sex spaces, posters object to the expectation (demand) for others to affirm (whether they believe it or not) that sex is an identity and self determined, and/or that sex should be ignored.

This authoritarian and illiberal approach to managing difference is at the heart of this thread. It is very damaging to vulnerable people with trans identities as it alienates them from support networks that can/would reduce their vulnerability and distress.

As is often pointed out on this thread, promoting the belief gender critical views are harmful to people with trans identities is cruel and damaging. Stating that the evidence of this harm comes directly from the experience of trans people, overlooks the foundation of how narratives and meaning is created.

The model of isolationism and oppression is part of the problem.

If there were an acknowledge that trans people really needed support, then there would be this recognition and effort to support the family unit as a whole and to PREVENT family alienation rather than merely accepting it as something of an inevitability.

The fact that its taken as read that trans people are being cast out by families is alarming.

Is no one paying attention?!

If you sat a family down and tried to improve communication issues - and explained to autistic young people - that the motivations of their parents are not about 'none acceptance' but about caring and 'best interests' we'd perhaps have a different set of outcomes.

But no. The emphasis is purely about trying to drive wedges.

Again there is understanding of this in other circumstances. So why not this?

Unless the intention is precisely to enable isolating an individual from their family and to then become their 'glitter family'? Which we know is a dangerous pattern and one which leaves vulnerable adults even more vulnerable.

Instead all we get is 'well its not a mental health issue' and 'you are just bigoted'.

Honest to god, its wilful blindness.

I mean, change as far as possible, whether that means simply dressing and living as the opposite sex (I think that might be called social transition) or having physical treatment too. Obviously one can never completely change sex.