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Original poster

Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

717 replies

crochetedcat · 22/01/2025 09:00

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

OP posts:
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Fordian · 22/01/2025 11:14

wombat15 · 22/01/2025 11:13

Why would you post on here if you genuinely want to support for your child?

The most 'uncalled for' award for today goes to.....

PhilomenaPunk · 22/01/2025 11:14

zoemum2006 · 22/01/2025 10:52

TBH you haven't supported them. You haven't been hostile but you have invalidated their identity by refusing to engage.

I'm not saying I blame you as it can feel like jumping on a bandwagon but if this is a genuine process of transition for your child then I would understand why they had felt dismissed.

What is it with this obsession of being validated^^ all the time? It is so harmful and needs to be stamped out. Guess what? Nobody is required to validate anybody else's choices. That does not mean that person is being abusive, it just means they may not agree. And that has to be okay. God I can't wait for this nonsense to die a death.

DontPushMeCos · 22/01/2025 11:14

Oh op ,this sounds heart breaking- just some ideas off the top of my head: please read non violent communication and you may find the coddling of the American mind useful to understand the younger generations tendency to get offended by others actions without considering the INTENT. Some stock phrases that may give you a way in: ‘ there’s such a lot of conflicting info about trans issues on the internet I’m sorry we got it so wrong for you’ ‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through- but I’d like to try to understand’ ‘I have lots of confusing feelings about you coming out and about you alienating me I’d like to put those feelings to one side so I can support you but I’m sorry if they sometimes burst/leak out’ family therapy might really help. But therapy for you asap will help. Decide what’s your top priorities and pick your battles. Good luck - it’s not your fault, you’ve done nothing wrong this is just crappy all round xxx

wombat15 · 22/01/2025 11:13

Why would you post on here if you genuinely want to support for your child?

UserSchmoozer33 · 22/01/2025 11:13

I think your approach of continuing to finance him is correct. I don't know a huge amount about this but I have seen online discussions which suggest anecdotally that trans people are much more likely to end up in sex work (Only Fans etc). I know that must be alarming to read and it's a worst case scenario. But I think cutting him off would be opening him up to suggestions like this from whoever is currently manipulating/grooming him. It would presumably be unlikely he'd go that far. But it's a risk I would not take with any child. Apologies if that was a panic inducing post. One of the previous posters mentioned transitioning often being quickly reversed so that is hopeful.

Dweetfidilove · 22/01/2025 11:12

MysteriousUsername · 22/01/2025 09:31

I expect by carrying on as normal you're "oppressing" "her" "authentic self" What you should be doing is giving tons more attention and telling "her" how stunning and brave "she" is etc etc. After all, "she" is now the most oppressed ever.

As you haven't done all that you are obviously bigots and deserve to be cut off. But oh, still pay out a fortune to "her" for uni and phone costs.

Someone is probably in his ear about it at uni. And being autistic (almost all the trans people I know are autistic. I'm autistic myself before anyone comes at me) means it's probably an obsession, and especially if he's never been a sporty macho type (like pretty much all the autistic boys/men I know.) he may feel he doesn't "feel" like proper man, so obviously must be a woman.

As he's an adult I have no idea if uni will talk to you, but I guess you could voice your concerns that he's gone no contact, and ask for a welfare check.

*I expect by carrying on as normal you're "oppressing" "her" "authentic self" What you should be doing is giving tons more attention and telling "her" how stunning and brave "she" is etc etc. After all, "she" is now the most oppressed ever.

As you haven't done all that you are obviously bigots and deserve to be cut off*

I agree with this. Your family didn't create enough drama around the coming out so you're not suitable for supporting going forward.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 22/01/2025 11:12

So sorry that you're going through this OP. Sadly there's a type of adult involved in many trans groups who push parental alienation as a thing. Children and young people pick up on this at a time in their lives when they're rightly trying to strike out in life independently while lacking the life experience / maturity to manage this safely.

Fwiw, I think you're doing the right thing remaining "passive" about this and seeing where it leads. Presumably he's going to reach a point where the cognitive dissonance of expecting financial / housing support from the family he now deems as oppressive will emerge? I'm glad that my parents allowed me to express my intolerant teenage views without major repercussions and that I did the same with my children. We've all emerged from it all with family relationships intact - and we try not to mention the teenage fuckwittery too often 😅.

SabrinaThwaite · 22/01/2025 11:11

Ereshkigalangcleg · 22/01/2025 10:53

Why don't you drive up there and go and see him at the weekend? Have a proper conversation?

I think this is a good idea. It needs a face to face. It's too easy for him to cut you off at the end of a phone.

I was thinking this too - can you engineer it by saying that the dog is missing you, can we bring the dog up for the weekend to see you and we can all go on a long walk?

It would be useful to see who is hanging out with but I doubt he’d let you into that part of his life at the moment.

OolongTeaDrinker · 22/01/2025 11:10

crochetedcat · 22/01/2025 10:26

I really don't think he's logistically thought this through. I'm sure in his head he's living the independent life, managing just fine in the cocoon of university propped up by his mother's money. Stuff like accommodation in the summer / paying for that / life after uni and how that will all change probably hasn't entered his head.

He's giving away the support of a family, financial support, career support and knowledge... for what? I don't think he really knows either.

This is such an awful situation, it seems like a vulnerable young person, who clearly wasn't emotionally ready for the independence of leaving home has been identified as such, and targeted by a cult. As he has already gone through male puberty, he will never pass as the opposite sex, and those who are telling him he will are obviously not acting in his best interests.

I never thought I would utter these words, but thank goodness for Donald Trump - as they say, when the US sneezes the [Western] world catches a cold, and hopefully your DS' cohort will be the last one to be caught up in this gender ideology cult - and hopefully it will mean that young people like your son will be able to return to reality as unscathed as possible.

notacooldad · 22/01/2025 11:06

He is confused and experimenting with who he is.
Why are all these young people 'confused'.

I have been working with young people for nearly 40 years and never known anything like the last 7 or so years.

Out of the about 90odd teens that have claimed they were trans that I've worked with in the last few years all, within a year, went back to their original name. and status. This is the same expierence for my colleagues.
I have no idea why this is happening and how it all started.

MummaMummaMumma · 22/01/2025 11:05

When he came home for a week, did you not ask him if he wants a chat about it all. That's it's a shock to you, but you love him and wants to understand what he's going through?
To just ignore it and say "oh lovely" is not supportive.
But, he can't cut you of but expect money.

OneJumpAhead · 22/01/2025 11:05

It sounds like your approach is well meaning but I wonder if the ‘ok dear, how is uni?’ bit is coming across as dismissive of a massive thing that your child has opened up to you about. It will have taken a huge amount of courage to share in the first place and it sounds like you are scared to have an open conversation about it and are just carrying on as normal. As I said, you are obviously well meaning and loving but I am just offering a potential perspective on why your child might be distancing themselves.

Thindog · 22/01/2025 10:58

I think he is going through a delayed adolescence.He is confused and experimenting with who he is.
I would do as you are doing, let him know he is loved and supported and ride it out.
He will come back to you as he grows up, I am sure.Difficult for you but you will get there.

Slothtoes · 22/01/2025 10:58

this feels like it's all autism to me
HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf i totally agree with you. I’m also really sorry to hear your son is struggling to access training. I feel like parents of kids with ND havent been listened to about many issues affecting young people; but specifically on gender identity, given that theirs are the young people most highly represented. Women speaking as half the population are only just beginning to be heard on gender identity politics, so I’m not holding my breath.

Gender identity and the social responses to it have been politicised and exploited to the long term harm of many ND kids. And the charities for supporting autistic people and children seem to have all hopped on board with that quite happily, which is awful leaving even less support available. Parents of kids and adults with additional needs are struggling more than ever on all sorts of things, as demand is rising and public services have fallen apart.

Hwi · 22/01/2025 10:57

theDudesmummy · 22/01/2025 09:07

I would tell him he has the right to make his own choices and so do I. This month will be the last month of his allowance and phone bill if he wants to be out of communication. Wish him luck with his course and his life. I'd be willing to bet he will start to communicate.

Bravo!

claudiaswinklemen · 22/01/2025 10:57

Yep, say you respect his decision and you won’t insult him by continuing to pay his phone bill.

notacooldad · 22/01/2025 10:54

I would give tough love.

I'd send a message saying something along the lines of ' ok, not sure why you want to go no contact, please feel free to tell us. Moving forward, if you don't want owt to do with us, how are you going to pay your phone and hall costs as of course these will stop immediately.
Please don't take me for a mug, I'm not being ignored and also paying your bills.'

He can't keep his cake and eat it at the same time.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 22/01/2025 10:53

Why don't you drive up there and go and see him at the weekend? Have a proper conversation?

I think this is a good idea. It needs a face to face. It's too easy for him to cut you off at the end of a phone.

CRCGran · 22/01/2025 10:53

theDudesmummy · 22/01/2025 09:07

I would tell him he has the right to make his own choices and so do I. This month will be the last month of his allowance and phone bill if he wants to be out of communication. Wish him luck with his course and his life. I'd be willing to bet he will start to communicate.

This!!!! 100% !!!! If he wants no contact then he must assume it's from both sides. Plain and simple.

zoemum2006 · 22/01/2025 10:52

TBH you haven't supported them. You haven't been hostile but you have invalidated their identity by refusing to engage.

I'm not saying I blame you as it can feel like jumping on a bandwagon but if this is a genuine process of transition for your child then I would understand why they had felt dismissed.

pinkwaffles · 22/01/2025 10:51

crochetedcat · 22/01/2025 10:06

Thank you all. My gut feeling is to just carry on as normal. I think stopping the money (which thankfully I can afford) would fuel the way he feels even though at the same time it feels like a ridiculous expectation to cut contact with your family but still expect the money to turn up. He's still very much a young person and I promised I would support him through university so I shall. Stopping it seems petty / unsupportive almost, even though it would be perfectly acceptable really. I want to be able to say I did all I could to continue to support him and not give him the idea that I'm stopping the money because he is trans.

If he genuinely believes he is a woman and that's biological, why would he need a fanfare about it. The logical reaction is to crack on and say 'thanks for telling us', we love you and not make a fuss. Of course I know this is at complete odds with the trans logic but I'm not going to be effusive about it.

Am I embarrassed? I'm not sure that't the right word. I find it very difficult that he's adopted a new voice and mannerisms that I feel are based on a stereotype of women that isn't real. Not one woman I know sounds like that or makes a flap because their hair might get a bit wet in the rain on a normal day. Nothing else has really changed so there's nothing to be embarrassed about apart from the fact he's chosen a name that is very unusual for a young person - think Susan or something you'd associate with perhaps people of a much older generation.

I can see where this is sadly heading but still need to have the hope that he'll see sense. He's an intelligent, kind and loving boy who cared deeply about family (or at least was 3 months ago). I know it sounds daft but I can't believe he'd abandon the dog?! I need to leave the door open for him, but wanted reassurance that I was handling it in the best possible way I guess.

I did ask uni to do a welfare check on him and they said they would but couldn't let me know the answer due to data security. They could only encourage him to contact me. It's a great idea to contact the welfare service thank you and explain just so they're aware.

It's incredibly hard. Ive actually started telling a few people rather than be ashamed of it (the cutting me off bit) and I find it very interesting that people who are fully 'be kind' and TWAW are actually quite horrified and shocked by his behaviour. Clearly they think that 'trans' happens to other kids, that are 'really' trans and not my DS who they've known. If it wasn't so awful it would be fascinating.

Sometimes kids/ young people behave in ways that are emotionally immature and seem unreasonable to adults/ parents. You have to remember the brain does not finish developing until we are in our mid to late 20's. He has very limited experience of life, and is working out who he is.

You just have to remember that you are the parent and presumably love him unconditionally. Sometimes teenagers/ young people treat their parents like dirt in the process of trying to figure things out, and you just have to do your best love them anyway. Sometimes you have to take some shit in the name of supporting them - because you are the parent and you rise above it, and try to understand why they are behaving this way.

The fact that he's mentioned cutting contact absolutely doesn't mean he actually wants to. It's him shouting that he is in pain and doesn't feel understood by you. It's a message that you are actually really important and he wants you to understand.

Teenagers often push parents away when they need them most. He wants your support. It's hard for you to give him that because he's essentially saying he's now a different person and you have to deal with it, but I just think it's really important to try and understand what is at the root of the way he's behaving. It's desperation, confusion and a need for love.

theDudesmummy · 22/01/2025 10:51

I would absolutely want him to get the message that I was against what he was doing.

Christmasandallthetrimmings · 22/01/2025 10:47

So sorry you're going through this. Going against the grain here, my feeling is that if you cut off financial support it's going to feed the narrative he has created about you being unsupportive and against what he's doing. Maybe keep paying but stay quiet and he might start this feel a bit embarrassed about his outbursts....I'm getting 'only gay in the village' everyone is against me, except they're not, vibes here.

theDudesmummy · 22/01/2025 10:45

@Serenecapybara send him a cake as a reward for being unbelievably rude to his loving and supportive parents? Not a hope in hell. He needs to grow up one way or another.

theDudesmummy · 22/01/2025 10:42

You will not be helping him learn how to live an adult life by all the pussy footing around described here. One month's notice and stop the money. It's absolutely nothing to do with being "trans" (which is a fantasy cult), simply the response to someone rejecting contact and being unbelievably rude and ungrateful.

And yes, I do understand about autism, I have an autistic son too. He is younger than yours but his autism doesn't give him licence to behave like a dick to his parents.