Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

Yes, sex is almost always completely obvious. My point is that all the pp can tell is that the contestants are not presenting stereotypically as one sex or the other.

This doesn’t mean they are trans/gender variant (whatever the hell that is). What an assumption the PP is making!

Also, apparently, a trans/NB person can dress to fit with the stereotype that accords with their sex yet still be trans/NB.

I did not say there were not, I just said they won't be worshipping them.

Oh the cavalry has arrived.

They can’t, but the assumption on people’s gender ends up harming the very CIS women they are so adamant they protect. God forbid a woman appear too masculine or, as many women with PCOS do, have a higher testosterone than average.

I think you're spot on that if you cut off the financial support, you feed into the narrative in his head/that someone else is generating, that you don't support him/are embarrassed/don't love him etc etc.

I also wouldn't turn up there, that fuels a 'my parents are trying to force me to change' narrative.

Just keep on paying (galling as that is) and sending cat photos and general family news and asking how he is doing and so on.

Basically do the older version of handling the toddler who is packing his bags and leaving home forever because he doesn't want peas for tea... "yes dear thats nice, have you seen this hilarious picture of Tiddles?"

Give him nothing to kick against and he will find something else to direct his ire at. It is likely he is settling into a new group of friends and needs some drama to remain a novelty and this will soon wear off.

This has happened to a family friend. Her daughter had a very free upbringing - totally child led . They were homeschooled then went to a Steiner school. If they decided they didn't want to go in that day they didn't have to. They were not the only child and as far as I know they are not autistic. They are bright and did go to uni, and then, like your child, came home (though during their third year) and out of the blue announced they were trans. The parents were totally accepting, they used the new name and basically welcomed the new identity with open arms. Then this person decided they were against them and didn't understand them and went low contact. I believe by this time they had graduated and were living with their girlfriend. The family is wealthy and there is a trust so money is available to them. They have now had top surgery.
My friend is flummoxed about their child's attitude towards them. They are not a conventional family (having family money has allowed them to pretty much live as they wish, though this doesn't mean ski chalets and champagne but more arty creative ventures and freedom to pursue their passions without worrying about making money). Maybe they didn't act shocked enough or concerned enough or outraged - but how their child would have expected them to when their whole lives have been to accept and facilitate whatever their child wants?
I too suspect they fell in with a certain crowd at uni and, I don't know how else to put it, brainwashed. There had never been any indication of feeling confused or questioning their sex - and it's not like mum and dad were conventional or so busy with their own lives to just not see it. If their child as a youngster had said they wanted to be a boy they would let them dress and act as they wanted to.
I have no answer for you or even any helpful suggestions. Just to let you know that you are not alone in experiencing this; that you are very limited as to what you can do. My friend's child is financially fine. They might not even need to work if careful, but I do think they have a job. My friends have just left the door open 'we love you and are here when you need/want us'. What else can they do? One thing is I don't know their relationship with their younger brother. Perhaps there is someone related to you (or anyone who has been close) who can reach out to your child?

I totally agree @SugarPlumpFairyCakes

I don't think you made enough of a drama of it all for his liking. You just accepted, didn't question. Kind of rained on his parade really.

So now he's making more a drama in order to meet his needs.

Sorry to be so cynical.

No, @MissDoubleU it was a comment about your hyperbole.

If people here were to be believed, every trans person is just out for attention and to be seen as a victim. Which is a disgusting example of transphobia. Also blatantly not true. I’m not going to argue with that sort of ignorance, but I will leave you with one example of beautiful trans people influencing and changing the world.

Personally I don’t think you have been very supportive and have overstepped his boundaries

I would email him to apologise that his father and you have discussed his request to have nothing to do with you and have realised you have been overstepping his boundaries by texting him

From now on you will honour his wishes and you hope he has a good life and has found a job and place to live during the summer that will replace any financial support and housing you would have given him

I would say that this cut off he has requested has greatly upset you all but you know that going against his requests and ignoring his wishes isn’t what he wants.

If at any point he changes his mind about you being part of his life then your door is always open to become a family again

I would even suggest to the family you start new chat groups

I would then wait to see what he does next

Actions have consequences and words have meaning

A life lesson everyone needs to learn

How on earth can you tell that UC contestants are trans or gender variant?

I imagine because it's usually pretty obvious what sex someone is. Odd question. You are aware it's not a radio programme?

Being intersex is as genetically common as being red haired. Many people do not know they are intersex, as they would only learn through specific testing.

This is a lie.

How on earth can you tell that UC contestants are trans or gender variant?

I think you’ve done all the right stuff and your instincts sound good . But I wouldn’t be paying for a phone contract! Hes old enough to get a part time job and sort stuff like that himself. I started paying for my phone at 16. If he thinks it’s ok to send his own mother a horrible hurtful message like that on a text I’d just stop the contract and tell him that it’s ending in a month. I’d say you’re happy to pay the uni rent etc until the end of the academic year but if there is to be no contact then obviously you wouldn’t even know who to pay next year so you assume this will be being sorted by him …

I am guessing it won’t be long until he changes his mind. It’s not like the people likely encouraging this will be paying it for him!

Dont let him treat you like a doormat. We don’t need to accept behaviour like this. You could still keep him in the group about the dog etc but if I told my parents I didn’t want contact I wouldn’t dream of asking for money!

I would send a very honest message saying that you are confused about what it is you have or haven’t done to make him feel this way, that you love him no matter what and want to be in his life. I would say you (as a family) didn’t make a fuss about the trans thing as thought that might be the best approach but are willing to hear how he wants to navigate this as a family. I would also say that if he is intent on cutting contact then it will mean the end of all that comes with it, including his funding.
I don’t believe personally that you have done anything wrong and I would probably react the same way as you if my son was in the same position. However, you might need to play along a bit more if that is what your son needs right now and if that keeps your relationship going then I would consider it worthwhile. He is acting like a brat but at the end of the day, is it really worth losing him over??

I agree with the sentiment, whatever you do you are in the wrong.
Our now post university child is rewriting their history about what kind of parents we have always been, saying we never went to parents evenings for example, when I went to all of them, and I have their younger siblings to confirm this too .

We saw a lot of history re-writing in DD1 first year - we barley saw her or had contact - I think some of this was fueled by some family members.

Things turned - she need us for ND assessments - student financial stuff - plus a prolong stay with said relatives - things shifted back. Turned out those gifts and limited contact with us was appreciated if only later on. So I would hang in there - see how things go.

This is exactly the kind of drama, exaggeration, misinformation and hyperbole I’m talking about.

It’s endemic in this shrieking victim-centric world of ‘everyone hates us because we’re special and different’.

Yes, it's quite illustrative of the type of people OP's son is probably being influenced by. Its not healthy.

If you know where he lives can you go there at the weekend and talk face to face, I don’t think this can be best resolved over the phone / texts / e-mails

Op, I am so sad for you that you, your son, and wider family are going through this. I do think that there is a real issue with autistic teens being emotionally several years behind their peers, and seizing on anything that can ‘explain’ their differences, without having the emotional maturity or experience to be discerning. (SEN parent here).
One thing that really struck me was your description of their behaviour as aping stereotypes of how women behave, rather than how women actually behave. This is something I have increasingly observed, that it becomes almost a cosplay situation where young people are acting an idea of femininity/ womanhood that bears little relation to reality. It is all rooted in stereotypes that are actually pretty misogynistic. These can become quite unpleasant caricatures of femininity.
I really hope your young person receives the support they need from University to establish who they are as an autistic young person, warts and all, and that they reach out to you again. It honestly doesn’t sound like they really are trans (friends of mine who are knew from early childhood, so it wouldn’t be a new thing if real), and I hope they recover soon.

This is exactly the kind of drama, exaggeration, misinformation and hyperbole I’m talking about.

It’s endemic in this shrieking victim-centric world of ‘everyone hates us because we’re special and different’.

I just also wanted to offer support.
It sounds like you're doing the right things and have had some good suggestions.
I'm not sure about the supporting him aspect, I might be inclined to continue this term but then let him know that from next term onward he'll need to make other plans. This is because he has rejected you and not because you are rejecting him.
He's not the first to go to Uni and return as a characature of a woman, sadly.

And yes @MissDoubleU "trans" people have indeed been around for ever, as in people who dress and present as a stereotype of the opposite sex, for any of a lot of different reasons. A person who has actually changed sex have never existed once in the history of humanity.

Sorry I don’t have time now to RTFT, but wanted to respond quickly to this bit of your OP -

Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him.

IME there is a great deal of this surrounding any trans narrative. My late teens DD announced she was non-binary a couple of years ago but is now veering towards male presentation and I think we’ll be in the same situation as you after she leaves for uni (not the no contact, hopefully, but certainly the “I’m now a man” announcement).

Teenagers are obviously prone to drama for drama’s sake (the nonsense and ghosting and beef and gossip feels neverending), but there’s a particular outpouring of RL and online support for those who can boast a traumatic or high octane ‘coming out’ story. It’s very easy to whip up a deluge of attention and vicarious outrage for those who have ‘unsupportive’ families.

I’ve been totally baffled by my DD’s representations of conversations we’ve had, and there’s a lot of therapy speak and terms like ‘journey’ thrown around - it’s almost like she’s actively trying to give anything we say or do a negative spin in order to have a better story to tell. She’s definitely egged on in this by some of her social circle, but it’s not representative of our relationship at all.

A good friend of mine has a gay son of a similar age. His sexuality was honestly fairly obvious for some years, but following his coming out I was astonished to hear through a third party the tales he’d been telling at school about how terrible his family’s reactions were, how he felt ostracised and alone, when I know for sure he’s had nothing but support and acceptance.

We live in an attention economy. These kids have known nothing else, and SM has only worsened and heightened normal teenage drama, rebelliousness and indignation - especially amongst emotionally immature teens.

I hope your situation resolves happily for all of you, and I’d hold out hope that the whole no contact thing is just a knee jerk bit of attention-seeking. I wouldn’t cut him off financially straight away, but I’d make it clear that you’re considering that option (ask why he thinks you should support an adult who no longer wishes to have a relationship with you) and encourage him to have a proper conversation with you about what he thinks the future will look like for you as a family.

Either way, you have my sympathy - grappling with this stuff is utterly exhausting, endlessly worrying and just … shit.