Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

I think like posters up thread he's got in with an echo chamber that thinks acceptance means a huge fuss and fanfare. It is cult like.

I worry about how vulnerable he is. Might the university help? Would he meet with you?

I know it would be hard but if he refuses to engage with you he can find out how hard it is without any support financial or otherwise.

There was one particular day when he dismissed breastfeeding as an exclusively female activity and insisted male born people could do it (with the right drugs).

He's my eldest and I spent hours rooted to the sofa patiently learning how to feed him when he was a newborn. His dismissal of my female experience of birthing and feeding him angered me so much I couldn't stay in the same house as him and walked out after blowing my top. I feel angry now just thinking about it. It's a visceral response.

I agree.
You obviously weren’t overjoyed enough to have gained such a stunning, beautiful and brave daughter.

Not sure what pronoun this young person uses, but I think it's possible they are picking up that your nonchalence is not authentic and that you are disgusted at their stereotypical mannerisms, and even possibly misinterpreting that as disgust at them in general.

I think speaking honestly about your misgivings is the best thing to do - but also keeping on being supportive, because it is also very likely that they are trying to see if you love them by pushing you away really hard. It's not functional, it's not the best thing to do, but lots of toddlers and teens do it. It's an unspoken way of saying 'will you still love me if....'

I'm glad you are continuing the financial support. Those people who are urging you to withdraw it are the sort who prefer to be right than to preserve the relationship. And if your child is 'testing' your love, that will be a massive 'fail' grade.

If there is no contact by the end of the student year, that would be a good time to review financial support, as they may be applying for a student loan as an independent adult rather than as receiving support from you.

Lastly, it might be helpful to look for support somewhere less anti-trans than MN. Gendered Intellingence offers online support groups, for example.

Agree entirely @StressedLP1

This bears hallmarks of tactics that cults use (separating the cult member from their non-cult family).

But they are not. The right thing to do was not to change name or pronouns and to face up to his being influenced by gender woo.

I agree in principle, but I think the "that's nice dear, anyway" approach is sometimes better in practice. He's clearly wanting a self justifying drama to talk to his new mates about. He's too old to have any actual say in what he does. She can't cut these people off like she could with a younger child, he's at university.

Your continual politicising and whiny, hand-wringing derailing of a thread where a distressed mother has come for advice about her relationship with a child she clearly loves and wishes to support is ironic.

Instead of using this as an opportunity to foster understanding and offering any genuine perspective, you’re resorting to blatant lies, biological misinformation, accusations of bigotry and histrionic tributes.

From everything you’ve said you also have a fundamental misconception of the position of many of the women who post on these boards - which is not to deny the rights of trans people to live happy and fulfilled lives under the protection of the law (which they already have under the Equality Act) but rather to safeguard the hard-won rights of the 51% of the population whose existing protections are threatened by the proposed system of non-certified self ID and the erasure of the legal and biological definition of Woman.

You make it very easy to see why a sensible and rational discourse on any of this is nigh on impossible.

This feels like very very good advice.

I do think that children with autism are often “younger” than their peers and in the same way you wouldn’t stop feeding a NT 14 year old who said their were cutting contact I don’t think that you should stop supporting your son.

Id lean in to the contact which you do have, put some gentle boundaries in place as pp suggested ( I need to see the flat before I can co-sign etc), and maybe book a good family weekend away in the easter holiday which he can be included in if he wishes.

TBF it is just as obvious on a radio programme what sex someone is.

YY, but they wouldn't necessarily know any given man with an obvious male voice claimed to be a "woman" at all.

But they are not. The right thing to do was not to change name or pronouns and to face up to his being influenced by gender woo. Autistic people are much more likely to fall for this guff because it centres them, and they find social situations difficult. No, right from the start with explanations as to why OP was not accepting this nonsense would have been more helpful. Trans IDs are imaginary and eventually destructive.

Suicide rates in trans youth are so high because of the lack of support.

Can you provide statistics for suicide in trans youth in the UK please?

I find his portrayal of 'woman' really upsetting. It's certainly the opposite of what myself and his sister portray. Maybe that's it - he wants to be different. I find it insulting.

I fully understand. It's a caricature, they're not women and they don't know how to be one.

How rude are you?
Knuckle draggers. It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable you know.
You're well and truly reading the Script aren't you? You are quoting nonsense. Most vulnerable my Aunt Sally.

Oh right, I see. I haven’t seen UC very much recently so although I’ve seen plenty of non-gender-stereotypical contestants I haven’t heard any of them declaring their pronouns or anything. I was just pointing out that the PP’s apparent assumptions based on appearance were somewhat hypocritical.

I have an autistic teen and some similar issues. They are younger though so living at home.

I would almost guarantee that the suggestion to cut you off has come from a new friend or group of friends. One of the most difficult parts of the trans issue seems to be the influences from others and disturbing trend to try and alienate the child from their family. We had this from a teacher can you believe. We were described as non supportive when our approach, like yours, was to take a neutral, non criticising but non affirming approach. It caused a very damaging rift for a while and it felt like our child was being groomed.

I feel your child needs to know you love them and will always be there for them. I also think though that they need a bit of a reality check in terms of their actions and consequences. They can't announce you have been cut off but still expect you to fund them. Yes they will be emotionally and socially younger than their peers but even a much younger child would understand you can't just take in a relationship.

I'd message and say you love them and will always be there for them. You very much want to stay in contact and are terribly sad that you haven't spoken recently. If they do want to cut off contact though you understand you can't stop them doing this but could they please let you know what arrangements they are putting in place for living arrangements during University holidays and covering their financial costs going forward so that you know they have managed to organise this before contact stops.

It should at least give them something to think about. Whether you do stop finances is up to you but I do think your child needs to be reminded that you are currently bankrolling them.

I'm generalising and I kind of don't care - there's something about some Autistic guys (PDA) where when you double down they're going to double down ten times harder. Because of that, you can feel at the mercy of their beliefs and know challenges will just end badly.

I think being nonchalant is the only way like OP is doing. You cannot do a single thing more. And if it's difficult to say 'she' then that's understandable. Especially with a beard for goodness sake.

Pulling financial support or falling over one self to acknowledge his new she ness is not a good idea imo. OP will be dealing with the fall out so nothing more really can she do. I'd personally not want them to fall out of Uni.

(That wonderful trans lady article - referenced earlier; if she took her own life, she was always going to take her life. Being Autistic or ND I'm going to guess would be the primary struggle for this trans lady imo. The trans aspect only made that existence harder. Obviously, not their fault at all. )

TBF it is just as obvious on a radio programme what sex someone is.

University students have long been experimental and non conforming in their physical presentation - 40 years ago it was about New Romanticism and ‘gender bending’. The difference is no one was claiming that they were actually the opposite sex back and demanding that reality is suspended around them.

Yes, sex is almost always completely obvious. My point is that all the pp can tell is that the contestants are not presenting stereotypically as one sex or the other.

Also, some of them are quite vocally "trans". Not sure why you're making such an issue of this. I've definitely seen trans people on it.

He's at uni, his appearance is quite androgynous and he's using a unisex version of his name but he doesn't appear to have done anything about taking hormones which was my biggest worry. We don't discuss it - I couldn't do it without getting upset as he came out with a lot of gender stereotypical bullshit which I couldn't stomach.

I don't think genderists understand how upsetting the sexism can be.

This doesn’t mean they are trans/gender variant (whatever the hell that is). What an assumption the PP is making!

Gender variant means anyone not gender conforming, I think. Of course a man in a twinset and pearls is going to be clocked as "gender variant" in that broad way.

We've been through similar with DS, it's probably the most stressful thing I've ever dealt with.

He's at uni, his appearance is quite androgynous and he's using a unisex version of his name but he doesn't appear to have done anything about taking hormones which was my biggest worry. We don't discuss it - I couldn't do it without getting upset as he came out with a lot of gender stereotypical bullshit which I couldn't stomach.

We have settled for ignoring it and generally have an amicable and loving relationship where we focus on discussing his course a lot (which is vocational and he's very passionate about).

The Gender Dysphoria Support Network, run by Genspect, has been my lifeline and has connected me to other parents.

Before he left for uni we arranged for counselling with non-affirming therapist who was hugely experienced but DS didn't engage so I don't necessarily think that helps.

They can’t, but the assumption on people’s gender ends up harming the very CIS women they are so adamant they protect.

There is no such thing as "cis women". Women means an adult female human being. There aren't two biological sexes of women. Keep your bizarre identity labels to yourself, most women don't identify with your movement.