Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

That is so terrible for you. It sounds like he's been brainwashed almost. As you were clearly being fully supportive.
I really hope you can reach out and explain that you're on his/her side and just want to see them happy. I hope this is just a passing thing (the drop in communication) and they'll realise family is really important. At that age you do want to find your own tribe, but not at the expense of shunning your loving family.

Are there any legalities re what you pay for your child at Uni?

Course, accommodation, food, necessities Ok.

Fun money I would feel they could now find themselves!

It really is a bloody cheek isn't it "fuck off but still send your money!"

I agree though that cutting them off plays into their hands.

As does continuing to fund them in a way.

Would I be embarrassed if my 6ft3 son put on a "girly(?)" voice & adopted what they perceived to be female mannerisms?

Probably yes.

Would I be hugging them & calling them my brave daughter, probably not!

I feel for you Op.

It's possible that however you reacted would have been wrong.

You're doing really well OP. I would struggle to be as accommodating as fairly GC and cannot stand the attention seeking and demand for validation that often comes with these sorts of announcements...

However, this is your child who you love, I get that.

I suspect the 'no contact' has been egged on by whoever is influencing them most at this point - friends/online/whatever. And your lack of 'glitter/flags/stunning/tears' has been translated to them (by aforementioned influences) as a rejection by you, which they should pre-empt, by rejecting you first.

Whilst I would be very much in your camp of 'Lovey dear, here's a pic of DDog' - that is obviously feeding into the 'rejection' narrative and being used as ammunition against you.

I would be tempted to send something along the lines of:

'Just checking in once again to see if you are okay as you have ignored recent messages. Please can you explain why you think no-contact is the best way? Were you disappointed in our reaction to your news in some way? I had hoped and thought that we'd shown you love and support... Please consider that whilst this may be something you've been coming to terms with for a while, this is new information to us and it will take us time to process. In the meantime, we miss hearing from you and want to remind you that we are here for you always, and our love for you is not diminished in any way.

If however, you are determined that you want to cut ties with us, we will have to accept that. And along with that sad outcome, there are obviously going to be logistics to discuss - financial and practical - so if that's your decision, can you let us know how do you want to go about doing that?'

Have you ever parented an autistic child? You come across as ignorant about how best to deal with the situation, when heart to heart talks, or continually asking about feelings (that the autistic person will have a very hard time actually identifying) and generally making a huge spotlight can be utterly overwhelming and just not possible. Do you really think that a sensitive and awkward autistic young man wants to go clothes shopping with his mum?

Sometimes, quietly not making a fuss IS acceptance. No-one has announced it is “not to be mentioned in this house again”, that is ridiculous.

His mum knows him much better than you.

This sounds as if you’re blaming the OP for all this. Ridiculous. What do you think she should have done with her autistic son when out of the blue he announced he was a girl? Immediately validated it, encouraging him to continue and making it much harder for him to ever row back from it?

OP: I don’t think you should blame yourself in the slightest. Your son is vulnerable but he is an adult. He can’t have it both ways: he needs to understand that he can’t tell you he wants to cut off all contact and still expect you to finance his life. It would be good if you could get a university welfare officer or similar to point this out to him, but I would be wary in case they wholeheartedly support him. Is there another trusted adult, e.g. an uncle/aunt or sensible cousin, who could talk to him?

They are not a child if over 18 though. Just because someone isn't responding to their parents, it doesn't mean they are having a mental health crisis. Lots of people on here are have low or no contact with their parents and I am pretty sure they would be outraged if their parents expected their workplaces to get involved.

There is such a thing as pastoral care. He is more vulnerable than other young adults because he is autistic.

The attention economy point up thread was very interesting. Whether it's this, only fans, tiktok, whatever, they need to feel special and validated by audiences, even if they don't know them. I find it most odd. And damaging.

They are not a child if over 18 though. Just because someone isn't responding to their parents, it doesn't mean they are having a mental health crisis. Lots of people on here are have low or no contact with their parents and I am pretty sure they would be outraged if their parents expected their workplaces to get involved.

Unless and until it happens to you that your beloved child does this, you have no authority to comment.

I could ask my highly vulnerable autistic young person to leave 'tout suite'. They would then be homeless and penniless and no less vulnerable. They would also be completely justified in saying I was a nasty transphobe who literally threw them out.

It is very, very easy to lay down a theoretical law like you have. It is totally different knowingly throwing away your relationship with your adult child.

Drop him a message saying you need his bank details to make the next payment of £700 and if he doesn't respond, don't send him anything
He's is acting like a spoilt princess

there was a similar post a few years ago, son went to uni and declared himself female. But poster had 2 daughters and none of his behaviour/dress was even similar to them and it was causing lots of issues with them all. They didn’t recognise any of what he was doing as female behaviour and wouldn’t validate him and he wanted special treatment over them?
I don’t know if she ever posted again.

Of course they can check on a student, don’t be ridiculous. Being an adult doesn’t mean your university (or workplace) don’t have a duty to care for you. This child is acting out of character and isolating themselves from their normal support.

My SIL had a MH crisis while at university and I can assure you they were extremely helpful.

Remember that at the end of uni their 'support' network at university will disappear pretty damn quickly. They will find outside that bubble things might not be as straightforward as they think.

Personally, I would not cut them off financially, I would send a message saying 'I'm sorry you didn't feel supported in your transition, we love you and support you in everything you do, and we'll respect your request for space but we're always here if you need us' or words to that effect. You don't want them dropping out of university, because that's just going to cause more and worse issues down the line. ND people are prone to very black-and-white thinking - and are vulnerable in that respect - so maybe your low-key reaction was interpreted as lack of support. I totally appreciate it's difficult to seem supportive of something you're not entirely on board with for a whole plethora of reasons. For me, though, if I was in that situation, despite being gender critical myself, my child's wellbeing and happiness does come first. I'd be concerned about who they were surrounding themselves with and want to keep the lines of communication as open as possible and not inadvertently slam any more doors. I think you need to make them really aware that you're always there to support and lend a sympathetic ear. Good luck, it's a really tough situation to be in.

My son is also part of this cult at Uni OP. It's very distressing and I feel for you.

I have chosen the 'neither confirm nor deny' strategy. I call him love or sweetie or something and avoid using his name (just can't use his 'new' name), DH calls him his old name still. I have reassured him that I love him and will always be there for him but that we find it difficult. We don't really talk about it now. Previously I had expressed my strong GC views, we keep away from any such subjects now. I also find it insulting that they portray a female stereotype. I just pray he won't take any medication and will get bored of it.

I wouldn't cut him off financially. You want him to do his degree and show continued support.

I'm still hoping we come out the other side unscathed. It's been about 18m for us now.

Uni won't be interested, they just change the name per the student's request and get on with it, it is rife!

It's very, very difficult. Be kind to yourself.

Oh give over.

If you take the idea that someone is "still the same as they always were and it doesn't change anything" then you absolutely shouldn't change your behaviour to someone if you are totally accepting! This should be the default position.

The entire point is that transition is about demanding a fawning change in behaviour towards someone. And that's where everything falls down.

I've seen it so many times and the hypocrisy is off the scale. It's this whole idea of being the opposite sex and expecting a sexist response in reciprocation. And then being baffled by people who really don't buy into gender stereotypes treating everyone the same and not being sexist!

You cant do right for doing wrong.

And this is the point. When it's theoretical and someone you don't know, it's easy to throw insults about. When it's someone you know in side out and they start with ridiculous expectations it's a difficult ball game.

The smearing of families is appalling and gross.

Anyone coming into my house putting on a silly voice in order to caricature women would be asked to leave tout suite.

Lastly, it might be helpful to look for support somewhere less anti-trans than MN. Gendered Intellingence offers online support groups, for example.

No one should be going to them for "support".

I'm so sorry you're going through this @crochetedcat, it must be incredibly hard.

I've read your replies and I think you are doing the right thing by carrying on as normal. Cutting him off would completely play into the hands of whoever is feeding him this narrative, whereas if you behave in the opposite way, hopefully he'll understand deep down that what his student/internet friends are saying about you just isn't true.

I would continue with communications as normal, perhaps favouring the family WhatsApp group as your preferred method. React as little as possible to his big announcement in the hope that if you haven't taken the bait and turned it into a huge thing, it'll be easier for him to change his direction of travel.

I read a really interesting article a few years ago about a man who had transitioned, including having surgery, but then returned to being a man/male. (Not sure how to phrase it!)

He said that looking back and examining his motives and feelings, he was going through various difficulties in his life at the time. He somehow associated being a woman with being all cute and fluffy, meeting other nice ladies for little lunches and gossip, and only having little, cute problems to deal with.

Of course this wasn't the case. His original problems and difficulties where still there. (Shock! Women have grown-up problems too!)

I just wondered if this resonates with you at all regarding your son?

Precisely.

I mean, surely if anything, the suicide rates of young people should have plummeted recently from years ago, you know, when all the poor closeted/repressed trans children were offing themselves left right and centre 🤔

Men cannot begin understand what it is like to be a woman.
They can only imagine.

When XY enter women's sports, with their massive muscular build and strength, and {often} male genitalia it is desperately unfair on women {XX}

OP - carrying on as normal asking about uni etc is not accepting its completely brushing under the carpet.
I can see why they would be upset. Have you offered any emotional or practical support in the form of asking how they are feeling, if they have any future plans, any issues this change has brought up whilst being away at Uni, would they like to go clothes shopping? If not then you have not been supportive and that is why your child is feeling like this. Your child didn’t ask for ‘fanfare’ as you put it, they looked to you for support. Imagine a gay person in the 1980s telling their parents they were gay for it never to be mentioned ‘in this house’ again. That’s what you’ve done. Now saying you’ll cut them off financially is pretty low.

They can't. It's been debunked by multiple organisations as manipulative bullshit.

That's kinda the point isn't it?

It's all about living in a fantasy world.

It's incredibly hard. Ive actually started telling a few people rather than be ashamed of it (the cutting me off bit) and I find it very interesting that people who are fully 'be kind' and TWAW are actually quite horrified and shocked by his behaviour. Clearly they think that 'trans' happens to other kids, that are 'really' trans and not my DS who they've known. If it wasn't so awful it would be fascinating.

This definitely seems to be a common thing. There's a belief that in these scenarios that it's always the trans person that's hard done by, not the other way round. And when people come into people they know well and are accepting people to find themselves in this situation.

Which is why I make of saying what the old advice used to be, the reasoning behind it and reflect on why it's changed.

I also echo comments about looking for a rise and attention. It's fascinating.

I think watching from the outside on this several times now, there is an element of looking for attention and when that doesn't work almost turning up the dial. Theres a desire to almost WANT to be rejected because it sort of adds an element of 'legitimacy' and it allows them to say "we'll look what they've done to me".

Personally I WOULD have the conversation about finances and say "We aren't going to cut you off but you need to have a long hard look at your own hypocrisy of wanting to cut us off but still expecting the benefit of finances. If you are saying you are wanting to be independent of us, perhaps you should examine just how much you mean it. We support you no matter what, so don't try and make out we are the enemy. We are not. We are on your side. You'll find a lot more people in life who claim to be, but really aren't. If you want to be an adult and not involve us, then you need to examine what this means in terms of everything not just what you want to pick and choose".

Basically identify why what he's doing is a pile of self indulgence whilst emphasising the support.

Put the ball in his court for him to make decisions from. Whilst stressing your support. But don't pander to the bullshit cos you aren't going to be any better off for it anyway.

You need to be kind to yourself in all this too. You matter too and there's little you are going to say or do that will 'change minds'.

In breaking cult like thinking the key point that stressed is to do things that get people thinking again. Which is why I think you should talk about the finances because it addresses a big elephant in the room and forces thinking and engagement.

He's not being very kind to you. In fact he's being something of a gigantic overgrown brat in expecting to have his cake and eat it. Keep that in mind.