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Original poster

Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

717 replies

crochetedcat · 22/01/2025 09:00

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

OP posts:
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UrsulasHerbBag · 22/01/2025 14:39

Oh what a really upsetting situation for you all OP. You mentioned another child? How are they coping with it? I remember another thread a little while ago and one of the siblings was really angry and in distress with the way her elder sibling had started presenting. So I hope they are coping too and wonder if they are in contact still?

it is so easy to say what we would all do in a theoretical situation that has no consequences for us but this is real for you and your family. Try to get some support, keep talking with DH and wider family and support and continue as you are. Kind, supportive and open.Research the subject and keep your head clear. Good luck.

Katbum · 22/01/2025 14:38

I'm sure three weeks feels like forever, but it's not in the grand scheme of things. Do as you are doing, be there and be consistent, don't feed the drama is my advice (as someone who estranged from parents, unfairly for a while in my 20s, it was about external factors and wanting to prove some kind of self-sufficency, as well as a cry for attention). If your child really does want to estrange, I think there is a conversation to be had about expectations and finances.

BreatheAndFocus · 22/01/2025 14:37

The problem is I think he's determined to feel discriminated against regardless of our actions

I think that’s probably a big part of it. There’s a manufactured hysteria among many trans people, quite unlike the older trans people from my youth. The internet hasn’t helped this because it almost rewards them for being the Most Oppressed.

I definitely wouldn’t cut his money or anything like that. That would be playing right into the hands of his new-found ‘friends’. If he keeps on saying things like you’re embarrassed by him or aren’t treating him right, however infuriating it is, keep totally calm and ask: “I’m sorry you’re feeling that. We’re definitely not embarrassed by you and we’re sorry if we’ve inadvertently hurt you. Can you give some examples so we can try harder?”

That puts the ball in his court, shows you’re being ultra-reasonable, and also makes him think about what his grievances actually are so he’ll hopefully realise they’re unfounded.

AlmondLoaf · 22/01/2025 14:36

MysteriousUsername · 22/01/2025 09:31

I expect by carrying on as normal you're "oppressing" "her" "authentic self" What you should be doing is giving tons more attention and telling "her" how stunning and brave "she" is etc etc. After all, "she" is now the most oppressed ever.

As you haven't done all that you are obviously bigots and deserve to be cut off. But oh, still pay out a fortune to "her" for uni and phone costs.

Someone is probably in his ear about it at uni. And being autistic (almost all the trans people I know are autistic. I'm autistic myself before anyone comes at me) means it's probably an obsession, and especially if he's never been a sporty macho type (like pretty much all the autistic boys/men I know.) he may feel he doesn't "feel" like proper man, so obviously must be a woman.

As he's an adult I have no idea if uni will talk to you, but I guess you could voice your concerns that he's gone no contact, and ask for a welfare check.

I suspect a lot of trans people are autistic because of the feeling they are different and don't fit in.
I'm really glad I didn't get any trans influence in my era.. It wasn't a thing, I was a tomboy as a younger child who played games a lot and always thought of myself as more boyish.. Nope I'm just a woman that doesn't fit the mold. Smile

theDudesmummy · 22/01/2025 14:33

@Balloonhearts this

Balloonhearts · 22/01/2025 14:32

Ok Dear, we'll miss you very much but I understand that you need some time to become independent and your own person. We love you no matter what and if you want to come back you're welcome. Good luck getting your first job, we're super proud of you and don't forget to pay council tax!

Then stop sending money, stop paying his phone contract, everything. He won't starve. Uni wouldn't let him.

I guarantee he will be back with his tail between his legs within a couple of months.

Name5 · 22/01/2025 14:31

Hello OP.
There is a LGBTQ board for parents of children and adults.
If you wish to ask any specific questions I suggest you post there.
Later today this thread could become very nasty and upsetting. I only picked it up because it was trending.
I have a university student trans DC. Eight years experience. I'm happy to answer a DM or on the other board.

wombat15 · 22/01/2025 14:30

Ereshkigalangcleg · 22/01/2025 14:16

And what do you think the "pastoral care" will involve if he says he is fine, is communicating with the university and going to lectures?

That doesn't mean they shouldn't check in with him at all. As I said, pastoral care is a thing.

What do you mean by "check in with him"? They might contact him and ask if he is okay but if he says he is and he is going to lectures etc what do you think they would do?

lifeturnsonadime · 22/01/2025 14:27

I haven't read the full thread but I don't agree with cutting financial support at this point.

This will ensure there is no further contact.

I have an autistic son who is not identifying as trans but he doesn't have the emotional maturity in every social situation.

OP take some advice from bodies like Bayswater. I am so sorry you are going through this.

GoldVermillion · 22/01/2025 14:26

PhilomenaPunk · 22/01/2025 14:21

"They are seeking an answer as to why they don't feel like they fit in."

@GoldVermillion but this is precisely the point. Feeling like you do not fit in is a very standard and pretty much universal feeling during puberty and adolescence. And it carries on at different points throughout our lives. It's part of the human condition. It's how we question our place within our communities and the wider world. What it does not need is to be pathologised and medicalised. We need to teach the younger generations that their feelings are valid whilst making it clear that reality still exists. That this is a rite of passage for the vast majority of us, and it is important to keep questioning why we feel the way we do rather than trying to at best, make people around us uncomfortable, and at worst, put women and girls in additional danger, by trying to change the world based upon our feelings.

I know! I don't agree with genderism. My vulnerable adult has been sucked in by this pernicious movement and I hate it. I hate the movement. If he was born ten years earlier there's no way he'd be "trans" now. He had no dysphoria in childhood.

However, with an autistic person with black and white thinking trying to work out why they don't do "being male" correctly and stumbling upon this welcoming, neurodivergent online community I completely understand what has happened. He truly believes that he is female because he has been "radicalised".

And now that it has, telling him to pull himself together, get real or get out just isn't going to work. We are dealing with fragile people here. They are not the mouthy TRAs most people on this thread are banging on about. They are vulnerable people.

TellYourSugargliderISaidHi · 22/01/2025 14:24

Hwi · 22/01/2025 11:15

Poor parenting and lack of religion, lack of belief in God, on which everything was built both in the Western and Eastern civilisations. Look at the strong faith-based Islam-following families, where they don't place little shits, 'experimenting with their sexuality' on a pedestal, the pedestal is reserved for God, as it should be. No believer will ever be wondering 'am I trans'? No believer would ever be worshipping consumerism and going 'me, me, me'. It is a shame that modern Christian families shun religion and feel embarrassed of it. Modern parents look everywhere and anywhere when problems hit, but in the right direction.

Of course it is late for the OP to change anything, apart from cut their dc off financially, but maybe the OP post will alert MN readers? Be helpful to them in the future, when they embark on parenthood?

Show quote history

I don’t believe in imaginary things like god or changing sex. I can see how it would be comforting to do so if you can though.

Banyon · 22/01/2025 14:22

I’ve 2 children at Uni, both had transwomen in their housing first term. I was interested just to hear about how these young people’s lives are lived, so as well as asking about others in their housing, I ask after these young people too.
DC one: the transwoman in his housing took a break after one or two terms. Has not returned now as approaching end of 3rd year. My DC, so open and kind just said, “She had so much stress, she needed to take time away”
DC two: the trans woman in his housing left the housing after 1 night. The housing was 12 person mixed halls because she did not want to share a private shower/toilet with a one male student. TW did not want to exit room and be seen going to / from shower or toilet.

I know it’s only two people, but my impression is that the journey is not easy. Perhaps your child is trying to make their life less complicated by cutting out extra stress - and child views you as extra.

Literally, every thing your DC does is now carefully planned, curated and acted through with everyone watching. There is no prospect at this point of your child “ just being themselves without all the effort & trying to present very differently from previous self”

PhilomenaPunk · 22/01/2025 14:21

"They are seeking an answer as to why they don't feel like they fit in."

@GoldVermillion but this is precisely the point. Feeling like you do not fit in is a very standard and pretty much universal feeling during puberty and adolescence. And it carries on at different points throughout our lives. It's part of the human condition. It's how we question our place within our communities and the wider world. What it does not need is to be pathologised and medicalised. We need to teach the younger generations that their feelings are valid whilst making it clear that reality still exists. That this is a rite of passage for the vast majority of us, and it is important to keep questioning why we feel the way we do rather than trying to at best, make people around us uncomfortable, and at worst, put women and girls in additional danger, by trying to change the world based upon our feelings.

Jellyslothbridge · 22/01/2025 14:20

I think holding off making any decisions hard to reverse is the way to go.
Alleycat gave some good advise.

maltravers · 22/01/2025 14:20

I’d be tempted to jump on a train with the dog (if he is fond of the dog), go and visit him and say you and the dog have been missing him. How would he react do you think? I realise this is not without risk of course, but your visiting him is not consistent with rejecting him (which may be the narrative the cult is pushing). What does he think will happen in the holidays do you think?

Dagnabit · 22/01/2025 14:18

I would send him some links to his university support including financial help and then say, you do not want to upset him so will be withdrawing the financial support but are here if he needs to talk. I wouldn’t actually stop paying the accommodation costs straightaway but sounds like he needs to grow up a bit!

Ereshkigalangcleg · 22/01/2025 14:16

And what do you think the "pastoral care" will involve if he says he is fine, is communicating with the university and going to lectures?

That doesn't mean they shouldn't check in with him at all. As I said, pastoral care is a thing.

Original poster
crochetedcat · 22/01/2025 14:15

nutmeg7 · 22/01/2025 14:00

Have you ever parented an autistic child? You come across as ignorant about how best to deal with the situation, when heart to heart talks, or continually asking about feelings (that the autistic person will have a very hard time actually identifying) and generally making a huge spotlight can be utterly overwhelming and just not possible. Do you really think that a sensitive and awkward autistic young man wants to go clothes shopping with his mum?

Sometimes, quietly not making a fuss IS acceptance. No-one has announced it is “not to be mentioned in this house again”, that is ridiculous.

His mum knows him much better than you.

Show quote history

Thank you.

None of us are shoppers. That would be really odd.

Our whole approach to supporting his autistic needs has been quiet acceptance. When he couldn't bear to be in social situations, we just let him not. When he couldn't go for family meals as disliked sitting watching people eat, we just let him not. When he had unusual food needs, I just bought the foods. When he no longer wanted any hugs, I just let him (most of the time). It's not coming from a place of ignoring it - it's the very opposite of accepting him for whatever he wants to be or do. And he should know that based on us meeting his needs this way for a decade!

I have followed the approach that I thought would be easiest for him. Any other option would be worse - questioning him or celebrating him would both distress him. The problem is I think he's determined to feel discriminated against regardless of our actions.

OP posts:
Pluvia · 22/01/2025 14:14

The idea that suicide is common among young trans people is very definitely a lie.

www.transgendertrend.com/the-suicide-myth/
What are the facts about suicide and self-harm?
Michael Biggs analysed the Tavistock GIDS and national suicide figures and found that suicide amongst young children in England and Wales is, thankfully, vanishingly rare and there is no evidence that there is a high rate among trans-identified children. In teenagers there are other conditions that carry a higher suicide risk, including anorexia, depression and autism.11 The Samaritans reported this year that suicides among teenage girls and young women between the ages of 10 and 24 have almost doubled in seven years, increasing by 94 per cent since 2012.12 All of these factors may be significant when considering the adolescents who are being referred to the Tavistock GIDS.

There is growing evidence to indicate that suicide after full transition — when people, male and female, have been taking drugs and had sexual reassignment surgery — is on the rise. And who needs to ask why? You've taken the drugs for a few years and your health is suffering as a result because it's not designed for unnecessary testosterone or oestrogen, you've had 'bottom' surgery and now you're incontinent and suffering dreadful UTI's and kidney failure, your neo-vagina smells horrible and keeps trying to close up, you can't achieve an orgasm and no one except some really pervy blokes on the internet wants to be in a relationship with you. This is the reality:

https://x.com/wesyang/status/1881776014013149506

x.com

https://x.com/wesyang/status/1881776014013149506

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 22/01/2025 14:14

I think I’d play devils advocate and send a message saying that you completely support their right to live independently, free from family ties but do need to discuss finances going forward so would appreciate some brief communication when they have time.

poemsandwine · 22/01/2025 14:11

PhilomenaPunk · 22/01/2025 11:14

What is it with this obsession of being validated^^ all the time? It is so harmful and needs to be stamped out. Guess what? Nobody is required to validate anybody else's choices. That does not mean that person is being abusive, it just means they may not agree. And that has to be okay. God I can't wait for this nonsense to die a death.

Show quote history

Every word of this.

wombat15 · 22/01/2025 14:10

Ereshkigalangcleg · 22/01/2025 13:59

They are not a child if over 18 though. Just because someone isn't responding to their parents, it doesn't mean they are having a mental health crisis. Lots of people on here are have low or no contact with their parents and I am pretty sure they would be outraged if their parents expected their workplaces to get involved.

There is such a thing as pastoral care. He is more vulnerable than other young adults because he is autistic.

And what do you think the "pastoral care" will involve if he says he is fine, is communicating with the university and going to lectures?

nooooname · 22/01/2025 14:08

I think @AnonymousBleep has given some excellent advice, I would follow this.

Original poster
crochetedcat · 22/01/2025 14:08

Inapickleiam · 22/01/2025 13:34

My son is also part of this cult at Uni OP. It's very distressing and I feel for you.

I have chosen the 'neither confirm nor deny' strategy. I call him love or sweetie or something and avoid using his name (just can't use his 'new' name), DH calls him his old name still. I have reassured him that I love him and will always be there for him but that we find it difficult. We don't really talk about it now. Previously I had expressed my strong GC views, we keep away from any such subjects now. I also find it insulting that they portray a female stereotype. I just pray he won't take any medication and will get bored of it.

I wouldn't cut him off financially. You want him to do his degree and show continued support.

I'm still hoping we come out the other side unscathed. It's been about 18m for us now.

Uni won't be interested, they just change the name per the student's request and get on with it, it is rife!

It's very, very difficult. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you - this is really similar to how I feel and have acted and it feels very reassuring. I too have been using love or sweetie as I always have. I do find using the new name distressing. Maybe if he'd chosen something more of his era I'd find easier but it feels like I'm calling upstairs to someone who isn't the child I've known for 18 years. I really hope you (and us) come out that other side unscathed.

OP posts:
GoldVermillion · 22/01/2025 14:05

murasaki · 22/01/2025 13:55

The attention economy point up thread was very interesting. Whether it's this, only fans, tiktok, whatever, they need to feel special and validated by audiences, even if they don't know them. I find it most odd. And damaging.

Can I just say, this is not my experience or that of my friends whose autistic children have declared trans identities, of which there are sadly quite a few. Our kids are not seeking attention. They are seeking an answer as to why they don't feel like they fit in. My adult young person has zero interest in rainbow parades or any fuss being made. What he would ideally like is to slip through life being quietly perceived as female, because that is genuinely and honestly what he believes of himself.

I do believe he believes he is female.
I cannot unfortunately suspend my disbelief because I know that he is male. But I also know that it's so bloody easy to sit and pontificate about things that haven't actually happened and the way you would handle them. Faced with the reality of an adult male child wanting to use a female name and wear "female" clothing and alter their voice, what precisely can one do? Without destroying the relationship?