Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

717 replies

crochetedcat · 22/01/2025 09:00

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
teawamutu · 27/01/2025 11:41

NotAtMyAge · 27/01/2025 11:39

You do realise that the vast majority of trans-identified men retain their male genitalia and have no intention of ever having surgery? Quite a lot don't even take hormones, or discontinue them after a time. The fully-transitioned are a small minority. The GRA doesn't demand full medical transition for the issue of a GRC.

Show quote history

Or indeed any physical transition at all.

NotAtMyAge · 27/01/2025 11:39

ChicLilacSeal · 27/01/2025 01:21

I think you're being a bit disingenuous there. You know what I mean: to transition as far as is possible, that is socially, medically (hormones) and surgery. Of course no man can become the same as a biological woman. But they can live as women and get rid of the genitalia that makes them so uncomfortable, and present as women, and are often much happier after their transition. Same the other way round. (I mean when women transition to male.)

Edited
Show quote history

You do realise that the vast majority of trans-identified men retain their male genitalia and have no intention of ever having surgery? Quite a lot don't even take hormones, or discontinue them after a time. The fully-transitioned are a small minority. The GRA doesn't demand full medical transition for the issue of a GRC.

Sortumn · 27/01/2025 11:18

ChicLilacSeal · 27/01/2025 01:17

I already answered this point. Hard of thinking? Well, equally, for the hard of reading, I said a few posts back that Vivienne received a barrage of online abuse just after they were on TV wearing a dress and makeup. This is very similar to the trans experience, and to most people watching, she will have looked like a trans person. She was abused BECAUSE she was dressed like a woman. The vast majority of the general public will make no distinction between a drag person and a trans person. The abuse that Vivienne received was the same as trans women receive when they also dress as women.

Show quote history

I dont know any women that dress like drag queens? Drag queens parody women for 'entertainment'.

Some of us find it insulting, some think it's incredibly clever and creative.
I'm not a fan and it used to be fairly easy to steer clear of that art form - since it was mainly a feature of gay bars, but now it's almost impossible.

BettyBooper · 27/01/2025 01:30

DontPushMeCos · 26/01/2025 22:25

I don’t have time because I need to complete my training as a therapist , not because I can’t be arsed- it’s half 10 at night and I have a small son. The trans person in my life is a successful academic in a body science and had a sex change in the 90’s I’m not sure they need my help with much x

That is up there with the worst excuses I've heard. Not least because as a therapist it is your absolute responsibility to understand this and not to pass on utter claptrap to vulnerable people.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 27/01/2025 01:27

But they can live as women

No, they can't.

BettyBooper · 27/01/2025 01:22

ChicLilacSeal · 27/01/2025 01:17

I already answered this point. Hard of thinking? Well, equally, for the hard of reading, I said a few posts back that Vivienne received a barrage of online abuse just after they were on TV wearing a dress and makeup. This is very similar to the trans experience, and to most people watching, she will have looked like a trans person. She was abused BECAUSE she was dressed like a woman. The vast majority of the general public will make no distinction between a drag person and a trans person. The abuse that Vivienne received was the same as trans women receive when they also dress as women.

Show quote history

Literally noone on this thread has expressed opposition to gender non-conformity. The people who you are arguing against don't like gender stereotypes! All they are saying is that people can't change sex. Which is a scientific fact.

ChicLilacSeal · 27/01/2025 01:21

RapidOnsetGenderCritic · 26/01/2025 23:24

But "their reality" isn't reality! They can't feel better as the opposite sex because it isn't possible to be the opposite sex.

Show quote history

I think you're being a bit disingenuous there. You know what I mean: to transition as far as is possible, that is socially, medically (hormones) and surgery. Of course no man can become the same as a biological woman. But they can live as women and get rid of the genitalia that makes them so uncomfortable, and present as women, and are often much happier after their transition. Same the other way round. (I mean when women transition to male.)

ChicLilacSeal · 27/01/2025 01:17

murasaki · 26/01/2025 21:49

The coherent point ship sailed some time ago. Well no, it never left the harbour.

Show quote history

I already answered this point. Hard of thinking? Well, equally, for the hard of reading, I said a few posts back that Vivienne received a barrage of online abuse just after they were on TV wearing a dress and makeup. This is very similar to the trans experience, and to most people watching, she will have looked like a trans person. She was abused BECAUSE she was dressed like a woman. The vast majority of the general public will make no distinction between a drag person and a trans person. The abuse that Vivienne received was the same as trans women receive when they also dress as women.

RapidOnsetGenderCritic · 26/01/2025 23:52

Littleblackcatsmum · 26/01/2025 12:18

That sounds tough. As much as you're trying to be supportive from their point of view they will be able to tell you're uncomfortable. The clue is you refer to them as him, you probably looked uncomfortable about the make up etc... I'm not saying that's right or wrong but they can probably tell you don't accept it even if you've tried.

I think all you can do is continue as you are. Send occasional messages it would be lovely to hear from you. Use their new name etc... Maybe read up on what you can do.

It sounds like you've generally been kind parents and in time they'll most likely realise and appreciate this and reply.

Using their new name is very unlikely to be enough. You also have to use the pronouns they want, and then that may well not be enough, you have to tell them how delighted you are with their changing appearance, and then when they mention that they are considering hormone treatment you are supposed to support this too. What you thought was a good relationship, mutually respectful and appreciated, rock solid, doesn't stand up to the demands of the cult.

If that sounds bitter, it's because it is.

RapidOnsetGenderCritic · 26/01/2025 23:24

ChicLilacSeal · 26/01/2025 10:42

But if a young adult says they are trans, and really means it, and has felt like it for a long time, and finally feels "right" when they live as the opposite sex, isn't it pretty horrible to deny their reality? (Their reality being that they feel better as the opposite sex.)

Show quote history

But "their reality" isn't reality! They can't feel better as the opposite sex because it isn't possible to be the opposite sex.

RedToothBrush · 26/01/2025 23:17

Ereshkigalangcleg · 26/01/2025 22:43

by saying this is too nuanced for mumsnet

Is it now.

We've been accused of either too stupid to understand or over intellectualised the subject.

At the same time. On the same thread.

By people who freely admits to having a 'dog ate my homework' approach to the subject.

When we say that emotional blackmail and coercion to get us to comply with demanded behaviour is a problem and harming all concerned, what happens? We get a bunch of emotional blackmail and coercion berating us. Not an examination of that type of rhetoric and how it holds everyone hostage.

Parents are genuinely damned by this dynamic.

Interesting to see how overlooked and ignored it is, by people claiming to want the best, but somehow managing to centre themselves rather the parent or the trans identifying young person.

The attempts to virtue signal really and the attempts to characterise MN and the women on it as ill informed are just plain misogynistic in how they are verbalised.

Women don't matter. We get It. The only person that matters isnt even the trans person. It's the poster who wants to demonstrate how they are behaving correctly and know more than everyone else because they've done their relevant training session and are now experts in telling off others.

The superficiality and prioritisation of appearances really is interesting and reflective of Instaworld were not is real.

Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
It's getting hard to be someone, but it all works out
It doesn't matter much to me

I wish I lived in Instaworld.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 26/01/2025 22:43

by saying this is too nuanced for mumsnet

Is it now.

murasaki · 26/01/2025 22:37

I'm not sure therapy is the best career path for you given your ability to dive right in with incorrect information.

RedToothBrush · 26/01/2025 22:33

DontPushMeCos · 26/01/2025 22:25

I don’t have time because I need to complete my training as a therapist , not because I can’t be arsed- it’s half 10 at night and I have a small son. The trans person in my life is a successful academic in a body science and had a sex change in the 90’s I’m not sure they need my help with much x

So busy you found the time to post how many times protesting you have no time?

...out of experience of dealing with volunteers and busy people I am well aware that the excuse of 'ive got no time' just means you actually have different priorities.

If it was a priority, you'd find the time.

DontPushMeCos · 26/01/2025 22:29

Thanks people for alerting me to the wrong suicide statistic - I tried to delete that post but couldn’t . This is definitely part of the problem. My sincerest apologies and to have added fuel to the fire. I’m wishing everyone on here the very best and especially op and family xx

DontPushMeCos · 26/01/2025 22:25

I don’t have time because I need to complete my training as a therapist , not because I can’t be arsed- it’s half 10 at night and I have a small son. The trans person in my life is a successful academic in a body science and had a sex change in the 90’s I’m not sure they need my help with much x

RedToothBrush · 26/01/2025 22:21

DontPushMeCos · 26/01/2025 22:13

I wish I had more time but I just don’t. I’m really sorry I was wrong about the suicide rates- I meant to say attempts. I REALLY don’t want to spread misinformation- my point is This conversation is so feisty and spicy because it’s a minefield without precedent no one has the answer for every case. I have someone in my life who I care about who is trans. I am deeply concerned about trend in young people mixing up people’s behaviour with their intent (my work is in therapy and career with young people) I have seen transphobic comments on mumsnet. I am worried that the relationship between this young person and their mum is going in a bad direction and that rather than talking through all the details with a trained therapist who has time to shift through all the ins and outs - people on here will convince her that she should show her true feelings such as ‘insulted’ I don’t want this to end badly for her or her child - sorry I don’t have time to chat more x

You'd do well to read the thread.

You might learn something to help the person in your life who is trans. And to free yourself from the emotional blackmail in the process.

I tire of all those who claim to be so concerned but can't really be arsed when it comes down to it ...

...it's easier to just do as you are told.

DontPushMeCos · 26/01/2025 22:20

Omg! This is the only time I’ve been called sinister in my life. Omg I had no idea things could get so lost in translation. This is an emerging massive problem in a whole new arena in problems with young people. I genuinely wanted to help not by scaring the mum to death but by saying this is too nuanced for mumsnet. And not to match her teens poor and alienating behaviour I’m worried for this mum and her teen- the honest truth is I don’t have time to think wordings through. Will delete my account now (realised I’m just too busy and if my advice isn’t helping then it’s pointless!) x

RapidOnsetGenderCritic · 26/01/2025 22:20

ChicLilacSeal · 26/01/2025 10:18

I find your longer posts pretty complex. Maybe I just don't have the brainpower for them.

Edit: To put another way, I don't have the same need to intellectualise the issue as you seem to, because to me it's quite simple: Kindness, understanding, and rights for everyone. Trans people have rights but so do other people. Trans people should live free of discrimination but equally should understand that playing women's sports if born male is not fair.

Edited
Show quote history

What RedToothBrush's posts illustrate is the damage that transition [often? always?] does to family members. RTB is speaking with long experience of this from the perspective of a sibling, and with really in depth analysis of what has happened in her family and often applies much more widely. As a parent I find her insights immensely valuable, and I fully understand her need to "intellectualise the issue".

Kindness is fine except that it is defined and demanded by trans activists who think it only applies one way, and who do not allow truth to get a word in edgeways. Understanding appears to mean kindness, as it is in my experience impossible to understand trans thinking, which is not based on rationality and is contradictory. Rights for everyone - yes please. When trans activists accept women rights we will have moved a long way towards mutual acceptance.

Lovelyview · 26/01/2025 22:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

DontPushMeCos · 26/01/2025 22:13

I wish I had more time but I just don’t. I’m really sorry I was wrong about the suicide rates- I meant to say attempts. I REALLY don’t want to spread misinformation- my point is This conversation is so feisty and spicy because it’s a minefield without precedent no one has the answer for every case. I have someone in my life who I care about who is trans. I am deeply concerned about trend in young people mixing up people’s behaviour with their intent (my work is in therapy and career with young people) I have seen transphobic comments on mumsnet. I am worried that the relationship between this young person and their mum is going in a bad direction and that rather than talking through all the details with a trained therapist who has time to shift through all the ins and outs - people on here will convince her that she should show her true feelings such as ‘insulted’ I don’t want this to end badly for her or her child - sorry I don’t have time to chat more x

Ereshkigalangcleg · 26/01/2025 22:03

More than one poster.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 26/01/2025 22:02

I agree.

UrsulasHerbBag · 26/01/2025 22:02

I am horrified someone has come along to a mother’s thread asking for help to support her child and not once demonstrated any contempt for that child and then proceeded to threaten her that her child might commit suicide. It’s sinister and wrong.