Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

honestly? I’d cut them off. Of course I’d support a trans/ lgbt child, that’s really not the issue. The issue is the disrespect towards someone who is paying for their lifestyle. It’s your money that pays for rent, phone, new clothes and makeup. Absolutely not.
id send them a message “whether your my son or daughter I’ll support you no matter what, but your lack of respect towards me, the person paying to fund your lifestyle, isn’t fair or right. I need you to keep up frequent contact. If you don’t reply to this message by 1/23/4567 I will be cutting off financial support”.

Suicide rates in trans youth are so high because of the lack of support.

How high do you think is ‘so high’? Suicide rates are no higher for ‘trans youth’ than for other young people with the same comorbidities.

However, they do shoot up after transition as affirming a delusion embeds the underlying untreated mental illhealth.

Friends tried this after they 'got it wrong' by treating it like it wasn't a big deal.

They were berated for that too.

I wonder if your non-reactions felt, to him, as if you were ignoring this huge change in his life. Maybe it wasn't enough to continue with normal relations. Perhaps he wanted you to embrace the change. Ask his new pronouns, what plans he might have for any treatment, offer to take him shopping for new clothes and offer help with makeup etc. I'm sure this would have been pretty hard for you, but maybe he was hoping for more of a positive reaction than a business-as-usual reaction. From his perspective, I can see how it came across that you just ignored his news, even though I can also see that you had good intentions by continuing to relate to him as closely as ever, and not being negative about it.

I think if you want him in your life, you're going to have to embrace his new identity and be really positive about it, and help him with his new life per the suggestions above, and suchlike. This will probably be majorly uncomfortable for you, and I sympathise, but you might grow through the experience - and grow closer than ever to him, too.

When all is said and done, your child is still your child, and you just want them to be healthy and happy, no matter what their gender is.

I suggest you read what the OP actually described as her reaction.

so many posters either never read the OP's posts or have dismal comprehension skills.

Coming from parent of ASD young adult.

There’s the constant ASD noise going in his head all the time. From what I see of my persons “introspection and learning how to be”:

1. seeing others outward behavior and rejecting what they are doing
2. seeing others outward behavior others and trying to model a behavior-May adopt it
3. just rejecting everything and doing the one thing that feels “not anxiety/ bad” or just comfortable. Crocs, certain types of clothing, certain foods. Cut out what causes unease & anxiety.

A. Some behaviors seem to be deliberate repellers. I do this and people don’t get in my face. (Avoid social engagement). Spent all that time on social stories, communication groups, but really he doesn’t want to be in the group “getting along”.

B. Given all of the above: can being trans, goth, Jedi be a way to cope with “I’m not that - so I’m this”. Everyone in my group, is alone in this and we have an excuse for the isolation that we desire. You can’t transition to goth, or Jedi - not on a journey of transformation anyway. It takes years and years to get to the full trans so it keeps you mentally busy with your long term plan. So busy with your plan, can ignore rest of things that used to make you feel different. Can cut out anyone or anything that makes you anxious and can battle “discrimination” and lack of acceptance all day long because it makes sense.

just a thought

There’s no named cult - that’s not what posters mean by cult 😂 people just mean that it’s ’cult like’, that uni can be a breeding ground for students to have an excessive devotion to certain belief systems. It can be ‘common’ for a student to fall into an echo chamber of people telling them to cut off their abusive, unsupportive parents. These other students have no true grasp of the ramifications of estrangement and what it means to truly be alone in the world with no emotional or financial support from parents. OP’s son has only just met these people, his family network have known him for 18 years.

OP I think your response is measured and I would hold strong. The uni years are full of drama.

Don’t feed into the drama OP

He wants to cause you upset and have you chasing after him.

Say you’ll always be here for him and the door is always open but you respect his wishes and leave it at that. Don’t contact him again.

He will come round….probably when he needs money.

Suicide rates in trans youth are so high because of the lack of support.

correlation does not equal causation. You could equally argue that suicide rates are higher in trans youths because they’re mentally unwell.

OP, I would be so cross with his entitled attitude that I would want to cut the money off. How dare he thinks he can cut you off but still take your money. But you’re probably right and the best way of trying to salvage a relationship with him is to carry on paying. Will be interesting to see where he intends to spend the summer.

dd did something similar in her last year at uni although not trans related. She was living at home and commuting to uni and just disappeared and pretty much cut contact and wouldn’t explain why. I did not pester her with loads of messages. Just told her I hoped she was well, that we loved her and she was always welcome back. And then left it. She came back home at the end of year 3 as had nowhere else to go. She’s still at home two years later and our relationship is actually quite good.

You need to allow her to cut herself off. I think you should explain what you're doing so it's not a surprise, but the basic message would be

• Sorry you feel we're not supportive. I'd like to know why so I can work on that.
• Your funding will stop.
• Please arrange collection of any property you wish to keep that is still in the family home, otherwise it will be disposed of at the end of the month.
• If you change your mind in future, please get in touch.

Exactly what I was going to say.

I think you’re handling this very well, OP, and I agree that you shouldn’t cut him off financially during university.

The summer will be a decisive time, as what will he do if he doesn’t want to come home at all? I have a feeling that he will come home.

Sorry you are going through this, OP. I think you have handled it as well as you can.

I agree with not cutting him off financially. I can understand the arguments for cutting him off. But I think it's like you said, that he has not thought it through. He is still young and, it seems, very vulnerable to manipulation. Cutting him off financially would just feed into the narrative he has likely been fed since he arrived at university. It would make a future reconciliation much harder.

There appears to be a link between individuals with autism and those who are susceptible to the trans-cult. I also believe that he expected a fan-fair the times he came home. I think it's good you didn't though, that would just have reinforced his believes. I also think that when he didn't get any special attention, that it must have reinforced the believe that you are embarrassed. It's a very black and white way of thinking. Only one type of response to someone announcing they are "trans" is considered "accepting" and "supportive".

With regard to communication, I would just back off for now. Keep the lines open. Communicate if he contacts you, but don't contact him first for now.

You have my sympathies. This must hurt. But he is young and immature. I think he will grow out of it and perhaps even cringe at his behavior in the future.

I would, however, not support him financially beyond his education. Just honor your promise to him, but don't make any more promises if he stays estranged from you, although I have good hopes that he'll come to his senses when he get a bit more mature.

I didn’t say @crochetedcat s child was having a mental health crisis, I evidenced my assertion that university could help by sharing our experience of getting help for an adult at university. Adults often need help. There is no reason concerned friends or family shouldn’t expect a university to check if a student or member of staff is ok and offer support if appropriate.

I’m so sorry, your son has been captured by a cult. Speak to the university (although they’re likely to support the cult do word it along lines of very sudden change in personality and distancing himself from family and friends and you’re worried whether he is safe.).

Drive up and see him. Explain you will always love him and suggest you talk.

if he keeps rejecting you tell him you can no longer support anyone financially who doesn’t want to be part of the family.

I've read posts where people are suggesting he is a member of a cult. I think people would be interested to know what cult this is. There will be vulnerable students who's parents would like to know what's going on.

When I was at uni I got a knock on the door when living in the halls. Long story short my friends & I ended up going to a flat where we were presented with a beautiful meal. The hosts were so inviting & charismatic we were all doe eyed. At the end of the meal I looked at the huge picture on the wall. It was the leader of the cult. We suddenly realised who these people were & made our excuses & ran for the hills. I heard there were students who fell into the trap,stopped contacting their parents & left uni to join them. It's horrifying.

I don´t agree with you entirely. The old religion has been discarded and long live the new religion. It has always been like that and it always will be like that. Just without churches and priests.

@crochetedcat you sound like you are doing all the right things. You can only come at this with compassion and love. Personally I wouldn't cut finances off, but as you approach each holiday ask if they are planning on coming home, and as you near the end of the academic year ask what their plans are so you can budget. They have to at least engage with you on finances. But after graduation I would be firmly anticipating them being independent and starting to make noises about this ahead of time.

In the meantime, just leave the door open and keep checking in. Our trans relative has osicllated a lot - it is a huge decision and a really tough one to navigate and I don't think people realise this until they are part way through the process.

I'm normally in favour of tough love but at the moment your child is deeply confused and needs to feel the love - so dont cut off the money yet, or the phone. You want him to get through his degree and have the means to support himself in future and you dont want to feed the narrative that you've rejected him. Keep sending messages, even if they are just pictures of the dog. If he doesnt come home for the summer then you can think again. Fill out his student finance forms but dont necessarily pay anything more than your parental contribution.

I think this is good advice.

"Your child needs you most when you like them least" - this mantra, picked up from someone on mumsnet, got me through some of the more difficult parenting moments.

I'm normally in favour of tough love but at the moment your child is deeply confused and needs to feel the love - so dont cut off the money yet, or the phone. You want him to get through his degree and have the means to support himself in future and you dont want to feed the narrative that you've rejected him. Keep sending messages, even if they are just pictures of the dog. If he doesnt come home for the summer then you can think again. Fill out his student finance forms but dont necessarily pay anything more than your parental contribution.

My young autistic relative declared they were trans before uni and went off to start their life there presenting as the opposite sex. I doubt they deceived anyone. Unfortunately their immediate family went along the affirmation rainbow route. Their health, and the health of their (same sex) trans partner has been badly affected but the family support at the time has probably made it more difficult for them to admit to having been fooled.

Try to keep the door open for them to come back. The cult is increasingly being revealed for what it is and younger people are now seeing it as attention seeking bullshit. Give him time and space.

I would reply with #2ok, love you, we will always be your parents and you are always welcome in our home" Then stop the money other than the phone contract. He/she has to learn, if he can manage to go off to uni he can understand that there are consequences to his actions and words. Time to let him learn.

What do you mean by "check in with him"? They might contact him and ask if he is okay but if he says he is and he is going to lectures etc what do you think they would do?

I'm not sure why you're so angry about posters having the temerity to make suggestions. It might make him feel like he has support, or alternatively it might backfire. It's a very difficult situation, so there's not really an easy path to take.

What do you think she should do?

A lot of young people question ideas about gender. I know that I did. I hated being forced to fit into feminine stereotypes. Still do. If it had been available to me I think I would have like to be called they/them in those days. It just makes sense to a lot of young people.

While I have so many questions and criticisms about people who call themselves female after living most of their lives as men and really dislike women-only spaces being intruded upon; while I also recognise that it must be devastating to be told that a chid you gave birth to has decided they are another gender, I nevertheless find it so disrespectful that their wish to be called she/her or they/them is not respected. We don't have to agree with someone to afford them the common courtesy of using the pronouns they wish to be known by.

I just came here to say you sound like an amazing mum and I hope with every fibre of my being that this dangerous mania passes soon - for you and for your vulnerable son and for everyone else affected. It's almost my worst nightmare as a mum. I felt a lump in my throat when I read your bit about 'the name we gave him and lovingly called him for 17 years.' I can feel the emotion in your words and it's exactly, EXACTLY how I would feel. Sending love and strength. It's going to be hard for a bit but I think you sound like you've been the best parent and he will come back to you xxx

18 year olds can be awfully dramatic whilst still being too immature to recognise the impact their drama has on others.
Your DC is probably just experimenting with a vibe that others are showing: unsupportive family, setting boundaries, standing up for their authentic self etc. and all of those things can be hugely positive in the right circumstances, but it sounds like your DC already has a loving, supportive family and doesn't need the angst they are drumming up.
Try not to worry too much about the no contact as if you have been as kind as you say, and I am sure you have, it will likely end as quickly as it started. Teenagers are a pain!