Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

Are all these communications being conducted over WhatsApp?

There needs to be a real verbal conversation with him.

I've heard the same story over and over again of a boy who goes to university, is autistic and then messages one day to declare that he is a transwomen etc.

There are always other people influencing the teenagers at university, and they can be the ones behind the messages and at the very least the phone and messages are given as evidence to the other parties.

@SapphireSeptember and theflyinghorse
The breastfeeding point is interesting. My trans dc used that case of the breastfeeding man as proof that it is possible to change sex. I explained all the points well known on FWR board (safety, baby first, consent). Led to a heated discussion with no conclusion.
The repetition of this point in different trans young people suggests it's a key item in the cult brainwashing kit.
This DC is now NC with us too. How many of us are there out there?

I think it just highlights a point - he hasn't got a healthy mentality going on here.

That's not your fault. You should continue to behave in a way that is healthy.

The fact he is autistic is irrelevant to healthy behaviours. If anything you should make sure you are behaving in a healthy manner, more rather than merely bending over backwards to accommodate his desires.

He's still in the bubble of university. He won't be for long and this pattern of behaviour will not serve him well in the long run.

It will alienate friends long term as demands are not achievable.

That's the problem he knows she's being awkward and asking awkward questions about his feelings. That's why he's ignoring her texts. There are a lot of late teens who are emotionally illiterate, and can't share their feelings. I would be more worried about him being attacked. He's 6'3, muscly with stumble and make up, some fucker is going to want to start on him. That's the conversation I would be having. Is he confused about his sexuality, that's another question. He's not 100% sure about what he's doing, he is trying to transfer how he feels on to the op. He's embarrassed and the op needs to have a conversation with him face to face. It's his life not hers, he's an adult now.

You should not expect others to behave in a certain way to meet your desires.

It's controlling and grossly unhealthy.

Not only that but telling someone that you should now 'treat them as a woman' is hideously offensive and should not be pandered to. Regardless of whether this upsets someone.

Indifference is the correct response if we go by the idea that sex doesn't matter and "they are still the same person on the inside".

The point is that the "still the same person on the inside" line is really a crock of shit to anyone who has a family member who transitions and it comes as a shock to them and those close to them when it is accompanied by demands and unrealistic expectations as it often is.

Oh! That's made me cross too. I hate this nonsense about men 'breastfeeding' via drug induced lactation. Meanwhile mothers who are pregnant and/or breastfeeding have to be so careful about medication, what we eat and drink, etc. When I was pregnant with DS I couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone about antihistamines so looked it up and found there was one I could take according to the NHS website.

What do they think those drugs are doing to the baby? (They don't know, nor do they care.) And why do they think there are transpeople who are against it as well? (They don't count, they're the wrong kind of trans, etc.)

he needs emotional support and you're talking about the dog with him.

Nearly every parent I know (and my kids are now young adults) used the dog or family pet as a way to communicate with their children once they headed off to university. One university parent orientation session I sat in on recommended it. You send a picture of the dog being cute you are far more likely to get a response than sending a "how are you" text.

Op is doing nothing wrong in talking about the dog (that dog will be invaluable in maintaining contact) and she has already described how she tried to talk about emotions/feelings etc with her son but he didn't want to.

"This is partly (mainly?) because he is 6 ft 3, has stubble, is muscly. He presents very much as a man."

This is aimed at you he knows how you feel. If the above is what you see then he sees the same person when he looks in the mirror. He's up there trying to fit in and he knows what he looks like. I think it's a cry for help he needs emotional support and you're talking about the dog with him. Leaving home and living alone is huge for any young adult. You need to ask yourself is he ready for university? Or
Would it be better if he goes to a uni closer to home?

So sorry for you in such a difficult situation.

I would hold off paying his bills. Let him get some payment reminders. He will probably contact you then.

When he does I’d explain that you love him and have supported him his whole life and would love to continue to do so but since he cut you off you thought he didn’t want your support any more.

Ball in his court because nobody should treat parents so badly but still stick a hand out for money.

I wonder if your non-reactions felt, to him, as if you were ignoring this huge change in his life

Why would it be a huge change for anyone?. If he were trans then his parents would already know. He would have displayed some clue growing up.

Indeed. A friend of mine was a rent boy at uni to self fund. I am always conscious that people make all kinds of choices that are not in their best interests when backed into a corner.

@Snugglemonkey Yes, plus what will her son do for money if she cuts him off? This sounds dramatic, but he could even get himself into dangerous situations if he’s desperate for money.

Maybe the OP's acceptance/carrying on as normal was the opposite of what her son wanted. Maybe he wanted to be talked out of it? He was probably told to expect a lot of push back from family, and sees the fact that they didn't as evidence that they don't care and are therefore unsupportive.
Thinking of you OP, it sounds very difficult.

I agree here. Taking a hard-line stance and making money dependent on contact is dangerous. It feeds into a narrative that you ate controlling op. You cannot allow that. I do not think this is the time for being confrontational. Just keep being there.

When all is said and done, your child is still your child, and you just want them to be healthy and happy, no matter what their gender is.

Who says? I want far more for my child than this and “gender” has never come into my hopes or dreams for them.

In that case your description is indeed describing a cult I've since read people mentioning a trans cult ie enforcing their beliefs on vulnerable young people who adopt their views in order to be part of a group. If they encourage them to go no contact with their parents & live by their teachings alone then again that is indeed a cult lifestyle which is no 😂matter.

I believe people such as trans people have every right to live as they please. They deserve to be respected & accepted for their differences,without influencing vulnerable others who may be going along with the idea for the wrong reasons as is possibly the case with OPs son.

I think he's picked up on how you honestly feel, regardless of how you acted in front of him.
There's a perception that people with autism aren't empathetic or emotional.

As my autistic dd has gotten older she's more abe to tell me when she knows exactly what I'm thinking, even when I'm denying it to myself.

At the time it seemed like her emotional range was impaired, dimmed, but actually it was her ability to communicate that was dimmed.

If you want to repair your relationship you need to be completely honest with yourself, and then with your child.

Don't be hurtful, they already know you feel uncomfortable, you don't like their name and you're shocked and worried. But admit to them it's hard for you but you love them and you want to try.

I would go to the university and see him in person. I would stake out his halls if he didn’t respond to my request for a meeting. I would probably pay until the end of the year and see what happens in the summer. Presumably he would have to leave halls then?

Suicide rates in trans youth are so high because of the lack of support.

Yes support for people who identify as trans has NEVER been higher. Being trans has NEVER been more accepted and it's NEVER been more high profile than it is now. How do you explain that? What happened to trans youth in the past, when barely any of us understood what it was to be trans, let alone be able to go into any large town or small city centre and spot several people who appeared to be trans or non-binary by the way they present, in just one trip?

Where were all the suicides then? In fact where were all the trans people, come to that?

You could almost be forgiven for thinking that they were mentally healthier when forced to be in the closet. Or perhaps they just didn't exist in such numbers in the first place.

The situation is incredibly complicated and nuanced but whatever else, the one thing I would not remove is the phone.

When all is said and done, your child is still your child, and you just want them to be healthy and happy, no matter what their gender is.

Which is why they wouldn’t want him taking hormones and having surgeries that will cause significant harm to his body, making him a lifelong patient and lead to increased suicide risk. What is needed to be happy and healthy is therapy, and not by a therapist who thinks it is their role to affirm someone’s identity.