Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

Hello everyone, I thought I'd share my updates on my situation with you here.

He's going to move out! A very sensible mutual friend got in contact with me after he'd been confiding in her, and after hearing my side of things, I think she must have given him a right talking to, because his attitude has changed quite a bit.

So now, he's talking seriously about moving out and selling the house. However, I'm determined to keep the house, so have contacted our mortgage broker to discuss buying him out. After a short post on the mumsnet housing board which received a couple of positive responses, it looks like I may be able to do it. I definitely need the broker to confirm it though, hopefully he can set up a meeting soon.

The ex has also been trying to tidy his room today, cue lots of noise and grumbling. He's also still wearing the godawful clothes, but if he's leaving soon, I can will myself to put up with it until he's gone.

I also reconnected with an old work colleague yesterday and we indulged in what is best described as a day long bitch fest! She's totally supportive, as is her no nonsense husband, so at least a few good people have my back. I'm feeling a lot better today.

It's all part of the blind excitement of Project Me. My ex posted online in ways which shocked and upset his children, made changes at his own pace entirely against our agreement, and never properly talked to them despite working in a profession where he purported to understand the needs of young people. The oblivion and blindness is fairly blanket. Nobody else matters, their supporters will tell them everyone will be fine (and if they are not they are to be discarded and disregarded) and the priority is their pursuit of their true authentic self. This is almost, shockingly, not personal. Because nobody around them matters at all. I can't think of an equivalent experience that so detaches people from their former bonds and responsibilities.

Sadly they think the children would be ok and still go about pursuing their choosen path. They also want the rights of being a Mother from us and applied to them. It is so unfair and hurting.

As shocked and disgruntled as you may feel, the website they use offers no other consideration than they have the right! to total support. They are urged to cut off family who cannot totally support ( which may suit you nicely) but supportive family eventually wind up as anyone to be discarded when you are less useful than their current needs. Put simply, they support each other in their tunnel vision progress.
As you can see, this does not leave much opportunity for meaningful discussion. Their needs come before a child's for example. With this knowledge you may decide to be equally focussed on what you need. Sad, grieving but focussed.

Yes, very much so. I do recognise it as futile, but it's still living in my head. I'll get through this, as will the rest of us. Stay strong!

Well, I managed to find a friend to talk to earlier today, so that has made me feel a bit better. I'm still seething with white hot rage inside but I'm hoping that passes soon. He's gone down the pub (dressed in men's clothing, it's only me who gets to see the lacey tops and bras, of course!).

I'm finding myself retracting from interacting with him; after getting home from the gym earlier today, I barely spoke to him, I struggled to stay civil. I wanted to ask what the hell he thought all this was doing to me, but I didn't because I doubt he'd be able to frame an answer that wasn't ultimately about himself. I think I'm going to withdraw further including fewer shared meals, things like that. He's determined to just carry on with joint cooking, grocery shopping (done by me, of course, because he doesn't drive). I'd rather do a lot less together now.

Sorry for rambling!

If there is anything beyond awful its that. Still hope.that this is some.sort of a bad dream! But unfortunately it is not and I am trying to accept this harsh reality 😕

Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be able to buy again, but I'm working on my savings. Only got £5K so far. Plus, he'd fight me on who gets the cats!

I can't watch the film right now because everything's so raw.

You need to have a goal of selling your house or buying out your ex @Jaffapedigree Sharing the house will continue to cause you pain and he is currently involving you in his fetish by sitting around in negligees. Even if it's a year from now and you move to a tiny flat it will be better to be away from him. Have you watched the transwidows film Behind the Looking Glass? It might help you understand what's going on

Thank you, sadly no family at all. They were deeply abusive and toxic, so I had to cut them all out of my life over twenty years ago. Most of my friends wouldn't be that understanding, I don't think. But there is one who may.

I can also access confidential counselling via work; I've only just come back in a different role,from having a month off with stress! And now this!

We've also just remortgaged so the timing for his announcement couldn't have been worse!

I am so sorry to see that you are hurting so much. I hope you find a close friend/family member to talk to. I make sure world of difference to vent it all out to a person who understands you well. Lots of hugs xx

It's awful isn't it?

I have only told my very close friend and yes it will be extremely embarrassing for me when all find out what he wants to be. I am exactly the same about gossiping. I do not wish to be a centre of attention of people's gossip over drinks. Its been 7 months now and it is still very raw and i am struggling to cope mentally.

Also, I'm very firm in my ending the relationship. I can't be with him like this, it's one of the biggest passion killers for me. I'm swearing off relationships full stop for the foreseeable future, I need to sort myself out first.

Luckily, I have a decent civil service job and am saving like mad in case the worst happens and we have to sell the house.

Thank you. Right now, he's sitting at the other end of the sofa in some silk negligee and I'm still in jeans and a tee shirt. Why do they think we all dress like sex objects at all times?

He's also a bit of a hoarder and his stuff was all in the spare room that he's moved into, so now he's stressing that he's got to throw stuff away. The horror!

Living with him like this will be hard I know, but I'm shifting my perception of our relationship to housemates only; no more dealing with his family, no more lifts (I'm the only driver/car owned), and no more excessive emotional support. He's no longer my emotional responsibility. That's kind of freeing.

What a difficult situation for you. I assume you feel glad, and rock-solid in your decision to end the relationship which is positive. You know what you want/don't want. I don't know how you would be able to live alongside him through the coming escalation and celebration though. It would be unusual to be able to tolerate that.

Lean on the friends who are there for you. Talk to someone about your financial/housing/ work options when you have the headspace. Focus entirely on looking after your needs day to day. You will survive this and come out the other side but its really hard going at first.

And you will feel numb, angry, sad, embarrassed, all sorts of things not necessarily in a linear pattern.

I certainly felt really embarrassed and ashamed. I knew people were gossiping about us and some had a needlessly salacious interest ( the number of people who asked if he had had surgery yet blew my mind). It doesn't matter. He will be last week's news at some point and a lot of people will feel for you even if outwardly they toe the political line.

Hi all, I'm a long time lurker but I had to join up when I saw this thread.

My long term partner has come out as trans. Thankfully, we're not married and we don't have children, but we do own our house equally between us. I've ended the relationship because, well, I just can't be intimate with him anymore due to this. He's moved into the spare room.

He's now happily wearing skirts, bras, etc around the house. I'm trying to be amicable but right now I'm internally seething. It's all been very one sided, all about his wants and needs. Only a couple of our mutual friends have bothered to reach out to me to see how I'm doing.

Is it normal to also feel incredibly embarrassed about the dressing up? I find it very cringe inducing. He'll never pass and he's aware of it, and we live in a rather non progressive area so I don't think he'll be walking down the streets dressed up in skirts, etc.

I also feel that I can't tell any friends or work colleagues why we've split up, again embarrassment I guess, plus I don't want anyone gossiping about us.

I have no family at all. Almost all our mutual friends are TWAW types.

We can't afford to buy each other out of the house, and selling wouldn't give either of us enough money to buy again. I'm in my fifties, I love our house and can't see myself moving out, but neither can he so I'm stuck with a weird trans housemate ex. And no one to talk to who will understand my point of view.

I'm wondering if I'm going through the stages of grief, as I was numb from hus announcement up to niw (a couple of days). Plus, I ended the relationship.

Exactly why can't he just be dressing as a woman but not call himself mummy. He already ruined my pregnancy by having fantasies it was him walking around like a tit with his hand attached to his stomach. I think going forward I can't communicate unless I literally had to. It was working until my daughter was calling me dad. I don't want to end up disliking my child but it's upsetting to hear. Thanks for your message.
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Oh lovely I feel for you. I am dreadingbthat day to come in my life. We haven't told the kids anything yet. They are still in primary school. I have warned him not to create confusion by changing how they address him and he cannot CANNOT have my title and right of Mummy taken away from me. I think you should put your foot down and talk to his side of family. Gently explain it to your little one that you are her only Mummy and always has been it would make you happy if she continues to call only you as Mummy. Xxx I wish so much that these crazy men understand how much emotional and mental trauma they are putting us through. Lots of hugs lovely xx

Thank you that's a good idea to start keeping records as she calls me daddy sometimes which I find upsetting and only happens when she has been around him. I know it sounds bad but I just want my daughter to understand she has one dad and one mum not a dad who dresses as a woman and sees himself as mummy. I have been obsessed and lost many nights sleep over this and it was taking a dark turn then I kicked him out because I couldn't take it anymore. No matter how many times I've begged him to not do this he doesn't seem to care. Maybe men who do this including him don't realise the pain they are causing and how hurtful it is. I fear as long as I have to have even minimal contact with him i feel that I won't be able go get over it. I feel bad because yesterday my daughter called me daddy and I shout at her and i started to cry. It's not my daughters fault it's just all the upset from that nasty man. Because i will never ever see him as a women ever.

He does it because he will only be thinking about himself, not your child or you. It's so disrespectful and selfish. It sounds like you will have to have basic contact with him because of your child for now. It's hard for people around us to understand how devastating this is and how long it takes to in any way recover. He will be completely obsessed with himself and not care how you or your child feel. That seems to be a pattern most of us have seen, total self-obsession and poor parenting. My ex did a lot of frightening and confusing things and eventually my (older) kids voted with their feet and stopped seeing him. Down the line things will change for you but right now your priority is your health and sanity and keeping the rest of life normal and stable for your child. Keep a record of incidents (for example your child being upset or confused) and crucially focus on keeping your finances, life, friendships and routine intact. You are the decent parent and the stable rock. Lots of us saw our GP because this has such an impact on mood and sleep. It's disappointing that social care aren't currently interested in your child's confusion, so you will need to keep a log of anything concerning and go back to them as this unfolds. It must be very hard to see this happening and all the women on here who have been through this know how hard it is.