Page 5 | Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

TinselAngel · 2023-08-24T21:30:22+00:00

Welcome to thread 6. This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity" If you are in that position- 1. You are not alone 1. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate. 1. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason. Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon! The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhAlvw_kAHs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhAlvw_kAHs]] If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dH4XQ6Ie8O0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dH4XQ6Ie8O0]] Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

TheAngryLioness · 25/12/2025 16:47

Merry Christmas and upwards and onwards. We are strong and these are weak men. Well done on getting out of the toxic abusive relationship. The coming days will be lonely and difficult. But this too shall pass xxxx Happy New Year mate xx

Jaffapedigree · 25/12/2025 12:59

Thank you. Work hasn't been too bad, but it's always a grim place at the best of times.

ArthurbellaScott · 25/12/2025 10:31

Jaffapedigree · 25/12/2025 06:48

Well, he did move out and I've bought him out of the house. It's a very lonely Christmas day and I'm off to work, probably be shouted at in the toxic environment but hey ho, at least it's human company.

Happy Christmas, Jaffa. Wishing you a peaceful day.

socialworker222 · 25/12/2025 10:12

Jaffapedigree · 25/12/2025 06:48

Well, he did move out and I've bought him out of the house. It's a very lonely Christmas day and I'm off to work, probably be shouted at in the toxic environment but hey ho, at least it's human company.

Congratulations. Next year will be better surely. So glad you managed to buy him out. Hope today isn't too terrible.

BezMills · 25/12/2025 09:26

Jaffapedigree · 25/12/2025 06:48

Well, he did move out and I've bought him out of the house. It's a very lonely Christmas day and I'm off to work, probably be shouted at in the toxic environment but hey ho, at least it's human company.

Oof that sounds hard, bon courage

Jaffapedigree · 25/12/2025 06:48

Well, he did move out and I've bought him out of the house. It's a very lonely Christmas day and I'm off to work, probably be shouted at in the toxic environment but hey ho, at least it's human company.

socialworker222 · 25/12/2025 06:36

Wishing all transwidows and women new to, or living with these unwanted situations, a happy Christmas. I hope whatever your circumstances you have support and good things in your life today ❤️

Ereshkigalangcleg · 15/11/2025 17:41

Very sad to hear this @TinselAngel- RIP Jackie

Original poster

TinselAngel · 15/11/2025 15:09

I recently heard that my friend and fellow trans widow Jackie Mearns has died. She was a very brave woman.

This is her talk at a WPUK event:

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/jV2NP0paCZ8?si=qNB40DFSG94PwNWc

OP posts:

Original poster

TinselAngel · 11/09/2025 22:41

Poomie1975 · 10/09/2025 19:54

Hi.
Recommended to this thread.
I'm still living with my OH who I have talked about on another thread.
Basically I've put up with knowing he's been sexting other men and women. I have never felt so alone, rejected and unwanted.
I've got to the point where I'm ready to leave but struggling with where I'll go on my part time wage and a dog!
I feel tied to living with this loneliness, it's tough!

I think nowadays both kink and “gender” are used to excuse male behaviour and coercion that would be unacceptable otherwise.

It’s good that you have decided to end the relationship. What has to happen before you can move out? (Or get him to move out).

Do you mind if I link your thread on here?

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Poomie1975 · 10/09/2025 19:54

Hi.
Recommended to this thread.
I'm still living with my OH who I have talked about on another thread.
Basically I've put up with knowing he's been sexting other men and women. I have never felt so alone, rejected and unwanted.
I've got to the point where I'm ready to leave but struggling with where I'll go on my part time wage and a dog!
I feel tied to living with this loneliness, it's tough!

TheAngryLioness · 03/09/2025 23:41

You are allowed to grieve and yes it does hurt and feel that we have been living a lie. Its not your fault. Even if they have Dysphoria they HAVE a choice, if he loved you and cared for your feelings, he has a choice to be the man in your life, have therapy/support for his mental situation or run towards and ideology. But no he chose the other path. Thats what I keep telling myself. Its not my fault that I have separated and making my children live in 2 different homes. Its his fault it was HIS CHOICE which didn't leave me any other option but to leave. He choose his selfish attitude towards this ideology which he thinks will make him happy. And yes you are allowed to cry and grieve. I have been separated for 4 weeks now and I accidently found out 7 months ago, and it true like many have other women have said, the pain will lessen as the days pass and lessen the sooner we accept it. Lots of hugs and strength to you to get through this tough time and heart break xxxx

margaretatwoodslefteyebrow · 01/09/2025 16:44

InShock2025 · 31/08/2025 22:57

@TinselAngel They always end up by criticising us for “not loving the real them” but how is it our fault that they presented themselves as somebody else and that’s who we fell in love with?

Its not our fault, it's their's for lying, for manipulating and gaslighting and pretending to be someone they are not. They will never be accountable, or say sorry, and will always be a victim. The man I loved is gone. The man I loved was never real.

I never set out to get divorced, but he crossed such a fundamental boundary there was no recovery. While still reeling from that and getting over the heartache he goes and does this. What a nut-job. At one point I thought we could be friends after, how stupid was I!.

Your story is very similar to mine also. I really did try and hang on in there for the sake of the vows I made and keeping our family together. But finding this community made me realise that I had completely and utterly become little more than a supporting cast member to a main character who wasn't in the script I read when I took the role I signed up for. I recently was blessed to be told that (3 years post full coming out, over 2 years post divorce) he would still be married to me if I could've accepted him. All. My. Fault.

margaretatwoodslefteyebrow · 01/09/2025 16:09

https://open.substack.com/pub/louiseperry/p/the-experiences-of-trans-widows-ute?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=1v0f1d

My guests today are Ute Heggen and Emma Thomas, two women whose lives have been deeply impacted by the men in their lives choosing to transition. Ute runs the YouTube channel @UteHeggenTranswidowHeals, and has also authored a memoir titled 'In the Curated Woods.' Emma is founder of the campaign group Children of Transitioners.

Sharing for those interested from the Maiden Mother Matriarch substack/podcast.

The Experiences of Trans Widows - Ute Heggen & Emma Thomas | Maiden Mother Matriarch Episode 160

My guests today are Ute Heggen and Emma Thomas, two women whose lives have been deeply impacted by the men in their lives choosing to transition.

https://www.louiseperry.co.uk/p/the-experiences-of-trans-widows-ute?r=1v0f1d&triedRedirect=true

InShock2025 · 31/08/2025 22:57

@TinselAngel They always end up by criticising us for “not loving the real them” but how is it our fault that they presented themselves as somebody else and that’s who we fell in love with?

Its not our fault, it's their's for lying, for manipulating and gaslighting and pretending to be someone they are not. They will never be accountable, or say sorry, and will always be a victim. The man I loved is gone. The man I loved was never real.

I never set out to get divorced, but he crossed such a fundamental boundary there was no recovery. While still reeling from that and getting over the heartache he goes and does this. What a nut-job. At one point I thought we could be friends after, how stupid was I!.

Original poster

TinselAngel · 31/08/2025 22:36

InShock2025 · 31/08/2025 22:31

@TinselAngel you are so very right! That makes so much sense, why waste energy when I should be packing my belongings and being ready to move.

I just read this on another website, do you think it would be ok to cut and paste here? the passage is an excellent descriptor.

"He victimized himself by saying that I caused him to suppress his feminine side. He was hiding it because of me. Then over time, his story changed. It went from occasionally cross-dressing, to wanting to become a woman. He reminded me every day that he didn’t feel like he could truly be the woman he felt like on the inside because it was my fault for loving him as a man"

All those memories and life we built (it was ending anyway) but it was all a lie. That is how I feel at my core, lied to.

Thank you for listening

They always end up by criticising us for “not loving the real them” but how is it our fault that they presented themselves as somebody else and that’s who we fell in love with?

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InShock2025 · 31/08/2025 22:31

@TinselAngel you are so very right! That makes so much sense, why waste energy when I should be packing my belongings and being ready to move.

I just read this on another website, do you think it would be ok to cut and paste here? the passage is an excellent descriptor.

"He victimized himself by saying that I caused him to suppress his feminine side. He was hiding it because of me. Then over time, his story changed. It went from occasionally cross-dressing, to wanting to become a woman. He reminded me every day that he didn’t feel like he could truly be the woman he felt like on the inside because it was my fault for loving him as a man"

All those memories and life we built (it was ending anyway) but it was all a lie. That is how I feel at my core, lied to.

Thank you for listening

Original poster

TinselAngel · 31/08/2025 22:18

InShock2025 · 31/08/2025 22:12

@TinselAngel Marital home on the market, divorce should be done by end of the year.

No money to rent and pay the mortgage/bills so am stuck til house sells. No family nearby either. Just got to ride it out.

Is it ok to cry and be upset? To feel angry and betrayed? It's as if the blame has been turned 180, like it's my fault and I am in the wrong

Love reading and learning, is it worth my time trying to understand why?

I don’t think there’s much point n trying to understand why they do it. It’s just more of putting all your energy into them instead of yourself.

Yes of course it’s OK to cry. Whichever way you look at it you’ve been lied to, and you’re grieving both the past that has been revealed as a lie, and the future you thought you had.

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InShock2025 · 31/08/2025 22:12

@TinselAngel Marital home on the market, divorce should be done by end of the year.

No money to rent and pay the mortgage/bills so am stuck til house sells. No family nearby either. Just got to ride it out.

Is it ok to cry and be upset? To feel angry and betrayed? It's as if the blame has been turned 180, like it's my fault and I am in the wrong

Love reading and learning, is it worth my time trying to understand why?

Original poster

TinselAngel · 31/08/2025 21:49

InShock2025 · 31/08/2025 20:57

@TinselAngel same house unfortunately

That’s shit. Can you bring forward any plans to change that?

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InShock2025 · 31/08/2025 20:57

@TinselAngel same house unfortunately

Original poster

TinselAngel · 31/08/2025 20:01

InShock2025 · 31/08/2025 17:40

NC for this

Instigated divorce this year as the STBEX over the past couple of years wasn't happy. I couldn't seem to make him happy, he didn't seem to enjoy being with me. Started to exhibit disrespect and contempt towards me and my family, which steadily grew in frequency and culminated in a crescendo event that stepped so far over my boundaries it was totally shocking. I thought long and hard about filing for divorce which after a few months I did (after he said I was being sensitive/overreacting and should just get over it).

Throughout the entire time of our relationship I accepted who he was/is, 100% including the bits that over the past few years didn't sit right or were a turn-off. The wearing women's clothes when intimate, which then progressed to always wearing lingerie, the shoe collection, fake breasts. But he was my husband, for better or for worse and in all areas of life, personal and professional, accept people for who there are. Everyone!

After I filed he's been pretty up and down but recently he had confessed it was ineveitable we would divorce and that had things he wanted to share but it wasn't the right time. I thought he said that as a way of hurting me.

I found out today (by accident) that for the past few years he has been thinking more and more about coming out as a woman or living his life as a woman. And that he couldn't tell me this because I am a JKR supporter (I've read some of her tweets) and researched about various feminist issues such as women being able to use single sex toilets in the workplace, that I am pro-sex only, that gender is fluid and I should understand that, and I'm not supportive of transgender people and have denied him being who he is for the past few years so getting a divorce is the right thing to do.

I told him if he wanted to identify as a woman then I wished he would have spoken to me and I could have supported his choice, I wouldn't have stayed married mind you but the discussion could have occurred moons ago.

Is it ok to feel so utterly heartbroken that I am being blamed for his unhappiness and that is it my fault he can't be who he wants to be?

It isn’t your fault that he can’t be what he wants to be though, it is reality’s fault. Your story is so very familiar to me

The bright side is that it looks like the worst of this is happening after you’ve decided to divorce so not your circus or your monkeys.

My view is that the fetish gradually escalates but they have to be able to claim they were “born this way”. Blaming us becomes an easy explanation for why they didn’t do sooner.

Are you living separately or are you still in the same house?

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InShock2025 · 31/08/2025 17:40

NC for this

Instigated divorce this year as the STBEX over the past couple of years wasn't happy. I couldn't seem to make him happy, he didn't seem to enjoy being with me. Started to exhibit disrespect and contempt towards me and my family, which steadily grew in frequency and culminated in a crescendo event that stepped so far over my boundaries it was totally shocking. I thought long and hard about filing for divorce which after a few months I did (after he said I was being sensitive/overreacting and should just get over it).

Throughout the entire time of our relationship I accepted who he was/is, 100% including the bits that over the past few years didn't sit right or were a turn-off. The wearing women's clothes when intimate, which then progressed to always wearing lingerie, the shoe collection, fake breasts. But he was my husband, for better or for worse and in all areas of life, personal and professional, accept people for who there are. Everyone!

After I filed he's been pretty up and down but recently he had confessed it was ineveitable we would divorce and that had things he wanted to share but it wasn't the right time. I thought he said that as a way of hurting me.

I found out today (by accident) that for the past few years he has been thinking more and more about coming out as a woman or living his life as a woman. And that he couldn't tell me this because I am a JKR supporter (I've read some of her tweets) and researched about various feminist issues such as women being able to use single sex toilets in the workplace, that I am pro-sex only, that gender is fluid and I should understand that, and I'm not supportive of transgender people and have denied him being who he is for the past few years so getting a divorce is the right thing to do.

I told him if he wanted to identify as a woman then I wished he would have spoken to me and I could have supported his choice, I wouldn't have stayed married mind you but the discussion could have occurred moons ago.

Is it ok to feel so utterly heartbroken that I am being blamed for his unhappiness and that is it my fault he can't be who he wants to be?

Original poster

TinselAngel · 18/08/2025 11:43

Jaffapedigree · 17/08/2025 18:57

Hello everyone, I thought I'd share my updates on my situation with you here.

He's going to move out! A very sensible mutual friend got in contact with me after he'd been confiding in her, and after hearing my side of things, I think she must have given him a right talking to, because his attitude has changed quite a bit.

So now, he's talking seriously about moving out and selling the house. However, I'm determined to keep the house, so have contacted our mortgage broker to discuss buying him out. After a short post on the mumsnet housing board which received a couple of positive responses, it looks like I may be able to do it. I definitely need the broker to confirm it though, hopefully he can set up a meeting soon.

The ex has also been trying to tidy his room today, cue lots of noise and grumbling. He's also still wearing the godawful clothes, but if he's leaving soon, I can will myself to put up with it until he's gone.

I also reconnected with an old work colleague yesterday and we indulged in what is best described as a day long bitch fest! She's totally supportive, as is her no nonsense husband, so at least a few good people have my back. I'm feeling a lot better today.

Really pleased to hear that things are going better and that you’ve found people with a grip on reality that you can lean on.

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Tygadlas · 18/08/2025 11:25

It is never a good idea to alter mortgages without sound legal advice. My grandson's non married parents found that any new arrangement must guarantee a roof over his head until he is 18.
Are you also aware of your co-parenting financial obligations? It is not unusual for one parent to make a claim against a better paid parent. Transitioners can claim for not working with DWP on medical grounds! Proceed with good legal advice. If you are young ( says the pensioner) your situation may be much simpler.