Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

S2 Ep 11: The Cis-Spouse Bill of Rights https://ourpath.org/ourpath_podcast/s2-ep-11-the-cis-spouse-bill-of-rights/

I also did an episode of a podcast, I use different names to avoid legal issues.

Thank you, if anyone wants to post replies to the articles here instead of on substacj I'd love to read them.

https://heatherfitzsimmons.substack.com/

The latest article is "Why can't you just? Part two"Why can't you just let it go and be happy (for him)?"

Hi I am wondering if its ok to post my transwidow substack link here? Its just starting, I'm trying to make a healing place for transwidows.

I'm a long time lurker, been divorced from my ex for 7 years. I have about 6 short articles so far. If its not ok I totally understand.

I'm really glad to see that this place is still running. I hate that we even need this. I wish AGPers would just find some one else who is into their fetish or stay single, leave us alone.

Great job on telling your friend! I know it’s hard to start telling people. Eventually you will get it down a flow for telling people. It is validating that more people you tell. While you will get extremists most people if they personalize it for themselves would leave. I’ve had very few people who truly think I should have stayed married,

Great news Awaitin.

@Damaya It’s really good that you have your therapist ti talk to an pour out all your anger and hate. That will make it easier to just not react to what your ex throws at you. And you need to get it out somewhere so that all those dark feelings don’t eat you alive. Your child will know in the long run who was the adult one!

I told my best friend about the cross-dressing and the upcoming divorce. I got massive support from her. I feel so much better to get it out, to tell my feeling of shame and to have someone on my side saying I’m doing the right thing. I will keep my eyes on the goal; an appartment with no locked doors and people in the closet, and I just to have go through the upcoming difficult time first.

It will get better Damaya. Keeping the moral high ground with your behaviour is wearing but pays off in the long run as you remain blameless. Plus a good parent. I managed to keep my mouth shut about how I felt with my kids and now as adults they are, of their own volition, clear-sighted about who was responsible for the pain caused and who behaved well (me). It pays off in the end.

The shame is definitely strong. I think part of it is just what an outsider I am. It would have been “easier” if it was a traditional divorce and he was just an asshole and an alcoholic. This throws in a different layer.

In the US there is this undertone of needing to celebrate my ex. You don’t get that with any traditional divorce. “Oh your husband decided to go have sex with the secretary. I mean really he needs to be himself though so good for him!”. This is the only divorcé situation where a “good for her though” or “wow, how courageous at her age” gets thrown in It’s absurd and angering! And if I point out how uncomfortable it is people don’t like that either. They want me to mask that I’m happy. Because you should be happy when people transition… Doesn’t matter about anyone else except the transitioning person.

Take a look over at Reddit transpartners if you ever need some perspective on how bad this mockery of playing female can get and just the absolute narcissism that is being spewed about. It will cement your reasons for leaving. Those women have no respect for themselves to remain in sone of those situations and put their kids through it. There was one recently where the spouse (A male) went in for a female wax service and then claimed transphobia when the salon worker was uncomfortable. The guy didn’t warn them he was trans. He literally booked himself for a female wax and got hurt when they got worried he was a perve. The poor salon worker! She was probably terrified. Those people get victimized every day already.

I’m struggling with strong feelings of anger toward my ex and doing my best to mask it as I have to coparent with him and I don’t want our son to internalize it. His actions don’t help. He tries to push buttons and be for lack of a better word a little bit provocative. I pride myself on not taking the bait, but it makes him angry and it takes a mental toll on me. And having to play nice in the sandbox and pretend to celebrate the transition of a shitty borderline abusive ex husband sucks! I told my therapist on Friday I think I actually hate him. I have never truly felt hate for anyone before even my literal rapist so I couldn’t place it at first. But this is my coparent for the next 9 years. This is my life. I hope it gets better.

Spot on. I told close family that I was going to divorce him, but didn't tell him for a couple of months. I lined up their support, saw a solicitor, found a counsellor, talked to my manager at work, saw my GP, put aside some money (I wish I had done that years before given he screwed me over in the divorce and I was too worn -down to fight it) and got into a calmer private headspace. And then told him. It helped me to take back some control and also.time telling our kids to be as undisruptive as possible (a pipe dream, they were of course devastated, so try as you might you can't make it better for everyone). The counsellor noted that I set an important example to my daughter that (in manageable circumstances) women don't have to stay in intolerable circumstances with men who disregard their or their children's needs and feelings. My children are now adults and have several times explicitly said how glad they are we didn't stay together. So you seem to have a sound view of your way out of this. It's very hard going but the peace of freedom and independence can't be understated.

@socialworker222 Exactly! We didn’t know and we didn’t see the signs for what they were. At least I didn’t see the whole picture. I just thought this was a spice in our sexlife (for him) even if I said I didn’t get turned on of him in a slutty dress. And then forwarding to this day when I can’t even remember when we had like normal sex with him penetrating me. And I just went along and didn’t see all the red flags until this one day when reality slapped me in the face. Just to get the shame to shrink I need to at least tell my best friend. This is not our shame!

I’m sorry to hear about the experience that your children had, that everybody knew. It’s awful to think about what have been said at the dinner table when your life is being discussed, but it’s heartbreaking when you are a child/young adult. Wondering what have been said and what jokes has been thrown around. But then again, I should hope that all have talked about it with compassion for you and your children in mind.

I also think that the shame maybe can come from the stories that has been told about the marriage lasting and all are living happy together, and we can’t do that. Even if we are told tiodo so, because so many (??) other women can. Like we were the failure.

I’m usually taking action and then reflect later. That is also why I feel like I really have to sort my thoughts before I tell my husband. So I can be clear in what I want and why I don’t want to continue with him. Maybe, maybe if I can stay calm this divorce isn’t going to be too complicated and therefor easier for the children to handle.

My daughter, 14, asked me today if I was happy in my marriage (not my husbands daughter) and I answered no. She then wondered why I still was staying in the relationship. I couldn’t say that it’s coming, but I really need to set an example for her and her sister (and my boys, of course) that you should not stay in a relationship where you aren’t happy. That you should think of your boundries and what you do not accept and don’t let anybody push those boundries. But it is easier said than done, because change happens slowly.

Sounds like a good plan Awaitin. The shame is interesting. I carried shame for years and couldn't rationally explain it. The isolation worsens that, and it being so uncommon made me feel like a freakish oddity. Several friends had partners who went off with younger women, but I was unusual and a topic of gossip in my community (my kids later found out when they told a couple of people that 'everyone knows', which they hated). I think we also feel shame that we didn't know, didn't spot the signs, and were made fools of. But you of course have nothing to feel ashamed of.

@Dadhouse @socialworker222 @Damaya Thank you for your kind words! They mean a lot to me! How are you all doing/coping? I really appreciate reading about your situation even if it feels like we share the same nightmare.

My husband got his tooth pulled out today, so he has slept most of the day and that means more space for me. I can sleep with the door unlocked and that eases my anguish a little. Hoping for a full night sleep. This week has been hard, feeling anguished, I’m tired but sleeps bad, hungry, but must force me to eat. But still I know this too will pass, and it will get better! My husbnd hasn’t noticed everything different about me this whole week, and that says a lot about our pretty distanced relationship. But makes it easier for me at this point.

I’m counting the days to my trip. We are going for a long weekend-trip with my almost adult son and his aunt, sister and grandmother (from his dad’s side). I get to sleep in peace a few nights and I’m getting away from this situation. And after the trip I count the days for my appontment with the psychologist. And somewhere there in between i will take up the divorce with my husband. And tell my best friend what’s going on. I need to say it out loud so that I don’t feel so trapped and to take away some of the shame I have.

I really hope you all have a good weekend with some peace of mind, even for a moment!

I’ll agree on support from the ex’s family. My ex’s family firmly supports me and not him. I still am friendly with them.

Best wishes @Awaitin you might be surprised at the support you get from 'his' family. My brother is such a selfish idiot my sympathy is firmly for my sil. We hope he sorts his life out and moves forward but feel he's been utterly horrible to her.

I feel obliged to add that, even if you all get out safely, it is possible, though admittedly unlikely, that those few seconds delay could end up costing a firefighter his or her life.

Hi Awaitin, sorry you have been having to live this way for so long. It sounds like you have made a good decision and now just need to be practical, think about finances, get legal advice and as you say, tell some people so you are supported (you will always have our support on here). I had no hesitation in telling very close friends and family and their support was vital for me to survive the first difficult years after making my decision. Maybe start with a close and trusted friend and see how they react. You may be surprised by the amount of support you get. People who care about you are unlikely to be 'political' about the trans issue and those who are may not end up being in your life for much longer. You could keep it secret or say it is something too personal to share right now, and at least have their support, but I certainly found it a great relief to tell trusted people. You are already imprisoned by this secret so it would be good for you to be able to tell someone.

@Damaya Thank you! It’s weird how shame drives us people to be silent. He once said that I could talk about this to my best friend when I said that I can’t be the only one who listens to him and that this make me feel very alone as I can’t talk to anybody. But I didn’t want to, and I don’t know if I can, because I feel ashamed. Like I am the one who didn’t stop this insanity. Like this would define me and who I am. I recognize this is how abused women would act and I know this isn’t on me. And how partners to alcoholic behaves. The list is long. At the same time I don’t know if I have the right to tell his secret to others. But it feels like I’m choking when I can’t adress the whole issue.

At the same time I feel relived. I have thought about divorce because of his negativety that affects us all. He has always been very conservative in his thoughts. During our honeymoon there were the pride-march in the city we visited and he wouldn’t go near the strees where the march was going on. He had a backpack where there was a rainbow-like image and he put tape on it so that no-one would think he had anything to do with the pride-movement. And now he’s advocating trans rights and is growing his hair long, when he always have had it short and the same cut for all these years. That’s why I find this surprising and odd and so not like him. But now I feel like I have a real reason for the divorce, and that’s why I feel relived, but at the same time I struggle with letting friends know the whole truth about the divorce.

@ImNotWorthy That’s a very good point! He has always been very rigid about safety matters, so I will gladly point this out to him.

I have read what so many people have written here. I don’t know how you cope with the legal system is US. But I will say I admire you all and how you all are trying to keep some sanity for your children to this upside-down world we have been thrown into.

@Awaitin He is now sleeping in his nightdress and underpants every night locking the door to our bedroom so that the children won’t come in and see him dressed like that.

DS is a firefighter, and so I am duty bound to remind you that this is very poor fire safety indeed. You may need to evacuate everyone as quickly as possible in an emergency.

Those few seconds it takes to unlock the bedroom door may be the difference between life and death. And there won't be time for him to get changed, either.

Can I just add how full of admiration I am for all you posters

It is absolutely ok to talk to your friends about it. Your partner will make you think it is not but this is his secret not yours. Keep in mind some friends may not understand. I lost some long term friends who thought I should just stay.

You are no longer sexually compatible. It’s absolutely ok to not want this life for yourself. he gets to do his thing but his right to expression doesn’t trump your right to comfort in your own home!

I have been married for almost 11 years and we have been together for almost 13 years. We have 1 child in common and we both have children from prevoius relationships. We live in Scandinavia.

I have found me in a reality I no longer want to be part of. It first started with him wanting to have anal sex (he was the one penetrated with a dildo). Then it slided to him wearing my underwear during sex ”because if you don’t put on sexy underwear, I will”.

I think I’m quite open minded so I didn’t think much of it until he told me he was turned on by wearing womens clothes. It felt weard when he started to buy womens clothes online and using my make-up but I just thought I had to suck it up and be more open-minded.

In the store he would put make-up in the shopping basket and ask me to pay for it (we have different accounts, he would take some of my purchases and pay for it instead), then some underwear, then more women-stuff. I didn’t feel comfortable but didn’t want to make a scene in front of the children. I was the one making it legit so that no-one knew it was for him.

This summer he bought a nightdress (he now has the courage to pay for his women-stuff) and wore it a few nights. It felt uncomfortable for me sleeping next to him. He told me that he no longer got turned on by the clothes, it just felt more comfortable.

There is shaving (I dont like shaved male legs, I want them hairy). He is now sleeping in his nightdress and underpants every night locking the door to our bedroom so that the children won’t come in and see him dressed like that. And if he accidently leaves his tranny clothes to be found he can always say that they are mine. What do (or did) you tell your children if they found something you would never put on? Let them belive it’s your slutty clothes or just tell them they aren’t yours?

Over the years I have slowly being pushed in to a role I don’t want, I don’t see myself as how he descibes me. He talks about me as a husbandwife, meaning I have masculine appearance, that I’m not acting female enough (I don’t wear make up every day because I’m working from home, I wear high heals only randomly on occasion). He says I’m the head of the family when everything is still about him and his oppinions and that he gets to decide (can the girls bake, home-coming times etc). I’m a woman, I like being one. And I hoped for a relationship where man and woman were equal. He has no understanding why I don’t feel ok with this whole sh*t.

And then it hit me last week. I really, really don’t want this and I don’t need to take it. I don’t want a man in womens clothes sleeping next to me. I feel like he’s locking me in every night when he locks the door and changes his clothes. He has forced me to silence because I can’t talk to others about this, it’s his secret. I feel my heart racing in the evening and have the feeling that I can’t breathe. I know, anxiety (have a doctor’s appontment booked).

I got out on the web and nowhere to be found was the support for us who don’t want to stay married. Only stories about how everyone lives happily ever after in these new roles. Was I the ONLY one who didn’t want to stay married!?

I wasn’t. I found you.

So I have a plan. I’m going on a trip next week without my husband. After that I will tell him that I want a divorce and take it from there. It won’t be easy selling the house and moving apart (or living together when not being together, we need to sell first to afford to move), but I need space. I need to be able to breath. And sleep without locked doors.

I don’t know how he will react. By anger or by tears. I don’t know if he will make this house selling easy or hard. I asume he won’t do a thing and forcing me to do all the practical work because he doesn’t want to live in an apartment and he can’t afford a house by his own. So I bet it will be a long, hard and cold winter.

I would like to know, did you tell any of your friends that your men cross-dressed and how did you cope with the secret you were forced into? Is it ok to say to your friends why you are getting a divorce or is it his little secret you have to carry with him?

Mine doesn’t pass either!! Not even slightly. He is taking hormones so he sprouted some buds but he was 40 and balding when he started. He looks like an unkempt homeless man in drag. And he has decided yellow is is color!! Yellow!! So he looks like a lemon or a fat banana normally. Back to school night he made an appearance (very late thankfully). Was wearing yellow stilettos, a sequined yellow tank top and a yellow skirt (also cannot cross those legs omg). I need to take up poker I swear I had 0 reaction. The school put up a “all families welcome” pride flag in the window for us… Principal gave it a little point like “hey, did you see our sign”. I was dying inside but my face showed a smile.

But you are right I am internally reacting. I hate him more than I have ever hated anyone in my entire life for what he is doing! I have no problem with adults doing what they want but I have issue where someone else’s right to expression infringes on my Child’s right to a semi-normal childhood! I’m trying to let it out where he can get 0 satisfaction (here). He wants me to be uncomfortable. And I totally am, everyone is, but I appear to be so ok with this so if a court were to analyze my actions I’m clean.

it helps to know there are others. You are right I don’t fit in elsewhere in other support areas. This is the closest even if it isn’t US based. Feel free to reach out via pm if you would like to chat. I think those of us who have gone through this are sone of the only ones who can truly understand it.

Your ex using ptsd to excuse actions too I’m sorry but what a piece of shit! I have ptsd (child sexual Assault) and while it influences me it’s never made me abusive and I’d never use it as an excuse for shitty behavior. It embarrassing more than anything for me!

Thank you so much! You are so not alone either! I am right here. Finally, I've found someone dealing with the same BS... In DV circles they can only relate so much and then I run into the issues of people not understanding or judging me.

Yeah, I was yellow rock for sometime. Then I went grey rock. I get the occasional out of the blue poke from him once a week or so. I mostly ignore it. During the beginning I did react a bit emotionally but it was never insulting to him or anything like that. More like, this is what you did to me and I don't want you doing it to our child.

I rarely ever react now and if I do it's one of those unemotional canned responses. "Our experiences are different." Or, "You and I both know that's not true." I don't even use, "Your attempt to paint me in a negative light has been noted," anymore. I just ignore it.

Still sucks though... I may not be reacting to him but it still gets to me. Every chance he gets he shoves the trans issue in my face, even when I've said, "Oh you're legally changing your name? And getting married? Well congratulations. Please let me know when the legal name is valid. Thank you and have a wonderful week." Yeah, he blew up at me about a week later. He keeps trying to shove a book Pink is for boys in my face and that our child might be part of the LGBTQIA+ community. And I'm like... "Um, she's going to be whomever she wants and I will love her always."

He's really careful about the way he speaks though, always roaming around the point never actually saying it. Unless he's insulting me. I follow the orders to the letter and this makes him angry. He's even said that we don't have to go by the judge's orders. I'm just documenting and doing what I can. He gets turkey day this year and if he doesn't decide to take that I might file. It has to be at least six months of very limited or no contact.

Dude! Okay... First, you... Are... So... F'ing... Strong! I don't know how I could handle that situation and NOT react. In a sexy cat suit? Whut? Second, out of pure curiosity does your ex pass at all? Mine doesn't. If he does actually dress up to pass he looks like he's wearing drag. Before I moved out of state with our daughter he showed up at her daycare. All of the staff was more than shocked.

So, he has a habit of not wearing underwear. One of the reasons why I know he's not on hormones is because he's actually said, "E makes your D*K smaller and I'd hate that. I wanna be a chick with a big D*K." He wears skin tight woman's leggings. Ever see the Labyrinth? I'm just gonna link it here...

That's what it looks like. And a man's tank top or cropped t-shirt but he is thick. Has broad shoulders and is pretty stocky. He doesn't even try. Slaps cover up on his face and maybe some lip gloss with a full two days growth of facial hair.

I wish I didn’t know the pain but I totally am living it with you! Know you are not alone. And your daughter knows who her real Momma is!

Document every missed visit. Do not deviate from the order. He missed his time and wants make up? If it isn’t in the order too bad so sad. Learn grey rocking. No reaction to your ex at all. Learn a poker face. He thrives on attention and reaction if anything like mine. No reaction to him. He is a coworker. A shitty one you wouldn’t have dinner with. Professional and reaction-less I’ve found is making mine less interested in parenting? What he really wants is taking something from me. So I don’t let him see I care. It takes a toll but it is a long game!! Yours has an issue with something just don’t react. Only interaction is coparenting. Shows the crazy if they are the only ones reacting.

Mine came to second grade trick or treat at school dressed like a sexy witch. I was the only one who didn’t react. 😳

I do call him "your other parent," as much as possible. He hates it and says that I am abusing our child by not using a female pronoun. He has changed his name but not legally. I also use, "they," sometimes. Our daughter does know who I am talking about but it took some time.

She does call him "mommy," or "momma," but the issue is that I can't start calling him "daddy," because he's already filled that position with someone who will most likely not be around for long.

She doesn't have a speech therapist anymore. They've determined that she's no longer stunted and she's made great progress. I am very proud of her. I did talk to her speech therapist during and she said that it's best to let him call himself whatever and she can figure it out for herself. Kinda sucks but... It does mean less confusion right now.

Although, you're right... With each new partner he changes himself. It will be very confusing for her and there's nothing I can do about it but to be stable, strong, document, and keep trying to find her a therapist.

So... He has two other kids with two other women. I only knew about one, he obviously lied. He owes a crap load of child support to all three of us but the OAG doesn't seem to care. Specially, because he's a veteran. During our relationship he used the excuse of having PTSD for everything. I mean, everything. He's never met one of them and hasn't seen the other in over eight years.

Our child? He did take the 50 day extended summer but before that it was 5 and a half months before he saw her. He refuses to take the monthly visitations calling them "not feasible." He might call her once in a great while but for the most part he just messages me and attempts to bother me. It's never been about our child.

Also, oh so... You do know the pain and agony of this f'ed up court system. Yeah, it's both sad and infuriating.