Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

Cross post, Tinsel. I see we both have territorial pissings in mind, though.

Yes. This is a support thread. It's not for pissing contests.

Coming in late but I don’t think anyone had any issue with the post but the idea of the individual posting in this support group. What would be the possible motivation for lurking here? While you are correct they could hide their identity and post the same thing they didn’t? The name holds meaning in this space.

Read the room, both of you - be sensitive to the mood and feelings of the women on this support thread before you go barging into their pain.

FWR regulars are protective of the women on this thread and for good reasons.

I edited my post while you were writing yours, so we've just done a new sort of x-post.

I don't Advance Search people as a rule. I was taking the poster and post at face value, and assuming the post was made in good faith.

I'm still a bit puzzled. What was the purpose of Alpha's post then? It does seem to agree with and support the poster they were replying to? Suppose they had name-changed to Withyoualltheway and posted, would their post have been jumped on in the same way?

To all other posters: Shame on you!

Did you read what @AlphaTransWoman actually wrote? They are agreeing with you. As far as I can see.

It occurs to me that some of you saw their username and your own prejudice stopped you reading their post properly. I hope I am wrong

Women know this poster from other threads on FWR. Advanced search might be enlightening.

It seems to me that some folk on here have misunderstood, or misread, a recent post?

Did you read what @AlphaTransWoman actually wrote? They are agreeing with you. As far as I can see.

It occurs to me that some of you saw their username and your own prejudice stopped you reading their post properly. I hope I am wrong

@Mommyisnotsilent the seat-belt thing is just normal 3-year-old behaviour. I've had it with my own DC, and my friends' DC. Between the ages of 2 and 4, children are learning how to be them, in charge of themselves. They don't know why they have to wear a seatbelt. They only know they don't want to, and they are also working out that they have the option of not doing what their parent wants.

This is easily dealt with, quite quickly. It requires patience when you are doing it, but the DC will learn that you mean business either the first time, or the second. It is about consequences.

So you are in the car, and the DC won't put their seatbelt on. (Or in another variation, you are in the car going somewhere, and they have taken their seatbelt off. In which case you pull over safely as soon as you can.)

Nothing is more important than your child's life. Not getting to the shops in time, not meeting someone off a train. So nothing is more important than your child always wearing a seatbelt while you are driving. It is so important, that if they are not wearing their seatbelt, you will not drive the car.

2 and 3 years understand language, so you can tell them "we will stay here then, until you put your seatbelt on." You can even discuss it with them then, they may come up with some surprisingly good reasons.

However, you want to get going. So you say something like "we have to go to the shops/pick up your sister/ie purpose of journey. And I can't/won't drive the car/We're not going anywhere until you put your seatbelt on."
(Trying to show in my example above that you can tailor your words how you like. Depending on the child, you might say "OK sunshine, we're not going anywhere until you put your seatbelt on.")

Repeat, and they will eventually give in and put their seatbelt on. Continue with your day as normal. Do not have any further discussion. You are trying to make putting the seatbelt on a thing that you just do when you are in a car, like grown ups/Mummy does. And you are doing it by consequences - if seatbelt on, then Mummy will drive. if seatbelt off Mummy will not drive.

No need to explain what Mummy is thinking, which is basically this
If Mummy drives with DC in car, and DC does not have seatbelt on, and Mummy has an accident, and it's a bad accident, DC could die. Therefore Mummy will not drive with DC in car unless DC has seatbelt on.

As for the "I want my Daddy/other carer" thing, that's normal for this age as well. Many a frazzled mother/father has had to deal with their DC yelling loudly "I want my Daddy/Mummy" (the Other One). I am sure my two lesbian friends, one of whom gave birth to their two DC, had the same problem. When looking after them, I'm sure Amy will have heard "I want Hannah!", and Hannah will have heard "I want Amy!" It feels hurtful the first time they do it, but then you learn to see through it

I hope this reassures you a little. Please don't blame perfectly normal child behaviour on the family situation IYSWIM.

Just delurking to say that Shannon Thrace's book is 99p on Kindle today. I heard her interviewed last year and her story will be familiar to many on here.

Can't help themselves, can they?

Every incursion is an illustration.

That isn't fair and it isn't right. Your child has one mother, and nothing your ex partner thinks, says or does can change that, however they identify. It is wrong that your ex partner is seeking to confuse your child in this way and I hope they are willing to consider an alternative that centres you as the mother. This is important for the child's wellbeing and your own.

Oh @Mommyisnotsilent - of course you’re her mother. And she has no idea of the true impact of her words - she’s trying to hurt you, as revenge for her own hurt feelings, in that toddlery way that more commonly brings out “I hate you” or “you’re not my friend any more”. If a toddler has divorced parents “I’m going to live with Other Parent” is standard; & if there is a step-parent “Name is a nicer mummy than you!”

Most importantly though, your DD is demonstrating she knows you’re her mommy & that you love her unconditionally. She knows you won’t reject her; she knows you won’t ship her off to her father’s forever. To her, in that moment, having to wear her seatbelt was the absolute end of the world & you were cruel & unreasonable to make her (raising the question of what she does at your ex’s that she suddenly thinks they might be optional: I know seatbelt laws vary from State to State [& indeed Territory], but at 3 she’ll be legally required to wear a seatbelt, & probably use a carseat) wear her seatbelt. Toddlers are not famed for their reasoning skills, nor their sense of proportion. They do tend to have a strong sense of justice though - if someone has been bold they must be held to account! Their wee brains are easily overwrought because they’re constantly learning so much & they often can’t communicate as effectively as they’d wish - or aren’t taken as seriously as they’d wish.

So the threes are probably more terrible for your DD to experience than any kind of tantrum she might throw; not only are you her mommy, your DD knows you are & has a really secure attachment to you; it’s ok you were hurt by what she said - she was aiming to hurt, but with no conception of the nature of that hurt & in an explosive toddler way. Today, less another tantrum, you will be Best Mommy In The World again; & she will mean it, absolutely, in that fierce little way wee folk have.

Please be very gentle with yourself. Contact your therapist if you can, perhaps, because while it’s normal, it’s understandable for it to have shaken you.

(And someone with much better advice - I only read the thread sometimes as not widow of any variety - should be here soon, I just didn’t want to leave you without a reply.)

Hey everyone,

I've been gone for a little while. Life happened. Then today hit me like a train flying off the tracks. Allow me to explain please...

I left my abusive ex when our child was a year old. Shortly after he claimed that he's transgender. Soon after he started demanding that I and our child call him female pronouns and our child should call him, "mommy." No, not just mommy, all of the pronouns. I tried asking him to pick one to avoid confusion. He called me transphobic again. So, our child came back from summer visitation stating that she has two moms and a daddy. Oh, yeah he calls his partner her daddy. No they aren't married.

It's been just over a month since he has last talked to our child. She's three now. I thought I had a break through a couple of weeks ago when I showed her two different pictures of her father. How he looked before and after and how they look very much the same. The only difference is the longer hair and heavy cover up. He still has a five oclock shadow. No, he isn't concerned about passing. Like, at all. My daughter understood it clearly and I wanted to jump up shout and celebrate. She has been so damn confused by his actions. She looked at me and said, "Daddy is silly isn't he?" And I said, "Yes but that's a grown up problem you don't have to worry about."

Then today... When we were have some er difficulties... She never went through terrible two's. So, yeah. Hello terrible threes? Anyhow, she was pushing boundaries about not putting her seat belt on and I wasn't having it. Normally, she will wait for me to buckle her she even helps by pulling the buckle over her head. Today? Nope, even after explaining she wanted to be stubborn. She finally let me buckle her when I stepped back, pulled out my phone and acted as if I wasn't budging until she put her seat belt on. (don't laugh, she's pouting, don't laugh!) I said to myself. She has the cutest pout.

I buckle my seat belt and she says to me... "I'm going to my new home with my other Mommy and Daddy." I stopped and swallowed hard. "Do you mean me?" I asked. "No. My other Mommy." I ah, it hurt... I know she didn't mean it but it hurt. I expected to hear from my child, "I don't like you," or "I hate you," Or "I'm going to run away." I didn't expect to hear that.

I took the drive to the store to think about what to say. When I got there I opened her door and explained everything all over again.

I cried the first time I felt her kick. For the first time in my life a pregnancy was holding. I was going to be a mother and it made me cry tears of joy. Oh, I blubbered! When she was born I didn't want to put her down or let her go. Before I gave birth I thought that I might not be able to breast feed. It always sounded weird to me. The first time I breast fed, I cried again. I loved her the minute I knew she was there.

But in times like this... I suddenly find myself feeling like I am not her mother. Like something was taken from me, violently. There have been other times when she's been gone at visitation with him or when she's come back and it takes her awhile to adapt to being back. It hurts. It feels unreal. I feel numb. I hate it. I don't feel like a mother. It feels like there's a giant gaping hole inside of me. Yeah, I'm in therapy, yeah I've been diagnosed with PTSD... But there are times where I don't have anyone to talk to.

I'm 44 with a three year old with an abusive ex who is using a real mental illness to continue abusing me through our child. This is beyond fetishes and dysphoria... I hate that he can still impact me like this. But tonight I find myself trying to get that feeling of motherhood back. I'm her mother... Right?

<ahem> Although I am a woman, I love model railways. I have even been to a model railway exhibition at Locomotion, an outpost of the National Railway Museum. But I would never have one of my own. I am inept and clumsy, and would break it...

I do agree he looks a bit of a berk, though
Hope all you posters are doing ok

That made me actually lol!!

Thank you. I talk about it more to help other people who might be experiencing similar things.

Oh ((@Transwidow987)), how awful, here's a hug from me. And a cuppa

@ImNotWorthy the above was in response to your comment.

We have been apart for 7 years. I remember there was a TV show called "men of a certain age". There was a commercial that came on where Raymond talked about how he lost his libido and his wife made him take viagra. And he complained that he now had to stick his "dead wooden penis" into his wife once a week. And that commercial came on for that show quite a bit and I remember seeing his face he would get this look on his face like he was trying not to show any emotion. And looking back that That he made when anything was coming close to his web of lies. And I just used to get this eerie feeling when he went blank like that. His supposed low libido was a huge issue in our marriage, its a long story. But I think he had to take viagra to counteract the T blockers he was taking. He would make sure we did it once a week but he would never initiate and he had no passion for me.

If he has a sexual fantasy that can never happen in real life, then that, plus stimulus and hand, is the only way that the fantasy can ever be fulfilled. It literally can only be fulfilled inside his head, all he needs to add is the sensation he feels in his penis - a hand does fine, though, if he wanks frequently he should beware of developing the "death grip."

@Transwidow987 Yes, it’s ok to quote me in the article!