Okay, um... I am totally confused about what just happened with the not supposed to post here or is supposed to but someone asked a question so I'll respond to that.
First, I sort of skimmed over the seat belt issue because it was my toddler doing what she is doing right now, pushing boundaries exploring and learning. Kids do that, I get that. I did end up telling her that the car won't move until she choses to be safe and be buckled. She's actually yelled at me before about not wearing a buckle in a parking lot. So, it wasn't really about that or her testing...
It was deeper than that and thank you to those who did for the support, I really needed it.
So, we are in the states. My ex started court proceedings when I escaped. I say escape because I really did escape while he was out. At that point, I wasn't even allowed to step outside or talk to anyone. Sometimes he would keep my phone.
Eventually, I was able to get an attorney and the ex and I signed a final agreement lifting a geographic restriction. I moved with our child a year ago. It has been a continued uphill battle. Welfare checks, threats, times where he disappears and I think it's finally over only for him to pop up again. Like today, before today it had been over a month since he had messaged.
He is supposed to get a weekend visitation once a month but he has never utilized this option stating that it's not feasible. He gets Thanksgiving and Christmas every other year. This year I get Christmas and he gets Thanksgiving. I allow him phone calls but he rarely ever calls. There's a clause in the final that states contact must be consistent but he hasn't done that. He's always argued over the times and dates of possession. Like now, he's asking for a ridiculous amount of time because he choses to drive rather than fly for his possession time. He also calls his partner whom I doubt he will ever marry our child's father. Which is not fair to her at all.
It's a cluster F*ck. It really is. There is no shred left of the man I knew when I first met him. But if you know, you know... Abusers seldom wear red flags...
Will he pick our child up for visitation? Who knows... But our court system is utter junk and survivors of DV are often blamed and abusers are rarely held accountable. So, I can't stop him if he does actually show up. I can't force him to get help and be a consistent part of her life. I can't afford a good attorney, or private detective, who would go to bat for my child. So as long as he keeps showing up a few times a year he can keep interfering with our child's growth and development.
He has two other children. One he has never met who is eight, one who is eleven he hasn't seen since the child was a year and a half old. The amount of child support he owes all of us is insane. It would be laughable if it wasn't so sad...
Oh, and I would never ever blame my child or harbor resentment or anything like that. She's a child... She wasn't asked to be born let alone have to deal with all this... Confusion...
For a time, I did call my ex her "other parent." But she was confused by that as well. She kept asking about her Daddy. I know my ex's partner will not be around forever. I was the longest relationship he had ever had. To clear confusion, I show her pictures of her biological father. What he looked like back then and what he looks like now. I try to keep it simple. But I don't want to encourage his choice of being called Mommy. I'm her mother, even though his abuse makes it feel like I am not sometimes... I shouldn't have to encourage it. I think it's important to note that this is most likely another mask he will wear for a few years enforced by public opinion and social media... He's already stopped attempting to pass. When drag wasn't enough, this was the next shiny object he could garner attention for. When it diminishes and becomes too much work he will move on. The same can be said for his relationship/s.
Sorry for writing this long... This is honestly the only place I feel heard at and supported by actual peers.
Thank you for that, really I mean it.