Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

• Thanks. This part:
• "you did not properly consent to the marriage - for example you were forced into it"

I don't know where to post this. I'm a TW, my divorce was in 2016. We didn't have any kids together and I never see him or talk to him. I'm in the US.

I'm reading things about the current legal state of affairs with trans issues in the UK. Is there anyone who can kindly explain like I'm five what the laws are around the ability to get an annulment when your spouse comes out and also what this recent UK Supreme Court decision means for trans widows in the UK?

I'm going through a sickness right now that causes brain fog and constant pain and I'm just wondering if anyone can put it simply. I'm really wondering if these things might ever be a possibility for the US.

One other question. In the US if you get an anullment for this you have to show that your spouse knew they were trans and lied about it when you got married. Is that the case there?

You also have to refile your taxes for the last three years of your marriage as filing single which can mean in the US that you usually would end up owing money as married couples get a lot of tax advantages here. Is it like that there?

I'm also wondering socially how you frame it. If this was your first and only marriage do you tell people you were never married or that you just lived with someone or that you had a domestic partnership? If anyone has done this, what do you do? I don't know what I would do but I think I would feel better having one divorce and one Annulment than two divorces for some reason.

Oh also in the US if you get an Annulment it means you don't get any of the legal protectiobs of joint assets or alimony. Is that what its like there?

Well if anyone feels like helping out a Yank I'd appreciate it. You can ask me questions or PM me if you want more details about my situation to show I'm not a troll or a looky loo. Thanks in advance.

Most often we post because we are reacting to something. But we do have a choice to be proactive. Not to antagonise but to do something that suits us!
So Groutyonehereagain, you could plan a visit to your distant DIL and grandchildren a) to show your son he is not the only conduit for visits b) to show DIL your support and see your grandchildren in less stressed and more normal circumstances c) to feel you have more agency in all this without your son jangling your nerves. Get the idea?

I have been there. My heart goes out to her.

My poor DIL has more than enough on her plate. They currently don’t live close but I’ve gently suggested it would be lovely if they lived closer, so we can support her. She isn’t opposed to the idea but as I said she has more than enough on her plate. Poor woman, what’s happened to her and the children is desperately sad.

Do you think your DIL might be willing to assist with this?

I can imagine its very difficult. I'm really glad that I didn't have children with my trans ex and I don't have to see him anymore.

It must be hard for the children. I really don't know why anyone would introduce their children to someone they met a few weeks ago.

Sometimes I do think my ex is actually a very gay man who was non gender conforming as a child. He just had a strict Catholic conservative very sheltered upbringing in the middle of nowhere. I think he got it in his head that being gay means God hates you and that he was failing as a "real man" so it all got squished down into a cross dressing fetish.

I'm actually surprised he didn't end up with a man or a transwoman. He showed so many signs of preferring men.

I’ll be honest, I struggle with spending time with him. I do it so I can see my beautiful grandchildren. He uses them to control me to some extent. I don’t expect I will ever want to spend time with two men pretending to be women but I might have to. 😥

They are very mentally disorganized. Honestly I think the estrogen and testosterone blockers has a massive effect on their ability to think clearly.

Can you set a boundary with him and just say you don't need to meet everyone he is involved with and that maybe if they are still together in 3 months you will meet them at that time.

Thank you @Tygadlas x

Groutyonehereagain
I remember you posting two of ears ago when I was. I seem to recall your grandchildren were three under five years olds.
These trans people can expect all they want. There is no reason for anyone to go along with them, normalise all this. Two men posing as women is a new one on me. Often they choose an opposite sex acting partner, although I do know two who transitioned to women, then got a Civil Partnership!
Do not get involved with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. You owe nothing to anyone.

He moved out of the family home but they co-parent. The new relationship is just a few weeks.

He just doesn’t seem to get how difficult this is, not just for me but all of us. The stupid thing is, he acts exactly like a man, whilst dressing in pink and wearing makeup.

So he is in an open marriage and has a new partner who is a trans identified man as well?
I'm really sorry. That would be so hard to cope with.

How long have they been together. I mean your son with the new person.

My son who I’ve written about before, is now seeing someone. Another bloke, who thinks he’s a woman. It’s a new relationship yet he’s already insisted his kids meet the bloke who thinks he’s a woman. I’ve told him I think it’s too soon. He wants us to meet him as well. When I said no, he moaned to his wife, who told me but who doesn’t really have any fucks left to give. After two years of trying to get my head round my son thinking he’s a woman, I honestly don’t think I’m ever going to be ready to meet his new boyfriend, who also thinks he’s a woman.

My head is fucked.

Very sorry to hear this. Stressful, shocking and complicated by his caring role.
I agree your priority needs to be ensuring he is able to properly care for your mother given he is probably spending his spare time doing this.
I think it would be worth having a frank conversation with the social worker. If you are on friendly terms with the carers you could ask them if they've noticed any changes in his behaviour.
It's very hard for you as in the background you are having to navigate this discovery about your Dad. I hope you have good friends or other family you can talk to .

Thank you @TinselAngel @Tygadlas

I still don't know what to think, I'm still and will remain in shock for a while yet. I need to get into the right head space and I feel a long way off from that. 😔

@Inshock55 Transgender is a shock in any circumstance. You are not overreacting. The Social Workers have heard and seen it all before. They are pretty unshockable. One of the worst situations I found myself in years ago at a function was a man describing how his wheelchair bound wife could not object to his crossdressing etc because she was dependent on him and had no entitlement to an opinion...
This is a safeguarding issue. Please speak to the Social Worker but try not to do it from what you think. If you do that you will be offered 'education'. In your current state you do not need that. The things you see you may not like but they are pretty average for most crossdressers.I doubt your Dad will go outside the home.
There are some odd features you report. The porn is one. Most crossdressers just, well, dress. The shoes? He may just like to own them. They are great collectors.
As for your children, you may well find them a strength. Young people have different attitudes but may well feel able to support you. You are trying to negotiate whole social concept. It will take time. For other users I was Allsteamedup. Now I have been given a new name!

My dad has frontal lobe atrophy. He told me about the diagnosis and said the consultant said to him that it may cause inappropriate behaviour. I remember him saying that the consultant told him, 'If you find yourself walking down the road with your underpants on your head, that will be the frontal lobe atrophy'. Thankfully that didn't happen but he did lose some of his previously customary politeness.

I have heard of this before and did a bit of googling but didn't find much information so did wonder if I'd dreamt it!

It's a possibility; his memory is not what it used to be but it's general stuff, like a name of someone he worked with 30 years ago kind of thing. But a couple of years ago, he would have remembered that.

@Inshock55is it possible your dad could have dementia developing?
Some types of dementia can cause uninhibited and over sexualised behaviour. Just a thought, especially if the frontal lobe of the brain is affected.

Thank you @TheSandgroper for the recommendation. I will consider it but as @Lovelyview mentions, if he were to find out I'd added a camera without telling him, I probably wouldn't ever see Mum again. I've thought I could say that it's a peace of mind thing because she has various carer's every day - the problem with that is that we all get on very well with all her carers...there is about 8 of them on regular rotation and we have good relationships with them so I think Dad would think I was mad to have a camera for this reason. I'll have to think about it and if I do do it, it'll have to be a total secret from them both. Urgh, what an awful thing to be doing.

Likewise, I'll think about speaking to her social worker. I just feel sick at the thought of saying those words to her. I just feel so humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed...

thank you both. x