Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

Hope you are ok xxx

@MykindLimeCrow I am.so sorry to read your experience. I dont understand what goes on in theory head that they think it will give them.more happiness than being with their lively family and home they have built. Does this Dysphoria so bad that you cannot make a rational decision? He said that trans are so marginalised why would he choose to embrace it. Says he can't help it and it is killing him not to be expressing himself as a woman 🤷‍♀️

I'm so sorry. Just wanted to come here and say that. I believe you'll find light at the end of the tunnel, but going through it sounds tough. Best of luck to you! You're far better off w/out him in the long run. I'm sorry for your children, too.

Thank you for your kind words xx I am sorry you had to go through this too and to find out that he was taking hormones!! I cannot see him in any feminine way so i doubt we will ever remain friends. I will have to be civil to him for my children. I lived my life in Mills and Boons world as a teenager and always wanted a man in my life 💔 We have 2 beautifiul children. They dont know yet but he says the children will be fine knowing that he is trans and it wouldnt affect them. I am dreading for their mental health as it is going to be a double heartache for them knowing that we are seperating and their Dad doesn't feel like Dad anymore. Its all so weird and confusing for a child I think. 😕 Really I am weeping as I type and not ready for this change. 😪😪

Dear Angry Lioness, I want to congratulate you on finding us and deciding after six months that separation is best for you.
Would you read some advice? Do not be tempted to take any responsibility for where your husband is now. He is well supported by a website showing him his every move and what to say to you should you pass any comment deemed negative by his community. He is also urged to separate from anyone not fully supporting him.
I was shocked by my partner's teenage legs! By the time I caught up he was two years in on hormones.
Why should you turn yourself inside out to 'understand'? You may remain friendly but you have a life as a straight woman. Do you share children?

They create an entirely false version of themselves to get us to love them. That's what narcs do. I so agree with this.

And a lot of people say they are the same person after transition. But then say that taking female hormones changes the way they think and feel. So which is it?

One of my friends ex wrote on his X feed that he used to tell everyone that he was going to be the same person after transition but that he lied and he feels like a totally different person. He put up laughing emojis and had a bunch of his TIM friends commenting on how true and hilarious all of it is.

As for my ex, he was taking low doses of estrogen and T blockers behind my back. I didn't realize until 3 years after our divorce. We were in therapy and I was talking about how his libido had tanked and how he had all the signs of low testosterone and that I was worried for his health.

Our therapist suggested he get his Testosterone tested and his immediate response was "I don't want it to change my personality." We were both confused and asked what he was talking about and he said "testosterone replacement".

He also made several comments about that when we went to get the results of his test (I went with him because I knew he was being weird about it and I couldn't figure out what was going on.) When she told him, a 36 year old man, that he had the testosterone level of an 80 year old, he wasn't worried or surprised. He didn't ask what was wrong with him. All he said was "I don't want it to change my personal ity."

So clearly he thought these low doses of estrogen and testosterone blockers were changing his personality in some way. He kept the levels low enough that he still produced sem3n and he had minor breast development that looked like small moobs from being a bit over weight.

They know this changes them. That's why they do it.

I feel guilty for not supporting him and want so much for things to go back like they were. Its moved so quickly its unbelievable. From coming out (finding out!) to he wanting to put makeup on and long hair with long nails etc. He is a clever person and has never shown any kind of such fetish behaviour in our relationship ever. So I am stumpped at all this. He is going through lot of guilt and shame but at the same time cannot stop himself to dress and present himself as a woman going forward. I can see our breakdown of relationship is troubling him immensely too and not something he wants either. So just torn between all this 💔 😞 😪

The film is so moving and raw. It's exceptionally brave (a word heavily overused by the trans lobby) as are transwidows and their children.
Lioness there is often a timing issue too. This has been a recent bombshell for you, but for him it will be progress on a very long-term Project Me. My ex was coldly unsympathetic to my distress and that of his children, partly because he was a self-absorbed person prior to this, but also because he had planned, networked and led a secret life for years before. It's the worst thing that happened in my life, but many here will testify that there is peace down the road for you.

No he hasn't come out. Just close family and and his other trans friends know about it.

I'm afraid @TheAngryLioness the escalation you mention and the accusations of not being accepting seem very common in our situation. It really is such a difficult thing for us to process but seemingly as they have been 'struggling with their own journey' none of our possible difficulties seem to get a look in. Has he 'come out' wider than to just you? Have you looked into/are you aware of autogynephelia?

The link doesn't work :(

Hey thank you for asking. I m just lost and kind of still grappling with the reality that it is actually happening. I found out in January just after new years and he said he will be a man and will not go any further and come April, say he wants to go through hrt. Enrolled himself on the gender affirming care, told me he has a new name and now we have decided to seperate. He says i dont love him completely and accept for what he is and I am a transphobe so wouldnt stay with him. I mean all was ok until new year and with this declarations suddenly he wants me to accept all this. No time given even to sink all this in. :( sorry moan over xx

Hi @TheAngryLioness how are you doing? Silly q apologies but how can we help - do vent! X

@TinselAngel please could you post the link again. I am from UK and would like to know what the law and if there is anything in divorce that would help it make easy for me to seperate.

Hello. I am.a newbie to mumsnet and latest woman having her husband come out as trans! Here to have some emotional support from this recent ish discovery and dealing with the mountain of uncertainty.

In terms of how I would describe it to people I would say that under the circumstances you should do it however you feel works best for you. Here annulments are far more rare than divorce and so for me if I had been able to do that and wanted to do it, saying I had an annulment would raise more questions than a divorce to people who didn't know my circumstances. I do totally get your sentiment though, the marriage was under false pretences from the start whilst people can feel like a divorce marks more of a personal failure. You haven't failed. You've survived. But you should do what works for you as having to explain this stuff when it comes up and living with everyone in my social circle and local community knowing about it is like a weight on my back 24/7 to be honest.

Firstly, a very warm welcome to the group that none of us ever wanted to be in. So unfortunately I'm getting an error message for the website at the moment although I have used it in the past. I will be forever grateful for finding this group and these resources back in Jan 2023 which played a large part in giving my head a shake.

My understanding is that the spousal exit clause is primarily aimed at those for whom religious observance would place them in a contradictory position via a marriage of this nature with their religious beliefs (although very happy to be corrected and as mentioned I haven't checked the wording, but I remember thinking this did not apply to my circumstances under the eyes of the law).

The thing that was my true epiphany was looking into the GRC which I believe (again happy to be corrected) indicated that were my spouse to pursue it would mean that as part of concluding the process I would need to sign something legal to indicate my consent to changing to be married to the female named version of my spouse and therefore be registered in a same sex marriage.

Clearly I have no opposition to the principle of this should others be content to pursue it but it was the moment for me that said.. this is absolute insanity and to sign that piece of paper would undermine me entirely. This was after years of keeping his ever more significant secret and the death of our relationship by a thousand tiny cuts leading up to him coming out fully eventually. Six months later I found this community.

The usual grounds for annulment is that the recognition of a heterosexual marriage was not met. This is corroborated if the spouse subsequently identifies as the same gender or more helpfully transitions.
I have never heard of financial ramifications. Presumably you separate your property possibly taking in to account what you owned pre marriage. I would not expect the same considerations as in a divorce. Annulment really is social more than a divorce type framework.