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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected some slight concern from DH after being late home?

152 replies

Hellopopppies · 10/11/2026 18:25

Took our children to swimming after school and there was an accident and numerous road closures. As a result we’ve only just got back (swimming was 4-430 so very late.) I came in and said to DH ‘oh don’t worry we were all fine!’ He said ‘huh? Well you’re always off out somewhere’ which annoyed me, it made it sound like I was off on a jolly! AIBU? I did message him but he never looks at his phone.

OP posts:
Cora0 · 10/11/2026 18:32

It’s a bit rubbish that he didn’t wonder where his wife and children were and if everything was alright. You say he never looks at his phone, which is strange for a parent. Is he typically disconnected from you and the children?

However you will inevitably receive responses telling you that you are very unreasonable and that their husbands didn’t notice that they were gone for a week. Or that their husbands regularly disappear for three days and they’ve never once been concerned.

Original poster
Hellopopppies · 10/11/2026 18:35

It just annoys me as it’s as if he doesn’t have to think about anything as I’m on it. So it makes me feel invisible and like I don’t matter.

OP posts:
86newnameagain · 10/11/2026 18:36

Maybe he just assumed you went to the supermarket or something?

Arlanymor · 10/11/2026 18:37

He presumed you were a capable person and would have contacted him if there was an issue? ETA: And sounds like you didn’t alert him. So…

LiberteLynx · 10/11/2026 18:39

I would not call it very late, maybe an hour and a half late?

TY78910 · 10/11/2026 18:39

So you got home 2h after your ETA? Should’ve rung the police!

FrauPaige · 10/11/2026 18:39

Yet he may be labeled as controlling or coercive if he asked you where you were and closely monitored your movements, and would be viewed negatively if he was glued to his phone all the time, constantly scrolling through social media. Be careful what you wish for.

Original poster
Hellopopppies · 10/11/2026 18:40

Arlanymor · 10/11/2026 18:37

He presumed you were a capable person and would have contacted him if there was an issue? ETA: And sounds like you didn’t alert him. So…

Edited

If I had contacted him I wouldn’t have been able to, though. I suppose that’s what’s annoying: I was stuck in traffic for ages with two fretful kids on a dark misty night and while I did message him he didn’t see the message, didn’t look at his phone to check we were OK, if I had needed help I wouldn’t have been able to get hold of him.

OP posts:
LiberteLynx · 10/11/2026 18:40

Hellopopppies · 10/11/2026 18:35

It just annoys me as it’s as if he doesn’t have to think about anything as I’m on it. So it makes me feel invisible and like I don’t matter.

It means he completely trusts you. Would you rather have a controlling DH that jumps you the second you get in with google maps times and demanding to know where you went between swimming and home?

LiberteLynx · 10/11/2026 18:41

Hellopopppies · 10/11/2026 18:40

If I had contacted him I wouldn’t have been able to, though. I suppose that’s what’s annoying: I was stuck in traffic for ages with two fretful kids on a dark misty night and while I did message him he didn’t see the message, didn’t look at his phone to check we were OK, if I had needed help I wouldn’t have been able to get hold of him.

Show quote history

How so? He is deaf and so you could not phone him?

Bunnybigears · 10/11/2026 18:41

DH is like this. Unless something is happening right in front of his face and preferably at loud volume and with flashing lights he is oblivious. So the absence of someone when they were meant to be absent anyway I.e at swimming wouldn't register until it became obvious to him. It's up to you how much this bothers you and wether it's a deal breaker. My DH has enough other qualities that it's just a minor inconvenience and I work around it. I never message him if I need to tell him something either as looking at this phone isn't really on his radar. If I need him I ring him.

Original poster
Hellopopppies · 10/11/2026 18:42

I don’t think it’s to do with trust as much as enjoying the peace, which is fine but actually I could have done with some help, even if that was just starting the dinner. As it was I then had to start everything from scratch. It’s annoying.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/11/2026 18:42

They get out of the pool at 4:30? So not even 2 hours before you were home, I would have assumed traffic was bad and not started worrying just yet

LiberteLynx · 10/11/2026 18:42

Hellopopppies · 10/11/2026 18:42

I don’t think it’s to do with trust as much as enjoying the peace, which is fine but actually I could have done with some help, even if that was just starting the dinner. As it was I then had to start everything from scratch. It’s annoying.

So why didn’t you hands free call him and ask him to get dinner going?

Arlanymor · 10/11/2026 18:45

Hellopopppies · 10/11/2026 18:40

If I had contacted him I wouldn’t have been able to, though. I suppose that’s what’s annoying: I was stuck in traffic for ages with two fretful kids on a dark misty night and while I did message him he didn’t see the message, didn’t look at his phone to check we were OK, if I had needed help I wouldn’t have been able to get hold of him.

Show quote history

Sorry, start again. You start by saying you didn’t contact him and then later you say you did! So you messaged and he didn’t see it? But you were all fine. Just a bit late. Traffic is annoying, mist is annoying, roadworks/road closures are annoying. But everyone is fine aren’t they? Would it be better if he had worked himself up into a frenzy and called everyone you know? He knows you are a capable person, he trusted you to bring the kids home safe. It was not that much over an hour and a half delay. I think you are tired, fraught and looking for somewhere to be cross. Don’t put it on him. He thought you were delayed, you were, and everything is fine.

FurbySaysYummmm · 10/11/2026 18:45

I wouldn't worry about my husband being late home. If there was an emergency or accident or something that would delay them for a while I would assume he would call and I can't quite understand why you didn't?

Dutch1e · 10/11/2026 18:45

YANBU.

I hate being chased up but my husband still risks my grumpiness to call/message and see if everything is ok.

It's a ten second phonecall that shows you're tuned in to your family's daily life, which is one of the wee building blocks of love.

Echobelly · 10/11/2026 18:46

TBH, my DH just has zero time awareness. I'll sometimes be back late from something and think 'Oh I hope there's not some reason me being late will have inconvenienced him' and I don't think he's ever actually noticed I'm not back at the usual time. I mean, he would noticed if it was really concerningly long, but not less than that!

sittingonabeach · 10/11/2026 18:47

Why hadn't he started dinner?

nomas · 10/11/2026 18:48

Hellopopppies · 10/11/2026 18:35

It just annoys me as it’s as if he doesn’t have to think about anything as I’m on it. So it makes me feel invisible and like I don’t matter.

Sounds like he doesn’t do enough with the kids.

Can you take this as an opportunity to expect him to make changes?

user293948849167 · 10/11/2026 18:49

What time do you normally get home?
My DH wouldn’t start worrying until much longer than 2 hours. He’d assume we had stopped at the supermarket or something.
But it is annoying that he didn’t think to start dinner

Arlanymor · 10/11/2026 18:49

Dutch1e · 10/11/2026 18:45

YANBU.

I hate being chased up but my husband still risks my grumpiness to call/message and see if everything is ok.

It's a ten second phonecall that shows you're tuned in to your family's daily life, which is one of the wee building blocks of love.

Respecting the fact that other people can navigate the world without the need for a check in is also one of the building blocks of life. I hate being patronised.

Original poster
Hellopopppies · 10/11/2026 18:50

LiberteLynx · 10/11/2026 18:42

So why didn’t you hands free call him and ask him to get dinner going?

Show quote history

He doesn’t answer, he never looks at the phone. I don’t have hands free in my car actually (it’s an old model) but wouldn’t have helped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellopopppies · 10/11/2026 18:51

Echobelly · 10/11/2026 18:46

TBH, my DH just has zero time awareness. I'll sometimes be back late from something and think 'Oh I hope there's not some reason me being late will have inconvenienced him' and I don't think he's ever actually noticed I'm not back at the usual time. I mean, he would noticed if it was really concerningly long, but not less than that!

I sometimes wonder if I was abducted how long it would take him to actually notice! I joke about it but does get me down a bit. Like if I actually died I’m not sure he’d notice until a child made him aware!

OP posts:
HalftimeDaisy · 10/11/2026 18:51

You've described three different reasons you're upset: he wasn't concerned, its because the mental load of being on top of everyone/everything falls to you, he could have started dinner and didn't.

Are you generally feeling bogged down and looking for a reason to vent your frustration? I think its worth looking at the behaviour you think is missing and then address it with him otherwise it'll be a conversation around exactly how late you were and whether or not you should have called him.