To reflect, post Russell Brand etc., on things I put up with from men but now don't know why

I'm late 40s. The following all seemed pretty un-noteworthy in the 90s:

Aged 14, my "boyfriend" was 21. I told him I had a pact with my friend that neither of us would have sex until we were 15. He repeatedly would ask me if I wanted to break my pact.

Aged 14 (again) an 18 year old in my village would pull up at my school bus stop and give me a lift home, whilst he'd repeatedly put his hand up my skirt.

Aged 16, my 27 year old boss at my Saturday job would put me on the late rota and then follow me up to the staff changing rooms and walk in on me changing after closing.

Same boss would rub against me in the store rooms, and make comments like "can you check the sell by dates, rotate stock, and when you've finished that sit on my cock".

Aged 17 when I left that job a married man in his 40s wrote "get your tits out for the lads" on my leaving card - everyone could see what he'd written, there was no shame.

Aged 18, at uni, I received a stream of explicit emails from another student. I reported him and was told by the master of our college "sexual matters should never come into the public domain, why are you telling me this?" When I spoke to my mum about it she told me not to take it further and that I should see the emails as flattery.

As an adult I went on to have an extremely abusive relationship from the ages of 22 - 25. But thought that it was within the realms of normal.

I was thinking about this. I put up with so much harassment in the 90's and was quite vulnerable as I someone later diagnosed as neurodiverse. So much was overlooked including a whole group of men who took three hour, boozy lunches. I'd dread the 'Handsy banter' when they came back. I'd get more and more uptight, the longer they were out, knowing I'd have to be 'a good sport' and make the coffee when they got back, to help them sober up before the drive home.

On the one occasion I did speak up, the whole department (men and women) sent me to coventry. I was so pleased when I went on maternity leave and was releived never to have to go back. I do wonder if there are som uncomfortable men thinking back on their behaviour, but somehow I doubt it. I still have dreams about having to go back, twenty plus years on.

so many:
Being called frigid if I said no to a date
Called a lesbian if I said no
Coercive behaviour to enable anal sex

I was also gropped by my male GP when I was 17 I went to him as I had glandular fever and my parents couldn’t come with me - he insisted it was a good time to teach me about my breasts and to take my top off - no man or boy had ever touched me before and he gropped both breasts and touched they and pinched the ends and said they were lovely and pert and nice nipples. I was frozen in fear this was a man my parents respected and who had delivered me as a baby. When the practice moved it was open by him and has a plaque to him as you go in and it makes me cry inside every single time to I walk in and look at it. Who can I tell 30 years later what he did?

I do this sometimes, when it’s too much. It helps. Look after yourself

I listened to a man calling into a radio show and complaining about how this puts so many men at risk. I just thought “how many of you fuckers have raped someone”. And then I was delighted that there a bunch of arseholes lying awake at night worrying that what they did will come back to haunt them. They know they do it, you can’t accidentally sexually assault someone, they count on women being scared and other men covering for them.

I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t experienced some sort of sexual assault, I hope the world is a bit better when mines out there on her own. It fucking terrifies me.

I am feeling really worn down by the last few days. Just the grimness of it. Life is a hard road for all females. And shows no sign of getting better.

I need to avoid MNet and other forums and the news for a bit.

DS can't sleep thinking his younger DDs will eventually experience something horrid to them (even though they already have). That I'm scared for DDs as well. That his wife will eventually have a story to tell. That life just is a bit shit for a woman.

My DS25 can't sleep at night thinking about this. He feels physically sick and can't sleep thinking about his disgusting and horrid the world is.

Marina Hyde's email on DW has just come out and this seems relevant here-

"Near the end of the ITV documentary that forms part of the broadcaster’s joint investigation with The Guardian into alleged behaviour towards young women and girls by David Walliams, one of the women who came forward says something so arresting. She says: “I want to do it to protect my younger self.”
Watching her in silhouette, I thought it was hard to think of a more devastating phrasing – the impossibility of it, the heartbreak of it, the tragedy of time that can’t be reclaimed. But also, the bravery of it. The bravery of recounting it all, and saying the next thing she said, which was: “I want to do it to protect future people”.
Sometimes it feels as if women’s journeys are a particularly grim version of that thing when you think of exactly the right riposte to someone who put you down - only two weeks after the moment it happened. This, but for understanding and finding the words for why something that happened to you was so wrong - only many, many years after it happened, and has already wreaked the damage. And, as many of the women were at pains to place on record, continues to wreak the damage.
When you are older, you find words like “grooming”, “abuse of power”, and “assault”. Yet these are unfortunately not the words that tend to come to girls, who, in this documentary, say they were as young as 15 when they encountered David Walliams, who was more than twice their age at the time, and very famous. In fact, several of the women described their younger selves reacting to his alleged advances by “not having the words” or “going silent”..."

Like most of you I've had a large number of gropes, comments etc.
The worst ones were:

Aged 14 at school in the swimming pool being grabbed from behind around my breasts by an older boy, aged maybe 17. Mixed swimming classes. I had a constant painted on Veruka for the rest of my school swimming classes and a forged note from my mum. I still can't stand swimming pools.

Next, aged 16 working after school and over the holidays a man who was in his 40's would follow me round, lick his lips and say " I bet she bucks like a whippet". I had no idea at the time what that meant but I was terrified of him.

In my 30's I was grabbed and shoved by a male colleague and hustled into a nearby cupboard. I was carrying lots of folders and couldn't immediately shove him off. I dropped the folders and swore at him like a trooper. I told my husband about it but we decided not to report it as the man had a wife and three kids and would have lost his job.

I have always worn clothes that cover me from neck to ankle. I do not like the attention and stay away from men as much as I can.

With everything that’s been in the news lately, the Cornell 7, Gisèle Pelicot and Amanda Stanhope (both being drugged and raped by their partners), and the rape academy, it just all makes me feel very sick. I’m also annoyed at myself for all the times that I’ve kept silent and not spoken up. I was so naive.

I totally agree OP. I’m in my late 40s and have had groping in clubs, by male friends, comments on my body and underwear by chefs in their 30s when I was waitressing aged 16/17. In my 20s at work married men “misunderstanding” my politeness and “be kind” training as interest and trying to manipulate me into relationships with them. A sexual assault by a male receptionist who had access to my room abroad. Then the thinner end of the wedge - endless comments on my appearance, Guiting into sex or sulking if they don’t get enough etcetc. I could go on and on. It seems to have slowed whether due to my age or the fact I go out less. Thank god! Plus I work (mostly) with a small group of lovely women now.

Listening to Rylan and Sally Traffic on his radio show on Saturday and they mentioned page 3 and how normal it felt at the time. Rylan said he didn’t have a problem with it, the women were earning. Massively gone off him. Women and young girls reduced to wallpaper for oiks, not to mention how them doing it had repercussions for other women trying to work and be taken seriously. He has no skin in the game, he should keep his mouth shut.

NC for this. When I was working in a government office in early 2000s a senior manager literally just stuck his finger up my arse when I was sitting next to him at a work party. Under my skirt, down my tights and knickers. Unfortunately I was very drunk so I ended up getting off with him after further drinks when he let us into the building late at night. Fucking grim and not proud of that part of it, but he was a predator.

When I was a teenager my local pub had a yearly ‘golf day’. The men played golf and afterwards headed to said pub where they hired (I presume) young women to take turns to have sex with in view of each other . The barmaids served the men as on any working night. A couple of my then friends were the barmaids on shift and talked about that night as good for tips.

I feel for you. There is a really shitty thread running on how women put themselves at risk of rape on mn. Your story shows that even at work in a place that you would deem safe that women can be sexually assaulted.

I hope he was prosecuted.

Well the fact that it's an all male surgical team sort of evidences the point the PP you quoted was making. It's highly probable that there are no women in that team because of the patriarchal barriers they mentioned in their post, therefore leaving a spot, or more spots free in the team for men to benefit from.

Also, was 'prey' Freudian slip...?

I used to work with a man who really fancied himself-he could be very charming

His ideal date was a full length mirror

Anyway,it turns out he had some weird sexual tastes

No 1:midget porn ('closest I'll ever get to seeing kids have sex')

No 2:he loved to be all 'soft' and romantic then would 'change' and strangle the hell out of the woman

No 3:he would try it on with a young girl,get her pregnant,force her to abort and that turned him on (last i heard,he was on his 16th/17th abortion and this was a few years ago)

He wasn't fussy,he like his 'meat' (not my words) young but would try it on with any female in his orbit (single,married,young,old,barely above the age of consent-he wasn't fussy)

What did work do?

They could have taken it seriously and 'had a word' but they didn't,they laughed it off and gave the young women time off (unpaid) to 'trot off and go to the clinic,see you monday'

All us females would warn any new starters and go around in pairs to protect each other,often getting into trouble for two people going to do one job (he tried it on with me but ran off when dp showed up,hed innocently come to pick me up)

He did leave when a new (temporary) female manager started and did 'have a word' before putting him on nights with two other men (before this,it was a male manager and both where part of the 'old boys club')

He took offence and flounced,but he's still out there,still getting women pregnant and forcing abortions on them (it's understandable that a young woman of 16/17/18 doesn't want to bring up a baby by themselves)

This wasn't in 'the olden days' this was 2023/4 (when he finally fucked off and hes still out there,still up to his old tricks)

It was laughed off as 'Oh,that's just A being A'

Hes a charming but very dangerous man

my main reflection on all of this is that I accepted a lot of this shitty behaviour because my own self-esteem was on the floor and I had grown up in a household where everything came down to what a man would say, or how he would judge you, if you did something. So I grew up wanting to please and be wanted by a man and feeling lesser then. It's fatal. I have been raped and sexually assaulted by standards of today much more than once. I too liked the judges summation, but there's this 90s part of me that can't help but think 'christ, why did these women put themselves into these positions in the first place'. I'm glad girls today are starting to question it more, but Rochdale etc shows it is still rampant. As long as there are men in this world with aggressive sexual urges and women / girls who, for whatever reason, won't stand up to them this will happen.

You probably read on the back of a toilet door.

Young girl was run over by a bus. The fire brigade had to lift the bus off her. When I saw the X-Rays and scans her rib cage was just a bundled mass of broken bones. The rest was too difficult to see clearly, Jeeze how is she still alive ?. Week later she was talking to her parents. I spoke to the surgical team who worked on her. I know them. All men. I gave them a Curly Wurly each. It’s a private joke where we are because that’s all the thanks and recognition they got : apart from professional pride and saving an 18 year old student from certain death.

Who should they be apologising to for their fortunate misogyny, the cleaner ?.

You just prey men like this are there for you when you or your family need them.