To feel this way about my DM? (Trigger warning suicide attempt)

It’s okay for both of you to feel how you want. I think she knows deep down but is it worth pushing the point if her mother is dead now? Make memories worth remembering in the future together so she doesn’t live in the past.

It’s difficult when a family member has serious mental health issues (and I’m assuming that’s what her mother had) to separate it all out. Especially if at other times they were ‘loving’. She’s not seeing it quite as black and white as you. But I too would feel protective and feel exactly how you do.

It's hard to accept that the person who is supposed to love and protect you the most in life doesn't. She wants to see the best in her mother and as long as it's not doing her or anyone else any harm does it really matter?

Mu mother had the most horrible upbringing ( physical and emotional abuse)
She was kicked out/ glad to leave at 14 and get a job.

She was able to forgive and understand for 2 reasons though:

1. They were absolutely loving grandparents.
2. My grandmother had the most terrible ptsd ( growing up during the war). My mum always had a lot of pity and understanding for her and I have too. I don't know what I would have become if I had to go through such a hell.

Love for your parent is pretty much automatic, which is what makes parental child abuse so awful. It's also the reason I get very annoyed with my friends when they act like their relationship with their child is 50/50 - it never is. The parent/child bond is like no other and the child is always in a weaker, more vulnerable position than the parent, always.

Your DM can't help the way she feels. All you can do is support her as best you can.

Your mums feelings about her mum are hers to own, she’s found a way of dealing with her experiences - it may not be your way but that’s ok. I think sometimes it would be better for people’s general health if they were able to come to a place of acceptance because some things just can’t be resolved and constantly trying to make sense of it leaves you stuck.

You don’t want anything to do with that generation, which is your choice. How your mum relates to the same generation is hers. Do you honestly think she would be better off holding on to anger and bitterness?

Your GM does sound awful, but its easy to be objective when you are not emotionally entrenched, and it sounds like your mum very much was, as you said the GM was manipulative.

I strongly disagree with your statement that "Love for your parent is pretty much automatic". I had no love for either of my parents and always knew that they had no love for me. Lifelong depression and no self esteem have been the results.

My stepsister is still looking after her awful mother (who is still a drunk in her 80s and now able to make herself out to be a victim of her dead drunk husband) because, as she says, she only has one mother. I wouldn’t volunteer to do it but who can argue with your love for your own mother?

I don’t know what your relationship with your mother is like but you can have your own views and she can have hers, this is an area where you can agree to disagree.

No one could blame you for being reluctant to discuss these people if she is hoping she can persuade you to agree with her, but she may be trying to come to terms with her own feelings about what sounds like a tough upbringing. What’s to be gained by insisting that yours is the correct version?

Perfectly reasonable to say to her that maybe it’s something she should discuss with other people as she already knows your thoughts on the subject.

But she isn’t indifferent, and she will have all kinds of societal messages about family, and a mother’s love and what that means that will be different to yours. It’s ok that you recognise her mums behaviour towards her as abuse, and that you have your feelings about it but she needs to live with the impact on her, and it sounds like that’s what she’s doing.

Your experience of your paternal grandparent is different to her observation of the same relationship - you both will have different feelings about that and neither are objectively right. Can you accept your mum for who she is, and recognise she doesn’t need to feel the way you do? There’s no one right way to feel about parental abuse, and no one way to healing.

You can't change her feelings and it's pointless to try. My maternal grandmother was a spectacularly awful person unhappily married off to a man with serious MH problems because she was pregnant (presumably by someone else), but my mother can't accept that about either parent.

She can't accept that there are consequences for people's behaviour. She'd be utterly horrified to know that my sister and I were straightforwardly delighted when our grandmother died, because in her particular delusional world, you love your parents, no matter what they do, and you expect your children to love them, no matter what they do or say to your children.

It's very unusual for a baby/toddler not to love their parents, even if those parents reject them. As the child grows barriers may go up, but that doesn't stop the fundamental need that a child has for that connection.

I can see you care and are trying to understand a complicated relationship however I don’t think you should be your mother’s counsellor.
It’s not up to you how she thinks or feels.
Perhaps you need to seek help for yourself and your need to dictate/control your mum’s feelings is telling you this?

Can you find some positives out of this that at least your mum isn’t traumatised to the point of anger, hatred and not being able to function?

My father’s mother was awful (not quite like yours) and I had very little to do with her. My moto was that nasty young people grow up to be nasty old people and I’m not entertaining it. My dad saw it but not as clearly. Maybe it’s easier if you’re more removed from it. Much like any abusive relationship.

Hope your mum can get on with her life with you and your family.

My view is that these feelings that develop as a result of abuse are not rational and if she feels she was orphaned you can't just make her feel otherwise. It sounds like she's been subject to abuse her whole life and is likely quite tramatised. It's probably quite hard work to support, but I don't think you can judge her for feeling the way she did.

I think when she speaks about her mum its best if don't offer an opinion or argue, just use reflective responses "sounds like you admired her work ethic" "Glad that was a good memory" "Yes, I can see you're sad about that" etc. Because there is WAY too much to unpick for a non trained family member with their own issues with the person, and by pushing her to see the truth you are only hurting her.
I think your priority should be your own feelings about how you feel your mum failed you. I hope when you get to speak to someone it helps.