Family lunch with only one child

You just say, ah I didn't know we had plans as a family, I'll take DS out Sunday instead.

Of course you're unreasonable. You've chosen to do something with your son. Your husband has chosen to do something with his family. He shouldn't be restricted to only seeing his family when your son is there.

I understand where you are coming from.OP.
I think you should take DS along to this family meal and rearrange your lunch with him for another day.

What would you like them to do instead? Sit around waiting for your return?

chances are that your son will get a lot more attention growing up then your daughter will let them have this moment

Its fine, it’s easier with one child regardless of their needs. Chill.

This is so incredibly daft. You’ve chosen to take DS out alone without DD, and are upset he’s doing the same with DD. Why can you exclude a child but he can’t see his family with the other child while you are doing so? There’s nothing wrong with taking DS out alone either, I’m using ‘exclude’ as you’ve used it.

And 3 year olds don’t typically even enjoy meals out with family, where as a baby won’t care. So it makes total sense

If this is just one lunch then you are catastrophising.

You have said you want you son the get a lot of one to one attention beciase he is jealous of his sister. If your husband refuses to spend time with his son then that will become an issue, but one instance of taking his daughter to lunch when his son is enjoying one to one time with you is surely okay?

Read up on the glass child - balancing between the two will be challenging. It is more likely your daughter will get less parental attention than your son over the years.

If this is just one lunch then you are catastrophising.

You have said you want you son the get a lot of one to one attention beciase he is jealous of his sister. If your husband refuses to spend time with his son then that will become an issue, but one instance of taking his daughter to lunch when his son is enjoying one to one time with you is surely okay?

Read up on the glass child - balancing between the two will be challenging. It is more likely your daughter will get less parental attention than your son over the years.

I think choosing the one afternoon DS will be elsewhere to go for a family meal isn’t right, he should be included.

Maybe this sort of pandering is the problem.

I have 3 years between all three of my DC and they never displayed any kind of jealousy towards each other, let alone a baby.

But if he's being raised to think he has to be constantly included in everything, it's bound to cause problems.

However, I'd lay money on you caring more than him.

YABU because you'v already got a lovely day planned for DS. A meal out in a large group (rather than just the two of you) is likely to be overwhelming for a preschool child with additional needs.

It's great that your instinct is to advocate for your son, but I don't think this is an occasion he needs you as a cheerleader.

Yeah, you're being insanely unreasonable!

What three year old wants to go out for lunch with a bunch of adults?! This is ideal planning. Your DS gets to do something fun with you and DH can see his family with the baby who is too young to care where she is. It's perfect!

When I read your thread title/first few liens I thought this was going to be the opposite and you were upset that your possibly autistic DS was being forced to sit through a family lunch!!

He won’t even know he’s not included, he’s 3.

You can’t say that you need to do things separately with each child then complain when your DH does exactly that.

Glad you realised Yabu. Sounds like you’re just atresssd out about ds which is understandable. Enjoy your day out.

Lone voice here, but I think you have a point OP (although I realise that you now think YABU). Given that your DS is jealous of the baby, taking her out to lunch with the family, GPs etc - which DS might see as a big/special thing - is only going to add to the feelings of jealousy, not mitigate them. You mentioned that it felt deliberate to you. Are you worried that DH might have chosen not to involve DS because of his autism and any behaviour issues that come from this? 1:1 time with each makes sense, but if it feels like every time he gets 1:1 time witha parent, the other parent and DD do something even better without him, he's naturally going to feel jealous.

He’s 3. He isn’t going to notice. He’s just going to know he’s had a fun day with his mum.

So basically DP is scared of having to look after DD all by himself and has asked his family out to lunch so he has some help?

Surely he chose that time specifically because you wanted to go out with DS alone?
Its a bit rich to say ‘me and DS are going out for the afternoon but you and DD must stay at home and absolutely must not make plans without us!’

I get why it feels pointed, but I'd say adult going out for dinner with one baby is very different to adults going out for dinner with a baby and a toddler

he isn't missing out on something life affirming. the baby isn't going to come back and show off. he is going to get mommy time and that's far more fun than trying to sit still and behave at dinner with a load of adults

of you go out with one kid, I don't think it's reasonable to control what dh is allowed to do with the other kid. make sure DH also has his turn of taking out DS and do something nice with dd

of he can have a nice grown up dinner with his family with one baby to look after instead of a preschooler, which is imminently more relaxing regardless of who the 3 yo is

he's 3, they hardly need to announce to him their plans. it isn't fair that DD must stay with and not do anything fun, especially as she gets older, in case her DB wants to do it too.

I thought it was just me who thought this might be the case.

I don't think it matters on this one occasion though. I think OP will need to work hard to ensure that, although the eldest may need parenting differently, that doesn't mean more favourably. If he will be getting one on one days out her daughter will need those too.

Your feelings are understandable, especially when your eldest needs reassurance and dedicated attention during such a significant family transition. Open communication and making both children feel equally included and valued are essential.

I'd bet a 3yo would be glad to miss a lunch sat with grown ups !