Avoid mother-in-law’s funeral?

Sorry to hear that @Notagainagaindd
I cannot believe the list of chores you've got landed with, including writing the funeral brochure.
I've only just seen your post, so you may have already attended. If so I hope it went more smoothly than expected.
But I do think its worth asking after the funeral his GP or Age Concern what extra support you could get for FIL... and then start telling them to contact your DH and SIL.

You are probably under a lot of stress. and when you get back start prioritising yourself. Is there anyway you can take a weekend break away somewhere. visit your own family/firends and leave them all to get on with it.. Take days off at the weekend for eg. Carve out some time for self care. Wishing you all the best xx

put the bedding for SIL in law in the wash - she’s arriving tomorrow

Your response should have been "you fucking do it, she's your sister - I'm not the fucking maid "

Start to say no, they wont stop. I dont understand why youre not angry

This is what people have tried to tell you from the beginning. You can either continue to martyr yourself or put boundaries in place. Nobody else will do it for you. How your husband sorts this without you is not your problem to solve unless you make it so. It also doesn't have to be an all or nothing but you are allowed to enjoy your life and breathe. You are the one allowing this to happen to yourself. I would not go to the funeral. I would use the time to recuperate and put a plan in place on what you are willingly going to help and support your FIL with and what your DH will need to find another solution to.

Haven’t you told SiL yet that her staying is the perfect opportunity to help out and care for her Dad for a bit … ?

thats horrendous - I've just flown overnight to attend ex MIL's funeral after divorcing 18 years ago. I did it to support my adult DD

I think sil staying for a week beforehand. bringing her chaos... makes things extra difficult. Are there any ruses you can use to make this less ardous. Take the DC on playdates after school.. etc.
You don't have to entertain her. Insist that there are meals out. Order in takeaways. YOU ARE NOT A HOTEL.. say so quite bluntly.

If she's staying with you, get DH to ask if she can take over some of your duties with FIL. Whilst you go out for the day and leave them to it.

It's hard going to funerals when you've already lost close people. Only natural it should bring it up. Have you got anyone you can talk to about this? Are there any berevement helplines? Or perhaps a counsellor... It might really help you to feel heard.

Maybe its a good idea to make some plans for things you could do after this... perhaps FIL could have a week in respite... to give you and DH a break.

It's a difficult time, but once its done its done. Fingers crossed for you x

YANBU to refuse to go, OP. Pretty sure you're the poster who was progressively pushed into being the main carer for FiL even though you didn't really want to be, but the standard of care you DH would provide was heartbreaking and you were too kind to put the hard boundaries in place that would have given you the freedom you wanted. You posted a couple of threads at the time?

In any case, your DH appears to lean on you for emotional support while providing you with very little. Are you supposed to be working the day of the funeral? Even if not, and especially given he has SiL with him (he can put her on the insurance for the trip), I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to further open the wound of his lack of support for you over your mother's death.

Agreed.

I'd try to go by train or fly and then hire a car (even if they all say its too expensive- that's when I would refuse to go!) because if FIL has dementia that is a LONG journey for him. Are you all going to stay overnight? They need to think this through in terms of someone who has dementia and likes routine or can get disregulated.
Its only natural that this will bring up emotions about your DM's funeral.. but generally funerals are just a fairly serious ceremony, and then an extended gathering.. which is usually just a crowd of people who haven't all met up for a while, saying the same general stuff. Walking in the grounds to get fresh air if it all gets too much, will be a good idea. The anticipation is almost always worse than the actual event.

When you get back, have the talk with DH about what to do with FIL.
When you have this talk, I'd be considering the following

• This situation is costing you money in lost and un-compensated for salary and also time that could be spent elsewhere and that impacts what care YOU will be able to afford when you are as old as FIL.
• Did you choose to work part time for a different reason? If it was for a different reason, then has that gone by the wayside?
• You are giving up a full time salary, impacting your career, lesser National insurance contributions, not paying as much into your private pension etc.. no free time.

That is fine if it is something you CHOSE to do, but not if it was just imposed on you without anyone considering your needs.

What practical help has been organised for you to assist you with caring for him?
Or has it all been left up to you? Do you have a cleaner, or other help to take over things you previously had time for? a carers allowance, or any other help to lessen this burden or does it all fall on you. Dementia is a progressive disease. How long do they envisage the situation continuing. What plans have the two of them got for managing his condition in the future. Maybe its not such a bad idea for them to have two 8 hour journeys and an event to attend with him... they will see how much you do and also its probably more focussed time for them to understand his condition (which people often don't want to really acknowledge and want to pretend that everything is OK, or not that bad)
Perhaps you might want to talk to Age Concern for advice on what support you can get for FIL. But then again. Maybe your DH and SIL should be doing that!
Hope you find a way to do this that works for you @Notagainagaindd Best wishes

Yes I realised it was the mother in law's funeral after I posted.

The man she cares for will be in the car. It's the mothers funeral.

Sorry, its the MILs funeral but why would the drive be so far?

Eight hour drive for a funeral of a man you cared for? Did you do that drive every day?

That changes everything.

Don't go. You're doing more than enough by caring for his father.

Driving him is a good compromise. Drive him, be pleasant, and do your own thing.

Can FIL cope with the drive. My DM has dementia there is no way she could cope with that journey

The poor husband who thinks OP should be the carer for FIL. Who didn't go to OP's mum's funeral

With everything you said I would sit this one out. You're meant to be driving and most likely looking after FIL the whole time. I would feel very used in your shoes. Your husband is supported by his family and there will be more friends and family at the funeral. I would let them sort it between them and use the time to recuperate and decide how you want your life to look like going forward.

So is this a tit for tat situation? I'm sorry your DH wasn't there to support you when your mum died, but having to work is different than just not wanting to.

Op, I am angry for you. Your husband refused to support you when your own mum died, but now, not only expect to you to care for his father, but expects you to help him drive to the other end of the country , to bury his toxic mother.

Of course he should deal with any poo in pants - he should be doing that at any time, rather than leaving it to his wife.

I get that, for your own self respect, sharing the drive is the right thing to do. But once that’s behind you, please consider counselling, for yourself, as to why you put up with this .

Trust me, I too am married to a man whose childhood was damaged by a narc mother and a father who turned a blind eye, but I do not remain silent when his past trauma threatens his current family.

Wishing you inner strength abd peace as you navigate this.

I can completely understand why you don't want to go OP. It sounds like your relationship with your ILs isn't great and from your replies maybe your marriage has issues as well. Personally I think the fact your DH didn't go to your DM funeral should have made you take a massive step back in ever helping with my your in laws, and even your marriage. I don't think I could have stayed married to my DH if he had done this when my mother died (unless there are extenuating circumstances somehow). Sounds like you give a lot, do you get anything positive from your marraige?

In saying the above, generally I would say a funeral isn't the time to put your foot down about feeling taken advantage of. If you can, go and be there for your DH even he couldn't do it for you.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to hear about your MIL's death and the stress of the funeral. I'm posting to say I hope you are getting Carer's Allowance for looking after your FIL, and that I think you definitely need to have a family conversation about what's going to happen when he gets worse.

I'm saying this as someone who looked after my own FIL with dementia. For some time, it was fairly straightforward - cooking, light cleaning, and answering 500 questions/providing reassurance. Once he became doubly incontinent, that was a step I couldn't deal with. We wound up employing carers. The house often reeked of bodily fluids. Dementia is a cruel disease and one that can't be borne alone. Don't let anyone say "oh, it's just a few extra hours..." it's HARD WORK especially when they start sundowning. Sorry don't mean to be a downer here at all, I just found our situation terribly difficult and my inlaws were not toxic at all, would hate to see you undervalue yourself because your family expects you to take up the increasing burden of care that should never fall on one set of shoulders.

I completely get where you're coming from - my daughter's father died and I really didn't want to go to the funeral because, quite frankly, he was a prick and we didn't get close to his family. It was fairly excruciating, but I did go to support my daughter.

Much as it's going to be an unpleasant experience for you I think you should go to support your husband.

Well in a black and white way of thinking that's true. But life isn't black and white. There isn't a switch that flips at adulthood which blocks our emotional responses which are conditioned through abuse because we now have greater responsibility, impulse control, knowledge etc. And we all carry our (damaged) child version of ourselves through life. The early years shape how we interpret and interact with the world. Unlearning what we learned to be true in childhood is hard work. The adult with the ACEs that continue to affect them would be responsible for taking steps to work through their issues. That's done in therapy. The people around them can stay or leave as they wish.