It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

He didn't check that she actually was attending a sleepover. That's neglect.

This is good advice. You seem to be asking others if you should feel the way you do. I think you have every right to feel this way. I think cleaning up so much is probably very daunting for a 15 year old. Does she help in the house anyway? I think you sit down and agree to discuss this in detail ideally with her dad present too ideally in the house so he can see the mess. Get on the same page about what needs to happen. She needs to be grounded and phone taken away for a while. She needs to be cleaning and scrubbing (perhaps with her friends). She should be working out how she can pay for some of this too. I’m shocked at the level of damage. Some people have just turned up with the deliberate intention to cause damage and wreck the place. Is there any chance to getting your stolen property back? Local pawn shops? Are the police involved or just took your daughter back to her fathers? All the best. I hope you get sorted. Extra stress you don’t need when you’re income is lower too!

I think at this age they are naive and just want to be cool. DD1 was very contrite...and we can laugh about it now....kind of...

Oh OP i feel your pain. We had this when DD1 was 16 except I was actually in the house with my younger DD2. It got out of hand very very quickly and was pretty scary trying to get them to leave. Lots of older (adult) men!
The police after they threatened to charge me with public unrest told me once its out on social media, the predators come out, drug dealers, looking for younger drunk girls.
TBH it took years for me to really get over it. As well as DD2. There has never been another party in my house, DD1 is now 25.

I’d be confiscating the phone and grounding her without giving her an end date. Most people can keep up a facade for a set period of time, but true colours will start to shine through after a week or two, so you can make a judgement about her sincerity and learning through consequences. I would also ensure she talks to the friends she invited, as they need to cough up £££ too.

I really feel for you, especially after the month you’ve had. I hope you can restore normality to your home and life soon.

It happens. I would be livid, so angry, it would be a long time before I could even think of forgiving her.
Very disrespectful and sly.

If she was in his care, an underage child, then of course it's his fault!

Why is her dad responsible, she lied to him too, he obviously didn't know that she was having a party at her DM' house, but on MN it got to be the man's fault !

She would be working every last bit of paying off all cleaning and damages (and putting in the graft to put anything right she could conceivably do herself). She would also be giving me back all keys to the house until she could be trusted with them. As for the loss of precious items, loss of her phone should cover that. I would not be going light on this one TBH and I’d tell dad that next time I’ll make sure it’s at his for him!

It is her father's fault. He was in charge of a child... seriously neglectful parenting. Surely he can be charged with something along those lines? Poor you...that is so grim. It happened to me too, but my son was 17. x Love and best wishes.

Dad is also responsible as you were away and he was responsible adult..he should have known where she was and what she was up to..he needs to start parenting properly -
has he offered to help repair / fix damage..

Been there. Mine was at her nan's but got a key cut and was also supposed to be at a sleepover.
My daughter was also sexualy assaulted. My husbands car stolen and burnt out. Had to redecorate all the downstairs and buy a new bed, someone pissed it. Police had been called but didn't attend as there was "big match on.
Grounded for a month.
Tbh she's 38 and mentally still paying for it, for obvious reasons.

I hope everything works out for you and your daughter.

Contract :(

So very sorry you lost your beloved dog and co tractor car etc.sorry your daughter did this,big hugs xxxx

What a gang of little shits. Your daughter already made the bad decision so I won’t repeat others.
But egging a house inside and out?
Stealing precious medals?
Letting off a fire extinguisher?
I should imagine your kids live in a lovely home, good upbringing, bright, good schools?
I know some of the kids in Middlesbrough are running amok in a far serious way but reading about the levels of deprivation, poor schooling, school issues, lack of role models…
I don’t get why seemingly well brought up kids do this but I suppose at the end you have the little old school ‘cliques’ at top universities who go on the rampage.
My sister had a party when I was away with my parents and this is four decades ago - she was allowed to stay at home as she had a summer job.
The damage was nowhere near as bad but it took a few days of pretend cleaning up and a few neighbours turning up with power tools.
But there’s a huge difference between a bit of meds and absolute mess and destruction.
Hopefully the decent parents about will help?

I know we get all sorts on Mumsnet and not everyone parents in the same way that I do, but I'm really stunned by the calls for physical abuse on this thread. All this talk of 'battering' her and 'smashing her arse' - fucking shameful. It's so much nastier than anything the OP's daughter has done.

It's great that she is contrite.
I did something a bit similar as a teen, and looking back I don't think I showed enough remorse..... that was only because I was so embarrassed.

I would be frothing at the mouth, thats why none if my children had dare pulled a stunt like this. I would ground her, not giving a time frame, telling her, when she can go out with friends again. The only reason she would be going out is to go to school & her fathers home.lf the father isn't supporting you, l would ask how he would feel if your dd did the same to him? Also the phone would go, she again could have it back when you wanted to give it back. Putting a time limit on things just gives her something to look forward to, without a time limit she knows she will have to do some serious work to get the things she enjoys in life back. How dare she have a load of strangers in your home, without permission, & also they stole from you...yes, it is all her fault as nothing would have happened if she didn't go behind you back. She must have planned it all out, very deceitful l imagine you are extremely upset and angry.

Remember consequences need to fit what happened. It's not her fault your work situation is tricky. And year long consequences sound a bit extreme. Also remember nobody has been hurt. Most material things can be replaced. There will be ways to get rid of egg / fire extinguisher foam smells and stains.

Sometime you need to give her the chunk of information she didn't have beforehand:

• If you're hosting, you can't get drunk
• How to send out invites so they only go to people you want to attend(!) - if she'd invited four friends for pizza and a sleepover you'd probably have never found out about it.
• How you tidy a house before a party
• How you make certain rooms out of bounds
• If non invited people turn up, you can throw them out / call the police.
• Serve food with alcohol and make sure there are lots of soft drinks available - either as mixers or as a break between alcohol rounds.
• There's always a way out / a choice: if things are going wrong there will be somebody who can help.

Because there will be more parties in her future, just not at your house.

YANBU, but I have to say I did the same at 15. One of my grandparents had just died so my parents came back to the grandparent death and a destroyed house. I’m a very nice, well adjusted, sensible person now.

@walrushurricane "Hopefully she will work hard to make amends and if she really focuses on her studies and smashes her GCSEs you will hopefully look back on this and feel that all was well in the end."

I'd be smashing her arse first.

It sounds like your daughter has done her penance.
She is not likely to do anything like that again.
Let it go now.

What are the police doing to trace the people that committed theft and criminal damage in your property?
This actually happened to my friend when we were kids, except her parents knew the party was happening. Her parents tracked down the kids that caused the damage and theft. Their parents closed ranks and said their little darlings were not capable of such things. My friend had to pay for the damage. It was awful.

I would also be furious about this, she went behind your back and because of that your house is ruined. Shows a complete lack of respect for you & your house. I also think she should be finding her brother’s medals herself, she is responsible for this & should take responsibility.

How is doing well in her gcse’s a way of making up for what she has done? She should be doing that anyway. I would be setting a couple of hours chores each week for some reasonable time to pay you somewhat back for all the damage.

I didn't have anything to add before but I'd like to say that, in spite of what's happened, your daughter sounds like a really good egg and a credit to both you and her father.

Yes she's screwed up, big time, but so few people take accountability or give genuine apologies these days and that she is doing so speaks volumes for her character.