It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

She doesn’t have to pay the cleaner. She should act like a cleaner and do the job. She can pay for the loss items and damages then.

It’s 100% her fault. Don’t spoil the kids by not holding them responsible for their actions.

Doesn’t sound like. She is already out with her friends. Why should she when there are no consequences for her? Looks like father is spoiling his daughter.

Honestly? That’s the very last party she will ever have in the house. Never again can she be trusted. The damage to yours and DS belongings is significant. Mine did this - on a very small scale - and I was in the house but that was it. Never again. You need to add up the monetary value and see what it totals. Then she needs to get a job and start paying it back . Or start doing the cleaning. Shes lied about where she was and got so drunk that there could have been more serious consequences.

Your children must be better behaved. Clearly this 15 years old is not. Doesn’t matter how she was before. This situation would not have happened if father knew where the daughter was, and even if he couldn’t ensure that. Given that op has to bear a lot of financial and mental set back, he is not supporting her. To be honest, this was done by dd while she was under his watch. He should pay for repair, cleaning and replacing of stolen items. But useless father is spoiling the daughter by letting her off hook without any consequences.

Would that not usually be done by calling or texting your teenager though?

Let dd stay with dad for some time now. Let him deal with the consequences of his daughter’s actions and you focus on building your income and taking a breather from the extra stress you can’t deal with at this point in your life. Your dd should get serious consequences.
Doesn’t sound like she feels guilty.

All I can say is that even with known parents I'd be checking that my child had arrived safely - not because of mistrust of the child, but because of concern that the world isn't what it should be.

When my daughters were at the end of year 10, it didn't occur to me to check with the parents. We knew their friends and most of the parents and we trusted our kids, (as did they, because I never once had a call from any of the parents when the sleepover was here).
Nor did I check that they got to a sleepover venue. Though I might have given them a lift occasionally.

Apparently I was doubly neglectful.

This is bad!

Awful to come back to, so sorry OP.

She shouldn’t be going out, she needs firmer boundaries and to earn back trust - plus she is only 15 not 18.

Work out total damages and a payment plan for her to cover these.

I really hope the medals come back.

I also think you've done well to show how much this has impacted without just losing it and getting really shouty.

I hope she bounces back wiser.

Or even better, arrested for theft.

Whether or not she had form is immaterial. It's the parent's job to ensure that his child is safe.

Even if the daughter had told the truth, I would have expected the father to check that his daughter had arrived at the sleepover safely.

Well now they know she lies then yes they should check but presumably she didnt have form. Do you automatically assume your children lie to you?

Of course he should have checked: the daughter is only 15.

Good luck with the medals!

He shouldn't need to check. And of course it isn't neglect.

I feel sad and sickened for you. These parties get out of hand even when dads older brothers are there.
just 2 things if she has an iphone when she ever gets back you van both insist on share location and also theres a live 360 app yoy can use but not sure how. That stop her lying about where she is.
the ring camera is good but know this cN glitch and if the internet cut deliberately you can see who going in and out. My Dd used to do it to skip school. Literally seconds all it takes. Still worth it though.
thing is there is no way she hasnt heard of other parties out of control and anyone of her good mates could have called police it shouldn’t have been neighbours. Id be asking why not it could have been stopped earlier.

I like the sound of that. Need more of these young men being forced to explain themselves.

Not much help but I can empathise. My sister did this at 15. I (older by 2 years) was in the house trying to stop it but she was acting cool and did not want the party to end. I knew the older boys names who trashed the house and our dad came back and called each ones parents and demanded each boy come to the house to explain themselves. Pretty sure these lads never did anything like that again.

It’s shit, your DD was out of order 100% but you both sound like good people.

This too shall pass and you’ll forgive her and she’ll forgive herself in time.

Until then, I hope you find the medals and other missing items.

I would also hazard a guess that any parents that think their DCs were involved will help put things right with either monetary donations or physical help.

Keep strong 💪 OP!

I hope you've listed everything that is missing and damaged and reported it to the police. Those that did this should be punished and made to pay for it too.

Your ex needs to call round and see what happened. He took his eye off the ball with caring for his daughter. He can take a hit financially and pay or fix things .Sadly I am not as confident as OP in getting the medals etc back but all the best with that. Next holiday your ex does need to make sure she stays with dad during the evenings ,your daughter was stupid. Thank God she wasn't raped by an older man. I just hope she felt ill the next day as she is unlikely to repeat this. Lesson learned but sadly she was pathetic.

Im not sure if im being fair to say this: she was in her father's care, his care lapsed and this happened so he should be footing some if the bill? And he should definitely be sticking to punishments. But also I know being a teenager even i lied to parents about sleeping at a friend's but was actually in a field or up the downs somewhere so I know how easy it is to hide stuff from parents.

Sorry didn’t read everything. I’ve just seen your update. It’s scary reading some of the other comments that adult males turn up hoping to find drunk females. At least nothing like that seems to have happened. Glad you’ve got a plan of action. I hope you get the medals back. Fingers crossed.