It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

She needs to c9me up with a plan to make it go to you and her brother. She needs to fix the physical damage and the trust. So I agree she loses her key and phone contract - she can geta brick phone, her one sold to pay some of the costs.

If she is not extremely apologetic, especially about the sentimental and irreplaceable items, and fully onboard with cleaning, repainting and repairing then I would struggle with her in the house at the moment.

If her dad wants to relax consequences then he can house her for a while, not forever but certainly until the house has been put right.

I’m so torn.
Her Dad didn’t supervise her properly. He should be contributing to the clean up.
She clearly isn’t responsible enough to have her own key.

Who else lives there? Any siblings?

To me, it screams that everyone involved or living there- her, her dad, her siblings, maybe your boyfriend- need to work together to get it right. She doesn’t get to go out and have fun until the house is sorted.

HOWEVER- from what you’ve said about her Dad, will she just go and live there?

Natural consequences are:

• she loses her house keys. No unsupervised access to the house, if she cannot be trusted to take care of it.
• she is heavily involved in the cleanup efforts. Ideally including at least one "big" job like repainting a room.
• I don't know what her income situation is like but she should ideally be paying towards the damages too.

I agree I would want her out if my sight rather than half arsed attempts to help clean up. I would tell she can come back when she herself has figured out how make amends.

I’d really want to understand more about what happened. “The randoms” turning up and how they’re connected to your daughter and her friends. What she and her friends were doing while the place was being trashed. It’s her house too, that they’ve egged, trashed, stolen from. She’s a victim here too. I’d be worried about her safety tbh but you know her best.

This is awful. Why are some kids so destructive? There really is no need. Who in their right mind empties plant pots? Absolutely crazy.

Is she sorry? Do you have ring cameras? I mean you shouldn't have to but it can be worth it.

This happened to us, not as bad, but the neighbours called the police. DSS is now 30 and I think finally gets how out of order he was..and one of his mates at his 30th party actually apologised to us. I think there was a bit of ‘you left my mum and moved here’ going on. Though in fact she divorced him. I get on well with his mum but she didn’t back up the groundings either.

well not till there was some shenanigans at her house too.

Hes a lovely man now.

I think you and ex need to be on same page.

I would be fucking RAGING. As far as I’d be concerned, she could go and stay with her father for the foreseeable. I wouldn’t even want to look at her.
So sorry this has happened to you, OP.

I don't think I'd have got a cleaner in until I was home. I'd want to march DD through the house pointing out every bit of mess and damage.

What has that got to do with it?

I would confiscate phone/devices for a week and she pays damage. Either through stopping pocket money/ doing extra chores or she get a job.

Is DD sorry? Has she apologised to both you and her brother? Has she got money that she can hand over for cleaning, repairs etc?

At the very least I’d be expecting her to take responsibility for cleaning up after. I have teenagers, when they have parties in our home, they clean up after.

I’d be more upset about her unwillingness to take responsibility than the actual party. The party getting out of control was probably beyond her current ability to predict outcomes, teenagers are notoriously shit at realising that a negative outcome could befall them, but once the outcome happened she should do much better.

Who is cleaning up all this broken glass? She is not a baby? She is able to host an alcohol filled party, she can clean up the consequences.

That’s appalling
no phone and absolutely grounded - she needs to contribute to the expenses to put things right
why is her dad being so soft ?!
she obviously planned it all carefully
it’s a massive breach of trust so she has to earn it back

Strongly suspect her dad was only too pleased to have her out of the house.

How long have you been home? Have you spoken to her yet? Had her father seen the damage?

I would be so upset.

Inclined to ask her to move in with her dad at least until the end of the summer hols. The clean up is more than a young teen can do effectively.

I am so sorry.

She should hold an illicit party at fun dad’s house see how he likes it.

I'd be furious. What's her response? She cleans and cleans. You get her useless father on board and grounded for the foreseeable future. Does she have savings? If so she coughs up, even if it empties the coffers.

Of course YANBU OP. Are your daughter and ex trying to minimise the severity of this issue somehow. It’s outrageous.

And of course the daughter is responsible. Random friends of friends always come to these parties.

15yos make crap decisions but there are consequences. She needs to financially contribute to the clean up at least. So sacrificing her pocket money assuming she doesn’t do any paid work.

I'd tell her in those words the impact it has had on you. Just as you have, no anger.

And seperately I'd tell her that you're trying to raise a responsible person woth respect and voundaries so if she isn't going to comply with the grounding that are part of the rules and boundaries at this house then she needs to stay at her dad's permanently.

There's no a lot else you can do.

But handhold, I've been to this sort of party in my youth and can understand the devastation.

Natural consequences. No phone/internet, she pays for every last bit of the damage with current or future money, she loses her house key and has to be let in.

I would also be getting dad on the same page regarding not being allowed to socialise in her free time for the foreseeable.

How does she feel about her actions and their consequences?

I would be devastated by this.

Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week.

How dare he?

It sounds tricky if her dad isn’t on the same page. are you back at home now?