It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

To me on the case the mother punishes as it is her place, what happens at the father's is for the father to deal with

There is no need for each to play off the other but when people split it is up to parent concerned to deal with it at their place

Same as if something happened at the dads the op should not be involved

Get the house key back.

Cleaning and replacing at weekends for the foreseeable.

That might damage her entire life (due to emotional destruction of the maternal relationship) for one extremely dumb mistake as a teen. She needs to be strongly punished. She doesn’t deserve to have to live with the consequences until her own deathbed

Right, so it sounds like her dad's not completely useless.
As others have said, I'd be fucking raging. She needs to clean every inch of the house, no matter how long it takes. She needs to pay for every penny of the damage...whether this is from money she has already or no pocket money for the next few months. If she does any activities I'd cancel them for a couple of months and put the money towards the damage.
As far as consequences go, I'd ground her til Christmas.

Posters calling her a victim are absolutely bonkers, she caused this and she needs an absolute shock.

You say you are freelance. Do you work from
home most of the time? I agree with the person who said she loses her house key completely. If she’s only just 15, is she going into Y11 anyway? I’d keep her on strict controls all year to be honest, til GCSEs are over. So hard with her dad not on board though.

No I don't think it is even friends of friends who cause the damage it is literally groups of reprobates who go around causing damage to other's houses. I don't know how they find out where the parties are but I know my teen has said she has to be careful when organising parties (we know about).

I'd send her to live at her dads for a long time.

It sounds like this girl has a nice life with parents who get on - and clearly give her a level of freedom and leeway.

She is barely 15 and lied about where she was in order to host a party at her mum's empty house.

A 10 year old could predict the potential outcome. This girl needs proper consequences not sympathy.

This is fucking terrible. I'm not sure I could get over it with her, TBH. I do know she'd have to stay away from me for a very long while.

You'll get through this OP. But I am extremely sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Even without the additional context, of course yanbu. I'd be fuming.

Natural consequences work best for teens ime. She pays you back for the cleaner. She is made to tidy up any and all damage. She is made to replace the things that were taken or broken. If that means reducing or stopping any allowance for an indefinite period then so be it.

Oh dear she needs to get her sleeves rolled up and start cleaning. Best look for a part time job to pay for all the damage as well.

That's how I would feel.

It might not be her fault that "randoms" turned up but she held the party & I'm guessing invited the friends who did tell the "randoms".

What a an absolute breach of trust to treat your house like that.

She’s not a victim, she lied and planned this. She could have called for help and she put herself at risk by being drunk. I would be livid and go nuclear. If she complains tough shit, she needs to learn a very valuable lesson

I've heard of situations where kids organise small parties with known people then the address gets spread around so they end up with a load of randoms who cause damage like this. If this is what has happened here I would have some sympathy.

You need to sit with your daughter and find out how the party’s came about. You need to articulate what it was about the party which hurts - her irresponsibility, putting herself into a dangerous situation, causing damage to your home, adding to the stress of resolving it which spoiled your holiday. Give her some space for that message to sink in. Whilst she’s been at her dad’s she has been allowed to just compartmentalise it and forget about it and he has already let the punishment drop. She will come up with ways of making good - cleaning, funding the repairs, etc.
you need to be clear with her dad on the impact and message, she can’t have chance to play you off against each other. Presumably he also hasn’t seen the extent of the damage. Show him, have your daughter give him the tour.

Not at all. I had lots of gatherings and small parties as a teenager (at mine and at friends houses), none of them got trashed.

I agree. I would go nuclear. Strip her room and send her to her father's.

To have my home destroyed and violated in this way would take me a long time to get over.

Neither would I care about it fracturing my relationship with her. Some lines shouldn't be crossed.

She was calculating enough to plan this party and lie to her father about where she was, which makes her entirely responsible for the fallout. Kids these days are fully aware of what happens when word gets out about a house party.

Honestly OP, you aren't remotely unreasonable, she betrayed you are your feelings are entirely justifiable.

Well firstly, she should be spending this part of the holiday cleaning lentils out he pool, cleaning windows and repotting the plants. This is way beyond what a cleaner should b expected to deal with as well, was it a specialist? She should have paid for it.

Does she have a nice friend group, where you know the parents? I'd get onto them too if she does, they can clean up some lentils with her.

I'd also get her to write a list of every bit of damage, costs etc. so she actually sees the scale of it and reflects a bit.

When I was 17 my friend’s parents went away and he threw a party. It was all fine until this group of kids (adults?) we didn’t know turned up - way before social media so just word of mouth - and just started trashing the place. It was terrifying. We ended up locking ourselves in the master bedroom and calling the police ourselves. It was an absolute nightmare - they set fire to the couch and emptied everything in the kitchen and crashed into his mom’s car and dumped all these drinks into their pool. Thousands and thousands to clean up. We didn’t see him again all summer as he was working to pay for the damage. Obviously his parents understood some of it wasn’t his fault and they were glad he called for help but given your daughter didn’t see anything wrong and is still not even trying to sort anything I can’t even imagine what is bad enough of a punishment.

You urgently need to get her dad to understand the seriousness of this. Has he seen the house? Is he trying to help? Obviously teens are great liars but he was in charge.

Can she go and live with dad so you and Ds can feel safe? Even for a while?

I would find this hard to forgive to be honest. 15 is not a naive young child, well old enough to know parties get out of hand v easily. Is she remorseful? I would make her pay for some of the damage or clean up. She clearly can’t be trusted very well, it’s an awful thing to do when she knows you’ve had a hard time and were having a break abroad.

Sorry this has happened to you and your DS. I can imagine how gutted you both must be.

I have no advice as my DC isn’t at that party stage yet but what has her Dad said? Is he prepared to help rectify the damage as it happened ‘on his watch’? I’m annoyed for you that he’s not supporting the grounding, which is the least she deserves.

like pps, I would be tempted to move her in with him permanently but would that help her behaviour, given his apparently slack approach to the fallout?

She’s really not a victim at all. Everyone at that age knows how an illicit house party with no adults present will turn out including the OP’s DD. She would have known word would get round on social media and has probably been to other similar parties herself. This was planned and not a sneaky quiet gathering of girls. As said a tale as old as time.