It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

So sorry for you about this. I would be more upset about the breach of trust than the physical damage in some ways - and it is so much worse with the theft of items and impacts on your DS as well.
Agree with others that there is little to be gained by going ballistic - and that actually calmly outlining all the reasons you are disappointed, shocked and upset will have more impact.
I’d suggest that she has to be there helping for all the hours you may spend clearing up - and can’t go out doing other things until the house is as good as it can be. Also agree you should work out the financial impacts and consider how she contributes to this. Maybe she should be the one combing eBay and FB marketplace to see if your missing items are advertised.
If items such as jewellery are missing , you should involve the police for sure. A police interview may make some of them think again about attending a party uninvited.

And how dare she??
Theres a serious lack of remorse on display here.
My dd isn’t perfect but she would have been so so upset and so desperate to make mends there’s no way she would have even wanted to be out with mates.

I would make her clean and pay for everything.
If she hasn’t got enough savings then she works every weekend for £2 per hour to work it off. No way would I be paying ‘minimum wage’.

if she wanted to ever make up with me -well it would take a long time.

I might be in the minority but I think it’s utterly terrible what she has done and I would be a long time in forgiving.
It’s not just ‘stuff’ , it’s not just ‘a bit of cleaning ‘. It’s your home where you should feel,safe and where your belongings are safe.
And the ‘talk’ I had with her would be unpleasant to say the least.

This is what I would do:
-grounded and deviced confiscated until situation resolved
-work out cost of damage and decide what is reasonable to expect her to cover i.e £700

• she pays it out of her savings or allowance or works it off with chores

Op i did this!

I was 14. Very similar situation...I was supposed to stay at a friend's while my mum was away but went back and invited every Tom dock and Harry. Thankfully this was pre social media. Important jewellery was stolen. My mum was devastated

The thing I want to tell you is...I remember my total astonishment that my mum found out. This is despite the fact she was friendly with all our neighbours who all told her the moment shr was back.

This illustrates to me that I really was missing a bit of brain development relating to understanding consequences! I think the teen brain is very very different to an adults. More like a toddlers in some regards.

I wasn't stupid but I honestly didnt think about any consequence..only about looking cool in front of my peers

Wow.

Christ on a bike. What a nasty and uncalled for post.

It all sounds awful for you and I agree with all the previous posters.
But I’m intrigued by the « above ground pool » . What does that mean? Is there another below ground pool?

She can live with her dad.

I'd make sure she got a job to reimburse me;
I'd see if there were any avenues to pursue charges against those that trashed my house and stole my belongings;
and any plans for extras/special things would be cancelled until financially recovered and all put right.
OP can you put in an insurance claim?
If so, consider if increased premiums make it worth it.
I'd be so devastated and feel so betrayed.

Or two toothpicks in case she has to chopstick them out. And she has to pay for the toothpicks.

But yes, she needs to get her nose to the grindstone.

Shocking her dad hasn’t followed through on the grounding. No doubt as easier for him if she’s out. I’d be livid and she would be grounded for some time. Very sneaky aswell, and a big lesson for her on how things can get out of control. I’d be making her earn that money to repay for everything and taking away any keys when you’re away in future as she cannot be trusted. Not like you left them home alone, she was sneaky in planning this.

I’m really sorry this has happened. If you can do this calmly, and I wouldn’t blame you if you can’t, perhaps tell her you’ll be speaking to her about this, but not just yet. Give yourself time to assess the damage and when you’re ready explain that inevitably her actions have changed your relationship as there are now trust issues and that’s something she needs to accept as a consequence, then go around the house with her (don’t do this by yourself) and have her note everything down. Then sit down and assign a financial value to everything and talk about the things that cannot be replaced. Then make a plan going forward for how to tackle that debt over a long period of time, which could include her making financial payments but also withdrawal of your services and her doing errands. If you don’t include her in the process, the whole episode will be easier for her to forget. I don’t think grounding her will be as effective as this, personally. I don’t think it teaches them much.

What have the police suggested about the stolen medals bans jewellery? Check Vinted, eBay, fb marketplace and local pawnshops.
has she admitted how these reprobates found out?

I have no helpful advice on dealing with your DD so will focus on practicalities.
House insurance, is this invalidated by her putting out word about the party. Either for damage to the house or for the stolen items.
She was under her father’s care, will he pay up for repairs?
Re your lost contract, do you have any business insurance which will help either with the shortfall or court costs?
Is there any way to use social media to circulate pictures of the stolen items?

Oh, OP, I would so so furious!

Mine were feral but the worst I had to contend with was my DS having some of his disreputable friends over one day when I was out. One of them badly scared his sister, which I think was a wake up call for him and it certainly never happened again.

Is your DD penitent? Does she realise what else could have happened? Did she get scared at any point when it got out of control? Hopefully, like with my DS, this will be a wake up call for her as to what can happen when you think you are more grown up than you actually are.

But she's got a LOT of cleaning up to do and a very frosty mother to deal with and I hope being put to work to sort out what she can might be a lesson. As to the stolen stuff and the ruined things - I am so sorry about those. Like I said, hoping it's a one-off event where the in-the-moment discovery of loss of control and subsequent horrir might mean you get a few years of good behaviour!

I'd also go nuclear on her. I'd work out the cost of the damaged cause and expect her to somehow pay some of that back. She's had her own possessions stolen so she might understand how violated you feel that you've essentially had your house ransacked.

There are some very strange responses on here!

Send her to live at her dad's? What an awful attitude! If the parents weren't separated would you send her to a homeless shelter?

But also, the people saying it might not have been her fault that randoms turned up...she lied to her dad about where she was and had a party (with alcohol, way underage) without permission, with no thought for her mum's property, consideration for the neighbours or respect for the rules.

And on reflection, I'd add to my list of consequences- apology letters to all the neighbours.

This in itself could be an excellent consequence. Make dd pick them out one by one with a toothpick.

I couldn’t even begin to imagine how to clean out lentils in an above ground pool.

I think I’d sit down with her and talk about the specifics. Why she did it, what she thought would happen, how she ended up so pissed she could no longer manage the situation. Presumably she thought she would have a small party.

How it ended up in social media is quite an important aspect.

Assuming she used her phone for inviting people to the party, I’d take it away permanently because she’s used it to create this situation. And her keys of course. It’s probable that she will move to her dad’s but there isn’t much you can do about that. She has two homes which is usually a disadvantage now it’s advantage.