It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

I have a DC the same age, and have heard horror stories from parties (not randoms taking over the house—just disrespectful things done by other students who “don’t like” the host—WTF? Why are they even there? Things like the milk poured everywhere, eggs, ripping apart conservatory panels, etc.)

I honestly don’t know what I would do—even if she gets a job, it’ll be £8/hr, so maybe £80/week at most. She’ll never pay off the damage.

I do think you need to have a hard conversation with your XH about safeguarding the children whilst they’re under his care, and sticking to boundaries and consequences. You need a United Front—he cannot opt out simply because it’s “easier”.

Personally I’d change the locks in case anyone stole a spare set of keys.

I’d 100% be taking her house keys off her. She can’t be trusted with them.

she needs to clean and pay for anything which can’t be cleaned/fixed.

will your insurance pay for the stolen jewellery? If not she can pay for that regardless of how long it takes her.

id be tempted to pack her off to her dad’s permanently to be honest but accept that’s probably not the calmest response.

Absolutely this!

I would be furious and dd15 would absolutely be paying for this.

Id get the facts -
e.g. messages/posts she made about a party [did she basically encourage a free for all at your home],
who did she invite
who did her friends invite
get footage of damage being done [there will be some],
identify those causing damage and go to their parents.

Her and her pals would be picking every lentil up and cleaning every surface. Her phone and any priviliges would be taken away until she tracked down medals and stolen property.

Part time job to recover costs.

(Friends accidentally damaged a piece of furniture when babysitting - we had to babysit for free for a year to repay. We didnt arse around on someones furniture again - we learned our lesson)

I've been on Mumsnet a long time and this is quite honestly the nastiest , most vicious contribution to a thread I've ever seen. Aside from dripping with mysogyny towards this woman for being on holiday with her 'boyfriend' , you've predictably laid responsibility for this event at her feet instead of squarely and solely with the father where it belongs. I would tell you that you should be ashamed to write such unkindness but I can already tell it would be a waste. Utterly disgusting , hate filled bilge.

So sorry, that's just awful. I wouldn't want her in my house again, not for a very long time. Can she go and live with her dad for a while?

Great parenting. One parent who fucks off abroad with "the boyfriend"

Op left her dd in the care of her father for a limited time, as most parents would feel perfectly happy to do. This isn't a case of a 10yo being left to fend for themselves for 2 weeks, with no supervision or care. What a ridiculous post.

15 is still quite young. They look like adults, but my god, they aren’t.

You haven’t, I think, answered the questions about how contrite she is — the answer to that one would determine what I did next. But I agree that getting the egg off the windows (paying for a window cleaner herself if necessary), getting the trash out of the pool, and picking up all the broken glass are brilliantly unpleasant/repetitive/mind-numbingly irritating tasks that would give her lots of time to think about what she did wrong. And, unlike repainting, she can’t make a total hash of them. And if you’re like me and it takes you a while to work out how to say exactly what you want to say, you can set her to work on these while saying you’ll talk to her later.

But while she might have planned a sneaky/forbidden party, she obviously didn't ‘plan’ to trash your house or let in a bunch of professional thieves. Some of this is just rotten luck, for all of you. My kids had parties at that age (that I knew about) and no strangers turned up, nothing was trashed. It sounds like you live in a lovely home (just saying that because of the pool!) — I wonder if the pond scum who do this stuff are more likely to target big houses?

Commiserations on your horrible month, and in particular you must be heartbroken about your dog. Just in case you were wondering, you absolutely don’t have to be the perfect rational parent right now. If you want to go apeshit, I think you’d be quite justified. Teens don’t have a lot of empathy for their parents, as a rule — it wouldn’t hurt her to be made to think about how shit this has been for you, as opposed to how shit this has been for her.

How absolutely awful. No advice, OP, but you have my heartfelt sympathies ❤️

And the very first reply starts looking for excuses followed by other posters saying she is a victim and you need to sit down and have a chat with her!

I wouldn't care if the split had been 7 minutes ago, so what!

She is not a victim-she is a liar and destructive. She is so upset, she's already going round and about again,

"Chat" well, I can't say what I would do instead of a chat but it would make her think twice before she ever stuck her head over the parapet again.

Any money she has, take it and that includes no money being spent her for a year-including Christmas and Birthday.

I don't know how you can bear to look at her.

After I had had my "chat" with her, she would be off to her dad's and she could stay there. I would drive her over there-she could sit on a cushion in the car-with a small holdall, containing her school uniform and a change of underwear. When they are dirty, she can wash them.

Sell or give all her precious stuff away-she might feel a bit of what you and her brother feel.

This is not a time for gentle parenting and chats. This is a time for punishment.

I know hand wringers will come along, outraged but you have a choice: get tough or let her walk over you and get away with it while she and her mates have a good laugh behind your back.

It's sad he has already let her go to her friends house rather than grounding her.

You must be gutted. I would be beyond words.

I assume her dad has seen the damage?

As a parent of a 15 year old there would be VERY severe consequences for this. It is beyond disrespectful.

I would speak to her dad and agree a suitable punishment that you are BOTH on board with.

The word spread no doubt thanks to social media apps, so her phone needs to go for starters. Offer her a brick phone instead.

You then need to add up the total cost of the damage and theft (including the cost of all the cleaning) and it really needs to be her paying the bill. Either through getting a job, or personally I'd work out how many hours of work at minimum wage the damage came to, then make her volunteer somewhere for that amount of hours e.g. if the damage was £500, then a 16 year old minimum wage is £8/hour so 500/8 = 62.5 hours volunteering. She can do this at weekends or evenings.

I would be tempted to contact the parents of any other friends she invited to show them the extent of the damage.

I would be beyond livid and feel very violated.
i think you will make more impact on her if you can maintain you cool (after an initial angry outburst which I’m sure has already happened).

Have her write down all the damage. Maybe room by room, then review the list with her and point out and make her add what she missed. Get this list priced up.

Get her to respond and give ideas in how she will make up for this. Make her part of the solution, I think this will help on the accountability part. But you will also add to her list, and decide overall.

She needs to be involved in a lot more cleaning.

She needs to contribute money. If she has latest and greatest electronics perhaps sell and replace with cheaper options. Clean out her savings.

Grounding. I would allow some normal socialising so long she remains respectful but no sleepovers or concerts or big events for a while.

I would consider counselling for her. She is likely to be experiencing a great shame over this. But also she is very young to have done this. Why did she do this, why did she get so drunk, why didn’t she or any of her friends call the police themselves. Somebody neutral to help her work through what was in her head and give her coping skills.

I really feel for you. Alcohol and young girls (or guys) is a terrible mix. Both of my very good DDs had one terrible instance each caused by being terribly drunk. They learned their lesson. Neither to this extent, but I can emphasise with how you must be feeling.

Are the friends parents aware ?

So, on her dad's watch, DD lies, gets drunk and creates a situation where property is trashed and stolen, and he thinks his only responsibility here is to be temporarily 'furious' then let her off agreed consequences?
If it were me I'd be telling him that when this happened he was in charge so he needs to step up and decide on the consequences, and also make a contribution to the costs of repairing the damage.
That may focus his mind a little and bring him to the same page. Because frankly, while she has one parent who she can do what she pleases with its going to be much harder for you to create meaningful consequences.

Honestly I'd be furious ! But I think the best approach is to ask DD herself what she thinks an appropriate consequence is for this? Go round the house slowly with her, talk about everything that is damaged or dirty or stolen and then ask her at the end .. what do you think should happen now.
And see what she says. She may be able to more fully appreciate the impact of her actions then

Hopefully all her friends are fucking terrified about what went off.

I think you can legitimately remove her smartphone and give her a dumb phone though. Possibly for the whole school year.

She should be in the house cleaning and contributing to getting the house cleaned up.

When are you coming home?

I would be really upset OP.

I know PP here say they'd be furious, angry etc

But it's such a breach of trust, your home has been violated, precious things broken or stolen. I would be so sad and hurt. Your house is basically a crime scene and your DD did that.

I really hope your DD is truly sorry and remorseful.

Your ex needs to get on board as well. Letting her go out with her friends after that? No. I'm not saying he should be punishing her in the same way but he can't be "fun dad" about this. DD lied to him and the consequences are massive.

That was uncalled for.

Firstly, the child WAS safe while on holiday. She was at her dad’s. No different to parents who are together and the mother has to take a trip for work or whatever.

Secondly, teenagers lie. I told the most outrageous whoppers to get around my parents’ admittedly v strict rules at this age. I would often be dropped off for a sleepover, when I knew full well me and the friend in question were actually heading out to a club. I was 15 at the time.

She needs severe punishment for this. But this is not directly the consequence of poor parenting. It’s a child with over confidence and a lack of understanding for safely. Hopefully she’ll have had some fear significantly knocked into her now which will help keep her safe going forward.