It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

Actually it might be worth putting the pictures/video of the damage on social media, along with photos of the items stolen, and asking for any parents of Y11 pupils who attended the party to come forward and help find these items.

Counselling, my arse. Her phone would be sold and computers. Her savings would be raided and she would clean till her knuckles were sore. She would learn some respect or go and live with her father and let him deal with it or not as the case may be.

I think you need to stop saying you are devastated - it sends far too soft a message

she needs you to be ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS

I feel for you op, but also feel a bit for your daughter - parties can quickly get out of hand and I’m sure she didn’t intend for it to go as badly wrong in terms of destruction. I know if that had been my DD’s they would have been terrified and horrified as things got out of control… I would be harsh but not too harsh - she is only 15 and 15 year olds don’t think the consequences through like adults do. It’s a tough one. Good luck and hope things get better for you.

Man alive, I would be angry with a white heat.

Make sure you take photos of the damage - I would be very tempted to send photos to all her friends parents so they are aware of what happened.

My kids are nowhere near 15 yet. Is it normal to allow your 15yo to go for a sleepover without checking there will be an adult there and speaking directly to the adult? Is it normal to just take your 15yo's word for it?!

I think the dad was negligent and partly responsible tbh. Why is he not contributing to the practical and financial costs of clearing up? If you were still on holiday when it happened, why didn't he go back with DD to help her clean up? He should have insisted on her making amends as best she could and physically helped her to do so.

I would be furious. I threw a secret rager at 15 too. The house was left spotless (me and my mates cleaned for five hours the day after) I was on alert all night for damage and all that got broken was a pot plant by accident. I turned away people I didn’t know, no police etc, music turned down at midnight.

Mum found out but wasn’t too furious because I’d done it relatively responsibly. Having the police called and things stolen… I’d have been grounded for months.It sounds like the house became a trap house for the night not a teenage party…

What a shit parent he is.

Yes, and don't forget to make her a hot chocolate and give her a cuddle.

Honestly, I find chats tend to let them off the hook more as they always ends in forgiveness and let’s fix this now.

Just let her SEE the upset and disappointment , that it is a direct consequence of her actions and deceit y don’t care about anyone else’s, how upset you are at the mess in your home and tell her she is cleaning until it is all sorted.

She has already learnt the lesson and will continue to learn it organically as she cleans and witnesses your upset, not to do that again.

Not sure if it is an option but insurance accidental cover might help? Preserve evidence, photos , screenshots of the partuybeing advertised, police reports and call them.

Honestly with that information I would feel a lot better in your shoes - you have one problem a daughter who made a very serious mistake not 2 problems - a child who can’t take responsibilities. I’ve made mistakes in my life and gotten things wrong, we all have. She made a huge mistake but trying to be accountable for it and trying to put things back together is good. I would talk to her and work with her for her to learn her lessons from this experience including fixing the trust issues she has created with you.

Her response does show she is a good kid though. You can at least take some consolation from that.

I'm still not understanding the suggestions that she 'couldn't help' the randoms!
I have 2 adult kids who are past this age now, and they've had gatherings over the years, as have their friends, and not one party has ever got out of hand. They simply invite their friends. People outside of their actual friend groups have no way of knowing about the party. An 8 year old would understand that if a party is 'advertised' then you are asking for trouble. There's no excuse for this at all.

Oh and also, her dad should be punishing for the lies about where she was. That's a separate issue but still very serious. She shouldn't be allowed out overnight again for a very long time, she clearly can't be trusted.

Can you take the dad to small claims for the damage?

Is the Dad contributing anything to the damage? Happened on his watch, I know she snuck out, but if she had damaged someone else’s property would you be going 50/50 on costs?

She must have stuff-even clothes.

Sell what's worth anything, everything except her bed,and either donate or burn the rest.

Leave her with one set of clothes, her uniform, a plastic bag, a toothbrush, a towel, a hairbrush and two sets of underwear. When they're dirty-she launders them

I feel for you and your poor son who has lost his precious prizes.

I would sell anything of value that belongs to DD. No pocket money for a year. No sleepovers. Ground her completely.

I would be so fucking furious, omg.

I think the natural consequences are:

Cleaning up
No phone for a week, other than putting messages out to try and recover the stolen goods maybe?
No house keys, but she is grounded and if she comes home alone she can sit on the doorstep until you get home. Have you got a doorbell camera to keep an eye on her coming and going?
As you say, no more parties, she has ruined that for her future self
Actually the natural consequences for both her and your ex is any parties will be at his house 😅

Her friends might be lovely but at least one of them was dim enough to put it on social media so they're not that lovely. As pp say, she needs to get them involved in cleaning up if they want any chance of ever coming round again.

How manageable would it be to take her house key? If I could do that, I would because it would be the most fitting consequence. If she'd be safe, but might have to stay in the library at school or wait a little while for you or her brother to get home or not get something she's forgotten to take to her dad's, then it would inconvenience her and no one else. I'd have her replace as much as possible from the money she has/pocket money. I'd also probably cancel her phone contract for several months or sell her phone for some of the money too. Essentially taking her electronics but very clearly tied to what happened.

I'm sorry, OP, it must have been awful for you.

It’s worth checking in the jewellery to be sure, but AFAIK, there needs to be a police report with proof of forced entry. Unlocked doors invalidate the coverage, but still worth a check.(On the policy wording itself—not ringing the insurance provider. Calls are recorded and your premium will go up even if you don’t make a claim, but made an enquiry—this happened to my MIL.)

Thats awful op. I'd be fuming with her. She planned the deception to dad and now has to deal with the consequences

I don't blame dad for the party happening, at 15 I would accept that mine were going to a sleepover, as long as I knew the address, but I wouldn't speak to the parents myself.

My consequences would be:

She continues with the cleaning until its an acceptable standard.

She explains to ds that his medals have been stolen

She uses any money that she has, and any upcoming Christmas money to pay for damages. If anything is damaged that you can't afford and can't wait until Christmas, she sells a games console/something of value that may pay for it.

You massively tighten her social life. There is some level of trust with me and my teens, that I don't really check up where they are anymore. For the next few months, I would be wanting to speak to parents on the phone (so I know its actually them!) if she makes arrangements with friends. No hanging around without specific activities, so once ungrounded (which would he for 3 weeks) either something like cinema, gym not going out for the sake of it until trust is restored

I'd be speaking to ex since you seem to get on. Stress the need to be on the same page and how disappointed you are that he has immediately let go of consequences for her

She might not have the money now but I’d be totting up every penny and she’d have to pay it back one way or another. Get a job when she’s 16 and every penny from that goes towards paying off what she owes.

I don't think she needs to see a calm response and she shouldn't see a calm response-she should see a ballistic, ape shit, frightening response.

How much is her phone worth and how much do you pay monthly on it?

That would help recoup the costs and as it was advertised on social media seems like a natural consequence to me. She advertised her address to people she didn’t know.

She can have a brick phone.