It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

Come on you don’t go that far. It’s bad and needs consequences but don’t utterly destroy your relationship long term over it.

Whose kids are these that do actual damage to the house of someone nice enough to ask them to a party? Careless damage is one thing but intentional is upsetting.

Have you asked the police if they are investigating the criminal damage and theft?

At the very least I would ask DD to:

• show you all the messages she sent inviting people/publicising the "gathering"
• give you a list of all the people she invited
• Writes what she can remember about the people who came - if she was drunk she won't remember much towards the end but surely she will know who turned up before she got drunk, and if she doesn't know names she can give descriptions.

Also if the people causing criminal damage were Y11 leavers I would notify the school, not that they are the school's responsibility but I would still want to make the school aware.

@IllBiteYourLegsOff

I’m so sorry. You poor thing. That’s horrendous.

I agree with the ‘natural consequences’ approach others have covered. I too have a 15 yo who is very hard work, as well as two older DC, and I’m a single parent. I really get it.

I think it’s important to separate out the elements she had responsibility for, and those she didn’t. For example, deciding to hold the party and lying are the big things; also her decision to drink - I’d be devastated. People seem to be surprised word of the party got out - it’s easily done. All it takes are a few invitees to say it to their friends and so on. It doesn’t require any additional posting on SM. That part could have been quite terrifying for DD, and so I think you can show empathy there (obviously still her fault, at the end of the day!)

pf course she needs consequences but make them doable - people saying to ‘ground her for a year’ are not being realistic! I think a 3 month timeframe where there are limits, but also lots of conversations about expectations so she knows how to make better decisions in the future.

Hope things get easier OP 💐

That’s so sad about your son’s medals. Maybe your daughter can try to get them back via social media and ask for someone to just drop them off at the door no questions asked. Then I’d take the phone and ground her. Her dad needs to be on the same page with that.

I am so sorry to hear this. Not read all comments but I have read all of yours so far. You said it was year 11 leavers from recent GCSE'S - can you find a Facebook group for that year group and join / post and make parents aware and see if a bunch of medals have appeared in their homes?

Absolutely agree with this.

And I would be bloody livid with the ex and his attitude: he was the one that didn't check out the fictional "sleepover" and then resiled from the agreed grounding that was supposed to be the punishment.

He's an irresponsible fuckwit imo.

Why so?

She has enabled the destroying and theft of her mother's and brother's stuff.

It certainly is not insane to leave her with the bare minimum at all-it's a justifiable response.

By the by, I'd like to know exactly how much of her room and stuff was nicked or damaged.

Anyway, it sounds as if the OP is going to have a "good chat" with her, so that's all right then.

I get what you’re saying with mine I found shorter punishments gave them more incentive to behave. But I feel the taking responsibility is the most important part she needs to pay it back

I don't think she's entirely responsible for the actions of random strangers

But I'd focus on what she did

I'd focus on actions and natural consequences eg you're grounded cos i can't trust that you'll be where you told me, checking with friends' parents if she's actually there, no treat days out for a while cos still paying for the cost of replacing X. No time to cook a nice meal as we need to spend that time cleaning. Frame it as natural consequences, rather than angry random punishments. FAFO

And let her see how sad you are that the house was trashed

Your daughter lied to her Dad, held a party at her own home, whilst knowing full well it was empty. Yes, she is responsible for the fact randoms turned up. No, your daughter may not have advertised the party on Snapchat but if she hadn't been having the party, there'd be no party to advertise for randoms to turn up too!

Your daughter needs to learn that all behaviour has consequences. Your daughter has massively broken your trust and that of her Dad's too. No electronic devices, no friends over and she helps you clean up the mess.

Having to make some physical effort to clean up the mess, might make more of an impact, because it effects her. Paying a cleaner is all very well (and in some cases someone like a window cleaner might be needed) but it's putting the physical responsibility onto someone else!

When we’re less strict and maybe quite liberal, our kids push us harder to get a reaction. If you’ve not been big on punishment in the past (like myself and the ex), it makes it really hard to know what to do. You trusted her, you must be so upset by all by this, I think I’d get some professional help with it. Talk to your gp about getting help. Meanwhile, I’d have a long talk with her and don’t hold back on how hurt you are.

By a child with no knowledge from the parents. Worth checking out.

Agree with this.

This got out of hand because she lied. She lied to her dad about where she was and organised the “gathering”.

I think I would seriously be considering whether to make her live with her dad for a while. She’s broken your trust , her brother trust and his special medals and trophies have gone missing.

She can come around everyday and clean, even after she goes back to school next week.

When the house is back to how you want it she can live in it.

She has to pay for it. No phone allowed, no money for going out etc.

She needs to be sorry and feel the absolute consequences of lying.

But then I’ve always come down on ds more for lying than making mistakes.

I did this at 15. There was no stealing but they wrecked the place The worst was Mum's beautiful flower beds, she was so upset. YANBU to feel devastated and extremely angry

When this happened at my party it was terrifying. It came as an enormous shock that things could go so badly wrong so quickly, and I didn't know what to do, I felt paralysed and couldn't stop it. It felt like a massive slap to remind me I wasn't as grown up as I thought I was, I was still a kid and couldn't be left in charge. So your DD may already be feeling chastened from this experience.

She fucked up, she puts it right. She does the cleaning and the mending and pays for repairs and replacements (through money or chores). She puts everything back how it was (within reason, she's only 15).

This experience will likely stay with her for life and if she's any sort of decent kid she'll feel better about it if she was able to do whatever she could to put things right, even if she doesn't feel like that now.

@IllBiteYourLegsOff we had an almost identical event. Some of my fury was a sense of violation that my private space had been entered by people I didn't know, doors kicked in, and some of my belongings broken or stolen. But I think my biggest reaction was due to the realisation of how much worse it could have been - for my property, but more alarmingly for dd. Anything could have happened! She was drunk, scared, not in control of the situation, and didn't think to call for adult help or the police when things went badly wrong.

15 years later we (her parents) are over it, but she hates it being brought up and says she can't believe how stupid she was to put herself in such a vulnerable position.

A week??? This girl would be living like the Amish if she were mine. No phone, no iPad. Laptop for school work only which is done in the communal areas of the house. No after school clubs and no socialising with friends. Free time will be spent on chores or homework. Until I say so. School grades had better be impeccable.

Unfortunately it sounds like Fun Dad would likely buy her all new devices and let her go to a rave the very next day.

Don’t be so insane. 🙄 ‘burn her stuff’.

Strong consequences, obviously but leaving her with a toothbrush & o be set of clothes is ridiculous and impractical.

Aside from all the obvious stuff like consequences and clearing up herself, she needs to understand just how devastated you are. And your DS - the medals are irreplaceable! This is the kind of stuff of nightmares - your home has been violated. She has a lot of thinking to do and she really should be feeling bad about this @IllBiteYourLegsOff and that includes she’s temporarily damaged your trust and lost that yours would have been the party place.

I’m sorry, it’s a rotten thing to have happened.

one last thing - don’t let the client get away with not paying. That’s theft. I know it must feel easier to just let it go but I think you may regret it.

Hope things improve soon for you.

'Year 11 Leavers'!? I'm reeling at that suggestion. I was imagining rough older 'lads' from the local village/estate who had no connection or care for you. She's been devious and stupid but once the house was overwhelmed by those pricks she would have been pretty helpless.
Maybe scared to name them.

Pretty sure that screenshots of a household member inviting people to the house will scupper insurance claims. Because the thieves were invited guests… technically

A good chat? A chat! About completely trashing your home when you've just lost your job. Your response is a chat.

She'd get nothing for a very long time if it was me. There's no pocket money to withhold and she wouldn't be getting birthday or christmas presents for quite some time, either.

I’d be raging too. I wouldn’t confiscate her phone. I’d sell it and use the money to pay towards the damage and get her a brick. If she’s not mature enough to use her phone properly then she doesn’t get to have one. If she’s knuckles down and works hard she can earn it back at some point in the future

My brother did something similar at 15 and he was working to pay off the damage (my dad took literally every penny) for like two years. Paper round, then a part time job, by the time he got his first pay check he was allowed to keep he was 17.

Honestly a lot of kids do it and she wasn’t being malicious but she needs to know actions have consequences. Really sorry this happened OP, but it does happen to a lot of people so it’s not really a reflection of your parenting. It’s just teens being teens.

Oh and I think she should have brick a phone for a while.

I’ve noticed your posts before @LejlaKapovicI feel sorry for anyone who has the misfortune to have you in their life.

Even if you don’t sincerely mean what you write, you have that inside of you in the first place.

I have paid for a cleaner from her own bank account.

That's a good start. And I've just read that you've lost your job, so that makes what she's done to you, even worse, financially.

I would absolutely focus on her lies, and how she's let you down and lost your trust. Yes, she probably couldn't have stopped people doing the damage, but the lies and getting drunk were entirely down to her. As was the initial decision to have the party without your knowledge.

And yes, getting her brother's medals back need every bit of effort on her part.