It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

Oh for goodness sake ..

I agree. She’d need to live with her dad until I got over this. How devastating and such a breach of trust.

I wouldnt even be able to talk to her i would leave her at her dads for a week let her stew

@IllBiteYourLegsOff I'd be pointing out to the ex, that if it had been his house that she trashed, he would probably not have given in on the grounding. And that as you are the one having to deal with the consequences (practical, financial and emotional) of DD's actions, the very least he can do is abide by your agreed consequences for DD.

I can just see the reasoning you and others on this board with their 'she must be so upset, have a chat
' stance reason.

I can see it so well, I can write it out as if I were one of that brigade.

Here it is:

"Oh no! Your poor daughter. have you thought that she too must have been in emotional turmoil?

After all, she has seen you with a new boyfriend, going off on holiday while she is shunted off to her dad's. How lonely and unwanted she must have felt.

Also, don't forget that she too has suffered the loss of your dog and may have picked up on the fact that there are money worries-although not enough to stop you going away. Where was her break, her chance to breathe?

She clearly didn't get the support needed at her dad's either and needed the support of her peer group. How sad that she couldn't confide this to her dad or feel that she could ask them over to her dad's.

Instead, she went to her home-her home-her place of safety-for a simple pyjama party and she may have had a drink-she's 15 that's natural for goodness sake.

Then Some Big Boys came along and trashed the place and They Ran Away.

So, now her trust has been broken by her mum, her dad and yes-in a sense- by the dog who died and left her.

Have a chat, by all means. Tell her how disappointed and upset you are.

Could you clean up together? It would help you both to bond, to heal, and would be a natural consequence.

Ignore the loons on this thread and their talk of punishment. The girl needs love, understanding, cuddles and an honest promise to her that she will never be abandoned again.

I hope she forgives you and I hope you findThe Big Boys Wot Done It And Ran Away.

Sending you both love and hot chocolate! "

And if that's not exactly it, it's as near as damn it!

Instead of presents for the next few years she can repay for the damage that way. I expect she will never do the same again but it is a well known situation ,someone puts a message on SM and all sorts of people turn up. Get her dad to help repay the damage. Next time you go away take her keys off her and she stays with her dad. She can't be trusted. She is a teenager but sadly a very stupid one.

She already has been trusted to go out though, by her dipshit if a father, a few days later.

Do she’s learned nothing.

I think you need to discuss with her something like that she gets a Saturday job to contribute towards the costs of cleaning up, and the stolen and broken things.

And she has to make a sincere apology to her brother re the sports medals. You might all have a discussion about what she can do to make amends.

Your DD probably thought she was being VERY clever by duping her dad to host a party. What larks!! She won’t feel so clever for the foreseeable when she finds out that she won’t be trusted to do anything or go anywhere.

Nothing else to add.

I just sorry your ex is such a piece of shit. Letting her go out with friends a few days later just appalling.

You anbu to be furious and disappointed. But stand back from a punishment perspective. First she needs to understand that you are a person with feelings not just a mum. Second she may be vulnerable due to her online friendship circle with people in it who would do this- what else would they do?

So I would parallel clean with her. Side by side in silence if necessary. Keep at it, both of you for however long it takes.

If you take her phone she can emotionaly by pass personal responsiblity and put her emotions into resentment.
Don't protect her from the damage to you or the house. If you cry then cry dont hide it. Explain as you work what those medals meant to DS. If anyone is getting them back it will be her through her network.
Make her a partner in the consequences. Dont shout. Don't create any space for any drama except seeing and feeling how much this has hurt her family.

All good advice.

For a start, I would take her key off her and tell her until she shows more maturity she will be going into afterschool homework clubs (if she isnt already) and will not be able to have a key whilst at her dads.
I would clamp down on her socials/phone use too.

Wow. You poor thing. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. How awful.

Just to add, yes you are right to be horrified. If she’d had a party with your and your ex’s permission and this happened I would have some sympathy but she lied to both of you, plus got herself drunk so she couldn’t stop things, plus managed to get this publicised on social media (and who, in this day and age, is STUPID enough to not realise this can happen).

Agree that the phone/ iPad go. Personally I’d sell them and give them to your DS as a compensation for his medals, he must be devastated. I’d say she should also be getting a part time job and giving every penny to you for the next 6 months at least to help you replace the broken/ damaged stuff. And try to get her dad on the same page. She can work towards getting a brick phone at Christmas- but no social media. None.

That said, try not to take this personally, I suspect she’d horrified and ashamed- but this episode suggests to me that she’s overly influenced by friends/ socialising/ showing off- and she’s still very young- so this does need addressing (which will also be helped by getting rid of her phone/ social media).

I wouldn't blame dad here for that...my teens sort their own social life now. I used to arrange things like sleepovers with parents, but now they are 15 and 16, if they say I'm staying at Josh's house, where I have previously met his mum and know where he lives, I wouldn't ring her to check that was the plan, I'd trust that was happening.

Obviously, moving forwards after this huge breach of trust

I agree, the Dad isn't parenting adequately at all.
Something really bad could have happened to the girl.

Your DD needs to know how absolutely broken you are by the sight of your precious home being wrecked and by the theft of the family's precious items. And by the thought of her being so dangerously drunk in that situation where nobody was safeguarding her.

Let her see your despair…… especially at being lied to.
Ask all the difficult questions so that you know exactly what happened and how it snowballed. Where did the alcohol come from. Was she taken advantage of in any way and by whom.

If she doesn’t organise a cleaning party herself with all her friends chipping in to help, then please suggest it to her. It’s the least she should do.

Also ask her to post on SM asking for the return of stolen items and for the replacement of broken and smashed items and plants.

It was a violation of your home and garden from her school community so the kids and their parents need to be aware of the circumstances and the results of their offsprings’ smashing party night out.

Her father also needs to show accountability as it all happened on his watch. So invite him to help with the costs of cleaning, fixing/mending and replacement items.
And of quizzing her to get a full picture.

Keep a close watch on her phone OP, once you decide she can be trusted to have it back.
Your DD needs to prove she is worthy of a fresh start by demonstrating real regret for her part in the shameful incident.
Wishing you better luck for the next term.

Drink and drugs, lack of parental supervision, too much money....

I would certainly want to know how she proposes to make things up to your son.

Why does your ex (her father) seemingly get a pass? DD was in his care and control and it sounds like he completely dropped the ball. She told him that she was sleeping over at a friends and what? He didn't bother to check, just took her word for it? Being less strict is fine, but he still needs to parent his child. She was grounded but he basically just didn't bother with it! Honestly, you both got off lghtly and I would be telling him that. Otherwise, you might have to get used to police visits.

You sent the DC to stay with their Dad.
He allowed her to stay out without any form of checking.
Something very serious could have happened to her, so she's going to need close, proper supervision, not "laissez-faire" parenting or "I pick my battles".
Proper boundaries from now on, and the DC staying with the Dad unless he parents properly.
You'll have to calculate the expense of the damage and a programme of repairs. The DD can contribute as much as she can.

Oh come on. What kind of parenting would ‘burning her stuff’ be? How can she practically exist with a toothbrush & scant clothes?

A combination of strong consequences, with meaning, and talking, is needed.

My thoughts exactly. He was responsible for her and should not have allowed a "sleepover" and definitely not let our if "grounded". Seems her attitude comes from him 🤔. TBH if the damage is that bad and sentimental things have been stolen Im not sure if I could forgive that quickly! My initial reaction would be that she stays at her dad's until I could accept her back in the house. Both my kids did stupid stuff but they would never have trashed their home. Im not sure what punishment would fit but she definitely would be grounded no phone/computer/social media/no new clothes/trips out etc etc. All costs would have to be paid back, if no funds then jobs around the house. At 15 she is old enough to know that this stuff happens when you sneak out and have "parties" at home. Im angry on your behalf and it would take a loooooong time for me to forgive and especially to trust her again. As for her dad, what a knob letting her off her "grounding" already, obviously doesnt want to be the "bad guy" or is too weak to stick to agreed punishments. How is she going to repay your other child for losing his medals etc? If I was her I would not be looking forward to your return. Sorry your trip is spoilt but particularly sorry about your dog, I know how hard that can hit x

HRTFT. MN seems to view it as normal that teenagers rebel and hate their parents, that if they're fortunate they become human again once their frontal lobe is fully developed.

I'm the parent of three adult DC, the youngest is now nineteen. They never went through a stage of being embarrassed to be around DH and I, getting hammered and having parties. This despite the two eldest being diagnosed under ten with ADHD.

Only yesterday the youngest came with me to a supermarket. She's home for the Summer from university. I assumed she came because she wanted some shopping. She told me she came so she could help me.

If I went away my DC knew they could have friends here, which they did. Your DD must have planned much more than this. They planned to lie and hold a party. Your DD knew she didn't have access to your home to have friends over. If that's what she wanted she could have invited them to your XDH's home. She might not have expected everything that happened, but she had no right to be at your house whilst you were away.

Will your house insurance cover the damage and theft? I assume you have the police involved. I would have reported it. Is DD sorry? Does she realise what she has done to not only your home, but your trust in her?

My DC had no interest in drinking. They knew they could have it if the wanted, even at fifteen. They never needed to sneak off and drink. Some may think me outrageous for this but it avoided rebellion or them sneaking off to party.

My fear was never for my home and possessions. My teen brother died whilst out with a friend. Does your DD realise this could have happened to her? The death of DB influenced my parenting. I was determined my DC would never need to sneak out to a party or drink.

I was open and none judgemental. DC could talk to me about anything and even if inside I was squirming with embarrassment (my parents discussed nothing), they knew I'd listen and offer advice. By taking away all taboos there was no reason to rebel. I never tried to be a cool mum or their friend. I was just a safe guide through the tough years.