It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

I did this when I was a foolish, insecure, unhappy 15-year old. It wasn’t supposed to be a big party but I couldn’t stop the randoms who turned up and wrecked the place. My parents found out and my Mum hit me repeatedly, no phones then so I was grounded for many weeks, I had my books taken away as my mum said I wasn’t allowed anything I enjoy and I was dragged around to all my friends’ houses in some sort of shame parade.

I’ve never really got over it. Occasionally my old friends bring it up as they can see a funny side, but I’ve never been able to do that and I have a ball of anxiety about it, even 40 years later. So I feel for your daughter. She made a mistake, no doubt under some peer pressure. She’ll have got drunk to avoid facing how the situation got out of hand. Please be kind to her, and show some compassion. She knows what she’s done is wrong.

Very upsetting, your personal space invaded like that.
She needs to clean up, it’s a week later and it’s still not done? I’d be asking ex to help as well, this was on his watch, he does bear some responsibility for this. Also ask him to contribute to the financial cost of repairing the damage. I’m amazed the both of them aren’t already on this.

Good grief! That's absolutely shocking, isn't it?

I find it hard that some think punishment is unreasonable. Would you like the same to happen to your home. The girl needs a whole load of punishments. Her Dad needs to pay and fix things and she needs to deal with her brother's sports medals etc. This is where being too lenient has failed. Time for things to get tough for her. She has been a stupid teenager.

Oh and a couple of my neighbours have teens and they tell me when they’re away- and say broadly “I have not given any permissions for a party so if you hear anything at all, please do text/
phone me and if necessary call the police.” I know it’s a bit late now but it might be a good idea for the future.

Dear oh dear.

Probably best not to make remarks about another poster's reading comprehension, until you have mastered the art of punctuation.

Yep. I'd have her stay there for a bit

I’m not sure living with her dad is the best idea, I think she need to live in the house and see the damage/ how much time and effort it takes to put things right/ create a nice home.

I agree with getting her to help clean everything and pay for the damaged/ stolen items by getting a job. As well as remove the phones/ ground her- I’d also make sure she apologises to all of your immediate neighbours in person as it was probably a pretty horrific evening for them too. And I’d be making her show me every single message discussing the party, and then getting all of the messages off her friends about it too (via their parents to whom I would explain the whole sorry situation). Not to be vindictive but because you’d want them to avoid anything similar happening and it’s possible (albeit unlikely) that the police might need the messages.

I doubt if any local employer would want her so her dad pays for the damage and fixing things and when she does get a job she can repay him. She needs to put a lot of effort into getting her brother's medals etc back . Have you told her she is a truly stupid girl. If not let her see the messages on here. When she reaches 18 and wants a party just one word is needed NO is all you need to say.

But she doesn’t have that at her dads house though, does she?

So consequences to get through at mums, just until she can get back to dads and start living normally. PHEW!

I sympathise fully with OP on that one as my ex husband was always the same way, so no consequences I put in place ever meant anything. “Fun dad” (aka, couldn’t be arsed and wanted to make my life harder), would swoop in at weekends and it was all fun and games again.

Terrible advice. She can absolutely show her DD how upset she is but sending her away, especially to a pretty lax father, isn’t the answer.

Reading comprehension is not your strength, is it?

What you’re saying I’m suggesting is completely inaccurate.

And it’s not accurate for OP either, who is absolutely implementing consequences.

Your posts are batshit.

I think I would be so angry I would send her to live with her dad. Tell her you don’t want her around!

I would go with logical consequences, no keys or independent access to the house. Friends visiting can only happen if supervised. Use your local nextdoor neighbour app to advertise the items that are missing, invite the community to check with their young family members what they know about those who attended the property and who might have taken things were. Often those items may hbe been discarded so there is a chance people have found them but dont know who they belong to. Install camera security so that when you go away again you can have peace of mind that you will get notifications if anyone is at your property. I am so sorry you have expereinced this, you have every right to despise the behaviour which is different from how you might feel about your daughter. If she can learn that when you break someones trust you create a lasting scar.

It'll have gone out on sm

In all honesty, we get tired of this. Parents who challenge our behaviour policies, say we're too strict, complain about detentions and then expect us to follow up about these house parties. It's not uncommon. There seems to be little reflection about how and why it's happened. School needs to help sort it! They demand.

The responses would be different if she was a fifteen year old boy.

She clearly doesn't give a toss as she's out partying with the same friends and has been allowed to do so.

She'd get nothing for a very long time if it was me. Should get all of her devices taken away and should only get new clothes for school for at least a year.

For all of those that think that's too harsh she didn't have a problem with her mother or her brother's property being damaged or stolen let's see how she copes with having her belongings taken away and nothing new to replace them.⁸

In this situation I’d also be thinking about the friends who aided and abetted her - her close friends will have been in on it and in my experience (lots of us have been here OP, and it is awful) there’s a question of what their contribution to the reckoning should be and whether some of the other parents should be informed. Her true friends should be showing up to help her make amends.

She’s made a terrible error in thinking she could control the situation and while you have every right to be furious I would lean into the questions here about risky behaviour and about who your real friends are.

Sit down with her and start with tell me everything.
Do not interrupted her.
Tell her how disappointed and hurt you are. Tell her of your sadness at your house being destroyed and your things stolen.
Tell her about your money struggles.
Tell her how she will now be screen and social media free. You take away her phone, and put forbidden websites on her laptop. She has to get a Saturday job to contribute to the financial loss.

Awful for you and at such a stressful time. I hope she’s truly remorseful when you see her. Thank god nothing awful happened to her while she was so out of it.
Regarding the possessions that have gone missing, can you discreetly speak to the Head of Year 12 at the school so they can speak to their students and put the word around about the medals etc.? I know similar has been done at the school I work at with some success. Good luck.

It's absolutely horrific, isn't it? The girl needs to understand that it's not just a mess which can be cleaned up - the house has been trashed and raided.
"Cleaning up together"? I don't think so.

I’m so with you. Especially the real idea of a ‘chat’. No wonder some children do these things. Wishy washy consequences.
and lol to grounding. That is the very bare minimum.

I found around age 15 to be the worst for this behaviour.

Poor you, OP. Be 100% frank with your daughter about money worries and the whole shebang. That's all bad enough but to have this theft and vandalism on top is appalling. Are you going to be discussing with her father about checking in future that she is where she says she is? I certainly fell for that one too - they whole friendship group claimed be at someone else's house, then one phone call was made and it all fell apart. As I see it, her father has a fair bit of responsibility for this happening.

This is without question in the grand scheme of things Really Bad.

It could have been a lot worse - sexual assault. Are dd and her friends all ok?

Yes this needs serious consequences - have the police been contacted? Detail every penny of damage and work out a plan for her to pay for a percentage reasonable to her age.

Yes her phone and tablet go.

Yes to trying to find and contact the parents of the children who did this and trying to recovery the medals.

You sound like a lovely mum and you and she will get thru this but certainly serious consequences need to play out.

I would want her father to actually see the state of the place, in the hope he is then fully onboard with how this is handled. It is all fine taking her phone, until he replaces it.

I would also want her making the effort to track down the stolen items. Via the school if needs be, to make contact with the Y11 leaver parents.

I would lay out exactly how much this has cost financially and emotionally and ask her how she plans to make it right. I don't know how I would ever be able to leave her home alone (yes, she was meant to be at her dad's) and she needs to understand that. Do you have Ring cameras at all? If not, get them, make sure she knows the house can be watched remotely - I made sure my 16 year old knew that before I first left him, and let the neighbours know I was away and asked them to get in touch if anything seemed off.