It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

That's absolutely awful for you, I would be absolutely devastated as apart from the physical destruction and losses from your house your daughter has acted appallingly, totally disregarding your feelings or respecting your property. To have friends in and make a mess is one thing, but for young people to deliberately destroy and trash your property and steal from you is totally out of order. Doubt your house insurance would offer any retribution either. I would see if I could find out who some of the "friends," she had invited were, possibly through school, and inform their parents what has happened in the hope they may offer to help with repairs etc. Her father should be supporting you in terms of her punishment and the clean up but I would definitely withdraw all privileges and ground her whilst she is in your care.

The other punishment is she won’t be allowed into the house when you are away until she’s 18 - install an extra lock for use when you are out of town and don’t give dc a copy.

Excellent post. Very well said.

I think you should be asking your house insurance if they will cover the damage.

They almost certainly won't. Your daughter let these people in, and they would argue that you were partly responsible.

And simply for attempting a claim like this, they'll put up your premium next year, as you've demonstrated a possible future risk.

I am so sorry. What jewellery has gone missing? Just ordinary stuff, I hope, and not proper high-end and/or sentimental things.

Op ignore the batshit “send her to borstal / shave her head / march her through them streets while the public shout shame at her”
brigade. They would never do that to their own teens!

honestly I'd get her to sell her stuff to make it good. You're clearly not an impoverished family if you have a pool and a three story house so I'm assuming she will have some stuff worth a few quid whether that's a birthday handbag or jewellery or whatever. Unless it's a bequeathed necklace from a deceased grandparent, it can go. Sell her phone and give her a second half one from 5 generations ago. Even if she only sells hoodies for £3 on vinted it can all add up, and, tbh is a good excuse for a clear out anyway.

While some stuff, like the additional people turning up, might be out of her control, SHE made the decision to have a party, SHE made the decision to drink and then keep drinking, SHE made the decision to not call her dad or the police when the uninvited people showed up and started causing issues...

The trouble is, it's not just dirty, it's trashed. She's not a builder.

I think you should be asking your house insurance if they will cover the damage.
Your dd should ask her friends that attended to put a few £s in to cover the cleaning. I would install ring door bells at all entry and exit points after this, as despite her remorse you are never going to feel relaxed going out in the evenings with this hanging over you.

I would also have some punishments ready for her. No phone for a week and cleaning of the entire house and garden. Washing windows etc.

Once settled down, you both need to talk about alcohol and why she felt the need to get so drunk. She is very young. I would be most worried about the danger of drinking at this age.

No phone or money for a few months at least. And long days cleaning, until it's clean. That's her weekends taken care of. Make sure you put your feet up.

You obviously have failed to instill a sense of responsibilty in your daughter- I would let someone else have a go- I would send her to boarding school , they will give her unbreakable boundaries, and it will also take her away from her friend group, which is obviously a big part of the problem.
Grounding her is nowhere near enough to mitigate behaviour like this- she started with deception (the sleepover, she exploited her Dad's relaxed attitude-he did not check) she then went on to completely disrespect your, and her own home, and she allowed even more outrageous behaviour by her friends- the stealing, the breaking things and egging.
She does not respect lor appreciate her home, therefore remove her from it so she can she it's value.

This happened on her father's watch.

Had she caused damage and destruction on someone else's property I daresay that owner would be coming for him for compensation.

I would consider telling her father he is jointly responsible for the financial losses.

At her age I think equipping her to make good decisions is more important than punishment. If she is sorry and remorseful.

Giving her strong coaching on resisting peer pressure. Thinking through consequences. About when to call for adult help. About thinking what is more important - her having fun or respecting other people's property.

I would find out how she came to make such a choice. Talk through with her what was in her head. Ban her from outside socialising with any friends in cahoots. Understanding the consequences of what she has done - disturbance to the neighbour, her name known to police, if the neighbour hadn't got it stopped she could have been very seriously at risk - drink related , sexual assault etc.

Getting her to think and listen are more effective at this age than punishment, IME.

No-one has died
That was surely down to luck.

Steady on with the whole live like an Amish thing 🙄. Yes it’s bad and consequences are definitely needed but don’t go too far and annihilate your relationship. No one has died. She needs to be able to come to you in the future. I speak as someone who flies off the handle. We had a much much more minor version of this and I got too angry. I do regret that now.

I’d be raging and heartbroken- it’s such a huge abuse of trust for you and poor DS.

Agree with the suggestions about natural consequences. She pays for cleaning and damage. She puts up posters locally requesting return of DS’s medals. She apologises to you all for lying. She hands over passwords so you can check her social media and loses her phone and any other tech plus the house keys, indefinitely.

"Living like the Amish" was exactly the same thing that came to my mind when I thought about what the consequences would be for my kid. And it would be for a hell of a lot longer than a week.

OP you must be devastated, I’m so sorry this has happened. It sounds like you really need some immediate cash to help pay for the damage, could you possibly set up a GoFundMe, with pictures of the damage and send it to as many parents of attendees that you can? If my DC had attended a party where someone’s home was wrecked, I’d happily contribute using my own DCs pocket money.

Losing the sports medals must be devastating for your DS, I know how hard won they are. Your DD really must do her absolute utmost to get those back. Someone will know who took them and she needs to take responsibility for getting those back.

Have jumped in from page 2 but IF you have Accidental Damage cover on your insurance they MAY cover the cost of the damage, depending on the policy wording - hope your DD can face up to this and what her actions led to

"I didn't expect this for another few years"
Why were you expecting it at all, OP? It's not usual, nor is it a rite of passage.

I think there are two important things that shpuld be addressed before discussion of betrayal, damages, costs & punishment.

A. You've a 15 year old drinking herself into a very vulnerable state. Her safety is paramount. She's lucky she wasn't assaulted, or injured or needed her stomach pumped. Yoy need to have a conversation around safety first.

B. She also needs a plan for when she's in over her head. Not just for occassions like this but any time, she's in trouble or in situations she can't control. This didn't have to escalate to the extent it did if she has been encouraged and thought to pick up the phone "Mum/Dad I did something stupid and I need your help fast".

I was raised to make that call no matter what and ths punishment would be far greater for not making it than the action that led to the situation in the first place.

All the rest can be sorted out afterwards but yoy need to put things it place that ultimately help keep your daughter safe becsuse that is the priority.

This. She is never left alone in the house, does not have a key and if that means sitting on the doorstep after school until you get home, so be it. Any money she possesses is taken to pay for the damage, including future birthday money or earnings until it is paid off, including compensating her brother for his stolen property.

Any guests you know the names of, speak to their parents.

Wow the damage is horrific. I didn’t know that stuff still happened, how disrespectful

Yes, when this happens, they often think the property is a soft touch anyway and often come back.

if she’s going into year 11, she doesn’t get to go to her prom as punishment

I’d be doing the whole ‘I’m so angry, I can’t even look at you right now’ speech along with ‘your being sorry won’t pay for all this damage or get the stolen items back, will it?’.

I’d want to see action coming from her to help clean up, rather than hear apologies. I’d also tell her that while you will eventually forgive her stupidity, you will never forget the feeling of having your home violated in this way.