It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

@Wtafdidido Sounds like she needs serious consequences. I would take any savings she has and stop her allowance until all damages and thefts have been made good.

Hahaha, "allowance"? Do you live in the US?

British children and teenagers are generally not given money by their parents routinely, and most do not have any significant savings. There was virtually nothing in my bank account until I got a job at 17.

For God’s sake. Do people really think in such a limited way? ‘Off to boarding school’ as if that’s some magic solution.

@IllBiteYourLegsOff broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.

I'm more concerned about the fact that your DD has friends who are clearly complete weirdos. Very strange behaviour from teenagers.

Sounds like she needs serious consequences. I would take any savings she has and stop her allowance until all damages and thefts have been made good. I would stop paying her phone contracts and allowance until same and would probably also take any items she values until same. She has let you down appallingly but seems to not really be suffering the heartache you are. Have the police cautioned her? I would be beyond livid.

What? 😂

I’d remove her keys - she is no longer allowed free access to the house as you cannot trust her. certainly if she is at her dads she leaves her keys behind.
remove access to phone: She is no longer allowed on social media.
she gets a job and pays back what she owes.
her dad contributes as he was responsible for her when she held the party.
you sell some of her stuff to recoup costs quicker.
post on local facebook about the party and lost medals to reach out to y11 parents.

Well yes, I know this won't fix everything that's wrong with the house. It's more about making her feel the consequences of her actions.

she needs to stay at her dad’s for a couple of weeks while you get the house sorted

What?

She needs to be there everyday cleaning it!

Did you expect that your children would be in and out of your house while you were away? To me, there's an aspect of dishonesty and disrespect here that goes beyond "just" throwing a party that got out of hand (she may genuinely not have anticipated the party being advertised online, and it may not have been her or her close friends that did that) and being too drunk/inexperienced to limit the impact/ask for help. If you expected that you were closing up the house and it would be empty while you were away, there's a real level of disregard that she didn't even give you and her brother the chance to secure your bedrooms or remove any irreplaceable items. Then there's the intentional lying to her dad about where she would be - presumably even though he's permissive he would not have agreed if she'd said "I'm going to go sleep at Mum's tonight"?

I think the most critical things right now are what you're already doing. (1) Find out what was going through her head and what really happened (I'd be most concerned about the lying/calculated dishonesty and the drinking). And (2) get her dad on side; it's crazy to me that he knows what happened and still lets her go out with friends. Does he understand that he can no longer believe ANYTHING she says, and she could be anywhere doing anything - AND she doesn't have good enough judgement to stay out of serious trouble? You know best if it makes sense for you to come up with a proposed plan for the consequences/restrictions on your own and ask him to adopt it too or if you want to brainstorm together but I'd try to talk with him face to face, maybe a video call if not possible in person, to make sure you have his full attention and there's no miscommunication. But I would focus at least as much on her safety and well-being and preventing any kind of recurrence as on "punishing" her.

Finally - what your daughter has done has created a lot of work and a lot of bad feeling. Support her, but make it her responsibility to fix things. She needs to understand the impact her decisions have had on others, and that it's not always possible to fix things or make amends no matter how much she wants to or how hard she tries (e.g., brother's missing medals). I would put the burden on her, as much as is appropriate for a 15yo, and let her get help, etc. from her friends and the other partygoers whether that be information or money or help getting the stolen items returned.

Your daughter let these people in,

Well that's the thing isn't it?

She didn't just tell a few friends to be there at a certain time, it was open house!

I'd be furious at that stupidity.

I would not have her back with me. Banish her to her fathers home full time.
Maybe review in 12 months time.
OP you have so much going on in your life, so many problems to solve. You deserve clear space.

Yes, maybe she could sell it to raise the many thousands she'd need.

Read what she says about her current work situation.

She has an ‘above ground pool’.

I would be telling both DD and her dad that, since he doesn’t care about consequences she can stay with him for the foreseeable. I wouldn’t be able to look at her honestly. She’d be at her dad’s until she can show remorse or make amends.

I think she has to actually SEE your devastation. Do not put on a stiff upper lip or minimise your feelings in any way. If you feel like crying, let the tears roll.

She has to experience the consequences her actions have had on you.

And don't minimise her hand in this. No talk of older teens making this happen - SHE set the ball rolling. Where it would roll was - frankly - entirely predictable.

I might need her to stay at her dad's for a bit.

Controlled consequences are probably a good idea.
Bit late now, but FWIW I wouldn’t have left her with a key while I was away.
Doesn’t matter how good they are, at that age they are often easily led and make bad decisions.

I guess you’ll not be leaving her access while you’re away for a while now!
my kid was never a bad kid, had nice mates and I was always welcoming but at some point a new friend joined who had poor behaviour and they all followed him so I could no longer trust them.

We had an additional lock that our child didn’t have a key for so when we were away (he’d be with his dad) we used the third lock (if I’m honest it was as much to stop his dad using it as a free hotel as much as anything).
I’d be annoyed about the damage but equally I’d consider it as much my fault for leaving a 15 year old with a key to an empty house because I remember being that age and going to those parties!
It’s great that you get on with her dad but if she knows she can play you off against each other she will exploit that. It’s vital to present a united front otherwise it just looks like he’s undermining you. i think you’d be quite fair to send her to her dads for the rest of the week.

Yes, it sounds like the OP can definitely afford boarding school...

Give your head the proverbial Mumsnet wobble, mate.

I would definitely advise this.

Our old neighbours daughter did the same. They were on holiday and she was having a gathering until it got out of hand and full beer cans were thrown into our garden. She was in a panic so my husband who is 6’ 1” pretended he was a copper off duty and cleared them out. Her parents weren’t best pleased, she was grounded, mobile confiscated and made to clean up the mess. Fortunately nothing was stolen. I just don’t know why kids think it’s ok to do this, I wouldn’t have dared to do it, my dad was so strict, scarily so.

Helping to clean it all up? She should do it herself, maybe with help from some of those "friends" who trashed the place.

The only way she’ll learn is by helping you clean it all up. It will take ages but that’s the only way forward. She was also a victim of the theft so I suppose she’s experienced a consequence too. Never ever leave her home alone again. She’s lost her freedom and trust being home alone.

Oh OP, that sounds awful.

1. DD put herself in a situation where she wasn't safe, for a start. Anything could have happened to a drunk just 15 year old in the unsupervised company of out of control older teens. She must have felt helpless and vulnerable and that's a lesson in itself. The kids knew what the consequences would be for her, and they didn't care. Socially (which is massive for a girl her age) this is devastating for your DD. She's been humiliated and is already suffering.

1. It's the deceit. I appreciate that teens are impulsive and reactive, but this was planned and calculated.

She didn't mean it. Of course she needs punishment but mostly she needs education. People get hurt in situations like the one she put herself in. Yes the state of the house is something I'd be getting a payment plan in place for, but the scariest part for me is how unsafe DD and her friends were until the police showed up. What might have happened if they hadn't doesn't bear thinking about.

Ok let’s not get carried away now. How to alienate your daughter permanently!
I used to work in a boarding school, there were drugs found, pupils sneaked out at night , underage drinking. Just because it’s a boarding school doesn’t mean perfect behaviour . Plus being away from home and family is hard, things are better now in boarding schools but my husband was quite scarred by his days boarding .

Also she gets a job - if she tries there is employment, we have a young lad who washes and vacuums our cars because he needs money for a school trip and he leafleted the neighbourhood to get clients. Babysitting is another idea, she needs to make amends even if it’s covering every penny

She lied and deceived and drank so much she wasn’t aware of her own safety or that of your home. YANBU!!!

Firstly, she was fortunate to be safe. She needs to see how that is a matter of luck and nothing else. You could have been dealing with a devastated daughter as well as a damaged home. I’d be talking about that.

Secondly, her luck at being safe means she is now to sort out the mess she made. She has no money now, but she will int he future. This is a long-term bill for you to agree and her to pay as soon as she can. 20% from her first incomes to pay for whatever is needed

Thirdly, if she won’t tell you who the children were, maybe someone else can — those lovely polite friends of hers who weren’t drunk…