It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

Do you genuinely think that this falls into 15 year old "stupid" behaviour?
It's really far worse. Destructive and very, very dangerous

Some of the responses on here are a bit unhinged! Of course you're not going to send her to live at her dad's or not speak to her for a long time! She's your child!

Yes she did something very stupid, but she's barely 15 and 15 year olds do stupid things. They literally don't have the brain development to think about consequences and how things can go pear-shaped.

You have every right to be cross and upset and yes of course she should have to pay for the damage, do the clean up and make whatever reparations you see fit. But let's not get carried away, we've nearly all done stupid things as a teenager. It's a lesson learned for her and for you - next time you're away lock up the house and take her keys away!

It's really unbelievable they took the sports medals. There is literally no monetary value to them. And the egging, the lentils - this is an attack, not people messing around and getting too drunk (and throwing up where they shouldn't.)

There is lots to unpick here in terms of how this all went down and who attended the party. I would be trying to get to the bottom of that, but your DD also needs to have it drilled in this should never have happened. I am not even sure what punishment to suggest - it's all so out wrong/out there. I would start by taking the smart phone though, maybe until A level.

Im glad you find it funny.

It's all worth it as you earn good money hey?

You know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Do you not feel horribly guilty for what you did, and put your mother through? I don't think anyone would look back and laugh at having your home violated and sentimental items stolen.

Well, you'd hope so, at a bare minimum!

If she’s a good kid, then she will feel devastated by this too. And feel so guilty about stuff being taken and your son’s medals.

Worth checking your insurance to see if any costs are recoverable. Having the police incident number may help. I'd get a professional cleaning company in if possible. Re your daughter - very firm boundaries for some considerable time with a financial penalty. You can try getting dad on board but sometimes you have to let that go when they are being dickheads have a different stance on parenting.

do you think dad knew ? why did he just let her go off to this sleepover without checking or making sure she was there. As bad as it your lucky she wasn’t off somewhere she could have been in danger

Just wanted to drop in and say I did this to my mum when I was 14/15…. Twice! Maybe not quite as bad as you’re describing but house trashed door pulled of hinges passports and luxury goods and cash stolen from the house…. It was bad. Anyway I was grounded wasn’t allowed to go on a group trip and I think I may also have been suspended from school that year for a different reason… or maybe it was the one after . Anyway I got my shit together went to uni married a lovely guy and now have a killer 6 figure salary in finance so I can assure you that even the naughtiest daughters can turn out ok. My mum and I are super close and we laugh about that time a lot these days. One day you’ll look back and laugh too promise!

It concerns me that your friends have relationships with weird men.

In relation to the medals and other items that have been stolen, what about posting on your local FB group and ask for it to be shared as well as the School social media to see if other parents can help get your stuff back.

I had this once where jewellery was stolen from our house after a party where kids turned up who DS didn’t know.
he Did manage to make contact with friends of friends and warned them to bring it back.

worth a shot??

You sound so kind.
I would be beside myself with rage.
The violation of my home.
These days with social media you cannot risk an empty house with anyone having keys.

Your Ex is partly responsible.
He clearly didn't check she actually was going on a sleepover.
How did she gain access?
Take any key from her.

I actually would want her home to clean and clean.
No technology whatsoever.
Your poor son's stuff and the theft of your bits.
Horrendous.

20 years ago before the internet was really up and going my friend was on holidays.
Her 18 year old was staying with friends as she didn't want her in their beautiful home alone.
She had a few friends back with the spare key but word got out and another 30 turned up.

They parked on her huge lawn and because of it being wet, it was completely dug up.
They didn't thrash the house but her beautiful floors were very badly marked where stilettos had done real damage dancing.

Vomit was in every pot and a few cigarette burns ruined several sofa's.
Her daughter couldn't get them out, but they did eventually leave.

She was devastated and my friend was so upset to come home after a great holiday to her house so violated.

Her daughter had done an excellent job cleaning with friends, but the smell of vomit stayed until she found it in the bottom of plant pots all over the house.

They moved two years later and she said she never felt the same about the house.

Unfortunately I have heard of a few awful thrashing of houses in the last few years.

There really seems to be an absolute profound disrespect of other peoples homes.
So upsetting OP.
I really feel for you.

I really hope this works for OP.
The insurance may try to say that they arent covered as they were guests of the DD, so will need to be clear on what happened. If gatecrashers came etc.

A friend had a very similar party when we were 15.
The troublemakers were her ex and his friends.
Done to get revenge for her breaking up with him.

Of course you need to remove devices, etc to punish her, and make her pay for the cleaning, and continue to clean/repair items, etc, but being a kid, she is probably somewhat oblivious to the long-term consequences.

I would be making it very clear that this isn’t just about the damage to your home, or the theft of your property… She needs to understand that her stupidity has resulted in you and your son feeling violated and unsafe, and it is going to take a long time and consistent effort on her behalf to earn your (& son’s) trust again. She may never be able to make amends for the missing items and damage done to physical things, and she may never be able to undo the hurt and sense of betrayal she is responsible for with you and your son.

Has she said she will go to any local pawnbroker shops to see if sports medals are there.? If not then make her do that, has she anything in her room that is valuable. She can sell things until she has compensated you. Sadly you have raised a totally stupid girl. She didn't think about the consequences. Tell her from me she is a really stupid girl. I am livid on your behalf. Your stupid ex can pay off all the repairs for now as he stupid for believing her.

Have you tried your home insurance? Report the damage to the police for a crime reference number and get them to deal with it. As for your daughter- it would depend how sorry she is.

100% she can be held responsible. She lied to her father and organised a party in the family home, she invited at least one other person, she drank alcohol such that she was drunk, she didn't at least call her father once it was clear the party got out of hand ...

I wouldn’t be ‘upset’ I’d be fucking fuming! The consequences would be severe!

No sympathy from you then!
Holy Lord

Wow this doesn't sound like a 'classic' teenage out of control party at all - to me that means things being bigger/drunker than planned and things being damaged by mistake (drinks spilt on carpet, sickness etc). It sounds like your home was deliberately vandalised. You are completely right to feel devastated.

Omg I am so angry at your daughter. I want to read her the riot act on your behalf. Tbh in your shoes I’d contemplate sending her to her dad’s semi-permanently, or to boarding school.

She has also clearly shown she is not responsible enough to have social media or mature enough to know right from wrong so 100% my child would have their phone confiscated and only have a basic one with no internet capability until her remotes and actions can show she has wised up. She will be upset but maybe that will give her an insight into how she has made you feel.

They are unlikely to be her friends. They are other teens who probably came with the sole intention of causing damage, unfortunately.