It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

I'm so sorry OP. Is there any way of finding out who did the damage? If over 18, you could perhaps get them arrested if any evidence of them entered? At the very least they were trespassing if your dd didn't know or invite them..

What kicking did you get? 🤷🏻‍♀️

And where was the rudeness? You are the one that referred to another poster ‘nitpicking’

Your suggestion was unworkable and this was explained to you. Somewhat dramatic response by you in return.

This happened with my BIL when he was an older teen and my in- laws went on holiday and left him at home. Afterwards he had to stay at his granny’s when they were out late but then they fitted internal locks on all the doors so he only has access to his bedroom and en suite and the kitchen. Worked well and also a deterant against break ins.

I wonder how poor DS feels about this and what his relationship with his sister will be like going forward. He's not going to see his medals again and they may have meant a huge amount to him.

I once had a party a bit like this. Admittedly, no damage was done - we moved things before it started and put them back afterwards. No police involvement either but we were busted by a returning parent who wasn't expected.

I'm sure it was a horrible thing to witness but both at the time and in retrospect, the handling of it felt dramatic.
It was described as 'the worst thing that has ever happened to me'. Accusations were also made towards my friends, when the responsibility for it lay with me. So avoid that if you can OP. I'm sure it's very far from ideal but hopefully not a traumatic incident to end all others.

Personally i think a lot of the blame would lie with your ex husband. she was left with the care of the child and obviously did not. he should have ensured where she was going and with who.
all i can say is claim on insurance and let the police do what they need to do re the stolen items. may teach some a lesson
if you are back now you can enforce grounding i would ensure other penalties like taking away phone and ipad. also i would have a long talk to her about the consequences of what she has done financially particularly and next time you go away think twice about leaving her with her father

Her daughter was staying with good friends nearby. She didn't want her in the house on her own.
After what happened, she was correct.
Her daughter was beside herself with genuine upset, and did a great clean up.
She had only wanted to go back to the house with a few friends, but word got out and that was it, people turning up to a free gaff.
These things can very very quickly get out of control.
So upsetting.
Another friend of mines neighbour had a gathering for her daughters 16 last year and they were in the house, the party was in the back of the house and garden !
Someone managed to get drunk, go upstairs and throw their absolute guts up all over her bedroom.
Bedroom absolutely destroyed.
She never found out who was responsible and she was in the house the whole time.

Oh sorry I forgot this is MN and we all have to agree with the rudest person or risk a pile on.

Fine, it was a silly suggestion. I retract it fully. OP, whatever you do, DO NOT speak to the school about this.

Okay now? You want to nitpick the rest of my response, or are you okay now that you've put me in my place over that one small suggestion-with-caveat that you thought would be a good opportunity to give someone a kicking?

I agree. My DCs told me years ago about the parties and trashing of houses and to be honest they were shocked. At one, a radiator was pulled off a wall, at another a washbasin, causing flooding.
Mine had a party at ours, we went to the pub round the corner and told them we would pop back whenever, and it would be unexpected. And we did. Worst that happened was some girl hysterical her boyfriend had finished with her so we had to ring her Mum, and the tiled floor was awash with spilt drinks. But easily cleaned and no damage. And we turned the music off and told them all to sod off at the given time!

Thank you. We do get frustrated with parents asking us to use valuable teacher time following up things which are nothing to do with the school.

The school will only become involved in identifying pupils if the police ask them.

I agree completely with @KatyaKanani

It is relevant to comment on, as you are suggesting it as a possible action. It’s nothing to do with the school. There is no pathway to investigate the possible perpetrators, with no meaningful evidence, via the school.

It’s such a silly line of thinking.

Maybe nitpicking my answer to your points is irrelevant, don't you think?
You want the school to help sort it?
I'm responding.
You don't like my response?
That's the nature of discussion.

I said 'if relevant'.

Maybe nitpicking on my post is a bit irrelevant to the thread, do you think?

I recall my late husband telling me that his son had once said that he would never hold a party at home - he'd seen too many homes being wrecked. This would have been when the stepson was a teenager in the '80s.

This ^

How could they do that, and how much teacher time would that involve?
Those other young people may not be students there.

Help identify the criminals who trashed the house and stole OP's and her son's stuff?

I'm so sorry this has happened to your home😔. The lying to her father & betraying trust must be crushing.
Absolute swines who turned up & trashed the place, some good pointers to see if you can try & retrieve sentimental/valuables, I hope they find their way back to you.

She's 15 & shouldn't have betrayed your trust & I agree she needs to feel your sadness & hurt BUT 15 is so young, you sound like a lovely mum & if she's anything like you I'm sure she's full of self recrimination.

Not much comfort now, but at about the same age my dd was invited to a house party (I was assurred a parent was at home) she came down with a head cold night before & didn't go in the event - the house didnt get trashed but 2 girls & a lad were taken to hospital after taking too much Ket. It could always be worse, always.

It will be a valuable lesson learned for her & take you a long, long time to trust her again. I really hope your sons medals come back to him🤞.

To add a bit of levity - my dd went to house party for a school friends 16th, Dad was in the house, Mum had gone for a well earned girls night out. We were asked to pick them up about 1 am, pulled up and blue flashing lights outside the house, worried parents outside, turns out the Dad had tried a hover board out, fell off it, smashed his head open & knocked himself out🫣.
A load of dolled up to the nines sober 16 years calmly explaining to paramedics what exactly had happened and one very annoyed mum saying "I'll will KILL HIM when he comes round! One bloody thing I ask him to do!"

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you💐

What would you like the school to do?

You need to tell her dad that she is responsible for your home being ruined and now is not the time for him to be laid back fun dad
He can be that when it is HIS home that gets trashed.

I would take everything she has that would fetch some cash, sell it and use it to fix whet I could
And I would take her key away.

OMG OP how horrible and frightening. I'm so sorry.

I think there should be some significant consequences for this, but maybe the most important thing is to make sure your DD understands how her choices led to these losses. I would be wanting her to really work through this and take responsibility for the choices she made.

Obviously no pocket money for a good long time. I would heavily restrict her phone usage also, and be checking it every single day (really for her own safety as she clearly knows some horrible people.)

In terms of getting things back, I would contact the school (if relevant) and post on fb. I would also be back in touch with the police and expect DD to share ALL relevant identifying information with them and you.

Obviously your friend had a reason not to trust her DD. But goodness, the idea of having to lock my child out of their own home when I'm on holiday is something I cannot imagine.

"Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week."

Gobsmacking. No, she should not spend any more time at his house until you are on the same page with your values. I guess how well co-parenting works can change over time; it sounds like you're moving in different directions.

Need a hard chat with him too.

I'm so sorry OP.

This ⬆️.
It's really not funny at all.