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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

692 replies

IllBiteYourLegsOff · 30/08/2026 08:11

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Gallowayan · 30/08/2026 16:04

No advice but just sorry that this happened.

Carandache18 · 30/08/2026 16:03

My own dcs never got the chance, and they still resent that they were never able to have an unsupervised teenage party at home, and I feel a bit guilty about it.)

I guess I feel guilty because they felt untrusted. And it's true, I didn't. 2 of the 3 were very silly teens. It's a bit funny now that the most rebellious and wild has now bought a house with his girlfriend and it's immaculate. I hardly dare to sit down in it. (When I think what he did to my house...)

PleaseDontAsk · 30/08/2026 15:58

Carandache18 · 30/08/2026 15:55

This happened to my friend. Her insurance helped (ruined carpets and beds mainly). Her dd and ds were 15 and 16 and the event got out of hand very, very quickly- the police closed it down by around 10pm but the damage was done by then. I don't remember any thefts though, just horrible damage, garden ruined as well.
I hope you have insurance that can help. It must be devastating for you. I'm not making any excuses for your dd, but she is very young and would never have intended what happened.
(My own dcs never got the chance, and they still resent that they were never able to have an unsupervised teenage party at home, and I feel a bit guilty about it.)

Why do you feel guilty?!

They lived with you, but it's your home, not theirs. They don't pay for it. You do.

My own dcs never got the chance, and they still resent that they were never able to have an unsupervised teenage party at home, and I feel a bit guilty about it.)

If They want to throw a party that gets out of control and results in property damage and destruction of belongings, they can wait until they're young adults and throw a party in their own home that they pay money for.... Funny that didn't think they'd want to do it.It's only fun when somebody elses property and belongings get smashed up.

KatyaKanani · 30/08/2026 15:58

Carandache18 · 30/08/2026 15:55

This happened to my friend. Her insurance helped (ruined carpets and beds mainly). Her dd and ds were 15 and 16 and the event got out of hand very, very quickly- the police closed it down by around 10pm but the damage was done by then. I don't remember any thefts though, just horrible damage, garden ruined as well.
I hope you have insurance that can help. It must be devastating for you. I'm not making any excuses for your dd, but she is very young and would never have intended what happened.
(My own dcs never got the chance, and they still resent that they were never able to have an unsupervised teenage party at home, and I feel a bit guilty about it.)

Don't feel guilty. You did the right thing!

PleaseDontAsk · 30/08/2026 15:56

madaboutpurple · 30/08/2026 15:51

You and your son could break anything she values in her room so she gets to know how it felt having that done to your things and your son's. The stupid little madam needs a taste of her own medicine.

It's surprising that none of her belongings were broken or smashed. Suggests, she was more in control than thought and was able to prevent people from breaking her things.

Carandache18 · 30/08/2026 15:55

This happened to my friend. Her insurance helped (ruined carpets and beds mainly). Her dd and ds were 15 and 16 and the event got out of hand very, very quickly- the police closed it down by around 10pm but the damage was done by then. I don't remember any thefts though, just horrible damage, garden ruined as well.
I hope you have insurance that can help. It must be devastating for you. I'm not making any excuses for your dd, but she is very young and would never have intended what happened.
(My own dcs never got the chance, and they still resent that they were never able to have an unsupervised teenage party at home, and I feel a bit guilty about it.)

madaboutpurple · 30/08/2026 15:51

You and your son could break anything she values in her room so she gets to know how it felt having that done to your things and your son's. The stupid little madam needs a taste of her own medicine.

LakieLady · 30/08/2026 15:50

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 30/08/2026 15:13

Her father played a part in this: he took her word for it about the sleepover. At that age, I would be confirming with the parents what the arrangements are, not just taking a 15 year old's word for it. It could have been much worse than a party at your house and he was naive in believing her. She needs to provide you with full disclosure, work to make amends and win back trust. You do need to try to find out why she thought it was acceptable to lie and hold the party. Was she put up to it by a friend rather than it being her idea.

Full sugar coke removes egg from glass and frames.

I'd be bloody cross with her father, too. He was really irresponsible to just take her word for it that she was going to a sleepover.

shockthemonkey · 30/08/2026 15:49

Also agree I would make sure your ex does whatever he needs to do to make sure this is fixed.

madaboutpurple · 30/08/2026 15:49

I doubt any local place would want to employ such a stupid girl ,if they do the girl can just hand over her wages for the next few years. I would get the money from her equally stupid father who didn't check on her story and equally make her pay back . If she was my daughter then she will be facing recupusions for a long time to come

JuliettaCaeser · 30/08/2026 15:47

Ring doorbells are great for monitoring this age group.

shockthemonkey · 30/08/2026 15:47

SereneFinch · 30/08/2026 08:19

I think it would depend on her attitude. Is she sorry?

If randoms turned up and trashed the place, I don’t think you can hold her responsible for that. A fifteen year old girl cannot control others. But make sure she has learnt the lesson of why parties are difficult and what to do if things are getting out of control.

I think if she threw a party unauthorized having tricked both parents, any damage that ensues absolutely is on her.

To an extent you’re right that a fifteen year old cannot control others. That is precisely why fifteen-year-olds are not allowed to throw parties unsupervised.

OP, she needs to make amends, clean up and replace stolen and broken items. She will need to do most of the work herself, and if she doesn’t have the funds for replacing items, then it comes out of pocket money or future earnings.

I am so very sorry about your DDog, as I know only too well you will still be grieving him or her. My deepest sympathies 💔

KatyaKanani · 30/08/2026 15:30

DryadsRest · 30/08/2026 15:24

Yes, 15 is still legally a child

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She is, in every way. He's very lucky that nothing happened to her, what with everything else going on

DryadsRest · 30/08/2026 15:24

KatyaKanani · 30/08/2026 15:22

I agree. Not only that, he had no idea where his 15 year old DD was. Terrible.

Show quote history

Yes, 15 is still legally a child

DryadsRest · 30/08/2026 15:23

You might not need to be angry with DD she’s probably devastated and might be as distressed as you

KatyaKanani · 30/08/2026 15:22

DryadsRest · 30/08/2026 15:21

Really your ex p should contribute hefty sum as he was responsible for her at the time

I agree. Not only that, he had no idea where his 15 year old DD was. Terrible.

DryadsRest · 30/08/2026 15:21

Really your ex p should contribute hefty sum as he was responsible for her at the time

Bobcurlygirl · 30/08/2026 15:20

You have some excellent advice here OP but can I suggest you check your ring doorbell (if you don't have one, get one), or neighbours cameras to try and identify who these Randoms are. Get on local Facebook groups and show screenshots to try and contact them about the medals. I assume your ex is your sons dad? Why isn't he furious about the medals. Other stuff can be replaced but his medals are priceless to him so you need to track these down ASAP. Make a police report. You need a conversation with your ex husband to get on the same page. The damage happened on his watch.

Usefuladvice · 30/08/2026 15:13

IllBiteYourLegsOff · 30/08/2026 09:14

Snap, for a start. Maybe Tiktok. I read an old Mumsnet post in the night suggesting taking her phone and checking Snap and Tiktok history. I would love someone to hand back my son's medals - leave them on the doorstep. They have no value to anyone. So I would love to track people down. They were all year 11 leavers from DD's school. She claims not to know which ones, but surely she must! I would happily contact their parents.

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I think this is significant. Make her tell you who they were OP and start contacting parents to try find your son's medals when you have time. So sorry it's absolutely awful what happened.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 30/08/2026 15:13

Her father played a part in this: he took her word for it about the sleepover. At that age, I would be confirming with the parents what the arrangements are, not just taking a 15 year old's word for it. It could have been much worse than a party at your house and he was naive in believing her. She needs to provide you with full disclosure, work to make amends and win back trust. You do need to try to find out why she thought it was acceptable to lie and hold the party. Was she put up to it by a friend rather than it being her idea.

Full sugar coke removes egg from glass and frames.

KatyaKanani · 30/08/2026 15:11

EarringsandLipstick · 30/08/2026 14:55

What kicking did you get? 🤷🏻‍♀️

And where was the rudeness? You are the one that referred to another poster ‘nitpicking’

Your suggestion was unworkable and this was explained to you. Somewhat dramatic response by you in return.

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Quite. Just ignore.

Pistachiocake · 30/08/2026 15:08

AppleKatie · 30/08/2026 08:21

Id agree with you if she’d phoned the police and tried to get the randoms out herself, it doesn’t sound like she did this.

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And lied to her dad about being elsewhere (he presumably would never have allowed a 15 year old to be home alone, and the way it's written, dad isn't at fault as she lied to him).
Is she mad you went on holiday without her, OP? Or is she mad at either you or her dad, whichever she blames for the break up, and trying to upset whichever one of you?
Point is I'd get her into counselling. It's not like a party just got out of hand-she knew you were out the country, lied to her dad, and THEN didn't call the police (or her dad, or any other adult to help sort things out)-there are lots of deliberate choices that caused this to happen.

KeepPumping · 30/08/2026 15:04

Wbeezer · 30/08/2026 14:54

This happened with my BIL when he was an older teen and my in- laws went on holiday and left him at home. Afterwards he had to stay at his granny’s when they were out late but then they fitted internal locks on all the doors so he only has access to his bedroom and en suite and the kitchen. Worked well and also a deterant against break ins.

Excellent idea, he is really just one grade above the cat at that point?

KeepPumping · 30/08/2026 15:02

IllBiteYourLegsOff · 30/08/2026 08:11

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

You could tally the cost to replace everything and deduct it from any money you give her, starting now and front load it, i.e no money for as many weeks/months that it takes to pay off the damage, or suggest she gets a part time job to pay it off quicker.

MrsVBS · 30/08/2026 15:01

This sounds horrendous no wonder you are so upset anyone would be the same. Your daughter needs to be doing more than a bit of tidying up, she should be on her hands and knees scrubbing every last bit of crap up. I would be grounding her for the foreseeable and making her get a job to pay you back.

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