It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

I would come down on her like a ton of bricks. Sell or dispose of everything you can that she owns, especially sentimental or precious to her items. Leave her with basic clothes and bedding and that’s it. See how she likes her personal space being violated. Get rid of her phone. Use all the money she currently has to clean and replace what she can. Tally up the rest and when she earns make her pay every penny back. I wouldn’t be able to look at her. Actions have consequences

She has far too little to cover other losses, though.

she needs to get work at 15, and start paying of rthe damage

tbh that will be enough punishment to make her put right what she has allowed to occur in your home

Im 68 and I can remember things like this happening regularly when I was in my teens - it’s not something new. In those days, word just spread at the local pub, and by word of mouth, and hordes of people would turn up. I can imagine how the OP feels, and I would be so angry. If this had been my daughter, I would have grounded her indefinitely, removed her phone and laptop, and made her clear up the damage properly. If she had any savings I would expect her to use them, and I would also expect her to make enquiries to find out who might have stolen the missing things.

After you've spoken to her about her safety, what could have happened and how stupid she's been.

The first thing is that she cleans up and puts right what she can.

1. Phone confiscated for the foreseeable future. She can have a brick phone until she's earned (through chores etc) her smartphone back. I would be keeping it until at least October half term

2. Housekey is also confiscated. Again it can be earnt back eventually. She isn't allowed in the house without you, her df or another trusted adult supervising her

3. No sleepovers (at all) or attending parties at other people's houses.

4. No prom next year. This is non negotiable

Fwiw - If they stolen medals can't be recovered, most engravers should be able to replace them with replicas if you can describe what was written on them etc. Obviously it's not the same and it doesn't make up for what's she's done - but paying for them out of her money may go someway towards repairing the upset she's caused her brother

Sorry this happened to you op

If she has savings, they would be going towards repairs.

That is absolutely appalling!!! Who in their right mind would go into someone elses home and behave this way!
I would be furious.
Her Dad should be stepping up though seen as this happened when she was in his care.
So sorry. I feel for you.

I would get the locks changed and she does not get a key. She gets to learn how to repair everything that is broken or how much it costs to repair. I think phone confiscated along with any IT except for supervised hours for school work.

In all honesty I would be holding the father responsible he was meant to be the responsible parent here and he didn't do enough to ensure that he knew where she was and what she was doing.

Then the modern world sucks and is a dangerous place, more so than ever I think.

I feel for you. Your daughter has behaved appallingly. I would ensure she knows how devastating this has been for you. Allowing strangers into your home to destroy and steal your and your sons possessions is a total violation. She would be grounded for a very long time and I'm not sure when she would get her phone back.

It doesn't matter whether or not she posted on socials: she's still in the wrong for lying to her father and holding a party.

Back in '82, my younger flatmates organised a birthday party. Two randoms came to the door: "We heard the music, an' we've got a cairry oot..."

They tried to argue when I told them to leave. (They weren't over the threshold.)

I repeated the instruction to leave and they went. To be honest, the fact that my 6ft 2 boyfriend heard what was happening and deliberately loomed behind me probably did the trick.

The point I'm making is that gatecrashing does happen. Nowadays, once one gets in, then news of an 'open house' is going to get around.

Lentils in the above ground pool? Was the underground pool okay though?

The only parties that got out of control
round here were 14/15 year old ones even with parents there.

Ours have both had 2 big parties. Rules. You have to be 16 minimum 17 to have a party, You have a closed group chat strictly invite only. Fancy dress theme promotes better behaviour and leaves out the non invited. Parents there but upstairs and check every 30 mins. Neighbours warned with a months notice. Hard finish time. Collection midnight. They clear up.

Nearly at the end of the party stage thank god once they are 18 they just go out out. To be fair clubs are extremely hot on id now so parties end up being more sought after. At 17 we just went clubbing that’s much harder now.

She totally can hold the daughter responsible, she must have posted on socials for randoms to turn up. 15 is more than old enough to be held accountable for their actions.

Dad also needs to step up, would he be letting her out with friends if it was his house that got trashed

I think the birthday presents thing is a bit harsh…

I'd be selling some of her thing to pay for the damage...she can do this ...you have a book with costs and it gets worked off. It will teach a lot about working to provide for yourself etc..

If a Birthday is imminent I'd be tempted to wrap pictures of presents she's foregone as a result of this.

I would definitely have consequences that could be felt...rather than just words

At a loss as to what to advise as sounds that any consequences you impose on DD will only result in more rebellion by her. With her posting about party on phone confiscation would be an obvious start, but only if you are sure she would not rebel. DDs dad must carry some responsibility ie did he check with friend's parent about sleepover. Feel for you.

At 15 she's still a child and if her father was responsible for her for the week he needs to shoulder some of the responsibility for the party and sorting it out.

She or her mates should have called the police at that point.

and before you know it loads of randoms are barging into your house.

If only doors could be locked...

If you go away again, and she’s supposed to be staying with her dad, then learn from it. Take her door keys away next time.

Her father was the responsible adult in charge of DD at the time, so I would be making it pretty fucking clear I expect him to contribute to sorting it all out, financially and physically.

It wouldn’t necessarily have to have been the OP’s daughter who put it on social media. All it takes is for one kid to get wind of a party , then they advertise it all over Snapchat and before you know it loads of randoms are barging into your house. Such is the modern world.

Admittedly I'm out of touch but why did the party have to be advertised all over social media? Why couldn't she just invite by phone or message her own friendship group? This damage totally transcends someone throwing up in the fish pond and a broken vase or two. I'm so sorry OP, especially as life is so shit at the moment. I can say with all honesty that If I'd done this to my mother at 15 (or any age) I'd be packing my bags and buying a one way ticket out of town by now.

When they go on holiday, have a wild party and trash it 😉!