It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

Has your daughter made an effort yet into getting her brother's medals and sports cups back.? I would be insisting she put some time into doing this. Has she been able to sell any of her things to help with the cost of repairs. If not then she needs to crack on to show you mean what you say.

i think I remember that

Lady local to me went on holiday, her teenage son had a party, house got wrecked, local newspapers ( and I think maybe some nationals) ran the story calling him yellow pages boy. His mum was furious, she def didn't find it funny

I would be furious and remove her house key.

i think its important for parents and schools to talk about how not all friends or acquaintances are trustworthy.
I mean at school they lock the changing rooms in case things are stolen…
You dont want randoms in your house unsupervised. They could literally take anything. Keys, passports, birth certificates. Passwords. Credit cards, driving license!
And the worst of her throwing an unagreed to party is you couldnt put anything in a safe place even.
But also getting so drunk while in charge of the house so not calling the police herself.

Probably dad was a but naive about her having a ‘sleepover’.
Because even if it hadnt been a huge party could easily have been a sleepover at your house or 1-2-1 time with a boyfriend etc.

Also i think its important to tell her the story from pp of the sofa being burnt because the situation could have been even worse and the house burnt down.

The fact shes out with friends not only is dad useless but also she doesnt give a crap, no guilt!

So instead of feeling contrite about getting her brothers medals stolen she decides SHE will do some revision to get HER better Gcse grades and help HER future... Hmm not feeling much like remorse. Says she will pay for damage but with what? Has she actually come up with a clear plan of how to pay? Or does she think 2 weeks off tiktok and it's all ok?

Mumsnet is so batshit. From "send her to boarding school" to "take her on a spa weekend" Neither of which the OP can afford, even if they were sensible options (they're not)!

Eh, no. Some things are just objectively shit and having your house trashed, robbed and violated firmly falls into that category. No amount of 'life lessons', or 'well at least no one got hurt' exhortations would ever make me look back with anything but anger and hurt. I mean you'd have to move on but not everything can be wrapped in a bloody bow. And her 'smashing' her GCSE's is something she should be aiming for for herself, not some 'prize' to give her mother.

Parents will always find out!!

Oh! Actually I've just watched that, and there isn't the happy ending I remembered 😂

Oh Golly, I do!

There were drunken teens and mates, waking after a party to realise Mum and Dad would be home soon. They have a HUGE clean up and then realise with horror that someone has scratched the coffee table!

Cue frantic searching through the yellow pages for a 'french polishing expert' to come and restore it before parents arrive.

Smug teenager greeting happy parents at door...

"does no one remember the yellow pages advert for the French polishing expert??"

No I don't, @AGlessandahalf - intrigued!

I agree. My life genuinely wouldn't have been worth living, and I'm not joking. All my friends would have been frightened to death to trash their parents house too. In any event, it just wouldn't have occurred to them to do something so unbelievably awful. And this was the pretty wild 1970's.

Absolutely not - that’s rewarding some pretty dreadful behaviour. Having said that, walloping a child isn’t the answer either.

Id definitely expect ex to be responsible for the cost as he was the one who was responsible for her at the time. Also I'd expect DD to get a job to pay for some of the cost. If she has any items worth selling that would happen as well to compensate DS (So PlayStation mobile phones, anything worth over £50)

You definitely need to talk expectations to ex about him compensating you for cost of clean up, then he may take her consequences more seriously. Pretty sure family court woukd agree.

On a side I'd take her door keys away , and get a ring camera system fitted. Noone can come in or out without your knowledge then.

Good one.

Can you get the police to chase up the medals? It might also mean some financial contribution to clean up and replacement of other items if people are charged.

She should have been the one to call the police as soon as the criminal action started!

OP might not have a spare 45 k a year to pay for boarding school.

@IllBiteYourLegsOffthis all sounds positive both in terms of a plan to deal with the aftermath and your DD attitude.
sending positive vibes to keep it up.
do not capitulate and let her get away with anything early. Stick to the plan for repayment/chorws/grounding.
teens need boundaries.

she has been deceitful but it’s gone so badly wrong she could not have predicted it.

does no one remember the yellow pages advert for the French polishing expert??

Sympathy? The girl has lied, made very bad irresponsible decisions and let her friends run riot- sympathy was not my first thought, no.
Be sympathetic, make excuses for them right up until the law takes over and your excuses will no longer cut it- do you really think that would be helping her ultimately?

it's not a magic solution- but whatever has happened so far has abjectly failed so a radical approach is needed because these are serious issues.

This is awful, I really feel for you OP. My DDs are 21 and 20 now but I've just read this to DD2 and she was also appalled. I'd feel so violated in your place.

I'm glad your DD is at least showing some remorse, but I'd be taking every penny from whatever savings she has to put towards the cost of repairs. I'd also be asking ex-DH for a contribution to the cost, since he was supposed to be in charge of DD at the time and totally failed to keep track of her.

Also I'd be taking her house key off her and she has to knock and wait to be let in the house by you or her siblings. This will be massively inconvenient for her, but will make her realise that you don't trust her with a key now and she will have to earn your trust back.

Agree that Ring cameras will be good when you can afford them. I hope you get your son's medals back and have reported stolen items to the police and got a crime ref number for your insurance.

As a PP mentioned, do make sure your DD realises how she exposed herself to possible sexual assault, getting drunk into insensibility in a house with older teens she didn't know. That doesn't mean an assault would have been her fault but she needs to know that was very risky behaviour.

I think I'd ask her to speak to the wet wipes who she obviously knows, and advise them unless the stolen property is returned ASAP you will be contacting the police. You never know it might work they sound as thick as mince.

Think I’d do this too!