AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

But OP got her step-niece some lovely gifts and money, totalling £100 which is perfectly reasonable for a 17th birthday. The step-niece was happy with her presents and she didn't know about the previous gift of driving lessons to her step-sisters.

OP has said that the relatives on her brother's wife's side do not buy anything for her brother's children so OP's brother and his wife have got a massive cheek complaining that a £100 gift isn't a £1000 gift of driving lessons.

How big is the gap between the older ones and the youngest one now turning 17? How does the younger one even know about the £1000 you gave to the old ones?

Sounds like your brother’s been keying her up and telling her she’s going to get £1000 from you. Ridiculously assumption, even if the third niece is biological things and times change

since now you’re not giving it to her he looks like an idiot and so he sounding off to your parents.

Your parents really agree with them?

had they all have had the 17th birthday at the same time- I.e. biological twin nieces And stepdaughter niece, As an example, Then you’d be being unreasonable.

But you are not. The fact that your brother spoke to your parents and not you would really piss me off

I agree with this.
You've done nothing wrong. But you're being punished for a good deed from years ago!

There are some times when it's mean and thoughtless and petty to distinguish between children and step children. This is not one of them.

This. I hate these threads, really exposes the coldness of some people offering their opinions.

I'd really like to know if the step-niece's father gives the same to OP's nieces every time he gives money/presents to his own DD. If he doesn't, why on earth should OP?

Also, will he split his will four equal ways (assuming that he's the father of the step-nephew as well), when the time comes?

YANBU- you are extremely generous generally, you’ve given far more to your step-niece than we give to our biological nieces and nephews. Paying for driving lessons for your biological relatives is amazing! They are all very lucky.

I mean 1 driving lesson would cost £50, so probably A LOT.

I think your brother is a CF-er though. Why should you pay for everyone's driving lessons by default?! He should be very grateful you paid for your nieces.

£50 is plenty for a step-niece.

Op spent over a £100 with cash plus the other gifts.

Nope. Don’t bring it up. This is entirely his issue. If he brings it up, then you can absolutely have the conversation. Knowing that he didn’t discuss this with you directly but went to mummy tells me a lot.

For me, it depends how your brother sees them, and they him. If he sees himself as their dad and they see him in that way, I’d treat them the same as the other nieces. If not, then as step nieces. I’d definitely talk to him.

I wouldn’t expect a step child to be given the same large sum of money. Fair enough if their bdays were closer together, but it was some years ago you gave 1k each to your nieces. I guess he is now thinking they have to pay for lessons, but she could get a job. You’re not responsible for paying for them. Maybe send a message addressing it. Your brother is rude in my opinion. You were more than generous and sounds like the bday girl was appreciative.

Honestly people need to stop treating step children like they are biological children when they have both of their biological parents on the scene actively supporting them.

Being a stepchild was the choice their biological parents made for them, and it is not up to the stepparent and their extended family to shelter them from that reality by splitting their resources with the stepchild.

He hasn’t come to you directly so no way would I bring it up.

Id also tell my parents not to act as his carrier pigeon again.

I don’t think you need to gift equally, but the discrepancy here is so huge that it was always going to cause problems.

Your step-niece was in the picture when you gifted your nieces those huge sums, so it seems strange to me that you didn’t consider that you were setting a precedent. I’ve always considered that there might be potential future siblings I’d need to treat equally when deciding how much to give to friends’ or relatives’ first children, it seems odd not to have at least considered that giving her step siblings 10 times as much would cause a problem.

Could be,

Apparently, you haven’t stopped reading, because here you are commenting on the post.

It honestly doesn’t sound like SN or their Mum were worried about the present, but more like your DB was counting on it, which is grabby. I really hope he hadn’t told SN that you would be covering her driving lessons, but I bet he’s the sort to do that and now he has to come up with it himself because that was never a promise you had made.

It's crass to think you get a say in how someone else spends her money.

They won’t care because she’s not your step-aunt. Step-aunts, step-mums, step-grandmothers are expected to give, give, give. Step-uncles don’t have that much expectation placed on them for some reason.

So the OP is an obnoxious cow for giving her step-niece £100 worth of gifts?

Not that it really has any relevance but what did you Sil sisters buy for your nieces big birthdays? Is it really all one big happy family or just a expectation on you.

You don’t know the “emotional reality” - the fact based reality is that OP is not her aunt and acts in a way that reflects that while still being generous. Step niece is happy with this. Entitled, ungrateful brother is not. It’s really very simple.

You’re massively projecting your own feelings, creating your own narrative and misconstruing almost everything that’s been said. I think you’d benefit from some quite intensive therapy.

No, some of them will always choose to be obnoxious cows.

I have a bio aunt.
i get nothing from her. My sister gets loads.
They are close.

Seems fair to me!

Or am I an unworthy outsider?