AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

If he has been saying about what the other two got in front of his SD, then he's an idiot and very insensitive.

Even aside from the bio/non-bio issue, a lot can change in 6 or 7 years: plenty of families will have more money for an older child and less when a younger child is born, or vice versa, as family circumstances can change drastically.

I wouldn't raise this with him. What will he say, "we're really upset because you haven't treated SD the same as others and we think that's unfair etc". So you have two choices you either cough up the £1000 for driving lessons (you would already have done that if you'd wanted to, surely) OR you justify it by talking about blood ties or whatever and it changes your relationship forever. If I was you, I would crack on as if you'd never been told. You sound like a fantastic sister to him (looking after his children and step child when they're sick whilst he and his wife work - that's top level sistering!) and he'd be a fool to think otherwise.

Having said that, I probably would have treated her the same but I can't be sure as I don't know the situation as you do.

I find it really weird that people expect step children to be treated exactly the same.

Those of us who treat our stepchildren exactly the same don’t find it remotely weird because they’re our family.

In fact, you have specifically spoken about this family's situation, so this is not about 'in general'. You're talking about DSD experiencing and reacting to a difference, and as we have no information about whether she even knows, that was invention. If you'd only spoken in generalities, and not filled in any blanks, your posts would've been better. But that's not what happened.

YANBU - their father is very much involved in their lives.
They have 2 biological parents who chose to bring them into this world, so in my view also chose to provide for them.
It is therefore not your place to provide driving lessons for them
If your brother’s wife has convinced him that it is, he is being taken for a ride 🚗
And, whatever happened to gratitude over presumption? It is a GIFT.

I find it really weird that people expect step children to be treated exactly the same. I hope he didn’t get her hopes up that she’d receive her driving lessons for her birthday from you. But otherwise she knows you’re her step dads sister. You’re not her family. She has her own dad and I’m sure his family. When I was 17 my mums DHs parents were lovely to me, would get me little gifts to make sure I didn’t feel left out, but I didn’t expect them to spend the same as what they spent on their actual grandkids because I certainly didn’t see them as my grandparents. They were my mums husbands parents. People I knew but had absolutely no emotional attachment to. After my mum broke up with her DH I never saw them again

I find it hard to comment as there is so much context involved. You’re obviously a very kind and thoughtful person.
If her step dad is the only dad in her life and the only one she calls ‘dad’ then she is effectively your niece. However, if she already has a dad with whom she is in close contact then the situation is different. Because then she has a not only a parent but an extended family quite apart from your family.
Paying for her driving lessons would only be appropriate if this young person had been effectively adopted into your family via your brother without any other family of her own. For all we know, her bio dad might have already fixed driving lessons for her and her step aunt would be stepping on his toes.

I’m not “making up” her feelings - I’m acknowledging that large disparities in gifts within a family often do carry meaning, whether or not anyone voices it. Teenagers are very capable of noticing that two stepsisters got £1,000 and she got £50 and perfume. That doesn’t mean she’s entitled or upset, but it’s reasonable to consider how that might land and why her dad could feel protective. That’s the point I’m making and have being doing so repeatedly and you all seem to avoid the point.

The OP asked for opinions, and I gave mine, just as you are entitled to have yours. And failing to acknowledge even the possibility of how this may land is naïve.

And I have had my say and will not be changing my mind so this bot is signing off from this thread now. Good exchanging views with you all.

* SD has a mum, a dad and a step-dad. That’s 3 adults, one of which or all 3 together should have paid for her driving lessons if that’s what she wanted. It isn’t up to you, a non related aunt to fork-out.*

YES! Why aren't people understanding this?

As brother hasnt mentioned it then I wouldnt bring it up. He can be disappointed, likely realises his expectation re driving lessons is unreasonable and that is why he hasnt brought it up.

If he did tell parents so they would tell you that is manipulative and if he wants a conversation he should initiate not go via parents.

And the truth is neither of us know and I don't need therapy to make my right to an opinion stand, we are allowed different view points, just because you don't appreciate mine doesn't give you a right to minimise it and suggest I have issues, that says more about you than me.

As a matter of interest, does step daughters extended family treat brother's biological children in the same way at Christmas and birthday's?

I bet there was an expectation that they wouldn’t have to pay for driving lessons and now they have to cough up.

I was replying to the poster who had so much sympathy for the step-niece's situation

Sounds like your step niece was very happy with your gifts and as she was so young when you nieces turned 17 she is highly unlikely to know the ins and outs of who paid for their driving lessons. Point is, she won't be feeling hurt in any way. I would just not say anything. You haven't done anything wrong.

@OnTheWatersEdge SD has a mum, a dad and a step-dad. That’s 3 adults, one of which or all 3 together should have paid for her driving lessons if that’s what she wanted. It isn’t up to you, a non related aunt to fork-out.

He shouldn’t have assumed you were going to, he could have asked in advance if he wasn’t sure so that he along with her mum and dad were prepared for her birthday.

Some people would take the shirt from your back and think nothing of it.

Sounds like he's being grabby then. There's probably been discussion about driving lessons and he's told his wife "don't worry, remember @OnTheWatersEdge paid for other dds so let's leave it to her for dad"

INobody would expect £1k, but £50 ? To me that feels like you are sending a definite message of " you dont belong". Extremely tactless and tasteless imo.

’Prejudice’ 😂

OP’s ‘mentality’ is a completely normal one. OP isn’t treating his girl like her niece because she isn’t her niece, any more than OP’s SIL is her sister, of her MIL her mother. The relationships are not the same, and Op isn’t obliged to pretend they are. The brother is a cheeky fucker for expecting OP to cover this girl’s driving lessons.

YANBU, brother has had 7 years to save up for her driving lessons, she has her own bio father and mother who can pay. I don't see it as your responsibility to facilitate driving lessons for extended family members.

I wonder if he's going to have similar expectations about any inheritance the DNs might receive from wider family? That tends to be where people start differentiating.

How are your nieces treated by their step-Mum's family? Do they get treated exactly the same as your step-niece? Or is there a difference? Your step-niece has been in the family for 8 years, which is a fair amount but it's not the same as being in the family since being a toddler. Your step-niece also sees her Dad and his extended family.

Personally, I think you have been generous to your step-niece. It's not a given, that you should treat her exactly the same as your own niece's. She does have her Dad and his side of the family to receive gifts from too.

You helped your brother with driving lessons for your niece's, because you knew their Mum couldn't afford it, and your brother would struggle too. Your step-niece has her own parents, to help with this (and also extended family on both sides). It would be unreasonable if your brother to expect you to give a substantial sum of money to do this.

Step children are very different to adopted children - someone compared the two previously.

If the OP's DB divorced she could quite possibly never see the step children again.

As a couple you may choose to treat all children equally in your blended family but you can not expect others will. In real life it is quite normal to for example leave money in wills via the blood line. When my step father died his children inherited - never occurred to me to think I should have received anything.

The OP gave a nice thoughtful gift.

Also it was quite a while ago that OP gave the £1k to her niece and at that time maybe she didn't even know if the step children would still be in her life.

It’s so hard to comment. I have read all of your posts but I still can’t quite get a sense of the relationship between you and her. Or how much she is integrated into your brothers family versus her biological family. I think you’ve probably steered a sensible path through it. Sounds like she has her biological family very active in her life. If she rarely saw her own family and you were all her new family, then I would think it a bit off. But it doesn’t sound that way at all.