AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

What they could have done was to be very grateful that OP was offering to pay for their driving lessons, meaning that not only did they not have to pay then and there, but that they now had 7 years to save up for their next DD/SD to learn when she was old enough - that would have been achievable by them saving less than £3 a week, if they had cared enough about her.

Then, if OP had kindly offered to give her a grand too, or - amazingly - her own father saw his way to putting his own hand in his own pocket to pay for/towards it for his DD, they would then have had a spare £1K for a nice family holiday/experience/savings. The pure assumption is such arrogance.

Why did you post on here if you are certain you are not being unreasonable?

If step children lived with my relatives I wouldn't treat them any differently. My DCs partner of 2 years lives with us and my family treat her the same as my DCs. Its normal in our family. Personally I wouldn't want it any other way but each to their own, if you are 100% comfortable with it all then fine, its your decision and you have your reasons.

Edited to add: I dont think your brother shoild have assume, if it was such a big thing for him he could have communicated with you, it seems odd you are close enough to give his DCs 1k as a gift but not close enough to talk about this sort of stuff.

It's presumptuous to expect you to do the same thing for this child given that you said the other nieces turned 17 years ago, it should have been brought up.

£1k for driving lessons is a really generous milestone gift. If her parents wanted to make sure she wasn't left out, they should have spoken to you and not assumed a large gift was coming.

It sucks for the DSN that she didn't get the same present, but it doesn't mean it fell to you alone to deliver it. What would have been sensible is her actual parents (your DB) noted the expectation, and co-ordinated a similar gift from all family members if that was what your DSN was hoping for.

It's really weird of them to assume, even if she was another blood DN, that you would automatically definitely be in a position to give the same level of gifting as previous years, without any discussion. But again, it is a real shame for your step niece so hopefully they can co-ordinate something comparable for her Christmas gift.

Your brother is behaving awfully. He is expecting you to pay for something without talking to you, and has bitched about it behind your back. Circumstances change and people can't expect that kids of theirs years apart get the same treatment at milestones in their lives. DS3 (10) gets far less support from my parents than DS1 and 2 (19 and 17) did at his age because we are more secure, for example.

Your step niece may legitimately feel upset though. She has been part of a family for half her life, living the majority of time there. She has family beyond that unit, but this doesn't make her distinct within that unit, as so too do her siblings (your nieces-still-sure where their mum or her side of the family is or the contact there). Especially given the way brother behaves, she is likely to see this as because she is not biologically related, despite the lived reality of her family.

All depends really not on what you do with your money, but on whether you feel this is something you want to fix with your step niece. Do you want her to understand she is part of the family but circumstances have changed? Do you basically not consider her part of the family in the same way but want her to know you still care for her? Does your relationship with her matter to you, or is it more of a long distance thing with generous gifts?

I wonder if he expects your parents to will his SD an equal part of their estate as to their DGC.

I wondered this too. I'm thinking (I may be very wrong) that OP possibly doesn't have any children of her own, so her brother probably has her money and assets in his sights for his own children - and step-children - when the time eventually comes.

Meanwhile, I'm guessing that the same standard isn't being upheld for his step-children's father: that he should leave all of his money equally to his own children and to the children of his ex-wife's new husband.

Could it be that OP is very comfortably off - and thus seen primarily as a resource to be tapped - whereas the step-children's dad isn't, so no point in pumping a well that's nearly dry?

Sorry, but how the F does anyone think they can marry someone with children, and DEMAND that their wider family treat those children the same as their children? It’s utterly baffling.

They are not the same, if you can’t cope with that, don’t blend your family. You blended your family; your family did not.

I would leave well alone

She isn’t family though🤷‍♂️. I say that as a blended family of 7 kids and they get treated differently by each parents biological families. The choice to blend is that of the immediate family alone and not that of extended family.

YANBU obvs, it's insane to think otherwise. Step N's gifts sound lovely

I sort of see what you mean but for someone to end up “miffed” about their daughters having had two £1k presents is a bit much. If she’d given all three £100, everyone would be happy with her.

And that’s fine if you want to do that, I worked out I’ve had 7 nieces and nephews and because one of my brothers has gone from woman to woman there’s been 14 stepchildren throughout the years. I prioritise the children that are related to me as they are the relationships that’s will last the break ups and the test of time

Because people have this ridiculous idea that if you don't treat your step relatives identically to your bio relatives you're somehow the worst of the worst. It comes up time and again on MN and it's crazy. OP has done nothing wrong and I don't think she should raise it with whining, manipulative, CF brother. She doesn't have to justify herself and he can just stew in it.

did/do his wifes siblings give your nieces the same amount for birthdays etc? If they don't then they shouldn't expect you to also.

YANBU OP. If your brother adopted his SD then imo the argument that the girls should be treated the same would hold water. Failing that I’m afraid that the unpalatable truth is that he himself is treating SD differently to DD (I’m not saying worse, just differently). Children get 2 parents - be that biological, adoptive or any other permutation. He chose to end his first marriage and marry her mum which is always messy when children are involved, but that doesn’t make her the same as your niece - she still has an actual dad of her own and a family on that side. Your DB can be as disappointed as he likes but needs to accept the realities of blended families. I wonder if he expects your parents to will his SD an equal part of their estate as to their DGC.

So step daughter got treated to a holiday by her biological family, - hopefully it won't be her last holiday. Which probably cost a few quid. ⛱️
Bio nieces got treated to driving lessons by you, which did cost a few quid. 🚗

Both sets of families are looking after/ treating their own bio nieces for different things. 💕

I honestly don't see what the problem is? 🤷‍♀️
Your brother is being unreasonable. He should never have expected you to fork out and pay for more driving lessons. It really isn't your problem.
@OnTheWatersEdge

I don’t have an opinion on the rights or wrongs of your thinking, but if you say this to your brother I think you’ll have a family fall out. I wouldn’t bring it up with him and if he does to you I would say something along the lines of ‘I didn’t agree to do that for X, I wasn’t under the impression you thought I was’.

It’s your money and your business what you do with it. Isn’t for them to comment on who should get what. End of day it’s whatever you felt appropriate. Does the step child know you gave the others girls more? Either way be grateful and thankful someone had spent the time and effort to acknowledge your birthday would be the kind thing

Poor kid. It’s not her fault that her fault that her entire life has been split and she’s part of several families but not quite loved as much as other children in some of those families. It’s not her fault that your bio nieces get treated shittily by their step family. You don’t need to do the same.

Your brother probably hasn’t realised that you’ve treated step niece not quite as well as the others as there isn’t a huge difference between £100 and £200 for birthdays. He knows now and I’m not surprised he’s said something as it must feel like a huge slap in the face. Good on him for treating her like his own.

@OnTheWatersEdge Do SN's family spend the same on your db's own dc as they do on their own neice/dc?

I bet not, so why are they expecting you to do so?

SN has her own dad, aunts, uncles, etc, to buy her things or gift her money. It's not for you to do, and anyway, it sounds like the gifts you got her were thoughtful and appropriate to your SN's interests/wants, and were appreciated by her, wh8ch is all that matters.

Treating someone fairly, does not necessarily mean spending the exact same amount on them.

Just ignore your db, as yanbu.

I don’t give my step nephew the same as my nephews but we barely see him. I always make sure to get him something but he’s older so usually just Xbox/clothes vouchers whereas my nephews are toddlers so they get a big selection of toys.

I have only read OPs comments not the whole thread the actual nieces have been very very lucky but AS IF you give a grand for any reason to your brothers stepchild and he’s being very entitled to have expected it. YANBU @OnTheWatersEdge

This is purely me surmising, but I wonder if he maybe sees himself as some sort of patriarchal family 'fixer'.

He doesn't believe in putting his hand into his own pocket to pay for it - and he doesn't pursue family members whom he knows wouldn't stump up (e.g. his SD's father paying for his own DDs); but "I've had a word with my DSis and she's now agreed to cover your driving lessons" - that kind of thing.

Teenagers are very capable of noticing that two stepsisters got £1,000 and she got £50 and perfume. That doesn’t mean she’s entitled or upset, but it’s reasonable to consider how that might land and why her dad could feel protective.

But teenagers aren't stupid - the girl in question will be fully aware that has her own bio family, and I doubt she had any expectations that her step-aunt would be funding her driving lessons!

You can agree whatever you like. Meanwhile, you have no idea whether DSD even knows about the gifts years back, and thus any claims that the disparity is having an impact on her are made up. Your agreement or disagreement won't change this fact.

Agree to disagree because I have talked about this from every direction and you are not getting my point and I don't have to agree with yours.