AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

It's a tricky one. I've been the wealthy sibling. I paid for loads during my nieces and nephews childhoods. I was ill for two years, deaths door. I only saw one of the blighters!
Just tell your brother you don't have that money spare ATM.

the OP’s brother is not her dad. She has a father who she sees regularly.

Good for you, I think you’ve been perfectly fair. I expect his wife is giving him grief over it, and it’s more to do with saving them money than any perceived injustice.

I think he's in the wrong and extremely cheeky. I think, he should have spoken to you in advance to let you know it wouldn't be expected. Difficult situation for you when you're obviously in the position to be very generous to your nieces.

What did your parents say to him? They they agree with him?

I do think she is unreasonable but not for not giving 1k, more for such a huge difference and not being more upfront with her brother. I dont think treating them the same means exactly the same monetary value for gifts, that's so superficial. There's way more to life. It is the not blood relatives comments I find unpleasant but like I say, its just my opinion, you or anyone else dont need to agree with me but I certainly wont be changing my views.

Well you’re suggesting that you’re treating this adult like one of your own and that the normal thing to do in your family. Which implies you think OP was unreasonable. I’m just asking how far that goes. If your treating them the same because you spent £50 on them for their birthday like you did your kids then that’s very easy to take the moral high ground but it’s not comparable to a big gift that OP is expected to provide. If you’ve recently gifted your DC a car and plan to do the same for their DP, then that’s fair enough

It will cost you £2k for both of your brother's step children. They've been around for eight years.
Is it worth losing your brother over this?

Isn’t it more heartless to treat dc’s partner like one of your own and then not treat them like that when they split up? If they were one of your own, they would be part of your family for life.

It’s better to have realistic expectations from the start. It would be a shame for OP’s nieces to lose the love of an aunt due to unrealistic expectations from step-nieces parents.

Are you a childless aunt who is expected to give more to the nieces and nephews?
He’s miffed as he now has to find the money to pay for the driving lessons, and he was thinking you’d be paying. I think you’ve given a generous gift, and I wouldn’t bring it up. He’s wanting you to so that he’s not the one mentioning it.

They are adults now but still young, she is vulnerable also, but honestly your questioning is ridiculous and not relevant to the OP or any of your business. Like I have said, I didnt even say OP should have given £1k 🤷🏻‍♀️

People are batshit. You gave a very generous gift, more than what I'd get from my actual relatives. 17 is not a milestone birthday either. There's no way you need to spend the same as your step niece.

You say your DCs partner which suggests they’re an adult? Now they’re in your care? If you’ve let a child move in with you due to homelessness or something that’s very different to your brother having a step child. It’s generous of you to treat them the same but I’m sure it’s not comparable.

Have you given your child £1000 recently that you’ve now had to give their gf/bf? Or are you comparing your wider family spending £50 on them for their birthday to OPs £1000 gift given years before? Are you going to pay towards their university costs? How far are you willing to provide an equatable experience? Will you be updating your will to leave them a share?

@OnTheWatersEdge I'd definitely speak to your brother about how high his expectations were of you.

I'd also see if family members chipping in money altogether for getting her a comparable Christmas present of driving lessons would be feasible.

YADNBU to be upset that this has fallen to you. Most people will be in a position where their own DC will get varying amounts from them depending on life circumstances, and yes it's bizarre for him to assume with no discussion you'd be providing such a large gift.

I think what you bought her and gave her is plenty enough and very generous.
You shouldn't pay for driving lessons for her and for that to be expected is downright cheeky .
Your step niece has another family of her own .
Your brother has probably had his wife in his ear id carry on as you do its your brothers responsibility to sort driving lessons if its so important to him as he hasn't had to do it for his bio daughters.
I'd have to speak to him and say it was 8 years ago for your own niece's and that his step daughter has another family .

Do you think posters here know your brother better than you do? Talk to him.

Its not odd, she is young, she is very vulnerable due to her home situation so whilst she is in our care she is looked after like one of her own. Who said anything about what would happen if they split up (likely as they are young). We are not going to treat her as a second class person in our house based on what would happen in the future.

Its odd IMO that people are so heartless.

The OP was arguing with posters who disagreed with her but she has responded to that now.

Also MN is so against any step families so I dont believe 73% is in any way reflective of RL. Or maybe I just dont surround myself with people who would treat people so badly.

I am not saying the OP should have given her £1k, thats her decision but I find it very strange no conversation happened with her brother and that she gave her only £100 in comparison to the £1k. Thats just my opinion, which I am entitled to also.

I don’t think you are unreasonable and I think you are being more than generous with £100 worth of gifts for your SN. Your SN is also happy. The driving lessons for your N were a one off. Your brother on the other hand sounds like he’s being unreasonable, but you weren’t in the conversation he had with your mother. I would think about what you want to get across to your brother and clear the air. You are definitely not being unreasonable. He didn’t even have the balls to speak to you and is being very ungrateful.

Why did you post on here if you are certain you are not being unreasonable?

People are allowed to ask for opinions whilst having their own.

73% of people agree with OP.

And treating your DC’s partner the same as your dd is frankly ofd. What happens if they split? Will you keep sending Christmas and Birthday presents?

This post is another example of entitlement and ingratitude for generosity. If your brother is that bothered about it, why doesn't he pay for her driving lessons? I wouldn't have expected my sister to give the same birthday gift to my step children nb. was with their Dad 4 years before our son was born, but it would be her choice and I would never have brought up the subject with her. If its come indirectly from you brother then let him have the nerve to discuss it with you?!,

Thats fair. There is nothing to suggest you treat her like a 2nd class citizen but you must know that MN is just like that. There are some crazy comments on every AIBU post that are just not reflective of RL.